Whatever it’s only 2:30 AM

So this other time

Loki is flying through the woods in jotunheim
dunno what he’s doing
probably looking for some hot giant poon
but what he finds
is the exact opposite of that
because this giant Geirrod
(read: Gayrod)
puts grabs his ass and locks him in a chest made of ice
and loki is like dammit let me out
and Geirrod is like NOUP
and Loki is like come on man
pretty hungry
might starve to death
(also remember norse gods are not immortal for some reason
they can die for basically ANY REASON)
and Geirrod is like ok here’s what i’ll do
i’ll let you go
provided you convince thor to get his ass over here
without any weapons or magic girdles or wisecracking animal pals or anything
and Loki is like sure dude trust me
betraying my friends is WHAT I DO

so Geirrod lets him go
and Loki goes back to Asgard
and is like hey Thor
there is something super important going on in Jotunheim
but only people who have no weapons
or magic girdles
or wisecracking animal pals
can see it
so you’re gonna need to leave that shit behind
WAIT HOLD ON
WHY IS LOKI DOING THIS
GEIRROD ALREADY STUPIDLY RELEASED HIM FROM THE ICE CHEST
HE HAS NO LEVERAGE
So either geirrod is holding onto some very risque polaroids
of loki daintily dabbing his ballsack on some giantess’s adam’s apple
or Loki is basically just doing this TO BE A DICK
but EITHER WAY
thor agrees to do this
LIKE AN IDIOT
and thor and loki head over to jotunheim
and on the way they stay with this giant chick
and she is like where are you going
and Thor is like im supposed to see this dude geirrod
and the giant chick is like psh dude
you know he’s gonna try and kill you right?
and Thor is like DAMMIT LOKI
WAS THAT GOING TO BE THE SUPER IMPORTANT THING
WAS IT GOING TO BE GEIRROD KILLING ME
and loki is like well i mean that is a possibility
look dude you have to learn not to do things just because I tell you to
I LIE Thor
I am the GOD of lying
but it’s ok
because the giant chick happens to have a bunch of weapons
that are BASICALLY IDENTICAL IF NOT BETTER THAN THOR’S SHIT
also it fits him somehow

So the next day they have to wade through some fucking river
and it just keeps getting higher and higher
and they are like OH SHIT GONNA DROWN
NEVERMIND THAT LOKI HAS ALREADY DEMONSTRATED HIS ABILITY TO FLY
NO
FUCK THAT
INSTEAD THOR THROWS A ROCK AT THE EVIL GIANT CHICK WHO IS FUCKING WITH THE WATER
Yet another problem solved THANKS TO VIOLENCE
so then they show up at Geirrod’s place
and Geirrod is like oh hey thor whats up
why dont you just sit on this single chair
in the middle of this VERY LARGE ROOM
while i go somewhere else for a while
so thor sits down
LIKE AN IDIOT
and all of a sudden the chair starts rising
because apparently Geirrod’s 2 kids were hiding under it
and now they are trying to crush thor against the ceiling
but thor just takes this unbreakable iron rod out of his pocket
and braces it against the ceiling
and breaks those giants’ BACKS
YAHHHHHHHHHHHH
and then Geirrod comes back in
and is like DAMMIT YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTERS
I TOLD THEM THIS WAS A SHITTY IDEA FOR A TRAP
COME ON
YOU’RE A GIANT
AND YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A PLAN THAT REVOLVES
AROUND YOUR OPPONENT NOT SEEING YOU HIDING UNDER A FUCKING CHAIR?
TWO OF YOU?
I THINK MY DAUGHTERS WERE ACTUALLY PRETTY STUPID NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT
ANYWAY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW
and he throws a red hot fireplace poker at thor
but thor just catches it in his unbreakable iron gauntlets
and then throws it THROUGH AN IRON PILLAR
DIRECTLY INTO GEIRROD’S SKULL
thus making the all time top ten list
of MOST METAL WAYS TO KILL SOMEONE
and then everyone lives happily ever after
or at least until some new bullshit occurs

so let this be a lesson to all would be evil masterminds
the best way to kill your arch-nemesis is NOT
I repeat
IS NOT
to ask his notoriously untrustworthy friend to act as your agent
then rely heavily on a trap composed solely of your daughters and a chair
at least spring for some fucking henchmen
seriously

The end.

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The Norse Can Never Have Enough Booze

Alright so Aegir right

he is having this HUGE PARTY
or rather
he WANTS to have a huge party
but he has one problem
and when you’re dealing with norse gods
this is a problem that is pretty easy to have
the problem
is that aegir
DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH BOOZE
okay now let’s put this in perspective
you see over the course of the average norse god party
the average norse god
consumes enough ale
to give alcohol poisoning TO A TRAIN
and not just any train
one of those carnival trains like you see painted on kids’ walls
with all the animals in them
giraffe?
DEAD
monkeys?
DEAD
elephant?
LYING IN A PUDDLE OF VOMIT
TRYING TO DRUNK DIAL HIS EX GIRLFRIEND WITH HIS MASSIVE ELEPHANT FEET
AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS MY FRIENDS
AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS
so obviously Aegir has kind of a problem

but fortunately Aegir also has a solution
he is like hey Thor
you’re good at taking things from people right?
and Thor is like SHIT YEAH
and Aegir is like sweet man
howsabout you head on over to Hymir’s place in Jotunheim
and get his magic cauldron
which i can use to brew NEARLY LIMITLESS ALE
and thor is like whoa shit i get to kill giants
AND I get to get trashed afterwards?
I WISH THERE WAS A WAY I COULD DO THIS TWICE AT THE SAME TIME

so Thor hits up his buddy Tyr
who happens to also be Hymir’s son
and the two of them set out to get them some cauldron
so first they run into Tyr’s mom
who is just this 900 headed amalgamation of butt-ugly
Thor is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and Tyr is like hey mom
think we can borrow dad’s cauldron to go get shitfaced
and Tyr’s mom is like SOUNDS GOOD TO ME BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO ASK MY HUSBAND

so they go ask Hymir
and Hymir is like FIRST EAT FOOD WITH ME
and thor basically dicks everyone out of a meal
by just straight up devouring TWO OXEN AT ONCE
So Hymir is like shit son
if you’re gonna keep eating my food
we are going to have to get more food
i guess we’re going whaling tomorrow

SO THEY GO WHALING
But that is apparently not hardcore enough for thor
because before they leave
he straight rips the head off Hymir’s best ox
basically just being a dick for little to no reason
and then while Hymir is busy catching two whales
Thor does one better
and catches THE FUCKING MIDGARD SERPENT
he drags that fucker up to the surface
and it pulls him down so hard
his feet bust through the floor of the boat
HYMIR’S BOAT, mind you
and he is just standing on the seafloor
beating the serpent with his hammer
pretty much playing the manliest game of tug of war EVER

but Hymir gets the bajeezus scared out of him by this serpent
and he is like FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
and he cuts thor’s fishing line
and the serpent gets away
and thor is like DAMMIT ASSHOLE
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF SOME KIND OF GRUESOME DEATH OR SOME SHIT
WELL THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET HIT BY HAMMERS
and thor hits him with his hammer
and Hymir falls out of the boat
then thor drags him and his whales and the boat back to Hymir’s castle
like dude can I have your cauldron yet
come on i’m trying to get drunk here

so Hymir realizes he is just being emasculated at a pretty astonishing rate
so he is like ALRIGHT FINE
BUT YOU GOTTA PASS A TEST FIRST
BREAK THIS CRYSTAL GOBLET
so thor is like shit dude
no problem
breaking things is like
what i do
and he takes that goblet
and chucks it at a stone pillar
but the PILLAR busts open instead
no explanation is ever given for this
you would think it was an enchanted glass or something huh
but it’s not
because the next thing thor does is he throws the glass at Hymir’s FACE
and it breaks
and Hymir is like OWW DAMMIT WHATEVER DUDE
JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
JUST
GET OUT
YOU ATE ALL MY FOOD
YOU KILLED MY BEST OXEN
YOU RUINED MY BOAT
AND I THINK YOU JUST BROKE MY FACE
TAKE THE FUCKING CAULDRON I DONT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE
so thor takes the cauldron
which is a mile deep by the way
he just picks it up on his head and carries it home
and the gods spend the rest of the night inventing new levels of drunk

so the moral of the story is
if you are trying to have a sweet party
but you don’t have enough booze
just beat the shit out of your friend’s dad
he’s prolly over 21 he can hook you up

the end.

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Johnny Appleseed Has a Kevlar Scrotum

So America, right?

It has all these fucking trees
but most of them suck
(this is 200 years ago by the way
now i feel like we have significantly fewer trees
but i’m not sure what percentage of them suck)
we got all these like
cedar trees
pine trees
weeping willows
what the fuck guys
weeping willows?
I’m supposed to give a shit about a tree
that does nothing but bitch all day?
what do you have to cry about, asshole
you’re a fucking TREE
GET A JOB

but see what we don’t have at all
is FREE FOOD TREES
all over america
there are hungry dudes
just DREAMING of free food trees
all covered in bacon and waffles
also cigarettes and whiskey
most of these hungry dudes are homeless dudes coincidentally
have you ever listened to the song “the big rock candy mountain,”
like
REALLY listened to it?
it’s a song for homeless dudes
straight up

ENTER JOHNNY APPLESEED
this is a dude
who for FORTY-NINE YEARS
dedicates his life
to kicking hunger in the nuts
he just walks around all over the place
- BAREFOOT, MIND YOU –
with a big old sack of apple seeds
planting trees and taking names
names of people who need to be FED
and then FEEDING THEM APPLES
He wears a pot on his head instead of a hat
and this is super convenient
because what other kind of hat can you make soup in
other than a souphat
and can someone please tell me where I can get a souphat?
also what is a souphat?
I think I made that up
anyway this dude’s feet are SO TOUGH
that one time a rattlesnake tries to bite him in the foot
and it just cannot pierce the rhinoceros hide
that passes for johnny appleseeds’ footskin
also when he gets bored he CHILLS WITH BEARS

Native americans totally dig this dude
i mean what’s not to like
here comes that white dude with no shoes and a pot on his head
handing out apples
do you think he might be crazy?
who gives a shit
at least he’s not setting us on fire and taking our houses
so even when all the tribes basically everywhere
start murdering pioneers
they leave johnny appleseed alone
which he views as a perfect opportunity
to warn all the settlers that there are indians a-comin
at one point he actually runs 26 miles in order to do this
TWENTY SIX MILES MY FRIENDS
THAT IS ONLY ABOUT 300 YARDS SHORT OF A MARATHON
YOU KNOW WHAT FORGET I SAID THAT
IT DOESN’T SOUND THAT COOL WHEN I SAY IT THAT WAY
anyway yeah he does that
and probably thousands more indians die because of it
so good job johnny appleseed
but really mainly he just plants apple trees

the moral of the story
is what the fuck have hippies been up to for the last 200 years
johnny appleseed is one fucking guy
and yet he managed to make a veritable buttload of foodtrees
some of which STILL FUCKING EXIST
meanwhile I’m supposed to get a boner over some asshole duct taped to a live oak?
You can’t eat acorns, asshole
i mean you can
but fuck that
what am I, a squirrel?

The end.

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Zeus does not understand contraception

Okay so yes this is a little late I’m still on East Coast time assholes

anyway Zeus right
he is experimenting with potential hiding places for his penis
all over this chick Metis
he has already tried all the usual options
armpit
ear canal
that place that is like an armpit but it is behind your knee
and you don’t put deodorant on it
or at least I don’t
but actually i dont think the greeks put deodorant anywhere
anyway he’s running out of penis hollows
when he is like wait a second
there is this thing called a vagina i keep hearing about
i wonder if that would be a good place for my penis
well shit only one way to find out
hey metis get over here i need to use your vagina for science
(this is an excellent pick up line by the way
try it at home)
so then they have sex obviously
but clearly zeus has not thought this shit through
i mean when does he ever think this shit through
because see there is this prophecy floating around
that zeus is gonna have a kid that is gonna be more powerful than him
and zeus hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
COME ON
WE CAN’T HAVE THAT
and then someone else tells him that the way you have kids
is by hiding your penis in vaginas for extended periods of time
and zeus is like what seriously
fuckkckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
HEY METIS
GET OVER HERE
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU AND MAYBE FORCE YOU TO HAVE AN ABORTION
and metis is like ok what is this game you are talking about
and zeus is like how bout a shapeshifting contest
and metis is like i dont see how this could possibly go wrong
okay i am a chainsaw now
and zeus is like I AM BUTTER
and metis is like I AM A SALAD
and zeus is like I AM TWO CATS FUCKING
and metis is like FORM OF A GLASS OF WATER
and zeus is like I’M A WHOLE BUCKET OF TACOS
and metis is like OH YEAH WELL I’M A FLY NOW
and zeus is like BAM BITCH THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR
and he eats her
thus effectively solving all his problems forever
but actually his problems are not solved at all
because nine months later
he gets this bonerkilling headache
that kills all his boners with such ferocity
that he actually has hephpaestus split open his head with a shovel
and BOOM
HERE COMES ATHENA
SPRINGING FULLY FORMED OUT OF ZEUS’S BRAINWOMB
and zeus is like aw fuck now i gotta pay child support

so the moral of the story is
always wear a condom
because otherwise
you are going to have to resort to an impromptu skull c-section
with a shovel

It’s good to be back.

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