My Patreon backers have spoken
and apparently I’m supposed to retell a conspiracy theory today
but I already covered Roswell and the moon landing in my book
the JFK assassination is pretty boring
(once you get past the assassination part)
and I promised the Illuminati I wouldn’t blow their cover
so instead I’m going to tell you about a conspiracy theory
that describes an ACTUAL REAL LIFE CONSPIRACY:
Watergate.

If there is a more mythological conspiracy than Watergate
then I haven’t heard of it
which probably makes it a pretty good conspiracy but whatever.
Name me one other political scandal that is SO SCANDALOUS
that we’ve turned it into a nonsensical suffix
and slapped that suffix onto every event that seems even remotely shitty.
We’ve got shit like nipplegate, porngate, wienergate
donutgate, fajitagate, sodagate
bloodgate, robogate, grannygate
for fuck’s sake, we’ve had a GATEGATE
WE’VE REACHED PEAK GATE
FRIENDS, THE WORD ‘GATE’ DOES NOT MEAN ‘SCANDAL’ IN ENGLISH
Watergate was the name of a HOTEL in DC
and it is with that hotel that our story begins.

See, back in 1972, Richard Nixon is trying to be president again
because it went so well for the first four years
but he doesn’t want to leave his election up to chance
or, you know, democracy
so a couple of his aides hire five criminals
to break into the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee
(which is, you guessed it, in the Watergate Hotel)
and plant some microphones in there
the theory apparently being
that every politician has to say horrible shit sometimes
and it’s best to get it on tape when they do.

So these criminals plant the bug and get away
but then they have to go back to repair it pretty much immediately
because I guess it was made out of hot glue and garbage
and they get caught trying to do this
because the way these top secret presidentially-funded burglars are getting in
is by DUCT-TAPING THE DOORS OPEN.
We’re talking about dudes who have covertly received THOUSANDS of dollars
from Nixon’s re-election campaign
and the most fearsome weapon in their criminal arsenal
is fucking DUCT TAPE
SHITTILY APPLIED?

So Nixon hears that these bozos got arrested
and he’s like “What the fuck
who told those assholes they should do that?”
so either he told them to do it and then forgot
or he’s shitty at controlling his own people
so, mega boner either way.
He realizes pretty quick that this will look bad if it gets out
so he tells two of his top aides, Haldeman and Ehrlichman
and also his head lawyer, Dean
to do whatever they need to do to make this go away
which basically amounts to
“fuck up a whole bunch.”

Like, they try to have the CIA make the FBI stop investigating
but that doesn’t really work
and they do succeed in burning a safe full of evidence
but that doesn’t stop the FBI from following the money
and figuring out that every single one of those burglars
was paid in some way by Nixon’s re-election committee
which Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean are all involved with
plus the media just goes totally nuts
largely due to a bunch of leaks by someone calling himself Deep-Throat
(Come on, he cannot be ignorant of what that name mean)
and the investigation ends up convicting 69 people
(only 68 were actually guilty, the last one was for the lols)
So Nixon figures he has to initiate a DOUBLE-CONSPIRACY
by firing Haldeman, Ehrlichman, and Dean
before anyone can connect him to them
and hopefully blame all this shit on those guys
so he calls Dean into his office and he’s like “Hey buddy
gonna have to ask you to resign
sure is a shame about all those CRIMES you COMMITTED, huh?
and how you committed them TOTALLY ON YOUR OWN?”
and Dean is like “Mister President
why are you putting undue emphasis on some of your words like that?
are you … recording me?”
and Nixon is like “What? No! I’m no scumbag!
But just for old time’s sake, how about admitting to a bunch of crimes.
I mean, I know about them, but it’s nice to reminisce, right?”

So Dean goes to the committee that’s investigating this whole Watergate thing
and he’s like “Um, I think the president has tape recorders in his office?”
and everybody’s like “Oh shit
I bet there’s CRIMES on those tapes.
Nixon, have you been bugging your office?”
and Nixon is like “…yea”

OK HOLD ON
This whole fucking fiasco is happening
because Nixon wanted to put BUGS IN POLITICIAN’S OFFICES
because he was sure that they would say some HORRIBLE SHIT
and you’re telling me
that this whole time
Nitwit von Boogerheim was bugging his OWN FUCKING OFFICE?
Dude

Nixon’s brilliant plan is to just be like “No you can’t hear the tapes
I’m the president. it me.”
But they still make him release transcripts
which don’t reveal any crimes
but do reveal that he’s generally a shitty dude
who thinks the American people are a bunch of chumps
so that doesn’t do him any favors
and then the Supreme Court is like “Yeah dude
you kind of have to show those tapes”
and Nixon’s like “WOOARRRRGH
FINE
HERE’S YOUR STUPID TAPES.
HAVE FUN IMPEACHING ME, JERKS.”

and they do
they impeach him so hard they do it THREE TIMES
and Nixon is finally like “Okay okay
you got me
I still don’t think I did anything wrong
BIG WINK
but I love America so much that I don’t want it to see me like this
so I’m resigning gracefully
after a long and bitter war of lies and corruption
peace out, chumps.”
Then Gerald Ford becomes president
and immediately pardons Nixon for every crime ever
because I guess you tend to feel pretty sympathetic
for the dude who just made you president.

The moral of this story
is one we can all stand to learn:
if you’re wretched enough to hatch criminal conspiracies while president
you should at least be smart enough not to preserve RECORDED EVIDENCE of it

The end.