Today’s tale was casually mentioned to me
by figure-skating femme fatale
CHRYSANTHEMUM BLADESTARR
here we go:

so there’s this king
he is terrible at hunting
because of how terrible he is, he gets lost in the woods
and he didn’t bring any GPS, so he has to use the closest fairytale equivalent:
WITCHES
so this witch is like hey king I will get you out of these woods
but first you have to promise to get YOUR wood into MY daughter
if you know what I mean
and the king is like ewwww
that is pretty much the worst way you could have said that
but I am lost in these woods and I will die otherwise
so I GUESS i will marry your incredibly hot daughter
I GUESS

so he does, and then they get out of the forest and he takes her back home
here is what everyone has forgotten, though
THE KING IS ALREADY MARRIED
HE HAS SEVEN KIDS
HE HAS SIX SONS AND A DAUGHTER
and I don’t know what the fuck he does with his old wife
but he is so scared of his new wife that he hides all of his kids in a TOWER IN THE WOODS
and the only way to find the tower is to use this magic ball of yarn he has
I guess he went through a lot of effort to prepare for something like this
he must get lost in the woods a lot

so he’s always going out to the woods to visit his kids
because he is not SUCH a terrible father
and eventually his new wife gets curious where he’s going
so she steals his magic yarn
and she goes to the tower
and all the kids think it’s their real mom, so the six brothers run out like HEYYYYY
and she’s like HEYYYY KIDS
PUT ON THESE SWEATERS I MADE YOU
THEY ARE SUPER WARM AND THEY WILL TURN YOU INTO SWANS
and the brothers are all like SQUAWK SQUAWK WE ARE SWANS NOW
and the sister is unaffected by all this
because SHE
is not a DUMBASS

so pretty soon the king shows up at the tower in the woods
and he finds that all his sons are gone
and he just has a daughter
so he abruptly stops giving a shit and never comes back to the tower ever again
and then the daughter decides that she’s going to go wander around in the woods for a while
and pretty soon she finds this abandoned-looking cottage
and out of some supernatural survival instinct, she decides to sleep UNDER the bed
maybe she is in shock
but it turns out pretty good
because not only is this house owned and operated by FIERCE BANDITS
but also this is apparently where her bros come every night
during the 15 minutes during which they are allowed to STOP BEING SWANS
so she sees them and she is like hey bros
pretty weird that you chose the robber house as your hangout of choice, but ok
any way for you guys to stop being swans permanently?
and her bros are like well it’s simple, really
you just have to not talk for six years
and during that time, you have to knit us six sweaters out of thistles
also you cannot laugh
and the sister is like DAMMIT, BUT THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS THOUGH

so her brothers leave
and she climbs up a tree and gets to work
good thing she brought her knitting needles on this aimless walk through the woods
and pretty soon a bunch of hunters show up
and they’re like hey gurl
and she doesn’t say anything, obviously
so they’re like hey gurl
hey
hey
and she still doesn’t say anything, so they keep yelling at her
until she finally takes off her gold necklace and throws it to them, hoping it will make them leave
why would it make them leave?
SHE JUST GAVE THEM GOLD
so they hang around, harassing her
until she throws her shoes at them
and then her girdle
and her underwear
she gets pretty much naked in the tree and the guys are like alright that’s enough
we’re kidnapping you now
this is too sexy for the forest.

so they bring her to their king
and their king is like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S HOT
AAAAND SHE CAN’T TALK?
WHERE DO I SIGN?
so they get married
because consent is not required for that in fairytales
but she doesn’t give a FUCK
she is just knitting those sweaters

but there is someone who does give a fuck
and that is the castle’s resident evil stepmother
seriously, this story is riddled with evil stepmothers
and this evil stepmother doesn’t like this silent chick for some reason
so what she does
is every time the king bones the sister
and the sister gets pregnant and have a baby
the stepmother sneaks in
steals the baby
kills the baby
then rubs blood all over the sister’s mouth
and then in the morning she’s like LOOK
SHE ATE THE BABY
PLEASE CONTINUE NOT SPEAKING TO INDICATE THAT YOU TOTALLY ATE THAT BABY
and the king keeps making apologies for her
but after this happens THREE TIMES
he’s like well
either my wife is actually eating these babies
or else she is a terribly neglectful mother to have let this happen three times
so either way
gotta set her on fire
everybody go get the wifeburning equipment
I’ve got a wife to burn

so now this chick has to knit with the quickness
and she does
she does a pretty good job
she finishes everything except for the last sleeve of the last sweater
and she brings them with her to the wifeburning
and then all her swanbros show up just in time to put them on
and then she can talk again so she’s like guys
I don’t know what the hell happened
but i didn’t keep my girlish figure by devouring babies
so maybe don’t burn me?
and everyone is like “that sounds reasonable”
and then they burn the stepmother instead
and everyone is happy forever
except for the one bro who has to have a swan wing for an arm forever
because his sister COULDN’T KNIT SIX SWEATERS IN SIX YEARS

so the moral of the story
is before you take a vow of silence
get a good lawyer

THE END.