Even Tristram’s NAME is Sad

Hey first of all guys
here is some bad news
I have only sold 9 crossdressing shirts so far
which means that people need to buy thirty-one more shirts
in the next EIGHT DAYS
or else I can’t get them screenprinted
so i mean
this doesn’t have to be bad news
just steal your friends’ credit cards
and go to this page
and buy like a million shirts
and problem solved

but anyway enough of that
IT’S SADNESS TIME

so there’s this dude Tristram right
and he is one saaaaaaaaaad motherfucker
he is like running around
accidentally killing knights who try to joust with him
because he is the best knight ever
besides Lancelot but whatever
I like to think of him as the green ranger to Lancelot’s black ranger
or was it white ranger
which was the one that the green ranger like turned into later
who was super great?
hold on shit maybe Galahad is the black ranger
look fuck those guys BLUE RANGER FOREVER
(Sir Gawaine is the Blue Ranger
shit no wait sir Gawaine isn’t a fucking nerd)
ANYWAY

so Tristram becomes a knight of the round table pretty easy
cuz of how great he is
and then King Arthur is like OK TRISTRAM
THERE IS THIS DOUCHEBAG KING MARK DOWN IN CORNWALL
HE IS REFUSING TO SWEAR FEALTY TO ME AND ALSO HE IS YOUR UNCLE
GO MAKE HIM DO THE FEALTY THING
and Tristram is like ok
and he goes to cornwall

so he gets to cornwall
and he is like hey dude got any fealty?
and King Mark is like sorry nephew
i am kinda using it all on this asshole king ANGUISH OF IRELAND
is becoming an evil king kind of like becoming a pope
where they give you an all-new totally sweetradical name when you get kinged?
I think it is
but yeah basically king Anguish of Ireland keeps threatening Mark
with this huge giant he has called the Morholt
and basically Anguish is just like hand over all your bitches and riches
or else morholt will come and fuck them
also probably most of your farm animals
and your palace walls for good measure
so Tristram is like alright dude
how about I just go kill the Morholt in single combat
and Mark is like are you a fucking idiot
and Tristram is like YUP

so he challenges the Morholt to single combat on an island
and when he arrives at the island he sets his boat on fire
because he is like ONLY ONE OF US WILL LEAVE ALIVE
and then the morholt immediately starts trying to chop off pieces of him
but sir tristram just proceeds to steadily ruin him
by repeatedly chopping off whatever part of him is closest to the ground
until he is dead
like those cactuses in mario
and Tristram is pretty fucking wounded at this point
so he climbs into the Morholt’s boat
and he just drifts to Ireland
where he gets picked up by this good witch called Brangwain
who is like oh snap a hot knight
lemme bring him to my mistress and WE CAN REBUILD HIM

AND THEY DO
also
Brangwain’s mistress?
her name is LA BELLE ISOLD
SERIOUSLY GUYS
“PRETTY”
IS RIGHT IN HER FUCKING NAME
JUST LIKE “HORRIBLE SADNESS” IS RIGHT IN TRISTRAM’S NAME
THEY ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER
and in fact that is exactly what they discover
while Isold is nursing tristram back to health
they sing to each other all the time and it’s great
BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM
which is that La Belle Isold is King Anguish’s daughter
and the Morholt was king Anguish’s BRO
and Tristram killed the morholt SO HARD
that he left a big chunk of his sword in that motherfucker’s NECK
so when the morholt’s limbs all start washing up on shore
eventually king Anguish gets ahold of the swordchunk
and Isolde figures out that it belongs to tristram
and she is like OH YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH YOU KILLED MY UNCLE
and tristram is like fuck i gotta get out of here

so he goes back to cornwall and guess what emotion he is feeling
THAT’S RIGHT
SADNESS
and king mark is like chill out nephew
i have no idea why you are so sad
but here’s what i’m going to do
i’m going to marry king Anguish’s daughter
LA BELLE ISOLD
it’s a political thing and also i hear she’s pretty hot
why don’t you just go grab her for me and bring her back here
and Tristram is like BOO HOO BOO
but so he goes back to Ireland

so he gets there and is like don’t kill me for killing your bro please
and Anguish is like fuck it whatever
Mark wants to marry my daughter right?
let’s DO THIS
and Isold is like AAAAA WHY ARE YOU BACK I WANT TO KILL YOU
and Tristram is like I totally wanna bang you still dammit
and Isold is like hey Brangwain give me some poison
so i can kill tristram and me with it when we are on the boat back to Cornwall
and Braingwain is like how about instead i prank you
by making a love potion instead of the poison
and Isold is like OH MAN WHAT A GREAT IDEA BECAUSE NOW I AM IN LOVE WITH TRISTRAM
and Tristram also drinks the love potion and then they TOTALLY START MAKING OUT
and also singing to each other and do a bunch of pansy shit like that

so then they get back to Cornwall
and suddenly it is problem city
i mean actually it is still called Cornwall
but it is definitely a city full of problems
actually really mainly just one problem
which is that Mark is totally gonna marry Isold
but Isold wants to bone the shit out of Tristram
and also have nothing to do with Mark’s junk
but they get married anyway
except then on the wedding night
instead of doing the nuptial sex-joust with King Mark
Isolde drugs him with a potion that makes him pass out
and THINK he spent the whole night banging Isold
and then she stuffs him in a closet and tristram climbs in through the window
and they bonk til dawn

THIS GOES ON
FOR YEEEEEEEEARS
and the whole time there is this shitty fucking dwarf named Frocin
who is trying to prove to king mark that Tristram and Isolde are crotchmashin’
but it is a hilarious comedy of errors involving a lot of falling out of trees
and off of ladders
and trying to catch footprints in flour but then it rains
and the flour looks like birdshit instead of flour
but then they bake it into biscuits to prove that it was flour after all
but now they just have a bunch of biscuits that look like turds
so i’m not sure what that accomplished
just including it for the sake of completeness
ANYWAY
one time Mark ALMOST catches them doin’ it
but tristram gets away
but the bed is still warm
and Mark is like you know what
fuck this
FUCK this
I am going to employ some shady magical bullshit to figure all this out
ISOLD I AM SUBJECTING YOU TO THE TEST OF THE HOT METAL RODS

now the test of the hot metal rods is not as sexy as it sounds
basically what it is is they heat up some rebar in a fire
and then they ask you a question
and then you answer the question and you pick up the rods
and if you are lying your hands catch on fire
or i mean
also if you are not lying your hands catch on fire
it is a pretty foolproof test if what you are trying to do is prove someone is lying
but oh yeah also Tristram kind of has to run away from the castle
cause soldiers are looking for him and shit
but he doesn’t wanna miss isold’s hands gettin’ burnt
so he gets some shitty peasant clothes and puts them on over his armor
and he shows up to the burneytimes
and he sees isolde on the way there
about to have to cross a river
and in order to cross the river she would have to get her nice dress TOTALLY SOGGY
so he pops out of the woods like HERE MADAME LEMME CARRY YOU OVER THIS SHIT
and he does
and then she goes to get her hands burned
and the testing dudes are like HEY ISOLD
DID YOU FUCK AROUND ON YOUR HUSBAND
and Isolde is like I swear
the only dude besides King Mark who’s ever touched me
is that dude who just helped me across the river
and then she grabs the metal rods
and is TOTALLY PROTECTED BECAUSE SHE WAS TECHNICALLY NOT LYING
WAY TO GO METAL RODS
WAY TO FUCK UP ON A TECHNICALITY
at which point king mark is like aw honey
I’m so fucking apologetic about this shit
let’s go home and have us a FEAST
and someone find tristram and tell him i’m not trying to kill him anymore

so back at the castle Tristram goes to see Isold in her room
and they’re both like shit that was close huh
and then Isold is like let’s celebrate our narrow escape by BANGING RIGHT NOW
and then king Mark is like OH MAN I AM SO SORRY I DOUBTED MY WIFE
BETTER GO GIVE HER A BIG HUG
RIIIIIIGHT NOW
and so of course he walks in on tristram
doing the hokey pokey
with just his penis
and Mark’s wife
so he immediately starts CHOKING ON RAGEBILE
and tristram and Isold are like OOOOHHHHHHH FUCKKKKK
and they run away
and live in the forest
and Tristram gets all wounded by the fucking ARMY that Mark sends after them
and they have to live in a cave
which is full of a dragon
which tristram kills
and gets wounded some more in the process
and it sucks

but Isold decides to be a fucking badass
and makes a bow and hunts some animals
and makes blood soup and nurses Tristram back to health
at which point he makes a BETTER bow and kills MORE animals
and they start having a pretty legitimate happy existence up in here
and meanwhile King Mark kind of gives up trying to find them
but then one day he is chasing a boar or something
and he accidentally finds tristram and isold taking a nap in their cave
and he is like aw fuck
do i kill them?
i’d feel pretty shitty about it if I did
how about instead i just leave my sword right here and tiptoe back to my castle

so then Tristram wakes up
and he sees the sword and he is like FUCK BALLS
BETTER TAKE THIS SHIT BACK TO KING MARK AND SUBMIT MYSELF TO HIS MERCY
and Isold is like what why would you do that
we’ve got a good thing going here
and Tristram is like I CAN’T STAND BEING HAPPY
JESUS WOMAN WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME YET
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OR SOMETHING
so they go back to Cornwall
and Tristram is like yo dude i’m sorry i stole your wife
and King Mark is like it’s cool dude i’m not even gonna punish you
so uh
you have a couple options
you can leave with Isold again or you can just leave
and Tristram is like LEMME GO AHEAD AND PICK THE OPTION THAT WILL MAKE ME SADDER
and Isold is like fuck god dammit what shit cocks asshole fuck cocks cocks ass
and then tristram leaves and kills a fuckton of monsters and cries a lot

BUT THEN ONE DAY
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT
TRISTRAM KILLS A WHOLE BUNCH MORE DUDES
that isn’t the lucky part actually
honestly at this point in the story
it’s pretty much expected that Tristram will kill all the dudes
because like i said the only dude who is better than him is Lancelot
and Lancelot is busy concealing his penis in Guenivere so that fight isn’t happening
no no see the lucky part
is once Tristram has once again killed all the dudes
the king whose ass he just saved is like hey bro
do you wanna marry my sister
and he wheels out his sister who LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD ISOLD
and guys
guess what her name is
ISOLD OF THE WHITE HANDS
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SOMEONE WENT BACK IN TIME AND CLONED HER
AND THEN TELEPORTED HER TO THE PRESENT
MAYBE FUTURE TRISTRAM DID THIS IN AN ATTEMPT TO RECAPTURE HIS LOST YOUTH
IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF A MEGASWEET DOCTOR WHO/KING ARTHUR CROSSOVER FANFIC?
no no wait it’s just a coincidence sorry
but anyway Tristram is like shit yeah i’ll marry this chick
and they get hitched
but then i guess Tristram gets turned off
by the idea of banging a pubescent clone of the one and only love of his life
/if he got laid he wouldn’t be sad anymore and he can’t have that
so he goes a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR without banging this chick
who, let us remember, is ABNORMALLY HOT
even if she is jailbait
but anyway Isold of the White Hands’s brother
whose name is Kaherdin by the way
finds out about this and is like HOW DARE YOU NOT FUCK MY SISTER
NOW WE MUST KUNG FU FIGHT
BUT WITH SWORDS AND NO KUNG FU
and Tristram is like fuck it whatever
if that’s what you wanna do let’s do it
and then Kaherdin is like hold on how about we think about this for a second
WHAT
PEOPLE THINKING BEFORE MURDERING EACH OTHER
I THOUGHT I WAS READING SOME KING ARTHUR SHIT
NOT U.N. RESOLUTION #1401B
but yeah Kaherdin is like you’re not boning my sister
cuz you really wanna bone some other chick you can’t ever ever bone right?
and Tristram is like yup
and Kaherdin is like ok well let’s go see her and see if you still wanna bang her
so they go and they see her
and tristram still wants to bang her
and Kaherdin suddenly wants to bang Brangwain even though she is totally unhot
but when Kaherdin finds out tristram still wants to do Isold
(who looks old as shit now because sadness)
he’s like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
MY SISTER IS NUBILE AS FUCK
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE CRYPT KEEPER OVER THERE FOR
NOW WE MUST SERIOUSLY KUNG FU FIGHT
so they fight
and tristram doesn’t even try to defend himself
and then he gets mortally wounded

so Kaherdin is satisfied that he has defended his sister’s honor
but now he’s really bummed out that he has mortally wounded his best bro Tristram
so he is like DUDE DUDE
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO ASSIST YOU IN NOT DYING?
and Tristram is like yeah how about lemme see La Belle Isold
one more time before i die
i mean she actually healed me from mega illness before
so there is a legit reason for her to show up
also could you please drag me out onto the nearby cliffs
so i can watch for your ship to come back
and if you have La Belle Isold on board please put up a white flag
and if you do not please put up a black flag so i can waste no time killing myself
and Kaherdin is like NO PROBLEM DUDE

so Kaherdin goes back to Cornwall and gets Isold and Brangwain
and on the boat he is spitting MAD game at Brangwain and they totally hit it off
but meanwhile Isold of the White Hands is tending to Tristram’s wounds
and he is getting super delirious and he is like OH BTW
I ONLY MARRIED YOU CUZ YOU LOOK LIKE THIS CHICK ISOLD I LOVE WAY MORE THAN YOU
SHE IS ON HER WAY RIGHT NOW
I AM GOING BLIND FROM BLOOD LOSS COULD YOU PLEASE WATCH FOR THE BOAT
so obviously moody teenage Isold is not too pleased about this
and when Kaherdin’s boat finally shows up on the horizon
and Tristram is like WHAT COLOR IS THE SAIL WHAT COLOR IS IT HUH HUH
she is like
whatever color it is that means your fucking slut isn’t coming
uh i mean
black
and then Tristram’s heart FUCKING EXPLODES

so La Belle Isold gets off the boat
and sprints up onto the cliffs to where Tristram is at
just in time to see him spitting up blood and being as dead as possible
so of course then SHE dies
but it’s cool because then Brangwain and Kahardin get married
so at least SOMEONE is happy

so the moral of the story
is most people don’t even find ONE true love in their whole fucking lives
so if you get your true love handed to you on a silver platter
and then you elect to abandon her for abstract honor reasons
and then someone else hands you an EXACT DUPLICATE of your true love
no strings attached
and you proceed to alienate her by pining over the original version
WHO YOU ABANDONED
you deserve whatever happens

THE END

RedditStumbleUponShare

The Tuatha De Know How to Fight a Fucking War

I took that fucking banner ad of the top of the page
cuz it made it look like someone was shitting directly into my website
and i felt like a whore
but it’s okay
because towering obelisk of masculinity Guns “Huge Dick” Fistheart
has made me into a much classier kind of whore by commissioning this tale of violence
(oh also if anyone who reads this shit goes to either SDSU
or SAIC
let me know which school i should go to)

Okay so there’s these dudes called the Tuatha De
and they spend a lot of time on some islands around Ireland
learning all the magic and getting all the cool shit
like some spear and a bigass foodpot
and whatever other kind of mystical nonsense people used to fill their houses with
before televisions and parking tickets and toddlers
anyway they get their shit set up pretty legit-like
and they just show up in Ireland and fucking murder everyone and take over
but in the process their chillest dude
whose name is Nuadu
gets his hand cut off
I mean it’s okay though
actually BETTER than ok
because they have some medical wizard named Dian Cecht
who just makes him a brand new hand out of FUCKING SILVER
and it works like a real live robot hand
totally ripping off Army of Darkness but that’s ok
but then Dian Cecht’s son doesn’t think a sweet robot hand is good enough
and starts trying to heal Nuadu’s old hand
and so his dad is like FUCK YOU SON
and hits him in the head with a sword
and his son heals himself
so Dian Cecht hits him HARDER
and this KEEPS HAPPENING
until finally his son is dead
and a bunch of herbs grow on his grave
but Dian Cecht mixes them all up so no one knows what the fuck any of them do
DIAN CECHT IS THE MOST SPITEFUL FUCKING DOCTOR I HAVE EVER HEARD OF

but so apparently getting one of your hands chopped off
makes you ineligible to be king
even if you have a totally sweet robo hand to replace your missing hand with
so they’re like fuck
Nuadu can’t be king
what do we do
oh i know
let’s just get this stupidass pretty-boy son of the king of a rival nation
to be our king
this could not possibly be disastrous
this kid’s name is Bres
which is just one or two or three letters from being Breasts
and let me tell you
that is the only good thing about this guy

BUT HOLD ON LEMME EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT BORN CAUSE IT’S PRETTY FUNNY
basically the chick who would one day become his mom is sitting in her castle
and she looks out at the ocean and she sees a ship or something
only then she looks closer and it is actually just some DUDE
coming across the water like YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
totally blinged right the fuck out
and he charges right up to this chick and she is like what do you want
and he is like TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
and then they bang
and he gives her a ring
i guess as payment?
and then he leaves and she has this kid
and that dude is the king of the Fomoire
which is that rival kingdom that is gonna cause all the problems in this story

so anyway Bres becomes king
and he is a shitty king
no one likes him and he sucks real bad

BUT HOLD ON
LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS OTHER DUDE DAGDA REAL QUICK
BECAUSE THIS TALE I AM TELLING IS RIDDLED WITH FUCKING TANGENTS
okay so basically Dagda is some righteous badass who works for Bres initially
and he works with some shitty hack writer who has a mouth in the middle of his chest
and every day that asshole is like HEY DAGDA GIMME YOUR THREE BEST PIECES OF FOOD
and Dagda is basically starving to death because
LIKE AN IDIOT
he keeps giving the dude his food
so finally some other dude comes up to him and is like dude
just fucking put some gold coins in your food
and then that will be the best food
and then that asshole will choke on the coins and die
and for some reason that makes murder legal
AND IT WORKS
AND ACTUALLY DAGDA EVEN GETS A PRETTY SWEET COW OUT OF THE DEAL
ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY

so all the Tuatha De motherfuckers finally go to Bres and they’re like dude
you’re a shitty king
you’re basically starving the fuck out of us
and like
generally being a twat
how about step the fuck off the throne
and Bres is like ok that’s fair
but can i be king for seven more years first?
and the dudes are like sure whatever we’re not in any hurry

EXCEPT THE PROBLEM IS
BRES INTENDS TO USE THESE SEVEN YEARS TO GATHER A HUGE FUCKING ARMY
SO HE CAN KEEP BEING KING INDEFINITELY
so he goes to his mom and he’s like mom
when dad charged across the ocean to fuck the shit out of you all those years ago
which direction did he come from
and his mom is like THAT WAY
so Bres goes and hits up the kingdom of the Fomoires
and he’s like hey dad i got kicked out of that kingdom i was king of
and his dad is like what do you want me to do about it
and Bres is like lemme use your army to take it back
and his dad is like dude if you can’t fucking rule the kingdom then why should i
but honestly I’ve got nothing better to do so sure
here’s a bunch of champions
please be as irresponsible as possible

so meanwhile the Tuatha De back in Ireland are like FUUUUUUCK
why did we let this little shit be king for seven more years
that was seriously poor foresight on our part
but it’s cool because suddenly some hero shows up at their castle
(by the way Nuadu gets to be king now finally
I guess because after years of really shitty corrupt rulership
suddenly having a sweet-ass cyborg president doesn’t seem so bad
and yeah i know he’s a king not a president
but say cyborg president to yourself a few times out loud
and i think you will agree
it is a mega sweet thing to say)
anyway this hero is called Lug
I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be Lugh the long-handed
but i am frankly too lazy to check
regardless he is a pretty legit individual
because see he shows up at the gate
and the gatekeeper is like YOU CAN’T COME IN UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROFESSION
and Lug is like well i’m a builder
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BUILDER
so Lug is like I’M A BLACKSMITH
and the gatekeeper is like WE HAVE A BLACKSMITH
and Lug is like CARPENTER
and the gatekeeper is like WE GOT ONE
CHAMPION
WE GOT ONE
WARRIOR
WE GOT ONE
SORCEROR
WE GOT ONE
DOCTOR?
WE GOT ONE AND HE IS INCREDIBLY SPITEFUL
and Lug is like ok fine
but do you have a dude who is ALL OF THESE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the gatekeeper is like fuck i guess not
come in
and then Lug comes in and Nuadu is like fuck
dude you have so many professions
i think you should be king instead of me
so now suddenly Lug is king

so then they gather a whole bunch of druids and shit together
to talk about how they are going to deal with Bres’s jackassery
and they spend like THREE YEARS talking about this
and finally they are like ok here’s what we’re going to do:
we are going to use magic to completely fuck them over
like they won’t be able to find water and shit
it’s gonna be great
not sure why it took us three years to come up with USE MAGIC TO WIN
but it did and we aren’t getting that time back so we might as well deal with it

MEANWHILE DAGDA IS OFF DOING WEIRD FOOD SHIT AGAIN
see they send him to go say what’s up to the Fomoires
and on the way he plays hide the sausage with the Morrigan up on top of some mountain
where she is bathing
honestly the Morrigan sounds super hot
but i would not want to bang her
because like my grandfather always used to say
never stick your dick in crazy
anyway Dagda goes to the Fomoires and he’s like hey dudes
lemme just chill with you for a bit and maybe don’t kill me?
and they’re like sure
but you have to eat a massive pot of your FAVORITE FOOD
(porridge)
we are going to make it all and then pour it in a ditch
and if you don’t eat all of it we will kill you
and so Dagda busts out his special porridge ladel
which is like as big as my nuts
which are huge
and he eats ALL OF THAT FUCKING PORRIDGE
and then passes out on the ground
and everyone laughs at him and uploads a bunch of compromising photos to facebook
and then he wakes up and he’s like fuck this i’m going home
but he looks like a fucking idiot because his belly is sticking out of his shirt
and so is his ass
but in the other direction
and his massive dong is dragging on the ground
I’m not making this up this is how the story goes
anyway suddenly some chick ambushes him and beats the shit out of him
literally she beats the shit out of him
like she manhandles him so hard he shits himself
and he is lying in a pool o’ poop and he is like what the fuck
i really want to bang you but i am impotent because of how much food i just ate
and she is like NO TIME FOR THAT
CARRY ME HOME ON YOUR BACK FOR SOME REASON
and he is like ok just lemme finish shitting
and then he does and she gets on his back
and she makes a mistake and her pubes start poking out
which just instantly leads to her and Dagda having sex
and then she’s like hey Dagda
you know that war you’re about to fight in
don’t do it
I will turn into rocks and trees and shit to prevent you from doing it
and Dagda is like bitch don’t tell me to not fight wars
i am going to make a point of ruining every rock and tree i come across now
in case one of them is you
WHAT A LOVELY ANECDOTE

so meanwhile war is about to happen
and Lug is being the battle commander dude
and he is asking everyone how they plan to win the battle
and basically the answer is
WE ARE GOING TO USE A BUNCH OF REALLY UNFAIR MAGIC
like seriously after I was done reading all the fucking magic they planned to do
i was like why not just end the story here
i mean how is Formoire supposed to win when fire is raining from the sky
and they can’t find water
and the ground is turning into zombies
and no one they kill even fucking dies?
that’s BLATANTLY UNFAIR
WHAT THE FUCK TUATHA DE
WAY TO RUIN THE SUSPENSE

but anyway yeah the battle starts
and Nuadu doesn’t want Lug to go into battle
because Lug has WAY TOO MANY TALENTS
but Lug is like fuck that and goes battling anyway
and meanwhile spiteful asshole extraoidinaire Dian Cecht and his medical wizard pals
are chucking wounded dudes into this big well they found
and healing all of them
and also the blacksmith and the carpenter and stuff are making like
a million spears a minute
so Formoire sends a spy to go into the Tuatha De camp
and ask their super expert blacksmith for a spear
and then use the spear to kill the blacksmith
but then they just chuck the blacksmith in the well and he gets healed
so then Formoire decides to just fill up the well with rocks
and for some reason they are totally successful in doing this
AND THEN THE REAL BATTLE BEGINS

so everyone is murdering each other SO HARD
like seriously a benny hill style massacre
dudes all slipping in profusions of blood
cartoon sound effects as motherfuckers rip each others hearts out with their teeth
it’s very heartwarming
but the Formoires have a secret weapon
which is this dude Balor
whose eyeball fell into a vat of evil contact lens fumes and turned into medusa
and in order to open it he has to lift this bigass gold ring
he’s a giant by the way i think
or at least he has a giant eye
maybe he just has like a wheelbarrow for his distended eye
that would be cool/horrible
but anyway right as he’s about to unleash his wretched eyebeams
Lug rolls up and just chucks a spear at him so hard
it catapults his eyeball out the back of his head
and paralyzes Balor’s entire army instead
at which point there’s some poet on Balor’s side who is just like OK OK
WHO KILLED BALOR
and Lug is like ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S WHO
and the poet is like ALRIGHT
WELL
LET’S YELL BATTLE STATISTICS AT EACH OTHER
and Lug is like OK COOL
so they start yelling about how many people were killed
but not in a straightforward way
they do it with COMPLICATED ARITHMETICAL EQUATIONS
WHICH I WAS TOO TIRED TO CALCULATE
SO HERE’S HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED ACCORDING TO THIS FUCKING LEGEND:
3+ 3 x 20 + 50 x 100 + 20 x 100 + 3 x 50 + 9 x 5 + 4 x 20 x 1000 + 8 + 8 x 20 + 7
+ 4 x 20 + 6 + 4 x 20 + 5 + 8 x 20 + 2 + 40 noblemen
PLUS
7 + 7 x 20 x 20 x 100 x 100 + 90 POOR PEOPLE NO ONE CARES ABOUT
WHO COUNTS CASUALTIES THIS WAY?
THE FUCKING MATHEMAGICIAN
THAT’S WHO
AND I DON’T THINK HE EXISTED IN ANCIENT IRELAND
THEY HAD WAY BETTER WIZARDS
LIKE THE WIZARDS THAT SET YOU ON FIRE
AND THE WIZARDS THAT TURN YOU INTO A CYBORG AND THEN DECAPITATE THEIR SONS

anyway yeah then the morrigan shows up for the fleshreaping
and she starts going on and on about how the future is really fucking bleak
and then i guess everyone kind of gets bored of listening to her talk
and wanders away
because that’s where the story ends
so that’s a great note to end on

so I guess the moral of the story
is fuck bitches
get wizards

THE END

RedditStumbleUponShare

Everyone in Ireland is a Dick

First off lemme just give a fearful gibbering shoutout
to tech-savvy ogrebeast Marrowcrusher MacDredd
for funding my porn addiction by commissioning this myth about some assholes

LET THE ASSHOLES BEGIN

so there’s this dude Lugh the Long-handed right
i think i mentioned him before
but what i still don’t understand
is why he is called the long-handed
is that a desirable trait?
i mean i could see wanting to have long arms
like if you are the law or an octopus or whatever
but long hands?
it just seems like you would need special forks
BUT LOOK THAT ISN’T THE POINT

the point is one day Lugh is riding around on his horse trying to save some dude
or rather some dude’s possessions
the dude’s name is Bodb Dearg
maybe it is actually a city and not a dude
probably it is a city
but who gives a shit
anyway the dudes that stole it are called Fomor
who the fuck comes up with all these names
why don’t we just call them what they are
the assholes and some other assholes
anyway Lugh is riding after the assholes to get the other assholes’ shit back
and he runs into his dad and his dad’s two brothers
his dad’s name is Caitn and the other two dudes are totally irrelevant
and they are like sup Lugh whatcha doin
and Lugh is like trying to get some shit back
and they are like oh sweet can we help
and he’s like yeah
can you gather some more assholes to help me with this shit
and they are like YESSS
so Lugh keeps riding after the other assholes
and these assholes split up to try and find as many other assholes as they can

So Cainte ends up going north
and running into these three HUGE assholes
the three sons of Tuireann
who hate the SHIT out of Cainte and his brothers
and Cainte is like fuck this i better hide
so he takes out his druid stick
which is basically like the sonic screwdriver of ancient ireland
and he hits himself in the face with it and turns into a pig and goes and hides with some other pigs
at which point the sons of Tuireann are like hey
did you see some jackass turn himself into a pig just now?
yeah
he’s probably up to no good
let’s stab him
so they do
and then Cainte turns into a dude again and is like any chance of not killing me?
and they are all like NOPE
and in fact then they kill him by throwing rocks at him
also this pisses off nature so much that they have to bury him SEVEN TIMES
before the ground stops shitting him back out
SO THAT’S FUN

meanwhile Lugh catches up with the Fomor dudes
and he is like hey wanna give all of Bodb Dearg’s shit back
and they are like nope
and Lugh is like ok cool have it your way
and he waits 3 days for all the other assholes to show up
and then they just straight wreck the shit out of Fomor
to the point where some important Fomor dudes are like hey Lugh
if you let us go now
we promise to come back later and attack you again
this time with ALL OUR GUYS
and Lugh is like DEAL
SERIOUSLY
THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE SORT OF DEALS YOU SHOULD MAKE GUYS

so then the battle is over and Lugh is like oh man i feel great
i would love nothing more than to give my loving father a great big hug
where is he by the way
DEAD YOU SAY?
UNACCEPTABLE
WHO DID THIS
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE HIS MORTAL ENEMIES THE SONS OF TUIREANN?
OF COURSE IT IS
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE THE EARTH STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME THAT SHIT

so everyone is getting shitfaced and partying and junk
and Lugh calls them all together like dudes
my father is dead
how many people think that is shitty
and everyone raises their hands
including the Tuireann jackasses
and Lugh is like how many people agree
that I should murder the shit out of the dudes that murdered my dad
and again everyone raises their hands
and Lugh is like ok who did it
it’s ok you can tell me
and the Tuireann guys are like fuck fine
it was us
and Lugh is like oh ok sweet
so how about instead of killing you i just ask you to run a couple errands for me
i have kinda been meaning to go grocery shopping but i got distracted by wars
so if you could just get me like
three apples
and a spear
and a pig skin
and a chariot and a couple horses
and seven pigs
and a puppy
and a roasting spit
and three shouts on a hill
i think we can call it even
sound good?
and the sons of Tuireann are like that sounds TOO GOOD
and Lugh is like PROMISE YOU’LL DO IT
and they’re like fine
we promise
and Lugh is like HAHAHAHA ASSHOLES
EAT FINE PRINT
THOSE APPLES I WANT?
BASICALLY THE GOLDEN APPLES OF THE HESPERIDES
AND THE PIG SKIN IS MAGIC OBVIOUSLY
AND THE SPEAR IS ON FIRE CONSTANTLY
AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE CHARIOT AND THE HORSES AND THE PIGS AND THE DOG
ALSO THE SPIT IS OWNED BY A FUCKTON OF WITCHES
oh and ps you have to go shout on top of this specific hill
that is guarded by some big jerks who trained my dad
who you killed remember
and who are sworn to prevent people from shouting on top of that hill
so that won’t be easy either
and the Tuireann dudes are like WELP
GUESS WE MIGHT AS WELL START GETTING FUCKED OVER IMMEDIATELY
so they get the fuck out of ireland to find all of this stupid crap

so the first stop is that apples place
they show up there and there are all these knights and giants guarding it
and two of the dudes
who have names with too many letters
are like LET’S JUST CHARGE THEM AND GET KILLED
but the third one
whose name is Brian
is like no idiots
let’s just use our druid sticks
come on
everyone has these
why are they not part of your problem solving protocol
so they use their druid sticks and BAM they are birds
they swoop in and steal apples
and then some ospreys or something start chasing them with lightning
but it’s ok because they turn into swans
PERFECT

so next they gotta go to some king and steal his magic healing pigskin
so they decide to pose as poets
here is the problem
they are shitty poets
except for Brian but he’s pretty competent at everything
anyway they show up at the king’s place and they are like WE ARE POETS
and the king is like AWESOME I WAS JUST WISHING I HAD SOME POETS
COME IN EAT MY FOOD DRINK MY DRINK
so they go inside and immediately start getting smashed
and the king is like hey
recite some poems
and Brian’s brothers are like durr uhh
and Brian is like fine i got this
ahem:

YO YO YO YO YO
I HEAR YOU GOT A PIGSKIN
GIMME DAT PIGSKIN

and the king is like excellent poem
what is it about
and Brian is like it is about that pigskin you have
and how you should give it to me
and the king is like i’m sorry dude
that poem was really great but i don’t give that pigskin to anybody
how about instead I fill the pigskin with gold THREE TIMES
and give you all that gold
JESUS CHRIST GUYS
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN SHITTY POETRY WAS THIS LUCRATIVE?
LIKE YOU COULD JUST STROLL INTO SOMEONE’S ABODE AND BE LIKE
HEY HEY HEY
GIMME ALL YOUR SWAG
AND BAM
INSTANT RICHES?!
BRB GUYS GONNA GO LIVE IN THE MIDDLE AGES REAL QUICK
so anyway Brian is like sure works for me
except then when they bring out the pigskin for to measure shit
he and his brothers just kill everyone and steal it
EXCELLENT WORK GUYS

so next stop is speartowne
somewhere in persia
they’re like well hey
the poet thing worked once before
let’s try that again
so they show up as poets
and Brian is like hey king
i wrote you a poem
ahem:

BOY DO I LIKE SPEARS
I HEARD YOU MIGHT HAVE A SPEAR
HAND THAT SHIT OVER
(this is my contribution to national poetry month)

but the king is like not so fast son
you can’t just prance in here with your fancy hair ribbons and your silver tongue
and expect me to start bathing you in bitches and riches
get the fuck out of my house
and Brian is like woops
plan B
MURDER YOU WITH THE APPLE I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND
and then between the three of them they kill everyone in court
and steal the spear
which has to be constantly kept in water so it doesn’t burn the house down
SUCCESS

next up: get some fucking horses and a chariot to strap them to
they decide to slightly alter they MO for this one
and pretend to be soldiers instead of poets
so really not so much pretending
as just showing up like sup
we are soldiers
can we work for you
and the king is like SURE AWESOME
but the Tuireann bros work there for like a MONTH
and they never even catch a GLIMPSE of a chariot
so finally they are like fuck this we’re leaving
as a result of your failure to produce horses
and the king is like whoa guys
why didn’t you just ask to see the horses?
i show those fuckers to anyone who expresses even the remotest interest
and I like you guys
everyone here likes and trusts you guys
here is the chariot and here are the horses
at which point Brian and co murder everyone and take the loot
THE SONS OF TUIREANN:
PERHAPS NOT THE MOST COURTEOUS GUESTS

so at this point word has kind of gotten around
that these dudes keep showing up and ruining kingdoms
so when they show up as this dude Easal’s palace
like hey we are warriors/poets here to kill/serenade you
Easal is like OK GUYS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT JUST TAKE IT
and they are like we just want 7 magic pigs
and Easal is like WHATEVER GUYS
THEY’RE JUST SOME FUCKING MAGIC PIGS
NOT WORTH GETTING MURDERED OVER
and the Tuireann guys are like wow
we just accomplished something and we didn’t even have to kill ANYONE
this feels weird

so they feast a bunch and then the next day they are like WELP
off to go steal the ultimate puppy from some other king
and Easal is like oh shit my daughter is MARRIED to that other king
bring me with you so i can talk him out of getting murdered by you
and Brian is like sounds good
so they all get on a boat together and go to wherever this nonsense is happening
and Easal goes up to the king like dude
you have two options here
get murdered
or give them a fucking DOG
be smart about this
and the king is like NOPE
so then there’s a huge battle
only instead of killing the king Brian just ties him up and waves him around
like a screaming white flag of emasculation
and then they get the dog

so Lugh has been using his long-hand size druidic crystal ball
to spy on these dudes this whole time
wicked witch of the west style
and he is like oh look
they just got all the things that I actually WANTED
lemme just go ahead and cast a spell that makes them forget all the other shit
before they fuck something up and die too early
so Brian and friends are suddenly like oh man we’re done
let’s go home
and they go home
and Lugh is kind of avoiding them for some reason
like he goes to this city called Teamhair
which makes me think of a game of shirts versus skins basketball
except instead of team shirts and team skins
it is Team Hair and Team Nohair
oh god that just turned so creepy in my head

anyway the finally track Lugh down and they’re like hey
dude
we got your shit for you
and Lugh is like THAT’S ONLY LIKE HALF OF MY SHIT
WHERE’S THE SUPERFLUOUS ROASTING SPIT
ALSO I DON’T HEAR ANYONE SHOUTING ON TOP OF ANY FUCKING HILLS
and the sons of Tuireann are like OH FUCK
HOW DID WE FORGET ABOUT THOSE THINGS
let’s go get them

so first they go get that roasting spit
but the problem is that it’s on an island and NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THE ISLAND IS
they have to look for it for like 3 fucking months
and finally Brian gets fed up and dives into the water to go find it by swimming
seriously i’m not just having Brian do everything because i like typing his name
his brothers are fucking worthless
they are pretty much either killing people
or sitting around choking on their own fucking saliva
anyway Brian finds the island
with all the chicks on it
and he sees the roasting spit
and he’s just like fuck it
how about i just take it
so he picks it up and starts walking away
but the chicks are just like HAHA FAT CHANCE
THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION OF US AND WE’RE MAGIC OR SOMETHING
BUT WE ADMIRE YOUR RETARDED AUDACITY SO YOU KNOW WHAT
JUST TAKE IT
WHATEVER
so DING DING DING another task solved thanks to GUMPTION

now there is only one thing left
and that is to go shout on a hill
so they land their boat next to the hill
and some dude comes running down the hill
like YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO SHOUT ON THIS HILL
and brian is like YOU BETTER NOT GET STABBED BY MY SWORD
but he is actually using reverse psychology
because then he stabs the shit out of that dude
BUT OH NO
HERE COME THREE MORE DUDES
SO NOW EVERYONE HAS TO FIGHT
and so all six dudes who are involved in this bloodfest get stabbed with spears
and the Tuireann bros win obviously
but not before getting mortally wounded
so they’re all lying at the base of the hill
and Brian is like COME ON GUYS
WE GOTTA GO SHOUT ON TOP OF THIS HILL
and the other two are like sorry dude
too busy dying
and Brian is like FUCK THAT
and picks everyone up
and they do a mortally wounded three-legged deathrace to the top of the hill
where they shout three times
and then fall down and roll back to their boat

so shit looks pretty grim
but remember how they got that magic pigskin that heals all wounds earlier?
so Brian gets the bright idea to go ask Lugh if they can use that for a second
and they sail back to Teamhair
and one of Brian’s brothers goes in
and asks Lugh if they can borrow the pigskin real quick
and Lugh is like NOPE
and Brian hears this and is like fuuuuck
here
carry me in there
see if I can convince him
i’m the one that actually does things
and he goes in there and is like Lugh
seriously
we got all your stupid shit
it would literally cost you nothing to save our lives right now
and Lugh is like hold on i’m getting another call
oh it’s my dad
I’m sorry dad what’s that you say
it’s hard to hear you because BRIAN AND HIS SHITTY BROTHERS FUCKING MURDERED YOU
and Brian is like fine ok i get it
and then he and his brothers die
and they are buried together

so yeah
the sons of Tuireann were assholes
but in the end
it was Lugh who was the real asshole
which just goes to show
that when you are surrounded on all sides by assholes
sometimes the biggest asshole
was inside you all along

THE END

RedditStumbleUponShare

Another great opportunity to waste your money!

[all you cool people coming over here from the Huffington post article
you should definitely scroll down below this post and read some sweet myths
instead of this moneygrubbing nonsense]

So remember like a thousand or so years ago
when i said I was gonna be making THREE DIFFERENT KINDS OF SHIRTS
but then I only made two?
WELL I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THE THIRD ONE THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME
or more accurately
my supertalented art monkey Sarah Melville (buy her book)
has been working on the third shirt this whole fucking time
BUT HERE IS THE CATCH MY FRIENDS
I really really want to screenprint this shirt
both because it will look mega sweet and because it’s easier for me
but i need to know that a bunch of people are getting the shirt before i do that
so HERE IS HOW WE ARE DOING THIS
if FORTY OR MORE PEOPLE order this shirt before April 20th
then it is going to be silk-screened
otherwise i am going to make stencils and use spraypaint like i do with the others
BUT WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES OF PREORDERING A SHIRT?
well first of all, here is what the stencil version will look like
as opposed to the silkscreened version:

second of all, anyone who preorders gets a personalized thankyou note from me
guaranteed to charm your pants off
and third of all
since i can give the silkscreeners whatever shirts i feel like giving them
preorderers can pick whatever shirt color they want
(as long as black will show up on it)
so come on guys
help me make bombness happen
go to this page and funnel money into it

RedditStumbleUponShare

Sir Gawain Gets Married?!

Alright
everybody stop what you’re doing
and congratulate helpful robot Andrew and cyborg bride-to-be Jessica
on their sweet-ass engagement
OH SHIT WAIT NO DON’T STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING KEEP READING KEEP READING
because graverobbing action hero Maxx Moribund payed me INTERNET CASH DOLLARS
to serenade you fuckers with a sweet myth about gettin’ married
in honor of this momentous occasion
and i had to search my fucking ASS OFF to find one where everybody doesn’t get killed
or like exiled or raped or their eyes get cut out or whatever
and I’ve already done Atalanta
so i had to break my moratorium on Arthurian nonsense
to tell you THIS THING:

okay so Sir Gawain right
everyone knows he is the ultimate ladies’ man
this is a dude who wakes up every morning
and rolls out of bed INTO A THREESOME
A TWO CHICK THREESOME MY FRIENDS
BECAUSE GAWAIN IS 100% SUPER HETEROSEXUAL
THIS IS CANON
but in this story
Sir Gawain gets married?
RECORD SCRATCH
WHAT?!
ok hold your incredulity horses my friends
i will explain

okay so Arthur right
he is rolling around England with all his dudes
fucking up bad guys and whatever
when all of a sudden they run into this huge asshole
i forget his name i think he’s a baron or something
whatever it doesn’t matter
this dude is like OY
ARTHUR
FIGHT ME
and arthur is like sure ok
lemme just draw my swordOH SHIT WHERE’S MY SWORD
and the huge asshole is like HAHA BITCH I STOLE IT EARLIER
NOW I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU WITH IT
and arthur is like aw balls
being alive has been pretty sweet for me
i am kind of reluctant to stop doing that
and asshole mcshittyknight is like WELL ALRIGHT
HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO EMBARASS YOURSELF
BEFORE I INEVITABLY KILL YOU
HERE IS HOW WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS
YOU HAVE ONE YEAR TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
AND IF YOU CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT
I WILL KILL YOU WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING SWORD
ladies
be honest now
is this not objectively better
than the plot of EVERY CHICK FLICK EVER
cast John Cusack in that motherfucker
INSTANT BOX OFFICE GOLD

so Arthur is like aw fuck
I can’t even find the clitoris
how am i going to find out what women want
at which point Gawain is like AHEM
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND A HOOHA
COME ON UNCLE
LET’S SET SAIL ON THIS VAGINAL VOYAGE
YOU CAN BE THE CAPTAIN
I WILL BE YOUR POON SEXTANT
(all in favor of replacing “wingman” with “poon sextant” say aye)

so Arthur and Gawain go off trying to figure out what women want
and they are having NO LUCK WHATSOEVER
or actually
they are having WAY TOO MUCH LUCK
because everyone has a different fucking idea of what women want
even women
which explains a lot honestly
some people are like MONEY
and some people are like BIG MUSCLES
and some people are like SEXYTIMES
and some people are like COMPLIMENTS
or maybe FLOWERS
or TONS OF HUSBANDS
or A JETPACK
oh wait no
fuck
that’s me
I want a jetpack
man if i could find a woman with a jetpack
i mean
that would be one-stop shopping right there

anyway they spend a WHOLE YEAR on this nonsense
and they have a bigass stack of things women want
all of which are TOTALLY UNSATISFACTORY
and they’re on their way back to where that asshole lives
to get murdered
WHY DO THESE GUYS ALWAYS OBEDIENTLY RETURN TO THE DUDES WHO WANNA MURDER THEM
THAT’S LIKE IF SOMEONE CAME UP TO YOU IN THE STREET AND WAS LIKE
HEY
COME OVER TO MY HOUSE SOME TIME
I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE SPINE AND THEN YOU HAVE TO PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS
AND YOU WERE LIKE OHHHHH SHITTTTT
GUESS I GOTTA GO DO THAT NOW

but anyway yeah they’re on their way back to get killed
and suddenly some ugly chick jumps out of the bushes like BOO
and holy shit
this is the chick
that the ugly stick got beaten with
seriously it looks like her facial anatomy just decided to call in sick
but then the manager got pissed off and dragged it into work anyway
but it wasn’t kidding
it was actually sick
and then it vomited all over the place out of spite
like she’s got an eyeball up on her forehead kind of doing its own thing
and her mouth is like a twizzler of hatred
and her nose is pretty much like what would happen
if pinnochio crossbred with an accordion
I’M CALLING RULE 34 ON THAT SHIT
anyway this bitch is basically ruining everything with her face
like birds are dropping out of the sky and chipmunks are crying
and arthur and Gawain’s dicks straight up retract into their lungs
and the chick is like hey guys whats up
and arthur is like uh
not much
just on our way to get killed
and the chick is like oh shit well
i can help you with that
because see
i know the answer to that riddle the dude asked you
and arthur is like GAWAIN WILL TOTALLY MARRY YOU IF YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER
and the chick is like ok sounds good
and she writes down the answer for him
and then she’s like see you later handsome
and Gawain vomits a little

so the ugly chick leaves
and Gawain turns to Arthur like
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Arthur is like chill out
you don’t have to actually marry her
she already gave me the answer to the riddle
it’s not like we live by a strict code of honor or anything
oh wait
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
oh well at least it’s not me that has to marry her

so they go meet that huge asshole who caused all these problems
and he is like OK WHAT DO WOMEN WANT
and Arthur is like well
women want to be allowed to make their own decisions
which is actually a pretty enlightened fucking answer
and the asshole knight is like AAAA FUCK YOU
YOU TOTALLY RAN INTO MY SISTER DIDN’T YOU
THAT UGLY CHICK IS MY SISTER
GOD DAMMIT I’M GONNA SET THAT BITCH ON FIRE
and then he gallops away to do more shitty awful things

so the day is saved!
yay!
but wait
Gawain still has to marry that gross puddle of hideous
and sir Kay
who is always looking for an opportunity
to talk shit about people who are better than him
is like DAG YO I WOULD NOT MARRY THAT CHICK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
and Gawain is like listen
i am a guy who only accepts shitty propositions
i have a reputation to uphold
MARRIAGE AHOY

so he marries this chick
trying not to touch or look at or smell her the entire time
and then they retire to some sexy private chambers
to do the marital lap-slap
and Gawain is like oh man i’m going to vomit i can’t do this
and the chick is like well if you’re going to vomit
at least do it while kissing me
and he kisses her and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
SUDDENLY SHE IS A HOT CHICK
and Gawain is like um?
and this chick
(whose name is Lady Ragnell)
is like ok well i mean you should have seen this coming dude
come you get magically pranked so fucking often it’s obscene
but yeah basically i had an evil stepmom and blah blah blah
BUT THERE IS A CATCH
i’m not gonna be this fine piece of ass at all times
you gotta pick whether i’m gonna look like this during the day or at night
and Gawain is like SWEATY CRUSTY BALLS
if I have her be hot at night
then we can bang like crazy
but then during the day I can’t take her ANYWHERE
i’m gonna be so unpopular
but if I make her be hot during the day
i might as well stick my dick in a fucking trash compactor
aaaa i can’t make this decision
hey hot chick
how about YOU decide
I trust your sexy lady judgement
and Lady Ragnell is like YOU JUST SAID THE MAGIC WORDS
ALL WOMEN WANT IS TO BE GIVEN THEIR WILL
PLEASE TO ENJOY PERMANENT HOTNESS STARTING NOW
and then Gawain suddenly has a really hot wife forever
and she also has lots of personality because she was ugly for so long
and basically it is great and everyone loves it
except for Sir Kay but fuck that guy

so Andrew
this story has a very important lesson in it especially for you
(this lesson is also for everyone else but don’t tell Andrew
I want him to feel special)
basically the moral of the story is
if your special lady presents you with a set of choices
and all of the choices are terrible for you
tell her to make the decision herself
she’ll love it
trust me

THE END

(seriously though congratulations.)

RedditStumbleUponShare

Maid Marian is a Murder Machine

Many thanks to marauding mancrusher Massacre McMurderstein
for monetarily mandating this majestic myth
MMMMLETS BEGIN

Okay so i’m pretty sure you guys know about Robin Hood right?
he’s that fox from that Disney movie about thieves
his best pal is an obese bear
you remember
good

wait shit okay actually apparently robin hood is not a sweet talking animal
turns out he is just some dude?
actually not just any dude
A MOTHERFUCKING EARL
and he is not just any motherfucking earl either
he is an earl who FUCKS OVER RICH DUDES
and then gives all their cash monies to the poor
HEY ROBIN HOOD
AREN’T YOU A RICH DUDE TOO?
ISN’T THERE SOME KIND OF A CONFLICT OF INTEREST GOING ON HERE?
but we’ll get to that later

right now what is important
is Robin Hood is boning the SHIT out of this chick Maid Marian
or Maid Marion i guess depending on who you ask
but shut the fuck up no one asked you
anyway yeah Robin and Miss Marian are doing it ALL the ways
like seriously in the ballad I just read
it is like
IN EVERY PLACE
THEY KINDLY EMBRACE
which is olde-timey codespeak for THEY PROBABLY FUCKED ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER
but then Robin Hood’s wealthy hypocrisy finally catches up with him
and he actually has to run away and be poor in the woods
leaving maid marian with no dude whose booty she can call upon

so Maid Marian is chilling out in her palace like FUCK
HOW AM I GOING TO FULFILLY MY DAILY DICK QUOTA NOW
NOT COOL
so she decides to go find Robin Hood and force him to restart the boner fiesta
WITH VIOLENCE IF NECESSARY
so to that end
Marian duct tapes her duckies down and puts on a page’s uniform
jacks a sword and a bow and some arrows and some landmines from the armory
and decides to just go wander around Sherwood forest til she finds robin hood
ARMED TO THE FUCKING TEETH

so Maid Marian is running around in the forest
and so is Robin Hood actually
because that is where he FUCKING LIVES
but i mean
he’s a goddamn fugitive
do you really think he’s going to walk around the woods
wearing a sign that says HEY DUDES I AM ROBIN HOOD WHATS UP
NO YOU IDIOT
HE IS GOING TO WALK AROUND WITH A FAKE MUSTACHE AND A BALD CAP OR SOMETHING
DOING A REALLY SHITTY FRENCH ACCENT AND AGRESSIVELY HAVING NO IDEA WHO ROBIN HOOD IS
so Maid Marian is walking around pretending to be a dude
and Robin Hood is walking around pretending to be an ignorant mustachioed frenchman
and pretty soon they bump into each other
and Maid Marian is like WHOA WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
and Robin Hood is like WHO THE FUCK IS ROBIN HOOD
and Maid Marian is like NOW WE MUST FIGHT
and Robin Hood is like HIYAAAAA BITCH
so they start trying to chop off each others’ body parts
and they wound each other pretty fucking bad
until Robin Hood is like WHOA
BRO
HOLD ON
how about instead of murdering me you come join my band of thieves?
and Maid Marian is like oh fuck
you’re robin hood aren’t you?
and Robin hood is like oh shit what happened did my mustache fall off?
and Maid Marian is like TAKE ME NOW
and then they bang so hard that all the woodland creatures catch on fire

so the moral of the story
is if your man leaves you
the most intelligent course of action
is to come after him with a sword
trust me you won’t regret this

THE END

RedditStumbleUponShare