I AM IN SAN FRANCISCO

and I am on my knees sacrificing goats in the honor of celebrity knife maniac
JANE DOE
for giving me some of her tainted murder dollars to tell this myth
HERE GOES

Alright so there’s this dude Sinbad right

Holy fucking shit this guy is simultaneously a huge idiot and an ultimate badass
When our story begins he is super fucking wealthy
And constantly having parties at his crib
And this other dude named Sinbad shows up
And Sinbad the sailor is like WHOA FUCK YOU HAVE THE SAME NAME AS ME
LEMME TELL YOU HOW I GOT SO RICH
IT WILL TAKE 7 DAYS
I HOPE YOU LIKE PARTIES
And here is how the story goes
Basically he’s the son of a wealthy merchant
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN EVERY GODDAMN ARABIAN MYTH
DID PEOPLE EVEN HAVE OTHER PROFESSIONS?
Anyway his dad dies and he gets a huge inheritance
But then he squanders it all on booze and whores
And wakes up one morning like fuck
Where is all my money
What are all my booze and whores?
Shit
Better make more money
I KNOW
I’LL BECOME A MERCHANT
So he gets some cloth and some other saleable shit
And gets on a boat
And they go stop on some island
And WHABAM STORM TIME
And everyone gets back on the ship
But Sinbad is TOOO FUCKING SLOW
So he gets left behind
And he is all sad but at least the island has a ton of food and shit
And then one day he runs into some dudes who are trying to catch seahorses
But not the kind you are thinking
ACTUAL HORSES
FROM THE SEA
And he tells these dudes his story
And the dudes are like HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GREAT STORY
YOU DESERVE A PROMINENT POSITION IN OUR GOVERNMENT
So Sinbad becomes the minister of trade
And then one day some dudes show up with a ship
And they are like hey we would like to sell some goods belonging to our dead friend
His name was Sinbad the Sailor
And Sinbad is like HOLY SHIT THAT’S MY NAME
And they’re like BULLSHIT
And he’s like NO SERIOUSLY
And they’re like OH SNAP DUDE LET’S GO MERCHANT THE FUCK OUT OF SHIT
And the king gives him a ton of gold as a parting gift
And they go make a ton more gold
And then eventually he goes back to Baghdad

So he IMMEDIATELY SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY ON BOOZE AND WHORES AGAIN
And plus he gets pretty bored not being in mortal peril all the time
So he is like WELP BETTER GET ON ANOTHER FUCKING BOAT
And AWAY HE GOES
So they all find this really sweet island
And Sinbad likes it SOOOOO MUCH
That he totally forgets to get back on his boat
And everybody leaves him behind
so he starts wandering around
and he finds this bigass egg
and a bigass bird called a Rukh sitting on the egg
and he’s like HOLY SHIT I JUST HAD A REALLY STUPID IDEA
I’MA TAKE MY TURBAN AND TIE IT TO THAT RUKH’S LEG
AND WHEN IT GOES OUT HUNTING
IT WILL CARRY ME SOMEWHERE AWESOME
So he does this incredibly dumb thing
And the bird does in fact carry him to someplace else
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT’S A DESERTED PLATEAU WITH NO MEANS OF ESCAPE
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE GROUND IS COVERED IN DIAMONDS
BUT GUESS WHAT
THE DIAMONDS ARE COVERED IN SNAKES
HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY
And then while Sinbad is staring at all these snakes and diamonds
BAM a dead animal falls down in front of him
And he remembers some stories about how some merchants try to use dead bodies to fish for diamonds down here
Like the diamonds stick to the corpses
And then birds carry the corpses up and the merchants scare them away and take the diamonds
So Sinbad fills his pockets with diamonds and grabs onto this dead animal
And SHO NUFF
HERE COMES A BIRD AND LIFTS HIM UP
And then he sees some merchants and gives them diamonds and everyone is pals
And they make a ton of cash and then he goes back to Baghdad

So he’s back in Baghdad!
BOOZE AND WHORES TIME
OOP GUESS I GOTTA GO ON ANOTHER ADVENTURE
So he gets on another boat
And they are boating around
When OH SHIT HERE COMES THE ISLAND OF THE APES
IT IS LIKE THE PLANET OF THE APES BUT JUST AN ISLAND
AND WHAT THE APES DO IS STEAL YOUR BOAT
So now they have no boat
So they find a house that CLEARLY belongs to an ogre
And they’re like welp better sleep here
And of course the ogre comes home and murders some of them
And then they are like should we leave?
NAH
And stay there ANOTHER night and the ogre eats MORE of them
At which point they are like we should seriously leave huh?
Maybe we should build some rafts?
And then poke out his eyes?
So they do that
And the ogre and his wife chase them but they escape
To an island where they get eaten by SNAKES
But Sinbad escapes by tying himself to a tree with his turban
And then when that doesn’t work he just staples a bunch of logs to his body
so he’s too big to eat
and then he finds some boat dudes
and they take him to some other boat dudes
who HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FUCKING STUFF
so that’s cool
and then he makes a ton more money and goes back to Baghdad again
and I’m gonna tell the rest on Tuesday cause this fucker is LONG

NO END IN SIGHT