holy shit what is going on in the Ozarks

see there is this old chick right
her name is old betty
which is appropriate
because of how old she is
I think I’m gonna name all my future kids Old
because then it is GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE EVENTUALLY
unless they get fucked to death in their teens by a bison or something
but i mean you can’t think of everything right?
anyway Old Betty is supposed to be a super great conjurer or whatever
like she’s got all these potions and shit
and like special herbs and other varieties of who-gives-a-shit
she sells all this shit in town and I have no idea who the fuck buys it
but anyway that’s not the point
the point is she has a pet pig

who the fuck keeps a pig as a pet
pigs are good for two things
bacon
and crispy bacon
if I had a pig roaming around my house the temptation would just be TOO GREAT
but apparently Old Betty is a vegetarian or some shit
because she keeps this pig around for YEARS
and gives him a shitty name:
Raw Head
what?
LISTEN BITCH
EVERYONE’S HEAD IS RAW
BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT REGULARLY GET THEIR HEADS COOKED WHILE THEY ARE ALIVE
WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST CALL HIM
BREATHING LUNGS
OR
PIG WITH OXYGENATED BLOOD
anyway the pig eats a bunch of her magic spells
because it’s an unruly pig that gets into fucking everything
and so he starts walking around and making wisecracks and shit
which is even more reason to eat him but whatever

anyway one day Old Betty comes into town to sell her mystical bullshit
but HER PIG IS NOT WITH HER
and everyone is used to seeing the crazy witch with the uglyass pig pal
so they’re like hey where the fuck is your pig
and she’s like I DUNNO
but PLOT TWIST
Old Betty uses her crystal ball to figure out what happened to her pig
turns out some shitty poacher just fucking KILLED THAT LITTLE FUCKER
because apparently he is too much of a pussy to poach real shit
like rhinos and elephants and dragons
so he just runs around murdering STRAY FARM ANIMALS
anyway Old Betty gets pretty understandably pissed
so she’s like OH I KNOW
I WILL USE MAGICS
so she conjures some mystical lightning
while yelling about bloody bones
and basically the upshot of all this is that Raw Head’s head comes back to life
and then animates his old bloody bones
and gets up on his hind legs and starts running after the shitty poacher
and chases him down at his farm
or house
or whatever the fuck people live in in the ozarks
and just pulls off some classic horror movie shit
what with the standing in the shadows and breathing in a threatening manner
while the poacher stupidly assumes it is some neighborhood kid playing pranks
and then eventually he gets murdered
because guess what
IT IS STUPID TO IGNORE SKELETAL INTRUDERS ON YOUR FARM
so yeah he dies
and Old Betty is placated

and the moral of the story is
if you wanna kill pigs
be a pig farmer
you get free bacon
and you don’t get chased down by magic demon zombie hogs
usually

THE END