Alright let’s see if i can do this before i pass out

so remember Tiresias?
in this myth he is up to his old tricks again
his old tricks being
to tell people bad things are going to happen to them
and then they happen
in this case he is talking to some dude named Pentheus
now i can pretty much guarantee
that Pentheus is not a name you are gonna see in any other myths
because the first thing that happens in this myth
is tiresias is like oh hey pentheus
you refuse to worship bacchus and then your face gets torn off
and Pentheus is like FUCK THAT
and literally picks up tiresias and throws him
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AGAINST BLIND PEOPLE:
THE IDEAL REBUTTAL

so then tiresias leaves
and pentheus goes about the thirsty work
of ceaselessly being a dick
seriously this guy is such a big dick
his pubes are are forest of microscopic penises
it’s gross
ovid doesn’t write about that aspect of his character
but i know these things
but anyway basically what he does
is he sees all his soldiers going off to party with bacchus
and he is like FUCK THAT MURDER HIM INSTEAD
and the guys are all like Pentheus
hey
dude
we would much rather party
and Pentheus is like TOUGH TACOS TITWIZARDS
TIME TO GET TO WORK

so all pentheus’ dudes go out reluctantly trying to kill bacchus
and when they finally get back
they don’t have bacchus at all
they just have some dude
and pentheus is like hey who the fuck are you
and this dude tells a story
he is like I am a priest of bacchus
because one time
i was on a boat
and we found this kid on an island right
and this kid was WASTED
like so drunk
his skin cells were increasing the alcohol content of the surrounding air
by peer pressure
and i was like hm
this dude seems pretty fucking incompetent and self indulgent
HE MUST BE A GOD

so i told everyone he was a god but for some reason they didn’t believe me
and then they had a mutiny for some reason
i guess cause they wanted to rape this kid or something
and they were like hey little boy where you headed
and he was like whoa what the fuck
who are you people
what am i doing here
why is there a boat
the last thing i remember was trying really hard not to fuck a horse
anyway can i get a ride to Naxos

so all my sailor buddies are like SURE KID HOP ABOARD
and i start driving towards Naxos
but then they are like no
fuck that
i guess they wanted to take his clothes and stuff
but then it was ok because Bacchus
(that’s who the kid was by the way)
put a bunch of lions and shit on the boat
which made everyone jump overboard
and then they turned into like barracudas or some shit
i dunno many of the details honestly
because bacchus and i got obliterated on some kind of spiced wine after that
anyway now i’m one of his priests
pretty crazy huh

and pentheus is like YEAH
PRETTY CRAZY
GETTIN’ TORTURED ASSHOLE
but no sooner do they chain up this priest
when all his chains break for no reason
and then Pentheus is like FUCK THIS I’M GOING TO SEE BACCHUS MYSELF

so he starts walking in the direction of the massive party
the one bacchus is holding
the female only party that happens every once in a while
and he starts to get a little nervous
but he is not gonna let a little thing like nerves
get between him and his suicidal determination
so he shows up at the party
and the first person to see him is his mom
which must have been SO EMBARASSING
especially when she ripped his head off
while his sisters tore off his arms
this is some dusk til dawn shit that happens right here

and why do they do it?
because they are tripping balls on something
and think he’s a boar i guess
because the natural response to a wild boar is to tear its face off
with your hands
i have no fucking clue what these chicks are on
but it’s not just wine i can tell you that

so at first glance
you might be tempted to say that the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
but pentheus didn’t do drugs and look where that got him
no the moral of the story is
try not to be the only one NOT on drugs
because that is when you are at a profound disadvantage
you need to take all the drugs to be safe
think about it like mutually assured destruction
but with PCP

The end.