Today’s mega short myth brought to you by a guy who calls himself
CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
Some advice, captain:
NO ONE is immune to bears
that is sort of the entire point of bears
they made a movie about it, even.

Not being immune to bears is something Captain Bearproof has in common with the characters of this story
which has nothing to do with bears
but like I said
NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS.
Anyway this story is about a tyrant named Dionysis II
who takes over Syracuse
(in Sicily, not in New York)
just so he can party literally all the time.
Big D has a little pal named Damocles
and Damocles is straight up ENCHANTED
by the incessant opulence of Prince Di’s palace
so little D goes to big D and he’s like “Hey man
I love how you party all the time and give literally no shits about anyone else
like that one time when you fucked a rotating carousel of humans
powered by tireless slaves
who you then set on fire
in order to cook bacon you stole from orphans.
Basically, dude
I wanna be you.”
and Dionysis
who is just on TONS of shrooms right now
is like “OH YOU WANNA BE ME, HUH?
OKAY
SLAVES, BRING OUT A GOLDEN COUCH FOR DAMOCLES
BRING OUT THE DIAMOND CAVIAR AND THE COCAINE TUREEN
WHEEL THE BLOWJOB MACHINE ON OVER THERE
AND .. hmm, what else?
OH YEAH
SUSPEND AN INCREDIBLY SHARP SWORD DIRECTLY OVER HIS HEAD BY A SINGLE HORSE HAIR
MAN I HAVE THE BEST IDEAS.”

so Damocles sits down on this couch for some reason
and he tries to enjoy it, he really does
but the cocaine just makes him more paranoid
and he can barely feel the blowjob machine
and you can’t eat diamond caviar
it’s made of diamonds
no one can chew diamonds
just like NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO BEARS, CAPTAIN BEARPROOF.
LISTEN TO ME
I AM TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE.

Anyway, after like 30 seconds Damocles is like “OKAY, OKAY
I DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE COUCH ANYMORE
THIS SWORD IS SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT.”
and Dionysis is like “Ha HA! Just as I thought!
I hope you have learned a valuable lesson!”
and Damocles is like “What?
That life is fragile?
That for the powerful man, there is always danger?
That you shouldn’t ever sit under swords?”
and Dionysis is like “Well that too I guess
but mostly that you don’t get this rich by not being a huge asshole.
I mean it’s not like there’s a sword hanging over MY head.
The analogy is totally shitty.
I just did that to fuck with you.”
Then he probably kills everyone anyway.

The end!