Alright so there’s this king Dashratha

he’s the king of some place in India
and he’s got three wives
but oh shit
looks like his wives are broken or something
because they aren’t producing any sons
so he’s like I KNOW
HOW ABOUT I SET MY VALUABLES ON FIRE UNTIL THE GODS GIVE ME SONS
and holy shit what do you know
halfway through this needless destruction of his sweet riches
some awesome genie or something jumps out of the fire like HEY
HERE’S SOME GRUEL
FEED IT TO YOUR WIVES
I SPIKED IT WITH FERTILITY DRUGS
ok listen up gods
you’re GODS right
why do you need to use gruel as an intermediary for your holy fucking miracles
couldn’t you just wombzap all these bitches into a breeding frenzy?
couldn’t you at least have put the drugs in something more appetizing than gruel?
APPARENTLY NOT
so anyway Dashratha feeds his wives all this gruel
and it is SUPER EFFECTIVE
it is so effective
that his three wives
produce FOUR SONS
THAT IS 1.3 SONS PER WIFE
TALK ABOUT VALUE
their names are Laxman
Shatrugan
Bharat
and RAM
which is the name my brother used to enter whenever he got an arcade high score
mine was ASS
anyway Ram is Dashratha’s favorite
basically because his name is the shortest and easiest to remember
and when you’ve already got three wives
ON TOP of having four sons
that starts to really be an issue

but ok so one day this asshole sage called Vishwamitra shows up to the kingdom
and he is like oy Dashratha grant me a wish
and Dashratha is like what do i look like a fucking genie?
and Vishwamitra is like no you look like a rad king
which is basically the same thing
and Dashratha is like ok what do you want
and Vishwamitra is like YOUR SON RAM
and Dashratha is like fuck shit WHAT
and Vishwamitra is like no hold on let me explain
see i’ve been trying to conduct these sacred rites in the woods
and Dashratha is like LET ME JUST STOP YOU RIGHT THERE
MY SON’S ANAL VIRGINITY IS NOT UP FOR GRABS MISTER
and Vishwamitra is like WILL YOU LET ME FINISH A FUCKING SENTENCE
look i’ve been trying to perform these rites
but every night a couple demons show up and kick over all my sacred vessels
shit in the holy water
that kind of thing
and i mean
i’m the greatest warrior of all time
but i promised the gods I wouldn’t use my awesome warrior powers
i guess because the gods are into people WASTING THEIR FUCKING LIVES
so instead i decided I’d just steal your fucking son
who is only sixteen if i recall
and make him do it
and Dashratha is like dude
that sounds RECKLESSLY IRRESPONSIBLE
and Vishwamitra is like HEY ASSHOLE YOU PROMISED YOU’D GRANT ME A WISH OK
and Dashratha is like holy shitbed this is terrible
because now he remembers this one time
when he was in the woods hunting
and he thought he heard an elephant
but it was actually someone’s SON
but unfortunately the way he learned that was by shooting the guy in the brain
and then that guy’s parents cursed him
and said that his own son was gonna die some day
and he was like haha joke’s on you assholes i don’t have any sons
BUT THEN HE HAD TO GO AHEAD AND PRAY TO THE GODS FOR SONS
MAN WAY TO DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE SHITWIT
but eventually he realizes that if he doesn’t give his son to this hermit
everyone is gonna think he’s an asshole
so he’s like sure fine dude whatever
why don’t you go ahead and take his younger brother Laxman while you’re at it
and the sage is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so Laxman and Ram accompany Vishwamitra to his hermit cave
which is like the bat cave
except there are hermits hanging from the ceiling instead of bats
no wait that’s entirely wrong
it is kind of like the bat cave though
because it is CHOCK-A-BLOCK FULL OF SWEET WEAPONS
like seriously
if you gave human growth hormone to a swiss army knife
that happened to contain a miniature SPEAR, BOW, ARROW, TRIDENT AND BEAR
blew it up with a hand grenade
then collected the shrapnel and doused it in Merlin’s jizz
you’d get about the same array of ruthless badassery that is on display in this cave

now why the fuck does this hermit have all this shit?
because the gods gave them to him as a reward for his penitence
his penitence which includes NOT USING SWEET WEAPONS
that’s like if taking a vow of chastity entitled you to a lifetime supply of blowjobs
but i guess it works out because it means Laxman and Ram get to use them
because Vishwamitra is all about teaching them how to murder shit
so there’s a sweet kung fu montage of these dudes learning to use these weapons
and then finally Vishwamitra is like ok
now I want you guys to stand guard and kill those fucking prankster demons
when they show up to ruin this super important ritual i’m doing
and Ram and Laxman are totally jazzed about this
so they stay up for DAYS guarding this ritual
and finally on the last day these two demons show up
like HAHA WE ARE ABOUT TO PRANK THE SHIT OUT OF THIS SAGE
but Ram and Laxman are like HELL NO
and just shoot the first demon with a WIND MISSILE
so he flies 800 miles and then presumably dies
i don’t know what a wind missile is but it sounds sweet
and then they throw a disk of pure fire at the other one
simultaneously decapitating it and setting it on fire
and then Vishwamitra is like ok guys what the fuck
I spent like months teaching you how to use these sweet weapons
these sweet weapons that I have spent my WHOLE LIFE accumulating
and you just went ahead and used wind missiles and fire disks on them
come on guys that shit doesn’t even sound REAL
way to just shit all over my training
whatever we’re going on a road trip

so they go on a trip to this place called Mithila
where there is some king named Janak
and he has a daughter named Sita
i mean actually she’s not his real daughter
he just found her in a ditch
while he was working in the fields because his kingdom was so poor
and decided she must be a sign from heaven or something
and so he named her Sita
after the dirthole he found her in
Dirthole
what a lovely name
but yeah she’s SUPER bonable
SO bonable that Janak has seen fit to come up with a stupid test
which will determine who can marry and subsequently bang his daughter
what it is is he has a huge bow that like no one anywhere can handle
and if anyone manages to string it they will get to bang his daughter
so Ram and Laxman and Vishwamitra show up like hey king what’s good
can Ram try and fuck with your bow?
and Janak is like haha seriously
this kid is scrawnier than a cardboard box full of damp kittens
at which point Ram just grabs the bow and FUCKING BREAKS IT IN HALF
WHILE TRYING TO STRING IT
and Janak
instead of being like hey asshole you broke my bow
instant disqualification
is like hey asshole
good job
you get to bang my daughter
even though this is probably because the 100 billion other dudes who tried
seriously weakened the bow
so that works out inexplicably well for Ram

and thus the moral of the story
is that if you are going to get involved in any feats of strength
try to go last
it is a serious advantage

THE END.