So listen the fuck up

there is this nymph Liriope
she is blue
literally her skin is blue
that’s not really important to the story
i’m just giving you all the facts
anyway one day she’s out near some river
and the local river god Cephisus
who no one has ever fucking heard of
is like daaaaaaamn
maybe if i rape this nymph
the other gods will take me seriously
start inviting me to parties and shit
so he half drowns poor Liriope by encircling her
with his winding streams
wink wink
and then at that point she really has nothing to do
but get seduced by him
and have his kid
this kid is named Narcissus
Narcissus is fucking gorgeous
like imagine if someone could look
exactly like bacon tastes
and you have a pretty good picture of narcissus
and so his mom is like oh fuck
my skin is fucking BLUE
and i STILL got raped
what the hell is going to happen to my kid
who is not even a year old and already has DSL
dsl stands for dick sucking lips by the way
so she takes narcissus to see the baddest motherfucker in the land
who is of course tiresias the prophet
and tiresias looks up from his work
which is beating snakes to death with a stick
whenever they try to get their freak on
and is like what do you want
and Liriope is like is my son going to get raped
and Tiresias is like bitch please
kid’s gonna be fine
just as long as he DOESN’T COME TO KNOW HIMSELF
and Liriope is like what the fuck does that mean
and Tiresias is like quiet woman i think i hear some snakes having sex somewhere
and runs off
so liriope is just like whatever
and narcissus grows up to be a strapping young lad
so strapping in fact
that by the time he is 16
every
last
woman
in his town
wants to bang the shit out of him
but narcissus is like sorry ladies
i have unreasonably high standards
based on my own appearance
so basically no one is happy
then one day
narcissus goes walking in the forest
where bad shit just generally tends to happen
and this nymph named Echo sees him
and of course being as this nymph is female
she is instantly head over vagina in love with him
there is a problem though
which is that echo is not just like
some kind of playful nickname
it refers to the fact
that she cannot say anything except for shit she has just heard other people say
like the worst parrot ever
but a chick
so she is stalking narcissus through the woods
not able to say anything
but i guess she makes some kind of noise
cause then narcissus is all WHO’S THERE?
and echo is like WHO’S THERE?
and Narcissus is like NARCISSUS
and echo is like NARCISSUS
and narcissus is like YES
and echo is like YES
and this goes on for a while
because echo can’t say anything original
and narcissus is kind of a retard
but eventually echo gets it into her head
that narcissus is totally down for some sexy times
so she jumps out of the bushes
and runs towards him
most likely totally nude
and narcissus is like hey totally naked hot nymph
allow me to introduce you
to my unreasonably high standards
unreasonably high standards
meet naked hot nymph
naked hot nymph
unreasonably high standards
so echo runs back into the woods crying
except she probably cant even cry
without hearing someone else do it first
anyway she gets pretty butthurt about the whole thing
and just mopes around the forest
until her body actually DISAPPEARS
and only her voice remains
and then she uses that voice
to pray to aphrodite
or actually venus because this is the roman version of the story
and is like fuck this dude up for me ok
im not sure how she managed to make up this prayer all on her own
but i like to think she probably did it
by hanging around the legions of chicks
who all wished narcissus was dead because he wouldnt bone them
so venus hears the prayer and is like DONE
and narcissus suddenly gets super thirsty
and the only water in the woods happens to be this deep pool
of crystal clear springwater
so narcissus starts drinking the shit out of it
but then he stops
because he realizes what he is drinking
is the face
of the most beautiful man he has ever seen
he falls so in love with this hunk of pubescent glory
that he pines after this dude
for like
days
until he realizes
oh shit
PLOT TWIST
the dude in the pond is actually a reflection OF NARCISSUS HIMSELF
because apparently
for the last SIXTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE
he has NEVER
SEEN
HIS REFLECTION
he has never taken a bath
or like
had a cup of water
or you know
stared REALLY HARD at a bald guy
he has lead a pretty sheltered life apparently
so anyway he gets REALLY DEPRESSED
and like rips off all his clothes
and refuses to eat
which just makes him more attractive to himself
but it also makes him dead
and he goes down to basically
the shittiest part of hell
and spends the rest of forever staring at his reflection
in the river styx
which is the grossest river of all time
probably all full of dead guy goop and like broken condoms and shit
meanwhile echo’s voice shows up in the woods
and finds narcissus’ body
and is like dammit
wish i’d kept my body
cant even rape his corpse now
and she kind of feels pretty bad about the whole thing
and makes a flower grow out of his corpse
so from now on every time you see a narcissus flower
just remember
that if you are beautiful
you should never drink water
it is too dangerous

the end