Alright so yeah I’m like ten hours late on this
but sometimes there is not even any cell phone receptions
when you are sleeping next to a rock
shaped like a ghost
in the middle of godforsaken Utah
i bet half of you are still up from thursday anyway

so

You know Venus right

Remember how she and mars used to bang
Until Vulcan found out
And dropped a fucking net on her?
Well guess how Vulcan found out about that shit?
THE FUCKING SUN GOD
Phoebus or whatever
Yeah
The sun was rollin through the sky
SPYING ON MARS AND VENUS HAVING SEX
Think of that the next time you take a piss outside
Sun’s checkin’ out your dick my friend
Checkin out your dick

So obviously venus thinks this is pretty creepy
And she is like you know what I’m going to fuck over pheobus now
Cause he fucked me over
By watching me fuck over my husband
So BAM
Phoebus falls head over asshole for this chick Leucothoe
What a fucking obnoxious name by the way
Anyway Phoebus is so fucking in love with this chick
(she is no slouch by the way
her mom is like the hottest chick ever
and she is hotter than her mom)
that he neglects ALL his duties
rising early
setting late
sometimes just getting drunk and not showing up at all
failing hard and often
and also neglecting all his hos in different area codes
like for example this broad Clytie
which I think is another pretty lame name just as an aside

anyway finally phoebus can’t take it anymore
and he is like I MUST GO TO YOU MY LOVE
and he disguises himself as Leucothoe’s mom
all coming into her room like HELLO HONEY
LET ME GIVE YOU A MOTHERLY KISS ON THE FOREHEAD
HEY SERVANTS WE HAVE PRIVATE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS
MY DAUGHTER AND I
PLEASE LEAVE
So all the servants leave
And Phoebus is like hey
haven’t you always wanted to have sex with your mom
and leucothoe is like what no ew
and phoebus is like haha just kidding this is the sun god right here
open up them legs
I control the sun

And leucothoe is understandably skeptical
And phoebus is like BITCH I AM THE SUN GOD DAMMIT
And leucothoe starts to get pretty scared
And phoebus is like OH BABY YOUR FEAR IS SEXY
ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU MY TRUE FORM
And he turns into a giant ball of fire

Now I know what you’re thinking
No leucothoe does not catch on fire
Although that would be totally sweet
She is actually so impressed by this big-dick display
That she is like OH SHIT TAKE ME NOW
So they bang

But see Clytie finds out about this
And because she is a vindictive ho-clown
She decides to tell EVERYONE
ALL ABOUT IT
TWICE
ESPECIALLY LEUCOTHOE’S DAD
Now leucothoe’s dad is what we call a huge asshole
As soon as he finds out about this shit
He gets super pissed off
I dunno about you
But if I just found out my daughter was boning the SUN
I would be impressed
But no this dude just gets angry
And apparently the way he expresses his anger
Is by BURYING HIS DAUGHTER ALIVE UNDER HEAVY SAND
And phoebus is like oh shit fuck what
And tries to burn the sand away
But leucothoe suffocates to death first
So good job on that
And then phoebus gets super sad
And everyone has to deal with a dim mopey-ass sun for a bit
And Clytie is for some reason terribly surprised
That this prank does not get her back into phoebus’s good graces
So she sits down
And does not move or eat or drink
Subsisting on nothing but dew and her own tears
Literally that is what she eats
Watching the sun go through the sky every day
Until she goes blind
Or actually
No
Until she turns into a sunflower
Yes that is what happens

Anyway the moral of the story is if you’re the sun you shouldn’t have any problems picking up chicks
So get on that

The end.