Thanks to Jesse:

THE FOUNDING OF ROME

I’m going to tell you a story about how we got Rome

it involves wolf tits
virgins
twins
and lots of bad dudes
and rape that might be kidnapping
but is probably rape
this being a Roman myth after all.

So here we are in ancient Alba
where a Vestal Virgin gets knocked up
this is a pretty big deal because virginity
is sacred to Vesta
the goddess of home and homefires and other homey type stuff
except maybe it’s not a problem that she’s knocked up
because apparently it was Mars
the god of fucking War
who did the deed
so maybe the virgin can be forgiven
because Mars is not the sensitive type
(there is some kind of hidden lesson in here
about how wars create cities
but let’s focus on the poor vestal virgin for a moment)

she gives birth to twins
Romulus and Remus
and their great-uncle realizes fuck
these kids are not quite human
and tells his servant to have them killed
we never hear about the mother after this
because in typical myth fashion
your parents usually only count if they are gods.

Anyway
maybe the servant wasn’t listening
or in any case didn’t feel like
fucking murdering these semi-divine twin babies
because the servant just leaves them near the river Tiber
which is flooding
sure
but you know myths
surely some magical animals will come by
and the babies will be just fine

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW
they don’t die because
a she-wolf suckles them
a woodpecker feeds them
and a pig herder later adopts them maybe thinking
hey who couldn’t use some wolf suckled demigod twins
to help out with the old pig farm

Romulus and Remus grow up to be pretty awesome swineherds
and are actually pretty badass
despite growing up with uneducated swineherds
in fact they become the leaders
of all the swineherds
and other assorted bad dudes
who apparently all hang out in the Tiber Valley
because when you drink wolf milk
you are pretty badass
and everyone fucking knows it.

Not content with reigning over these Tiber Valley thugs
first the twins conquer their great-uncle’s kingdom as revenge
but say hey fuck that kingdom
we’re too badass to reign over someone else’s weak ass kingdom
so they decide to make their own kingdom
except Romulus picks one hill
and Remus picks another hill
and they are both pretty pissed off motherfuckers
who can’t agree
and I think you might know what is coming here

Remus goes hey Romulus
I saw six vultures which means my hill is pretty sweet
and Romulus goes well dumbass
too bad because I saw TWELVE VULTURES
meaning my hill is TWICE AS BADASS
Remus is like okay
and jumps over Romulus’s wall
but I guess wall jumping is a pretty big insult
back in pre-Rome
so Romulus fucking kills Remus over this
and continues on to build his badass city without his brother.

Except his city has a big problem
aside from being founded on murder
the problem is that everyone who lives there
is a bad dude
they are all brigands and thieves
runaway slaves and shepherds
(shepherds apparently are bad dudes in pre-Rome
not clear how their reputations got repaired so quickly
cause later on the Bible is pretty sweet on shepherds
but I digress)
what they don’t have is any ladies
at all
and so Romulus is like guys guys check it out
did you notice all the Sabines who live next door
they have some pretty hot ladies
let’s hold some games in town
and lure in all that sweet Sabine ass
because we sure could use some ladies
in this damn sausage factory
am I right or am I right
and all the pre-Rome dudes are like SIGN US UP
so they hold the games
the Sabines come to pre-Rome like sweet
heard there were some games here
and at Romulus’s signal
the infamous Rape of the Sabine Women happens
and the Sabine ladies are taken
by all the brigands and thieves and shepherds and such
and some stories try to say it wasn’t a rape
it was more like a kidnapping
but
Romans are the descendants
of Romulus’s bad dudes and the Sabine women
so you tell me
was it a little Stockholm syndrome after the kidnappings
or did something a little more violent occur
when all these brigands and thieves and swineherds
ran off with a passel of screaming ladies
after who knows how many years of no ladies at all
(god knows Roman mythology
is no litany of respectful sweet lovemaking)
and anyway
who knows what happened
because after a while the Sabine women
stood up to their Sabine relatives
to prevent the war of revenge
saying no no it’s cool
we’d rather stay in Rome with these guys
even with all the murder and rape going on
so they did
and that’s how we got Rome.

The moral of the story is if you are a murderous horny demigod
raised on the milk of fucking wolves
you are a badass motherfucker
not afraid of a little state-sponsored rape
to secure your timeless legacy
because no woman will ever again
walk down the streets of Rome
without being leered at
to this very day.

The end.