Who the fuck poaches pigs?

holy shit what is going on in the Ozarks

see there is this old chick right
her name is old betty
which is appropriate
because of how old she is
I think I’m gonna name all my future kids Old
because then it is GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE EVENTUALLY
unless they get fucked to death in their teens by a bison or something
but i mean you can’t think of everything right?
anyway Old Betty is supposed to be a super great conjurer or whatever
like she’s got all these potions and shit
and like special herbs and other varieties of who-gives-a-shit
she sells all this shit in town and I have no idea who the fuck buys it
but anyway that’s not the point
the point is she has a pet pig

who the fuck keeps a pig as a pet
pigs are good for two things
bacon
and crispy bacon
if I had a pig roaming around my house the temptation would just be TOO GREAT
but apparently Old Betty is a vegetarian or some shit
because she keeps this pig around for YEARS
and gives him a shitty name:
Raw Head
what?
LISTEN BITCH
EVERYONE’S HEAD IS RAW
BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT REGULARLY GET THEIR HEADS COOKED WHILE THEY ARE ALIVE
WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST CALL HIM
BREATHING LUNGS
OR
PIG WITH OXYGENATED BLOOD
anyway the pig eats a bunch of her magic spells
because it’s an unruly pig that gets into fucking everything
and so he starts walking around and making wisecracks and shit
which is even more reason to eat him but whatever

anyway one day Old Betty comes into town to sell her mystical bullshit
but HER PIG IS NOT WITH HER
and everyone is used to seeing the crazy witch with the uglyass pig pal
so they’re like hey where the fuck is your pig
and she’s like I DUNNO
but PLOT TWIST
Old Betty uses her crystal ball to figure out what happened to her pig
turns out some shitty poacher just fucking KILLED THAT LITTLE FUCKER
because apparently he is too much of a pussy to poach real shit
like rhinos and elephants and dragons
so he just runs around murdering STRAY FARM ANIMALS
anyway Old Betty gets pretty understandably pissed
so she’s like OH I KNOW
I WILL USE MAGICS
so she conjures some mystical lightning
while yelling about bloody bones
and basically the upshot of all this is that Raw Head’s head comes back to life
and then animates his old bloody bones
and gets up on his hind legs and starts running after the shitty poacher
and chases him down at his farm
or house
or whatever the fuck people live in in the ozarks
and just pulls off some classic horror movie shit
what with the standing in the shadows and breathing in a threatening manner
while the poacher stupidly assumes it is some neighborhood kid playing pranks
and then eventually he gets murdered
because guess what
IT IS STUPID TO IGNORE SKELETAL INTRUDERS ON YOUR FARM
so yeah he dies
and Old Betty is placated

and the moral of the story is
if you wanna kill pigs
be a pig farmer
you get free bacon
and you don’t get chased down by magic demon zombie hogs
usually

THE END

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Paradise Lost Is a Clusterfuck

Okay so quick disclaimer
I know you all want to see my sweet new skulls and explosions hat
but some asshole stole it from me at a party in San Francisco
BUT
one of my friends in Oakland GOT IT BACK FOR ME
THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO WEAR MY POSSESSIONS TO THE PARTIES YOU STOLE THEM FROM
FUCKER
and so it is in the mail right now
but in the meantime you are going to have to deal with this hat:

DEAL WITH IT
DEAL WITH IT

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HERE COME LESBIANS

Fuck you guys it’s greek myth time

So there’s this chick telethusa
which sounds like the name of some cthonian internet service provider
and she is married to some asshole who got her knocked up
and one day he calls her over like hey honey
umm
i hate to say this
but if you squirt a girlchild out of your womb I am going to have to kill it
goddd this is soooo awkward
and Telethusa is like NO SHIT DICKWEED
but actually she stops halfway through the sentence because of UNBEARABLE LABOR PAIN

cuz see here’s the problem
Telethusa is pretty sure she is gonna have a girl
so basically her husband just walked up to her like GONNA MURDER YOUR BABBY LOL
but it’s ok
because then she passes out
and pretty much the ENTIRE EGYPTIAN PANTHEON shows up
seriously
Osiris is there
and Anubis also
now i know what you’re thinking
WAAH I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREEK MYTH
shut up asshole
look it’s fine
Io is also there
and Harpocrates
who is basically just the stolen Greek version of Horus
so that’s sort of a compromise
basically i have no idea what the fuck Ovid thinks he’s doing right now
but anyway io is like hey Telethusa
chill out
your babby’s gonna be fine
I guarantee it
and then immediately the baby is like FUCK THIS I’M OUT OF HERE
and Telethusa is like OW MY PELVIS
AND A BABBY IS BORN

so Telethusa’s husband comes in like hey is that a girl or a boy there
remember
if it is a girl i am going to kill it
so answer carefully
and Telethusa is like TOTALLY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A MAN
and her husband is like SWEET
WON’T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK
guys this is like when i came across the border from Oregon into California
and they were like hey do you have any foreign fruits or vegetables or anything
and i was like nope
and they were like EXCELLENT
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA
and then me and my mobile marijuana farm/killer bee hatchery
rolled right across the border unmolested
THAT IS WHAT THIS IS LIKE
WHAT A SHITTY SYSTEM

anyway Telethusa has to commit to this lie pretty hard
so she raises her little girl
(who her husband names Iphis btw)
as THE ULTIMATE MAN
and by the ultimate man i mean a little girl dressed up as a little boy
anyway Iphis is pretty good looking or whatever
and so this chick Ianthe totally falls in love with her
thinking she is a dude
and the feelings are totally mutual
except Iphis is totally aware of her pesky vagina
actively cockblocking all possible marital funtimes
although i guess cockblocking is a wrong word
because there are no cocks involved
and in fact the acute cock deficit is the root of the problem
maybe cocklacking?
i think i want to stop using the word cockblock altogether
in favor of meatdefeat
but that’s another issue entirely

anyway Iphis spends a lot of time bitching about how unnatural her love is
like she actually has the proverbial balls to claim
that what she wants to do to Ianthe is worse than when that chick fucked that bull
and then gave birth to a MAN-EATING WERECOW
then she briefly entertains the idea
of contracting daedalus to make her a wax strapon
then she’s like no that’s stupid
how about I whine to the gods about it
OR HOW ABOUT YOU INVENT SCISSORING YOU DUMB BITCH
but anyway she’s like yeah hey egyptian gods and also Io
and also some other greek god who is actually a stolen egyptian god
remember how you told my mom you would totally hook me up
well now would be the time to do that
and BAM
INSTANT DONG
and then she (he?) goes and bangs the shit out of Ianthe
thus proving once and for all
that if god is actively hindering your same sex sexytimes
you are clearly praying to the wrong gods
because real pantheons bestow PENISES

THE END

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Mayan birds are either lazy or dumb

Irrationally exuberant gratitude
to world facepunch champion Ulric Hammers
for giving me monetary motivation to tell this myth about fire and idiots
also i will totally update the smorgasbord page on Sunday i am sorry i am so lazy
also i just woke up from a 3 day bender somewhere on the west coast
and found out people have given me INTERNET BILLIONS
to do a video retelling of PARADISE MOTHERFUCKING LOST
so that’s happening as soon as my hangover clears up
BUT FOR NOW HERE IS THE FIRE/IDIOTS FIASCO:

okay so there’s these birds right
one of them is called the Dziu
but actually it is just a cuckoo with a fancy name
and also SUPER fancy feathers
like this dude is the flava flav of having stupid amounts of radical plumage
and he is also a super helpful motherfucker
always first in line for all the retardedly dangerous missions
so one day Yuum Chaac
who is the god of water and agriculture and unnecessary vowels
is like holy shit
all of the crops are failing pretty much AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
we seriously can’t plant any more fucking crops this is ridiculous
how do we solve this
oh I know lemme pawn off my job on some BIRDS
HEY BIRDS

so the birds all show up like tweet tweet sup
and Yuum Chaac is like hey bros so here is what is going to happen
i am gonna get my buddy Kak to set EVERYTHING ON FIRE
and the birds are like wait
what
and Yuum Chaac is like trust me this is the best way to go about this
and the birds are like ok well what the fuck do we know we’re just some fucking birds
and Yuum Chaac is like damn right
so what i need you to do
is fly around and grab AS MANY SEEDS AS POSSIBLE
so we can plant crops in all the ashes everywhere once we’re done burning shit
and the Dziu
who is an overachieving little twatbird
is like OOH OOH ME FIRST
and shows up WAY FUCKING EARLY
and grabs more seeds than ANYONE ELSE
but then obviously gets tired
and is like hey gods can i get a rest right quick
and the gods are like sure dude no problem
and all the other birds are like wait why the fuck does he get to rest
we are going to rest EXACTLY AS HARD AS THAT DUDE RIGHT NOW
and then nobody is collecting seeds
which would be fine
except Kak went ahead and set everything on fire HOURS AGO
i guess cause he got bored?
and so now fire is coming from all sides and Yuum Chaac is like oh fuck
i guess maybe i should have made plans
but instead of using any water god powers or anything
he is like HEY CUCKOO BIRD FUCKING SAVE ALL THE CORNSEEDS
and that bird is like YESSIR
and just dives straight into the fire
horribly mutilating himself in the process
but getting a ton of seeds
and also probably some really shitty popcorn
and all his pimp-ass feathers are burned right the fuck off
and his eyes are all red
and everyone is like ewww what the fuck
and Yuum Chaac is like SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
FROM NOW ON YOU GUYS ALL HAVE TO RAISE THIS DUDE’S KIDS FOR HIM
and the birds are like whaaat
well shit i guess it’s better than having to dive into fire
but then it turns out that it is actually worse
because according to science
these uglyass birds have a habit of pushing ALL THE OTHER BABY BIRDS OUT THE NEST
so way to go birds
way to sacrifice all your future offspring to this mutilated piece of shit

so i guess the moral of the story
is try to dive into a lot of fires
because then your babies get to push other babies out of trees

THE END

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Sinbad the Sailor: COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS (Part 2)

alright so Sinbad has just gotten back from risking his life 3 times
he has all this money and his financial security is more or less assured
so what time is it?
BOOZE AND WHORES TIME OF COURSE
and he wakes up some morning
all covered in confetti with his legs wrapped around a transvestite orangutan
and he is like oh shit where is all my money
I GUESS I BETTER GO RISK MY LIFE AGAIN

so he gets some merchandise and he gets on a boat
and there is a totally predictable storm
and BAM now they are all washed up on some island
but it is okay because here come some naked dudes
who invite them to have some really gross food
and sinbad is like ew this food is gross
but everyone else is like YUM YUM YUM
and they just keep eating it
and being really disgusting
and getting fat and stupid like fat stupid cows
and then the naked dudes eat them
but when it becomes clear that Sinbad is not going to become a fat stupid cow
everyone kind of forgets about him
and he wanders off
you know
starving to death
and some other dudes who are not naked or cannibals find him
and they are like dude come chill with us in our sweet kingdom
and the king is like holy shit your stories are AMAZING
lemme hook you up with some bitches and riches right quick
and suddenly Sinbad is A RICH MARRIED MOTHERFUCKER

but oh shit what is this
apparently there is a custom here where if your spouse dies
you get buried alive with their corpse
so you can starve to death and be sad AT THE SAME TIME
EFFICIENT
and what do you know
Sinbad’s wife dies
so everyone is like get the fuck in the hole asshole
and he is like i don’t wanna
and they’re like tough tits sugarlumps
and they chuck him in the pit
along with 7 days worth of food and water for some reason
and he decides to make that shit last AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
and then pretty soon some other poor chick gets lowered into the pitcave
to die of starvation with her dead husband
and she is like OH GOD PLEASE KILL ME
and Sinbad is like SURE NO PROBLEM
and beats her to death with a skeleton and steals her food
he does this OVER AND OVER AGAIN
and people give him MONEY FOR DOING IT
and that is how he survives
until eventually he finds a tunnel to the outside and a ship picks him up
and they give him even more sweet treasure and he goes back to Baghdad

so he gets back to Baghdad and he is like hm shit
every time i do one of these voyages i have to endure horrible tortures
and i almost die a lot
maybe i should stop doing voyages
OH WHOOPS LOOKS LIKE MY LOVE OF BOOZE AND WHORES OUTWEIGHS MY DESIRE TO KEEP LIVING
ADVENTURE AHOYYYYYYYYY
BUT WAIT
I’M NOT RISKING ENOUGH IN THIS ADVENTURE
HOW ABOUT I BUY A SHIP THIS TIME
SO THAT WHEN WE INEVITABLY ENCOUNTER A STORM I WILL LOSE EVEN MORE MONEY
so that is what he does
and he gets a crew
and they set off
and pretty much immediately Sinbad’s crew starts fucking up
because they stop on some island and they see another one of those huge rukh eggs
and they are like well we are suicidally reckless
how about we throw rocks at this thing til it breaks
then kill the baby
then steal its meat
this will surely not upset the GIANT BIRDPARENTS
so they come back to sinbad like hey bro want some chicken
and Sinbad is like YOU IDIOTS
YOU UNAPOLOGETIC SACKS FULL OF FREEBASED STUPIDITY
and then Rukhs show up and totally ruin the ship with rocks and nonsense
but Sinbad survives obviously
and he wakes up on some island
and he dicks around for a while until he finds some old man
and the old man is mute but he is basically like dude gimme a piggy back ride
and Sinbad is like well shit what else am i gonna do
so he picks this dude up
and all of a sudden the dude is like YAHHH BITCH
except he doesn’t say it with his words
he says it with FURIOUS KICKS TO THE CHEST
and this goes on for DAYS
until finally sinbad is like fuck this
I’m going to hollow out some pumpkins
fill them with grapes
and make WINE
so i will still be miserable
but at least i will be SHITFACED AS WELL
and he starts gettin tipsay
and the old man is like what the fuck is this
and sinbad is like i have been drinking my friend
would you like some booze
and the dude is like YESSSSSSS
and he has never had any drunksauce before so he gets WASTED
and eventually falls off Sinbad and sinbad chokes him to death
and then gets picked up by some dudes who are like whoa
you just killed the old man of the sea
good job

but wait
Sinbad can’t go home yet
he hasn’t made his booze and whores allowance yet
so they go to some island called the island of the apes
because there are apes and everyone has to sleep on boats at night
otherwise the apes with fuck them to death
if it was me i would probably just use the boats to FIND A DIFFERENT ISLAND
but anyway Sinbad gets lost and everyone forgets about him
and he’s like FUCK now i am stranded
but it’s okay because he is the ULTIMATE BUSINESSMAN
and he pretty much just makes a fortune selling coconuts
and then another ship comes and they make a whole shitload of money
and then he goes home and settles down for some sweet whoretimes

although actually
i think he might have a family at this point?
I don’t know when he had time to start a family
with all the boozing and whoring
and i don’t know where he puts his family while he repeatedly disappears for years
but he’s got one and he’ll be damned if he’s going to leave again
oh wait that’s a lie
he totally leaves again

so he gets on some other boat
which just immediately sinks
and then he gets washed up on an island with a bunch of other dudes
and there are all these other ships washed up there
with sweet mounds of cash piled up everywhere
and also big barrels of beef jerky
but the beef jerky has gone bad apparently
because everyone gets fever and dies
one by one
except sinbad
who instead of dying builds a raft
covers it with riches
and sails down some river he finds
which leads him through a cave and into this really sweet kingdom

so he wakes up in this sweet kingdom
and some dudes are like whoa where did you come from
and Sinbad tells them his story
and they are like WHOA
THAT IS ONE BADASS STORY
OUR KING HAS GOT TO HEAR THIS
man
i wish we still lived in an era
where someone might find me passed out on the sidewalk
and then i might tell them a really sweet story
and then they might take me to see the president
but anyway the king is totally all about sinbad
he gives him tons of cash and whatnot
but finally sinbad is like i gots to get home
and the king is like well ok give this incredibly valuable goblet to your king
along with a really nice letter i wrote
and Sinbad is like that is really nice of you
and then he goes home with a ton of money and NO FURTHER PROBLEMS

so then he’s at home for a while
and he is seriously prepared to not have to engage in any more bullshit EVER
but then the king of Baghdad or whatever calls him up like dude
that was a very pleasant letter you brought me
I want to send a thankyou note
and YOU ARE JUST THE MAN FOR THE JOB
and Sinbad is like well really dude I would rather not
and the king is like FUCKING DO IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT
and Sinbad is like sure dude ok
so he takes a thankyou note to the other king
and everything is going great
until he is heading back home and OH GUESS WHAT SOME PIRATES ATTACK
and then they sell sinbad into slavery
but his master is a pretty okay dude
he just has him clean up the house a little bit
oh yeah and POACH ELEPHANTS WITH A GODDAMN BOW AND ARROW
yeah Sinbad has to sit in a tree all day every day
shooting elephants in the head with arrows
until one day the elephants get sick of his shit
and knock over the tree
and drag him to a bigass pit full of elephant bones
like dude
there is so much ivory over here
why you gotta keep murdering us man
and then sinbad tells his master about that
and his master hooks him up with sweet bling of all sorts
and sets him free
and he gets on a boat and he gets some pearls too
and probably just a whole deluge of unspeakable riches
really it doesn’t even matter at this point
the idea i am getting
is that sinbad could eat nothing but gold coins pure cocaine for the rest of time
and it would not be a problem
seriously this dude is rich as fuck
and the story ends with him inviting the dude he has been telling this story to
(Sinbad the Landsman, remember?)
to just come live in his palace forever
and be equally rich
but without any of the requisite effort

so the moral of the story is pretty clear
try to have the same name as rich dudes
they will hook you up

the end.

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Sinbad sure does like booze and whores (Part 1)

I AM IN SAN FRANCISCO

and I am on my knees sacrificing goats in the honor of celebrity knife maniac
JANE DOE
for giving me some of her tainted murder dollars to tell this myth
HERE GOES

Alright so there’s this dude Sinbad right

Holy fucking shit this guy is simultaneously a huge idiot and an ultimate badass
When our story begins he is super fucking wealthy
And constantly having parties at his crib
And this other dude named Sinbad shows up
And Sinbad the sailor is like WHOA FUCK YOU HAVE THE SAME NAME AS ME
LEMME TELL YOU HOW I GOT SO RICH
IT WILL TAKE 7 DAYS
I HOPE YOU LIKE PARTIES
And here is how the story goes
Basically he’s the son of a wealthy merchant
JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN EVERY GODDAMN ARABIAN MYTH
DID PEOPLE EVEN HAVE OTHER PROFESSIONS?
Anyway his dad dies and he gets a huge inheritance
But then he squanders it all on booze and whores
And wakes up one morning like fuck
Where is all my money
What are all my booze and whores?
Shit
Better make more money
I KNOW
I’LL BECOME A MERCHANT
So he gets some cloth and some other saleable shit
And gets on a boat
And they go stop on some island
And WHABAM STORM TIME
And everyone gets back on the ship
But Sinbad is TOOO FUCKING SLOW
So he gets left behind
And he is all sad but at least the island has a ton of food and shit
And then one day he runs into some dudes who are trying to catch seahorses
But not the kind you are thinking
ACTUAL HORSES
FROM THE SEA
And he tells these dudes his story
And the dudes are like HOLY SHIT THAT’S A GREAT STORY
YOU DESERVE A PROMINENT POSITION IN OUR GOVERNMENT
So Sinbad becomes the minister of trade
And then one day some dudes show up with a ship
And they are like hey we would like to sell some goods belonging to our dead friend
His name was Sinbad the Sailor
And Sinbad is like HOLY SHIT THAT’S MY NAME
And they’re like BULLSHIT
And he’s like NO SERIOUSLY
And they’re like OH SNAP DUDE LET’S GO MERCHANT THE FUCK OUT OF SHIT
And the king gives him a ton of gold as a parting gift
And they go make a ton more gold
And then eventually he goes back to Baghdad

So he IMMEDIATELY SPENDS ALL HIS MONEY ON BOOZE AND WHORES AGAIN
And plus he gets pretty bored not being in mortal peril all the time
So he is like WELP BETTER GET ON ANOTHER FUCKING BOAT
And AWAY HE GOES
So they all find this really sweet island
And Sinbad likes it SOOOOO MUCH
That he totally forgets to get back on his boat
And everybody leaves him behind
so he starts wandering around
and he finds this bigass egg
and a bigass bird called a Rukh sitting on the egg
and he’s like HOLY SHIT I JUST HAD A REALLY STUPID IDEA
I’MA TAKE MY TURBAN AND TIE IT TO THAT RUKH’S LEG
AND WHEN IT GOES OUT HUNTING
IT WILL CARRY ME SOMEWHERE AWESOME
So he does this incredibly dumb thing
And the bird does in fact carry him to someplace else
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT’S A DESERTED PLATEAU WITH NO MEANS OF ESCAPE
BUT GUESS WHAT
IT TURNS OUT THE GROUND IS COVERED IN DIAMONDS
BUT GUESS WHAT
THE DIAMONDS ARE COVERED IN SNAKES
HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY
And then while Sinbad is staring at all these snakes and diamonds
BAM a dead animal falls down in front of him
And he remembers some stories about how some merchants try to use dead bodies to fish for diamonds down here
Like the diamonds stick to the corpses
And then birds carry the corpses up and the merchants scare them away and take the diamonds
So Sinbad fills his pockets with diamonds and grabs onto this dead animal
And SHO NUFF
HERE COMES A BIRD AND LIFTS HIM UP
And then he sees some merchants and gives them diamonds and everyone is pals
And they make a ton of cash and then he goes back to Baghdad

So he’s back in Baghdad!
BOOZE AND WHORES TIME
OOP GUESS I GOTTA GO ON ANOTHER ADVENTURE
So he gets on another boat
And they are boating around
When OH SHIT HERE COMES THE ISLAND OF THE APES
IT IS LIKE THE PLANET OF THE APES BUT JUST AN ISLAND
AND WHAT THE APES DO IS STEAL YOUR BOAT
So now they have no boat
So they find a house that CLEARLY belongs to an ogre
And they’re like welp better sleep here
And of course the ogre comes home and murders some of them
And then they are like should we leave?
NAH
And stay there ANOTHER night and the ogre eats MORE of them
At which point they are like we should seriously leave huh?
Maybe we should build some rafts?
And then poke out his eyes?
So they do that
And the ogre and his wife chase them but they escape
To an island where they get eaten by SNAKES
But Sinbad escapes by tying himself to a tree with his turban
And then when that doesn’t work he just staples a bunch of logs to his body
so he’s too big to eat
and then he finds some boat dudes
and they take him to some other boat dudes
who HAPPEN TO HAVE HIS FUCKING STUFF
so that’s cool
and then he makes a ton more money and goes back to Baghdad again
and I’m gonna tell the rest on Tuesday cause this fucker is LONG

NO END IN SIGHT

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Ilmatar likes to dive headfirst into shitstorms

Awestruck shoutout
to Scandanavian sex icon Pjarl Torturetruck
for bathing me in a sea of dollars
in an effort to get me to tell this myth from the Kalevala
(National epic of FINLAND!)
EFFORT SUCCESSFUL

So basically there’s this chick Ilmatar right
except in the original version
you don’t find out what her name is until the LAST FUCKING LINE OF THE STORY
that my friends
is called bad storytelling
anyway Ilmatar is like the daughter of Ether
whatever that means
i guess basically it means she hangs out in bumfuck airland nowheresville
all the time
every day
and so understandably she gets SUPER BORED
and she is like IMA GO SWIMMING
and the ocean is like HA HA BITCH I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS A LONG TIME
and proceeds to just conjure up EVERY AVAILABLE STORM
in order to turn Ilmatar’s life into a living well of watery torturesex
so not only does she get drowned for like SEVEN YEARS
and super lost
even though how can you ever get lost
when your house
is AIR
but anyway she also gets PREGNANT
and also the water won’t let her go above the surface
all like nope
nope
and she keeps swimming everywhere but it is NO USE AT ALL
and she is like mannnn
i sure was bored in the ether
but being bored definitely trumps simultaneously drowning and being pregnant
EVERY TIME
hey Ukko
UKKO
GOD OF ALL THINGS
CAN YOU HOOK A SISTER UP WITH SOME ASSISTANCE PLEASE?
and ukko doesn’t say shit but then a duck appears
it is not clear whether Ukko sent the duck
maybe it’s just some duck
i dunno

anyway the duck is flying around
but see the problem is THERE IS NOWHERE TO LAND
so it’s about to leave
when Ilmatar is like shit shit shit
hold on
and sticks her shoulder and one of her knees above the water
the water that until now
has ACTIVELY BEEN PREVENTING HER FROM BREAKING THE SURFACE
i guess it figures it’s fine if she breaks the surface
as long as she suffers a lot while doing it
the ocean is a DICK
but not an actual dick
although wouldn’t it be funny
if astronauts went to space
and sent back the first aerial photographs of the earth
and it turns out that all the oceans were shaped like dicks?
man that would be CLASSIC
anyway Ilmatar is in an incredibly painful and awkward position
having to hold her shoulders and knee up
while simultaneously treading water with her asscheeks probably
and the duck is like OH SHIT LAND
and goes down and builds a fucking nest on her knee
and then lays some eggs
and then sits on them
but meanwhile Ilmatar is like FUCK HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE
WHAT DOES THIS DUCK HAVE TO DO WITH ME NOT BEING IN WATER ANYMORE
NOW I AM IN WATER AND ALSO UNCOMFORTABLE AND THERE ARE EGGS ON MY KNEE
oh yeah also?
the eggs are made of gold
and one of them
is made of IRON
NOT THE BEST THING TO HAVE TO BALANCE ON YOUR FUCKING KNEE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS
and so predictably she fails
she starts shaking her knee around
and the nest explodes
and all the eggs fall off and break in the ocean
BUT IT’S OKAY
BECAUSE THEY TURN INTO LAND FOR SOME REASON
ALSO HEAVEN
PROBLEM SOLVED
TOTALLY SHOULD’VE STARTED SHAKING YOUR KNEE AROUND EARLIER HUH ILMATAR

so now there’s land
awesome
now Ilmatar can finally get out of the fucking water right?
WRONG
she swims around for another like TWENTY YEARS
just making shit
like islands and fishholes and the marianas trench
which begs the question
WHY DIDN’T SHE DO THIS EARLIER
WHAT WAS IT ABOUT BROKEN METAL DUCK EGGS THAT SUDDENLY MADE ALL THINGS POSSIBLE
but anyway then there’s this dude Wainamoinen
whose name i am now going to be saying over and over again ALL DAY
ESPECIALLY WHEN I GO TO THE POST OFFICE AND PEOPLE ARE STARING AT ME
and Wainamoinen is either still in Ilmatar’s coochbag
or imprisoned underground or something?
the text is not clear
but if he’s still not born yet
then that makes him THIRTY YEARS OLD AT THIS POINT
which is just straight up creepy
i mean why would Ilmatar wanna keep a baby in her that long?
did she just forget?
do people forget things like that?
but no matter where he is
Wainamoinen is pretty pissed off
about not being able to move around and do shit
so he’s like HEY
SUN
HEY
MOON
HEY
BEAR OF HEAVEN
holy shit there’s a bear of heaven?
okay that must be Ursa Major
but i prefer to think of it as just some fucking bear
that is running around all over the sky massacring everything and answering prayers
as long as they are prayers to get MASSACRED
but yeah Wainamoinen is asking all these celestial motherfuckers to let him out
and they just straight up ignore him
so he’s like you know what fuck this
and just busts out on his own
and then swims around the ocean for a bunch of years super lost
but finally he finds some land
and he’s like whoa shit there are trees and whatnot
and he starts walking around
and has a whole bunch more adventures probably and it’s great

so the moral of the story is
you are alone in the universe
i mean
the gods are there
but they are either not listening
or they think the solution to your problem is to throw incompetent ducks at you
so you’re just gonna have to figure shit out on your own

the end.

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George Bush Re-Elected President? Fuck This, I’m Moving to Candide.

So i was reading the newspaper this morning
after making myself the ULTIMATE SANDWICH
because it was lunchtime actually
but i had just woken up so it was MORNING FOR ME ASSHOLES
anyway in the newspaper they were talking about some ethics nonsense
and someone said something like
blah blah blah younger generations are left holding the bag
what the fuck does “left holding the bag” mean
what’s in the bag?
is it poop?
is there poop in the bag?
because if so
why did the younger generation agree to hold it to begin with?
ANYWAY HERE IS A VIDEO

all i’m saying
is if someone is like here hold this bag of poop
and you TAKE IT FROM THEM
YOU DESERVE WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT

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Percival has a habit of listening to idiots

Fearful supplication
to socialite necromancer Diablo Von Wormfeeder
for the money necessary to tell this myth about some idiots

okay so Percival right
he’s riding around looking for the holy grail
or just fucking up knights and saving damsels or whatever
honestly all these dudes have fucking ADD
(except king Pellenor but that’s a totally different story)
because they will be riding along doing their sworn mission
when all of a sudden OH LOOK A CASTLE
or OH WHAT IS THIS A DRAGON
or LOOK ANOTHER GUY ON A HORSE
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR:
INDISCRIMINATE VIOLENCE!
but back to the story at hand

see Percival may be a real strong dude
and he may have some really sweet armor now cuz he stole it from a dude he killed
but he is still a huge idiot
and in fact he will always be a huge idiot
this is a non-negotiable aspect of his character
but lo and behold here comes some knight
called Sir Gornamont
who just has to go trying to make Percival LESS STUPID SOMEHOW
he’s like DUDE
DUUUUUUDE
you have some sweet armor and everything
but everyone can tell almost immediately
that you fell out of the moron tree
while trying to pick stupidberries
for a dumbfuck casserole
here let me train you in some knight shit

OKAY SO RULE 1:
don’t kill dudes who are unarmed or tell you not to kill them
RULE 2:
be nice to damsels
RULE 3:
don’t ask so many fucking questions
questions are stupid and you are stupid for asking them
and percival is like ok sounds good
and OFF HE GOES LOOKING FOR MORE TROUBLE

and of course he finds trouble
all over the fucking place
trouble is everywhere in arthurian times
but eventually he gets pretty tired from all the trouble all the fuck everywhere
and he is like fuck i better find someplace to rest
so he gets to this river right
and there are some dudes fishing in the river
and they are like oh man sorry dude
there is no bridge for like a LOOOOONG ways
but you can totally stay at my castle
it’s over that way

so percival starts riding
and he’s riding and riding and riding
and he’s like where the fuck is this castle
but then SUPRISE
HERE IT IS
so Percival goes inside
and WHOA
THERE’S THE FISHERMAN
SITTING AT THE HEAD OF THIS BIGASS TABLE
HE IS THE KING
what the fuck how did he get here so fast
and why didn’t he give percival a lift
clearly there was some magic involved
are you telling me there was NO MAGIC TO SPARE?
BULLSHIT
OLDE ENGLAND HAS GOT MAGIC COMING OUT ITS FUCKING EARS
WHAT THE FUCK FISHER KING WAY TO TIRE OUT AN INNOCENT GOD-FEARING HORSE
but anyway the king is all laid up on a couch like mannn
i’m super injured dude
have been for a while
but yeah sit down have some food
and no sooner does Percival sit down
when some dude walks in with a bigass lance
and BLOOD IS FUCKING COMING OUT OF IT
and Percival is thinking what the fuck is this shit
but he doesn’t say it because he remembers that QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTS
and then some chick struts in with a fancy ass goblet
and Percival is thinking DOUBLE WTF 2X MAX POINTS COMBO
but he doesn’t say SHIT
cause QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTS
and these fuckers fancyswagger all across the room THREE FUCKING TIMES
and every time they do
ALL THE PLATES AND CUPS ON THE BIGASS TABLE FILL UP
AND EVERYONE EATS FOOD
and Percival is thinking THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKS THAT I WANT TO KNOW THE WHATS OF
but still he stays TOTALLY GRAVE-ASS SILENT
because QUESTIONS
ARE FOR
IDIOTS
and then they finish eating and the fisher king is like alright well
feeling pretty shitty cause of my grievous injuries
gonna hit the sack
night dude
and percival is like yeah for sure
and then he passes out
and wakes up in the morning
and EVERYONE IS GONE
but at least his armor has been cleaned so that’s good
and he gets on his horse
and he leaves the castle
and the drawbridge goes up behind him
and then he sees some chick standing around with a headless dude in her arms
like BOO HOO HOO THIS GUY IS DEAD CAN YOU TELL
and percival is like I WILL HELP
and the chick is like orly
can you reattach severed heads because that is basically the only solution here
and Percival is like well shit
guess not then
and the chick is like PS
you are an asshole
if you had asked even one question during that feast
the king would have been totally healed
because that cup?
THAT WAS THE HOLY GRAIL
and that lance
apparently stabbed christ in the nuts
so WAY TO GO ASSHOLE WAY TO FIND THE GRAIL AND THEN JUST FUCKING FAIL ON ALL COUNTS

so percival goes back to Camelot all sad-like
and tells arthur about this shit
and then some ugly bitch shows up like HEY
PERCIVAL
IN CASE YOU FORGOT ALREADY
YOU FUCKED UP
WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS
and percival is like holy shit i get it ok
how about i go back out and find the stupid grail again
how about that
how about i find it and then i’ll ask a FUCKTON of questions
how does that sound
will you fucking stop bothering me if I do that?
and the old chick is like sure whatever
and Percival does actually eventually find the grail
but i’m pretty sure he doesn’t ask any fucking questions
so there goes that promise

anyway the moral of the story
is if you see a bunch of weird shit going on
and you have no idea what that shit is
it’s probably the holy grail
so fuck asking questions
just take that shit

the end.

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