Mayan birds are either lazy or dumb

Irrationally exuberant gratitude
to world facepunch champion Ulric Hammers
for giving me monetary motivation to tell this myth about fire and idiots
also i will totally update the smorgasbord page on Sunday i am sorry i am so lazy
also i just woke up from a 3 day bender somewhere on the west coast
and found out people have given me INTERNET BILLIONS
to do a video retelling of PARADISE MOTHERFUCKING LOST
so that’s happening as soon as my hangover clears up

okay so there’s these birds right
one of them is called the Dziu
but actually it is just a cuckoo with a fancy name
and also SUPER fancy feathers
like this dude is the flava flav of having stupid amounts of radical plumage
and he is also a super helpful motherfucker
always first in line for all the retardedly dangerous missions
so one day Yuum Chaac
who is the god of water and agriculture and unnecessary vowels
is like holy shit
all of the crops are failing pretty much AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
we seriously can’t plant any more fucking crops this is ridiculous
how do we solve this
oh I know lemme pawn off my job on some BIRDS

so the birds all show up like tweet tweet sup
and Yuum Chaac is like hey bros so here is what is going to happen
i am gonna get my buddy Kak to set EVERYTHING ON FIRE
and the birds are like wait
and Yuum Chaac is like trust me this is the best way to go about this
and the birds are like ok well what the fuck do we know we’re just some fucking birds
and Yuum Chaac is like damn right
so what i need you to do
is fly around and grab AS MANY SEEDS AS POSSIBLE
so we can plant crops in all the ashes everywhere once we’re done burning shit
and the Dziu
who is an overachieving little twatbird
and shows up WAY FUCKING EARLY
and grabs more seeds than ANYONE ELSE
but then obviously gets tired
and is like hey gods can i get a rest right quick
and the gods are like sure dude no problem
and all the other birds are like wait why the fuck does he get to rest
and then nobody is collecting seeds
which would be fine
except Kak went ahead and set everything on fire HOURS AGO
i guess cause he got bored?
and so now fire is coming from all sides and Yuum Chaac is like oh fuck
i guess maybe i should have made plans
but instead of using any water god powers or anything
and that bird is like YESSIR
and just dives straight into the fire
horribly mutilating himself in the process
but getting a ton of seeds
and also probably some really shitty popcorn
and all his pimp-ass feathers are burned right the fuck off
and his eyes are all red
and everyone is like ewww what the fuck
and Yuum Chaac is like SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
and the birds are like whaaat
well shit i guess it’s better than having to dive into fire
but then it turns out that it is actually worse
because according to science
these uglyass birds have a habit of pushing ALL THE OTHER BABY BIRDS OUT THE NEST
so way to go birds
way to sacrifice all your future offspring to this mutilated piece of shit

so i guess the moral of the story
is try to dive into a lot of fires
because then your babies get to push other babies out of trees




Gonna talk about mayan dudes again in a mildly inaccurate fashion

So there are these two dudes
Hun Hunapú and Vucub Hunapú
they are twins
or at least brothers
i mean they have the same last name
anyway they piss off the gods of the underworld
with their constant ball-playing
yes that is right
they play sports SO HARD
that it upsets SATAN
I did not know this was possible
until i read the popol vuh
where this shit is written down
anyway the gods summon them down to the underworld
which is called Xibalbá
because no mayan story is complete
without like six thousand proper nouns
beginning with the letter X
the gods of the underworld are all
hey guys we heard you like ball playing
and the twins are like what of it
and the gods are like if you like ball games so much
how about you play ball with us
and the twins are like ok
because they are pretty hot shit at ball playing
so the game starts
now if this was a greek myth
the twins would use some kind of trickery
or insane skill
and beat the gods
but this is a mayan myth
the gods win and they kill these dudes and bury them under the ball court
except for Hun’s head
they put that on a calabash tree for some reason
turns out that is a bad idea
because some chick named Xquic walks by
and hun spits in her hand
and he is such a true man that this causes her to get pregnant
and she gives birth to TWINS
you think you are such hot shit
because your penis is one and a half inch longer
than the national average
try impregnating a random chick with your saliva
in her hand
from a tree
on which someone has deposited YOUR SEVERED HEAD
who knows where his dick even was
is the point i am making
actually wait i went and read it again
it wasn’t even his head
it was just his skull
skulls don’t even fucking make saliva
so like
i guess when he still had skin and stuff
he just collected a big glob of spit in there
and he HELD IT
for some chick to walk by
i want that shit on a poster
that says hang in there
impotence is not a problem
for mayan mythological figures
so yeah Xquic gives birth to twins
they are called Hunahpú
and Xbalanqué
and these two guys
of course
are alive for like five fucking minutes
before they discover their dad’s ball-playing gear
and start playing some goddamn ball
and they play SO GODDAMN HARD
that they piss off the underworld AGAIN
and THEY get summoned down there
and the gods are like hey you may have noticed that severed head
hanging from that tree by your house
that was the last dude who fucking kept us awake
with his ball-playing
and hunahpú and xbalanqué look at them and are like
that skull is our FATHER
and the gods are like exactly
we killed your father
we are totally going to kill you too
why the fuck do you guys even like playing ball this much
ok look do you want to play ball for your lives
and the twins say yeah sure
because they are even HOTTER SHIT
than their dads were.
i don’t think both of the other guys were their father
because that would be weird
anyway they play ball
and see
if this was a roman myth
or maybe like
a norse myth
these guys would totally have won
and avenged their fathers
but like i said
fucking mayans
the gods win again
and they kill the twins and bury them under the ball court
but there is a TWIST
because it turns out the twins are FUCKING IMMORTAL
so they dig themselves up and sneak away
and they come up with a crafty plan
which is to come directly back to the underworld
dressed as traveling performers
and the gods are like SWEEEEEET
because it is boring in Xibalbá
so Hunahpú and Xbalanqué put on a fantastic show
fucking amazing shit going on
maybe they do an amazing magic trick
where they make their names easier to fucking type
and then they get to the finale
and for the finale
one of them cuts off the other’s head
and the puts it back on
and he is fine
and all the gods are like SHIT SHIT AWESOME
and the twins are like sure ok
and just go and chop off the gods’ heads
without any fucking resistance whatsoever
because that is how slick they are
and then they go dig up their dads
and resurrect them
and they all live happily ever after
and none of them ever forget how lucky they are
to be able to use their DICKS to get women pregnant

The end


Switching shit up

Okay so normally I talk about greek dudes

but i am going to switch it up right now and talk about some mayan dudes instead
for example
there is this one mayan dude
he has like fifty goddamn names
Like Hurucan
and Gugumatz
And Heart-of-Sky
and im not even really sure if he is one person or two people
because they keep acting like he is two people
but the two people never do anything independently
so they’re basically just one person
or like some kind of hive-mind
anyway we’re going to call this thing Quetzalcoatl
Quetzalcoatl is bored because all there is anywhere is just a whole bunch of water
and some sky
and it’s not even interesting sky because there is no light
so Quetzalcoatl is like okay boom
and there is some light
and then he goes boom again
and there is some land
but this is still pretty lame because what is the point
of being able to do this kind of shit
if there is no one around to get freaked out by how cool it is
so he has this great idea
and he makes some forests
and then he just makes up a bunch of animals
like jaguars and shit
a whole bunch of shit but mostly jaguars
and then he’s like
And the jaguars are all rarrrr we are jaguars
we can’t talk or be impressed
so Quetzalcoatl is like aww fuck you guys
I’m gonna make some way more awesome creatures
and they are going to worship me
and you are going to be their SLAVES
so he gets some dirt
and he makes dirt-people
but the dirt-people really suck
because first of all
they are made out of dirt
second of all they only speak gibberish
and also they dissolve in water
so basically they are pretty lame
and Quetzalcoatl figures that even if they COULD worship him
he would get pretty embarassed
so he kills all of them
by dumping water on them
and then he calls these 2 other dudes
Xpiacoc and Xmucane
who have names that sound like antidepressants
and is like hey is it a good idea for me to make people out of wood?
and they say yeah go for it
so he makes people out of wood
like a whole bunch of wooden robots basically
and they can speak and walk around
and they don’t dissolve in water
but they are tremendous assholes
one might even say they had a STICK up their asses
get it get it
they totally forget to worship Quetzalcoatl at all
and he’s getting pretty pissed at this point
because he has seriously made EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS
and no one is giving him ANY CREDIT
so he kind of freaks the fuck out a little
and rains fire
and rain
and burns everything to cinders
and then makes all of the wood-people’s cookware come alive and kill them
and all the animals move into their houses and eat them
even though they are made of wood and totally not tasty
and meanwhile Quetzalcoatl makes a bunch of people
out of tortillas
and they live happily ever after
in fact everyone lives happily ever after
except the wood people
who get chased into the woods and turned into monkeys
so the moral of the story is
never set fire to a monkey
because it is made out of wood
and you will start a forest fire

The End.