Rapunzel’s Mom Sure Loves Lettuce

I AM OUT OF GREY SHIRTS GUYS
MAKING GREYISH BLUE ONES NOW BECAUSE I THINK THOSE ACTUALLY LOOK THE BEST
THE COLOR I AM REFERRING TO LOOKS LIKE THIS

THEN WHEN I RUN OUT OF THOSE I WILL PICK A NEW COLOR
I CALL THIS
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

okay so anyway there’s this pregnant chick

she’s wearing maternity clothes and getting odd cravings and whatnot
pretty standard pregnant shit
but this is a fairy tale so she also lives next door to a witch
and also this witch has a MEGA SWEET GARDEN
seriously there is a wicked hurricaine of like beets and tomatoes
sitting around being lush as shit up in this garden
but the lushest shit of all
is this patch of lettuce
but it is not just any lettuce my friends
it is some kind of crazy superlettuce called RAPUNZEL
now i know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking HOLY SHIT
ISN’T RAPUNZEL THE NAME OF A CHICK IN SOME FAIRYTALE?
WHAT A COINCIDENCE
you need to calm down my friend
you’re embarrassing yourself

but anyway this pregnant chick is staring out her window into the witch’s garden
and she starts coveting the SHIT out of that rapunzel over there
she’s like OH MAN I WANT SOME OF THAT SO BAD
I COULD LIKE
MASH IT UP IN A TUB OF BEN AND JERRIES ICE CREAM
THROW SOME BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES ON TOP OF THAT SHIT
BAM
FIVE STAR FUCKING CUISINE
i’m sorry if I seem like i am being really harsh on pregnant ladies
but the point I am TRYING to make
is that this particular pregnant lady is EXTREMELY UNREASONABLE
she is so extremely unreasonable
that when the rapunzel does not immediately teleport into her stomach
she decides that she is going to die
and so she just sits right down and starts dying
all sullen and shit
and then her husband walks in like WHOA STOP DYING AT ME WOMAN
and she’s all WAAAAH I WANT SOME SPECIAL LETTUCE OR I AM GOING TO SAD MYSELF TO DEATH
and the husband
who is as dumb as his wife is unreasonable
is like well I guess my only option here is to steal it from my neighbor
you know
THE FUCKING WITCH
not like there are lettuce stores or seeds I can plant or anything
no
this witch’s garden is the single source of rapunzel IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

so the husband goes ahead and jumps the witch’s fence
grabs a handful of lettuce
and jumps out
and he brings it to his wife who has all her salad shit READY AND WAITING
and she eats that shit up
and he’s like awesome now I can go to sleep
but NOPE
NOPE
WIFE WANT MORE RAPUNZEL
so he goes out to steal some more vegetables
but WHAT DO YOU KNOW
i guess the witch installed an alarm system or something
because when the dude shows up to get the lettuce she is all NOPE
and he is like come on my wife is being so unreasonable help a brother out
and she’s like ok you can have as much lettuce as you want
BUT I GET YOUR FIRSTBORN CHILD
and the husband is like SWEET
FEWER RESPONSIBILITIES
and the deal is sealed
and then later the wife gives birth to a baby
and the witch teleports into the room
all like THIS BABY IS NAMED RAPUNZEL NOW
YOINK
just like merlin in that other story

so then the witch does the sensible thing
which is put baby rapunzel in a tower
with no doors or stairs or anything
just a window like 20 stories up
which rapunzel is supposed to let her MASSIVE HAIR down out of
every time the witch wants to come up
which sounds kind of painful/repulsive
and also begs the question
how did she get up there in the first place?
clearly the witch can’t fly
or she wouldn’t be wasting her time CLIMBING SOME FUCKING HAIR
did she just like throw her really hard when she was a baby
or use one of those barrels from donkey kong or what?
i mean can’t she teleport?
didn’t we establish that?
why is she wasting her time with all this hair all over the place
hair is just a glorified bundle of problems
silky smooth problems

anyway one day the prince is walking all over the woods
what prince, you ask?
the fucking prince ok
every fairytale has one
if he is not mentioned directly then he is probably crouched in the bushes somewhere
bein’ princely
but yeah he’s princing around when he hears rapunzel singing some sweet tunes
and he is like OH MAN I LOVE SINGING
WHERE IS THE SOURCE OF THIS NOISE I WANT TO PUT MY DICK IN IT
and he finds this tower and he’s like aw fuck how am i supposed to get up there
if only there was one of those barrels from donkey kong
but then he hides behind a tree and the witch shows up
all like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR BRAIDS
OR I WILL GIVE YOU DOUBLE-AIDS
and she climbs up and probably molests her stepdaughter a bit
and then leaves
and the prince is like ohhhhhh
so he runs up to the tower like
RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR HAIR
I MUST ESCAPE AN ANGRY BEAR
and it’s like BOOM
AND SOME HAIR COMES OUT
and the prince climbs it all nimble and shit
and he gets up to the top and he’s like well hey
and Rapunzel is like what’s that
and the prince is like oh that’s my dong
and Rapunzel is like what’s it for
and the Prince is like it’s for sexing
and Rapunzel is like oh
uh
and the prince is like I CLIMBED YOUR HAIR WITH MY DICK IN MY HANDS
DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE HERE WITH A FOOT IN YOUR ASS
so they have sex and it’s great
and then the prince is like man
i would like to have this sex on a regular basis
how about we climb down your hair and you come back to my place
and rapunzel is like you are forgetting something
you are forgetting that the hair is attached to my head
how the fuck am i supposed to climb down
and the prince is like oh uh
i’ll bring you a ladder?

so the prince leaves
and the next day the witch shows up
all like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR DREADS
OR I’LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD
OH SHIT WRONG STORY
but she gets up to the top and Rapunzel is like hey so
how come it takes so much longer to haul you up
than it takes to haul up my secret lover who you’re not supposed to know about
and the witch is like WHAAAAAAAAT
THAT’S IT
CUTTING OFF ALL YOUR HAIR
TELEPORTING YOU TO THE DESERT
FUCK THIS FUCK EVERYTHING
and then she ties the hair to the windowsill and waits for the prince to show up
WAIT
WHY DIDN’T RAPUNZEL DO THAT
SHE TOTALLY COULD HAVE CLIMBED DOWN HER OWN HAIR
but i guess spending your whole life inside a tower
does not make you great at problem solving

anyway then the prince shows up with a ladder
he sees the hair already waiting for him
and he climbs up
only to have the witch jump out like SURPRISE ASSHOLE
and he’s all like FUCK THIS I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he jumps out of the window and happens to land in some brambles
it’s okay though because he manages to break his fall
WITH HIS EYEBALLS
and then he goes blind obviously
so he just starts wandering all over the place
bumping into trees CONSTANTLY
rocky and bullwinkle did a pretty good version of this actually

but so eventually the prince somehow manages to get to the desert where rapunzel is
i guess because he wants sex SO BAD that he learns SONAR
and he meets up with Rapunzel
who is now raising their two love children
and she sees him all blind and shit and she runs over and cries on him SO HARD
that the tears get in his eyes and unblind him
and then he takes her back to his kingdom and they live happily ever after i guess

so the moral of the story
is fuck laughter
misery is the best medicine

THE END.

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Ashputtle has birds that are Genies

Oh hey guys
you bought a bunch of norse crisis flowchart shirts recently
(thanks by the way)
so i’m almost out of grey ones
in fact I am out of grey ones in most sizes
bout to do a new run
this time in weird flecky blue
because this short asian chick showed up at a concert in my dreams and told me to
I AM RUNNING THIS WEBSITE AND I WILL RUN IT THE WAY I WANT

Okay so Cinderella right?

WRONG

ain’t no cinderella assholes
bitch is called Ashputtle and that is the way things are
I can understand the confusion though
both names start with a synonym for charcoal
and end with some babyshit nonsense
but I think ashputtle does a better job
of capturing the abject misery of this chick’s life
so we’re sticking with that

okay so Ashputtle
she has got to have the shittiest dad in the history of both dads and shit
and there is a long and storied history of both of these things
her mom is pretty rad though
but OOPS GUESS WHAT
in the first paragraph of this story HER MOM GETS SICK AND DIES
she’s all lying on her deathbed like honey i will watch over you from heaven
ain’t nothing bad gonna happen to you shhhhh
and then she dies

here’s the thing though
MOMS LIE
no sooner is her leprotic corpse in the ground
then the dad starts banging this new twank with a couple of shitty people for kids
these shitty people are also hot chicks so it kind of balances out
but not for Ashputtle who basically gets shat on by the whole family from then on
actually that is when she gets the name ashputtle
everyone is like HEY ASHPUTTLE
WHY DON’T YOU GO PUTTLE AROUND IN SOME ASHES
ALSO:
WASH OUR DISHES
GET OUR WATER
COOK OUR FOOD
OH YOU’RE DONE WITH YOUR WORK?
NO YOU’RE NOT TAINTFUFFLE
PICK THESE LENTILS OUT OF THE ASHES
HIYAAAAAAA
I’m pretty sure the dad has just entirely forgotten he has a biological daughter
because here is the thing about biological daughters
you feel kind of gross when you try to sleep with them
whereas he has two guilt free hot chick pseudodaughters
as a result of this new marriage
think about it from his perspective
THREE SMOKIN’ VAGINAS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE
AND THE PRICE IS REAL LOW
BECAUSE LOVE IS FREE
wait what am i saying love is not involved in this at all nor is it free
this guy is a really awful person is what i’m trying to say
oh yeah also ashputtle doesn’t get a bed she just sleeps in ashes
in order to be inkeeping with her whole theme i guess

so anyway one day the dad goes out to town
and he’s like hey hot daughters do you want gifts
and they are like PRETTY DRESSES AND BOYS
and then he’s like hey ashputtle what do you want
and asputtle is like uh
just give me the first branch that knocks your hat off on the way home
not like you’d spend more than zero dollars on me anyway
and the dad is like tru dat

so he comes home with pretty dresses for his hot daughters
and a broken stick for his real daughter
and ashputtle takes the stick and immediately plants it by her mom’s grave
and it grows into a tree because she cries on it so much
i think it’s a laurel tree?
if it isn’t i am officially editing the story to say it is
anyway some doves come and live in that tree and they grant her wishes apparently

but so one day there is this bigass party at the king’s house
cause his son is trying to find some trick to bang
and the hotdaughters are like HEY HEY HEY LET’S GO
and ashputtle is like can I come
and the stepmother is like NAW GIRL YOU UGLY
and ashputtle is like PLEEEEEEEEEEASE
and the stepmother is like fine
but only if you can pick this entire pot full of lentils out of the ashes
in TWO HOURS
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
so ashputtle sits down for some serious beancounting
but then she has an idea
she’s like OY
ANIMAL PALS
GET IN HERE AND HELP ME WITH THIS SHIT
so her two birdpals bust in
and they bring along all of THEIR birdpals
and in like an hour all the lentils are well and truly sorted
so she goes back to her stepmom like ok I did it
can i go to the dance
and her stepmom is like what?
no
you’re still ugly
probably even uglier now actually
tell you what
if you can pick TWO pots of lentils out of the ashes in ONE hour
you can go
WHABAM

so Ashputtle summons her animal pals ONCE AGAIN
and they can understand english for some reason still
and they sort all this shit QUADRUPLE TIME
so that it all gets finished in LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR
and she goes back to her stepmother like eh?
eh?
and the stepmother is like NOPE STILL UGLY
HAHAHAHA ULTIMATE PRANK
and then she high fives her evil daughters and they go to the dance

so meanwhile ashputtle goes to her sadness tree on her mom’s grave
and she’s all like hey birds
I know you are probably tired from picking up lentils all day
but if I bust a sweet rhyme for you will you get me a dress?
and the birds are like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH
and ashputtle is like yo
I need sweet duds for to cover my breasts
so would you birds please go out and get me a dress
and the birds are like YESSSSSS
and they go and they come back with the pimp daddy of all ball gowns
and ashputtle puts it on and probably washes her face or some shit
and OFF SHE GOES TO THE PARTY

okay so plot twist
turns out ashputtle was hot all along
she just needed a shower
she shows up to this dancey party and the prince is all SPROING
OH MAN GOTTA STOP MAKING SOUND EFFECTS FOR MY PENIS IT IS A BAD HABIT
ANYWAY GURL LEMME DANCE UP ON YOU N SHIT
so they dance ALL NIGHT
and every time some other dude tries to cut in
the prince is like BITCH GET AWAY SHE’S MINE
but then at the end of the night ashputtle is all tired
so her intelligent solution is to just run the fuck away
and hide inside a dovecote
what a dovecote is I don’t know
but I am assuming it is a bigass box made out of doves
(thank you in advance for correcting me in the comments)
that’s right guys
there’s no midnight stipulation
there’s no pumpkin carriage or any of that nonsense
Disney invented all of that shit
to justify a totally stacked broad RUNNING AWAY FROM A DUDE WHO SHE IS MEGA INTO
BECAUSE HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT
OH SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM TO KNOW SHE’S ACTUALLY HER SISTERS’ BITCH
BIG DEAL YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE QUEEN CHILL THE FUCK OUT
but so she runs away
and the prince is like WHERE DID SHE GO
OY
DUDE OVER THERE
(he happens to be talking to Ashputtle’s dad by some weird coincidence)
COME BUST OPEN THAT BOX OF DOVES FOR ME
USE AN AXE IF YOU HAVE TO
so they bust it open
BUT ASHPUTTLE IS NOT THERE
SHE SNUCK OUT THE BACK BECAUSE APPARENTLY THESE THINGS HAVE BACKS
and when they get home she is already at home
changed back into her old dress
sleeping in the ashes like usual

oh but so apparently this party is a three day thing
so the next day they leave ashputtle home alone again
and they go to the party
now let me tell you what I would have done in this situation
I would have immediately set the house on fire
then put on my sweet dress and gone to the party
fucked the shit out of the prince and not had any problems ever again
and that’s exactly what ashputtle does
minus the fire or the boning
she just goes back to her mom’s grave and she’s like BIRDS
A BEAT IF YOU PLEASE
and the birds are like BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS
and she’s like yo
I didn’t know this party was a multi-day thing
so could you please hook me up with some wearable bling
and the birds are like OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
and they leave and they come back with THE ILLINEST DRESS
which ashputtle puts on and then quickly runs to the party

so this party is basically a shot for shot remake of yesterday’s party
except instead of hiding in the ruined dovecote
Ashputtle runs and hides in a mega sweet pear tree
and the prince is like HEY RANDOM DUDE
CHOP THIS TREE DOWN
WITH AXES IF NECESSARY
jeeze dude chill out
but so they chop down the tree but ashputtle IS NOT THERE
she climbed the tree over the palace walls and ran home
and when everyone else gets back she is changed back into her shitty grey gown
sleeping in ashes as per usual

SO THE NEXT DAY IS PARTY 3: THE PARTENING
and it goes much the same way as parties 1 and 2
the stepsisters go out
the birds are like BOW WAP BOW wikiwiki
and Ashputtle’s like GET ME A DRESS FROM PHARAOH’S TOMB
THAT’LL SUCK THE PRINCE’S DICK FROM ACROSS THE ROOM
and the birds are like AWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIIT
and they come back with a dress that is like if you stapled dresses 1 and 2 together
then shot them with a sex gun
dipped them in goldbatter
and then had someone make a really sweet dress because those dresses are ruined now
and then she goes to the party
and she dances with the prince and then runs away
but the prince is too clever for her this time
see he coated all the steps in the palace with TAR
DUDE THAT IS A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN
but all that actually happens is Ashputtle has to leave 1 of her shoes behind
and the prince finds it and he’s like aww yiss
this will make finding her SOOOO EASY
not like i’d recognize her face or anything
because I was busy staring at her tits for the past three nights
OBVIOUSLY

so the next day the prince goes romping all over town
trying to find a chick whose foot fits in this shoe
and for some reason the VERY FIRST PLACE HE GOES is ashputtle’s house
i guess cause he hears that is where hot chicks are at
but anyway he goes in and he’s like i’ve got this slipper does it fit anyone
and the older stepsister is all let me try
so she takes it into the back room
and her foot is totally too big
so her mom is like dude
dude
cut off your toe
totally worth it
and the daughter is like i dunno
and her mom is like DO IT OR I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU
so she cuts off her toe and stuffs her foot in the shoe
hobbling out trying to ignore the pain
and the prince is like WOO GOT IT ON MY FIRST TRY
LET’S GO HONEY
and they drive away in his carriage
but on the way they pass that laurel tree from earlier
and the birds are sitting in like YO
HER FOOT’S TOO BIG AND HER FOOT’S TOO WIDE
UNLESS YOU WANT A SASQUATCH TO BE YOUR BRIDE
and the prince looks down and blood is literally SPURTING OUT OF THE SHOE
and he’s like WHOA WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WE’RE GOING BACK TO YOUR HOUSE AND I AM GETTING A DIFFERENT WIFE WITH CLEAN FEET

so he goes back to the house
and he’s like got any more daughters
and the mom is like YUP
and so she takes the shoe into the back room with her other daughter
and HER foot doesn’t fit
so the mom is like ok honey i’ve got a clever plan
he noticed when your sister cut off her toe so here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna cut off your HEEL
NO ONE WILL BE THE WISER
and the daughter grits her teeth and does it
and stumbles outside dizzy from blood loss
and the prince is like WOO ALRIGHT LET’S GO LET’S DO THIS
and they ride away in the carriage
but they pass the birds again and the birds are like YO YO YO
THE BITCH BE LYIN’ CAN’T YOU SEE
HER FOOT’S OUT OF PLACE LIKE A DICK IN A TREE
i am imagining these birds as the beastie boys by the way
anyway then the prince looks down and blood is spurting ALL THE WAY UP THIS CHICK’S LEG
and the prince is like HOLY SHIT HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS
GOD DAMMIT DRIVER TURN AROUND
MORE BULLSHIT IS HAPPENING

so they get back to ashputtle’s house and he’s like yo
quit fucking around
do you have any more daughters
and the stepmother is like nope
just some ugly strumpet who sleeps in ashes and we beat her with brooms
and the prince is like SEND HER IN
so ashputtle comes out
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THE SHOE FITS HER PERFECTLY
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS STOLEN FOR HER BY SOME FUCKING BIRDS
THESE BIRDS HAVE AN EYE FOR FASHION LET ME TELL YOU
so then the prince is like alright is your foot bleeding or anything
no?
good
LET’S GO
and they drive by the laurel tree and the birds are all
IT’S BEEN A LONG STORY AND WE’RE SICK OF WAITING
GET BACK TO THE CRIB AND START SEXCAPADING
and that is exactly what they do
but only after a longass wedding
which the stepsisters show up to
only to have their eyes pecked out by those fucking magic doves
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if birds are not doing your bidding
it is because your flow is not sick enough

THE END.

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Bears will fuck you up

Alright it’s decided

I am officially on a fairytales kick right now
that is what I am doing
I’m gonna dig into my Grimm books some time in the next few days
but i figured I’d start out with a pretty perfect story
it is perfect because it involves breaking and entering
little kids getting murdered
and best of all
BEARS

that’s right
it’s motherfucking GOLDILOCKS time up in this bitch

alright so Goldilocks right
she’s got to have one of the stupidest names of all time
what the fuck was wrong with parents in fairytale times
it’s like they just named their kids after the first fucking thing they saw
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
SNOW WHITE
COWSHIT DOUGLAS
okay that last one wasn’t real
but anyway Goldilocks is running through the forest
trying to escape her shitty name
when all of a sudden BOOM
here’s a bear’s house come looming out of nowhere

now when the fairytale says bear house
we all know that what they really mean is DARK-ASS CAVE
bears do not live in houses
not even these bears
i mean these are pretty remarkable bears but living in a house?
fuck that
grow some thumbs assholes
then maybe you can take out a goddamn mortgage

but anyway
Goldilocks rolls up on this sweet bearhouse
prolly with a sign out front that says BEAR HOUSE
or maybe just some dead bodies
and she’s like this looks like a job for
BURGLARY
so she busts out a window and she jumps inside
and starts running around putting things in her mouth
seriously
the first thing she does is she sees some porridge on the table
PORRIDGE
fucking WARM-ASS BREAKFAST CEREAL
left untouched on the table
clearly a trap left by the bears
so they will have something to get furious about
when they come home and someone has eaten it
what other explanation is there
you are bears and you build a house
you build tables and chairs
you make porridge
THEN YOU LEAVE TO GO GET SOME REAL FUCKING BEAR FOOD
SALMON AND BEES AND SHIT
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE A MAGIC BEAR
TRUST ME I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS SHIT

anyway there are three bowls of porridge
and she burns the shit out of her mouth on one of them
and then another one is too cold
and the third one is great
so not only is she a thief but she’s a picky bitch
anyway then she’s all bloated so she has to go sit down
so she finds some chairs
and she’s like THIS CHAIR IS TOO HARD
THIS CHAIR IS TOO SOFT
I’M GONNA DO A CANNONBALL INTO THE THIRD CHAIR AND BREAK IT BECAUSE FUCK THIS
and then she’s tired from ruining all this property so it’s naptime

now a normal person would go back home for naptime
but Goldilocks is not a normal person
she’s a fucking sociopath
she’s one of those people who breaks into your house when it’s getting fumigated
and just hangs out eating your sandwiches until she dies from the poisonous gas
you come home from vacation all sunburned
and here is this twitching eight ear old girl on your couch
cartoon network is still playing on your television
sandwiches all stuffed into her gaping maw

ANYWAY
Goldilocks goes upstairs and starts sitting on beds
OHHH THIS ONE IS TOO HARD
THIS ONE SUCKS TOO MUCH
THIS ONE OVER HERE IS GREAT
and she passes the fuck out
AND THIS IS WHEN THE BEARS CHOOSE TO ARRIVE
you stand there and try to tell me they didn’t plan this
three bears show up at this house and they make a big show of going over the carnage
oh man she ate all our nutritious porridge
oh man she fucked up all our chairs
GOOD THING WE DON’T EAT PORRIDGE OR SIT IN CHAIRS
hm i wonder if when we go upstairs we will find someone sleeping in one of our beds
HMMMMM
oh by the way I guess I should mention
that the bear who gets fucked over the most
the one whose porridge gets 100% consumed
and whose chair gets broken
and whose bed Goldilocks is at this very moment sleeping in
is the BABY BEAR
yeah
Goldilocks has actually TAKEN FOOD FROM A BABY
MASTER CRIMINAL OF THE FUCKING CENTURY RIGHT HERE
but anyway yeah they go upstairs
and they make a show of checking all the beds
and WHAT’S THIS
HERE’S GOLDILOCKS SLEEPING IN THE BABY BEAR’S BED
and she wakes up and there are bears all the fuck everywhere
like BITCH
DIDN’T YOU SEE THAT MOVIE WITH THE GUY IN THE MOUNTAINS
WHERE HE GETS EATEN BY BEARS AND SHIT
I THINK IT WAS CALLED CITIZEN KANE OR SOMETHING?
and Goldilocks is like ROOOOOOOSEEEBUUDDDDDDDD

now this is where tellings of this tale tend to diverge
you see some people say Goldilocks jumped out of her bed and fucking ran for her life
actually when i say some people I mean everybody
everybody says that
but everybody is WRONG
you wake up in the body of an eight-year-old surrounded by bears
and YOU try and make a daring escape
fuck no
bitch gets eaten
as well she should
and the bears live happily ever after
having reset their cunning human trap

so the moral of the story is
taking candy from a baby is easy
i do it all the time
but taking porridge from a bear baby?
TOTALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT

THE END.

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A day in the life of Hermes

Alright guys

I admit I was a little harsh on Thor
the fact of the matter is
I really don’t give two shits and a saggy fuck about accuracy
accuracy to the myths or to the comic book
still
thor?
TOTAL PUSSNEXUS

anyway speaking of accuracy
today’s greek myth will probably include some roman names
it will probably be inconsistent
I need you to prepare yourself for this
so that when it happens you do not accidentally shit yourselves with rage

HERE WE GO

so Hermes is flying around being a dick
when he notices that Apollo has decided to be a cow herder guy for a while
except he’s a really shitty cowherd
because he totally forgets about his cows while he sits around
busting sweet lyre solos
and the cows all wander off
so Hermes is like SWEET
FREE COWS
DUNNO WHAT I’M GONNA DO WITH THEM
BETTER STEAL THEM BEFORE I FIGURE IT OUT
so he just steals him some cows

but then he looks around and he’s like FUCK
some old dude named Battus saw the whole thing
so he runs over to Battus like hey dude
uh
free cow if you don’t tell anyone about this
and Battus is like SWEET
YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL
so then he leaves
and hermes is like hm
here’s a perfect opportunity to be an asshole
so he turns into some other dude
and he goes up to Battus like heyyyyy brooooo
got some cows stolen from me this morning
looking for those cows
do you know where I can find those cows?
I will give you TWO COWS
and Battus is like oh yeah they’re right over there
and Hermes is like GOTCHA ASSHOLE
and turns him into stone
BAM
that’ll teach him to respect peoples’ property!
except he can’t really respect any properties when he is MADE OF STONE now can he

but anyway then hermes flies away
presumably just leaving the cows there
and he goes straight to athens
where he sees some hot chicks praying to athena
and he’s like hm
it’s been many moons since I tapped the ol’ sex keg
VROOM VROOM HERE I GO
so he descends to earth in all his pimpest attire
got his fancyass robes
rod that puts people to sleep
finger combs his hair down a little
and he sets off to make sweet love to this chick he saw named Herse
but see there’s a problem
which is that whoever designed Herse’s house is an idiot
and in order to get to her bedroom
you have to walk through the bedroom of her sister Aglauros
which sounds more like the name of a lesser demon but hey
WHATEVER
so but anyway hermes walks in
radiating divine light and whatnot
and Aglauros is like who the fuck are you
and Hermes is like bitch I am motherfucking hermes
maybe you’ve heard of me
i am the messenger of the gods
i am here to deliver a message to your sister
if you know what I mean
and Aglauros is like i only let my sister get fucked
in exchange for BUNDLES OF GOLD
and Hermes is like what
fuck that I don’t pay for it
and he leaves

MEANWHILE
Minerva (that is Athena but with a fancier name)
is chilling up at her temple
and she sees this shit going down
and she is like FUCK this shit
first of all why is hermes trying to fuck one of my priestesses
SECOND OF ALL why is this Aglauros chick trying to SELL HER SISTER’S MEAT TUNNEL
GRRRRRRR
so she shows up at the house of this chick named Envy
who happens to be eating snakes
and she is like yo envy
go put a bunch of envy all up inside Aglauros
and Envy is like psh whatever fine
and she goes and does that
and then Aglauros wakes up and she’s like I ENVY MY SISTER SOOOOOO MUCHHHHHH
and then Hermes shows up and he’s all hey
back to fuck your sister again
i don’t mean to imply that I fucked her before
because I didn’t
i’m the messenger god but I am incapable of getting past some greedy bitch in pajamas
and Aglauros is like LESS TALK MORE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
and Hermes is like whoa there
you are getting dangerously close
to being a megatwat
oh shit i’m sorry i forgot to calibrate my twatometer
you crossed the twatline DAYYYS ago
sorry
carry on
and Aglauros is like I AM NOT MOVING FROM IN FRONT OF MY SISTER’S DOOR
and Hermes is like that sounds about right
and then he turns her to stone
and then he turns around
and FLIES BACK TO OLYMPUS
WAIT
HOLD ON
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED HERMES
ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO
WHERE DID THE PLAN BREAK DOWN
OR WAS THIS THE PLAN ALL ALONG
PRETEND TO TRY TO FUCK THIS CHICK’S SISTER SO SHE’D BE A BITCH SO YOU COULD STONE HER
I’M SO CONFUSED MY EYES ARE VOMITING
IS THIS WHAT CRYING IS?

anyway yeah then he shows up at olympus and zeus is like HERMES
THANK GODS YOU’RE HERE
HELP ME HAVE SEX WITH THIS CHICK I FOUND
but that’s a story for another time

so the moral of the story is
if any of your social interactions start to go sour
just turn everyone into stone
and it will look like you meant to do it

THE END.

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So I saw Thor

Alright so good afternoon guys
I hope you are having a good rapture
I’m autoposting this in case I ascend to heaven
although honestly
i do not expect my blog’s readership to be noticeably effected by this cosmic event
I hear ragnarok is scheduled for next thursday at three though
so uh
watch out for that

But so Ho-lee shit

I don’t know why they even called it thor
I probably would have titled it
LOOSE CONFEDERATION OF WUSSES
i mean
i understand it’s an adaptation of a comic book
which is an adaptation of the actual myth
and that’s why I’m not going to complain about little things
like how loki is not Odin’s son
or how Odin has no need to crown a new king because he’s NOT DYING
or how the frost giants are only like 7 feet tall tops
or how Sif is supposed to be thor’s wife
or how they call the Aesir “Asgardians”
or how Heimdall allows thor on the bifrost with Mjolnir
even though that would fucking BREAK THE WHOLE THING
or how Mjolnir is apparently “forged in the heart of a dying star”
instead of by some goldhungry dwarves who keep getting bitten on the eyes by flies
or how they decided to invent Fandral the Dashing
and Volstagg the Fat Idiot
while simultaneously ommitting Tyr, Baldur and Freyr
or how Thor refers to Midgard as “earth”
or how they came up with some bullshit called the Odin Sleep
which is basically just extended plot device nappytimes for Odin
or how people are actually afraid thor might die at any point
despite the fact that he is not prophesied to die until FUCKING RAGNAROK

no

I’m not going to complain about any of those things
i’m not even going to complain about how the only two characters I liked
were a dimensional gatekeeper who says maybe ten words over the course of the movie
and a female poli sci major
with the same first name as the main male protagonist from PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

and to be fair,
they actually did Loki pretty spot on
he started out with a really clever ploy:
get Thor to idiot his way all the way out of asgard
and then Odin Nappytimes happened so that made things work out even better
and then
right when he has the opportunity to put the win in the bag
he just stats shitting all over himself
like literally
he contracts the frost giants to come kill his sleeping dad
he BRINGS THEM INTO ASGARD
they get into the sleepytimes room
and BAM
that is when loki kills all of the giants
to make his father proud?
POINT ONE:
NOT YOUR DAD ASSHOLE
POINT TWO:
WEREN’T YOU TRYING TO BE KING A MINUTE AGO? THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF DOING THAT
POINT THREE:
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BRING THEM ALL THE WAY HERE TO KILL THEM
THERE IS A WHOLE ICEWORLD FULL OF THESE FUCKERS JUST RIPE FOR THE MURDERING

but again
not complaining about Loki’s shitty plan
because that’s pretty much the only kind of plan loki ever makes
no
you wanna know what pisses me off?
I’ll give you a hint:
his name is in the title
give up?
ahem

THOR IS A HUUUUUUUUGE PUSSY
huge
we’re talking hotdog down a hallway status
cucumber down a mineshaft
whatever
pick any phallic object
pair it with the cavernous passageway of your choice
and you’ve got a pretty good idea of Thor’s MO in this movie
seriously
here’s what happens in the movie:
Thor’s gonna get kinged
but then OH NO OOPS GIANTS ATTACK
now instead of being king thor gets pranked by loki into attacking the giants
and Odin
who for some reason DOESN’T WANT ANY DEAD GIANTS ANYWHERE
banishes him
then falls asleep because i guess banishing makes you tired
Loki decides he is king
which pisses everyone else off but they do not respond with violence for some reason
thor prances around on earth
talking in a british accent
occasionally behaving in an anachronistic manner
punching a couple dudes
but ultimately adjusting remarkably quickly
to a world with domesticated electricity and laws against murder
he falls in love with some chick
who ALMOST has the name as the author of Pride and Prejudice
and she falls in love with him because pecs
then there’s a huge fire robot and a handful of punches
then thor proves that the power was inside him all along
or actually it was in mjolnir
which is programmed to return to his hand as soon as he becomes pure of heart
then thor goes home and punches loki a lot
which isn’t much of a feat honestly
loki is trying to blow up Jotunheim with the bifrost
which is a gun now i guess
but then thor becomes king by destroying that gunbridge
and his dad wakes up and loki falls off a cliff
WHATEVER

if I had written this movie
it would have been ten minutes long
here is the script:

THOR: Hey dad i just found some frost giants trying to steal our shit so I killed them
ODIN: THIS IS TROUBLING INDEED
THOR: I figured I’d go over to Jotunheim and kill all the other frost giants
ODIN: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN SON
(They high five. Thor goes to Jotunheim and kills all the giants. FADE TO BLACK.)

now ok
I realize this is more of a gripe about ODIN being a pussy
I mean what Aesir wants peace with ANYONE EVER?
but i swear Thor is a huge pussy too
I mean he finds himself in new fucking mexico
surrounded by puny earth people who hit him with TWO CARS
and he miraculously agrees to wear shirts and not constantly kill people
to prove my point I am going to be taking selected quotes from the IMDB page
and rewriting them as they should have been written to begin with:

Thor: How dare you threaten the son of Odin with such a puny weapon!
Darcy: [Darcy tasers him]
Thor: I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD OF THUNDER
Thor: [Thor bites off Darcy's face]

Thor: [tasting coffee for the first time] This drink… I like it! More!
[smashes the cup]
Jane Austen: What are you doing?
Thor: It was good, I want another.
Jane: Then ask for one, don’t smash the cup on the ground.
Thor: DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Thor: [Proceeds to rampage through the diner, chucking patrons out of windows]

Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do…
Thor: Oh wait.
Thor: Punching.
Thor: How could I forget?
Thor: [Resumes Punching]

Thor: Can I come home?
Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.
Thor: Oh. Well … Uh…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Thor: [Punches straight through Loki's sternum and then flies back to Asgard]

so
the verdict:
thor is a pretty good movie
if you’re really into movies that suck a whole lot

THE END.

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Loki takes it just a little too far

HIDE YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS
SET FIRE TO YOUR VALUABLES
LOKI IS COMING AND HE IS SWINGIN’ DICK
SERIOUSLY SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL
THIS IS A MYTH THAT IS LESS A MYTH AND MORE A RAP BATTLE BETWEEN LOKI AND EVERYONE

so this myth picks up right after that other one
where thor ruin’s some guy’s whole house and livelihood
in order to get a pot big enough to brew nordic megabooze in

they are putting that pot to good use
cause everyone is at this bangin party at Aegir’s place
just getting trashed and yelling about violence
which is not much different from what they are doing AT ALL TIMES
except that EVERYONE is there
i don’t even know who half these assholes are
but one asshole I DEFINITELY recognize
is LOKI
this dude is sitting in the middle of the rad festivities
with a stick up his butt that it SOOOO LONG
that it shoots out of his mouth and kills one of the serving dudes
and everyone is like LOKI WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK LOKI
MAJOR PARTY FOUL
GET THE FUCK OUT

so loki leaves
he leaves for about TEN MINUTES
at which point he turns around and walks back to Aegir’s place
and he goes to the doorman and he’s all hey man
coming to this party
and the doorman is like fuck you
and loki is like no no no
fuck YOU
and the doorman is like RIGHT THIS WAY SIR
and loki comes back in and he’s standing in the doorway
and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE
WE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE LIKE THREE MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like chill out guys
you know
there was a time
when Odin and I were best bros
what happened Odin
was it because I ruined everything over and over again?
why can’t we be pals again?
and odin is like fuck it whatever
come sit down at the table
and FUCKING BEHAVE
unfortunately BEHAVE is not a word Loki can hear
so he goes about trying to shit in everyone’s mouths
with his words
basically with the same end goal as Eris in that one greek myth
except WAYYYYY BITCHIER

so Loki’s like OH MAN ALL YOU GODS ARE SO HELLA TIGHT
CHEERS TO EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR THAT ASSHOLE OVER THERE
WHAT’S YOUR NAME ASSHOLE?
BRAGI?
SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE NAME TO ME
and Bragi is like man what the fuck
we kicked you out of the party
we let you come back
and this is the shit you pull?
come on man
and loki is like I’M NOT FINISHED
YOU ARE ALSO A HUGE PUSSY
and Bragi is like how about I pussy your face into pulp
and Loki is like THAT’S PRETTY BIG TALK
FOR A PUSSYYYYYYYYYYY

so then this chick Ithun chimes in
like Loki seriously dude
this isn’t even clever
you’re just fucking yelling at dudes
and Loki is like
SLUT
and this chick Gefjun is like seriously everybody calm down
and Loki is like YOU FUCK LITTLE BOYS
and then Odin is like AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER PUSSPANTHERS
TIME FOR THE ALLFATHER TO RIP THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP
THIALFI
GIVE ME A BEAT
and Thialfi is all like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH wikiwiki
and Odin’s like YO
I KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US
BUT I’M NOT EVEN SURE THAT YOU HAVE A PENIS
CAUSE I HEARD ABOUT HOW YOU FUCKED A HORSE
AND WHEN THE BABIES CAME OUT, YOUR HORSE-VAG WAS THE SOURCE

and all the gods are like OHHHHHH SNAPPPPPP
and loki’s like UH UH CHECK IT OUT
I’LL FUCK YOUR OTHER EYE OUT AND I’LL MAKE YOU MY BITCH
YO I HEARD YOU ONCE DESCENDED TO EARTH AS A WITCH
THAT WOULD SEEM TO PROVE THAT YOU LACK A DONG
EVEN THOUGH I’M TOTALLY LYING ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT
and then frigga is like this is pretty stupid
and Loki’s like YOU’RE A SLUT
and frigga is like bro if Baldur were here right now
and not dead
he’d totally whup you
and Loki’s like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU
I’M THE DUDE WHO KILLED BALDUR
yeah that’s right
i’m so intent on ruining your party
I WILL WILLINGLY CONFESS TO MURDER
and Freyja is like dude are you seriously confessing to murder right now?
and Loki’s like LET’S PLAY FILL IN THE BLANK:
YOU’RE A SLUT
OH MAN I FORGOT TO PUT IN ANY BLANKS SORRY

and this whole time this god Njorth who now one has heard of
has been warming up his sick burns on the megahearth
and now he brings them to bear
all like LOKI
YOU ARE CALLING ALL THESE WOMEN SLUTS
BUT LIKE
YOU FUCKED A HORSE
SO
KIND OF A DOUBLE STANDARD THERE BUDDY
and Loki’s like OH YEAH?
WELL I HEARD A BUNCH OF CHICKS PISSED IN YOUR MOUTH
and Njorth is like seriously where are you even getting this shit
and Loki is like PS YOUR SON FREYR IS A PIECE OF SHIT
and then Tyr steps up to the mic
and he’s like yo:
Freyr is actually a pretty cool dude
and Loki is like WHAT’S THAT HANDY MCHANDS?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE HANDS YOU’RE MISSING
and Tyr is like ok yeah i lost a hand
but I lost it while imprisoning the SHIT out of your horrible wolfbaby
so you can fellate my fist
and Loki’s like uh
well
YOUR WIFE’S A SLUT
at which point Freyr steps in and he’s like dude
you are walking on thin ice
we’re like this close to chaining you up like your wolfkid
and Loki’s like WHATEVER DUDE
AT LEAST I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE MY SWORD RIGHT BEFORE RAGNAROK
SERIOUSLY YOU HAVE THE LAMEST PART OF THAT PROPHECY AMIRITE
and then some dude Byggvir is like I WANNA PUNCH YOO
and Loki’s like who the fuck are you
seriously
and NO ONE KNOWS
so then Heimdall is like dude Loki
maybe you need to quit drinking
you are being kind of belligerent man
and Loki is like YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER
and then Sif
who is thor’s wife
is like lemme just pour you some more booze there loki
we’re cool right?
and Loki’s like
I WILL GIVE EVERYONE THREE GUESSES WHAT YOU ARE
BZZZT TIME’S UP YOU’RE A SLUT
and thor is like aw hell no
oy
loki
shut your mouth before I hit you with my hammer
and Loki’s like PUSSY
and thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like PANSY
and Thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like YOU GOT PRANKED BY A GIANT
and Thor’s like HAMMER HAMMER HAMMER
and Loki’s like you’re not even listening to me are you
and Thor’s like hammer?
and then Loki is like alright shitlicks
it’s been real
but i gotta go make fun of some horses
or maybe fuck some horses
haven’t decided yet
but anyway peace
and the gods are like UH NOPE
YOU MAY RECALL HAVING CONFESSED TO MURDER A FEW MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like aww fuck
and then they tie him to a rock with his son’s intestines
and drip poison on him forever
and he has siezures and those are earthquakes i guess

so the moral of the story
if when crashing a party
be sure not to admit to any felonies

THE END

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Nanbozho sounds like the name of a very ethnic clown

okay so today’s myth is brought to you
at the bequest of a very special lady
she is so special that her name is Avalancha “The A is For Excellence” Raptorface
and she wants me to tell a myth about
rainbows?
HOLD ON
RAINBOWS?
ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME HERE RAPTORFACE?
fuck it whatever
I’m just going to have to make this simple uplifting myth
as METAL AS POSSIBLE

okay so there’s this motherfucker who calls himself Nanbozho
great job on having a shitty name asshole
every time i hear that name it is like someone is driving a unicycle into my dong
while honking the national anthem on a bike horn and pieing me in the face
WITH LIVE BEES
i don’t know guys I feel like maybe I’m trying too hard

anyway nanbozo is sitting in his idiot shack by this dumbshit waterfall
and one day he wakes up and he is like
THERE IS A PROBLEM
THESE FLOWERS ARE NOT ENOUGH COLORS
TIME TO MAKE EVERYTHING SOOOOOO PRETTTYYYYYY
seriously guys
what the fuck am I supposed to do
this is a myth about a guy PAINTING FLOWERS
and the end result is RAINBOWS
I’m sure if the Michigan indians had known about sparkle ponies and twinklebabies
those would be in here too
but anyway nanbozie grabs his special flower painting paints
and he goes out to paint the FUCK out of these flowers
which honestly are pretty drab
i mean they’re all just this kind of off-white
like an eggshell white
but leaning a little bit more towards beige
AHHH SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME
NO
NO
I DON’T GIVE A SHAGGY SCREAMING FUCK ABOUT COLORS
okay but uh
so he’s painting the flowers
he paints all the violets violet
and the venus flytraps and the piranha plants he paints green and red
and the pansies he paints EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW
except there aren’t rainbows yet so I guess HE CAN’T DO THAT NOW CAN HE
but anyway this dude apparently has some kind of serious ocd
because he is painting EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FLOWER
EVEN THE REALLY BORING ONES LIKE DAISIES
DAISIES ARE JUST WHITE WITH YELLOW IN THE MIDDLE
DID HE JUST RUN OUT OF IDEAS?
WAS HE GOING FOR SOME KIND OF NOVEAU MINIMALISM?
WHAT THE HELL IS NOVEAU MINIMALISM
DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS NOVEAU IF THIS IS A FUCKING CREATION MYTH?
anyway
enter: two asshole birds
they’re bluebirds
of course
not like they’re gonna be crows or dragons or anything
and these bluebirds are just having SUCH A GOOD TIME
THAT EVERYONE ELSE’S GOOD TIMES ARE AT RISK
like when you are in line at the supermarket
and you start moshing
except in this case
what these birds are doing
is repeatedly divebombing nanbizza’s paints
trying as hard as they can to punch each other in their little bluebird hearts
THIS IS A FUN GAME THAT BLUEBIRDS PLAY
but so yeah nanabobo is like HEY STOP THAT YOU CRAZY KIDS
GET OUTTA HERE
and the birds are like fuck fine
you sure are crabby for a dude who paints flowers
WE’RE LEAVING
and they leave
but not before getting totally covered in all manner of paint

so they leave and now suddenly they are the main fucking characters
yeah
these two dumbshit birds with no respect for personal space or property
these are our protagonists
so they’re all covered in paint so they’re like LET’S TAKE A SHOWER
TOO BAD SHOWERS HAVEN’T BEEN INVENTED YET
GUESS WE GOTTA USE WATERFALLS
so they go over to the waterfall
but then instead of taking a shower
they decide to just start dive bombing each other
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WATERFALL
now i don’t know about you guys
but i think watching two tiny birds get beat down by a fucking waterfall
would be HILARIOUS
unfortunately that is not what happens
what happens
is that all the paint gets washed off these fuckers
IN PERFECT SEQUENCE
forming

wait for it


A MOTHERFUCKING RAINBOWWWWWW

And nanbazilla looks up at the rainbow and he’s like
nice
RAINBOWS FOR EVERYBODY
and from then on everybody gets rainbows

so the moral of the story
is if you just go around throwing paint on animals
maybe god will run out of ideas for natural phenomena and just use your shit
and even if he doesn’t at least you get to throw paint on animals

THE END.

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Grettir the Strong Wrecks Dudes’ Faces

Shirts are in the mail!
if you preordered a crossdressing shirt
make sure to dig around in your envelope for your thank you note
they are handcrafted and dripping with organic gratitude

SO GRETTIR THE STRONG

he is the dude who steals fire
punches kids in the head
and for some reason has a really bad reputation in Norway
AND NOW HE’S AT IT AGAIN

so it’s around christmastime
and Grettir shows up at the house of some dude named Einar
he’s all yo dude lemme crash in your house
and Einar is all i’d rather not
I hear you are a wanted criminal who punches orphans
and Grettir is like whoa dude
that sounds like something an orphan would say
my orphan punching arm is getting kind of itchy
and einar is like I made a pile of all the beds
take them
do whatever you want with them

so but actually this ends up turning out pretty well for Einar
because
in the words of this saga:
“in many parts of norway at this time
outlaws and criminals would suddenly appear”
that’s right
this is the period of Norweigan history that inspired Gauntlet: Legends
so everyone is just chilling out
going about their business
when BAM
CRIMINALS
WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
WHO KNOWS
THERE’S PROBABLY A GLOWING SHED ABOUT THIRTY FEET UPHILL
CONSTANTLY SPAWNING THESE FUCKERS
(if you have never played gauntlet
let me explain it real quick
it is basically a thing you can spend an infinite amount of time on
that contains absolutely no fun
sort of like mashed potatoes
it’s rad having a big bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner with all your bros
but when you are eating mashed potatoes alone in the dark at 2AM there is a problem
anyway I have a copy of it for the PS2 if anyone wants to buy it)
so these criminals have names
pretty sure
but i’m not picking up the book to look them up
it doesn’t matter because (SPOILER ALERT) they die
let me explain to you how that happens
because that is surely the most excellent part of this myth

ok so this brigand rolls up with his posse
like yo Einar
word on the street is that your wife has a vagina
and I was just telling my crew the other day
vaginas are my bread and butter
and I’ve already fucked all my bread and butter to pieces so how about that vagina
and Einar is like now normally I would say yes
but only if you were asking me a completely different question about something else
and this brigand is like ok well option two
I stab your face off
and Einar is like these are not great options you are giving me
i think I need to consult with my resident badass
HEY GRETTIR
and grettir is like wut
I was just about to go see if I could steal honey from some bees
maybe kick some bears in the nuts
nothing terrible has happened to me recently I think i’m losing my edge
and Einar is like no time for that what should I do about Mister Mcstabberson here?
and Grettir is like oh him?
dude whatever just ignore him he’ll go away
and Einar is like by go away do you mean stab my face off
at which point the dude is like T MINUS TEN SECONDS TO STABOFF
and Grettir is like dude chill out
we are not fighting dudes
are are all real groovy pacifists or whatever
and the berserker is all like I bet I could kick your ass
and grettir is like
“What is tested is known”
which is the Medieval Norse equivalent of
“That is not what your mom said last night”
and the berserker for some reason gets the idea that Grettir is stalling
so he does what any reasonable person would do in this situation
he starts EATING HIS SHIELD
he just basically stuffs the edge of his shield as far into his mouth as he can
and gives it a taste of the ol’ tongue tornado if you know what I mean
if you know what I mean you’re a fucking pervert
and I am not letting you near my shields
anyway this is the moment Grettir has been waiting for I guess?
because he just walks over to the berserker
checks him out for a second
then SIDEKICKS THE SHIELD THROUGH HIS FACE
and then as if that wasn’t enough
he grabs what’s left of the dude’s head
pulls him off his horse
steals his sword
and then decapitates him with it
all in the space of like three seconds
at which point the dude’s homies realize they are in wayyyyy over their heads
and they get the fuck out of there
and Grettir is like should I chase them?
nahhhh
and he goes back to causing problems for a while until he dies

so the moral of the story here is pretty straightforward
don’t put weapons in your mouth
i feel like you guys could have figured that out on your own
but if that’s true
then why did anyone bother writing this myth?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

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Grettir the Strong Sets Dudes on Fire

so here’s a myth today
to make up for the myth blogger wouldn’t let me post yesterday
WOO
also:
most of the shirts are going to get mailed out in a couple hours
but if you ordered a purple,
a light blue,
a light green,
a medium white,
or a medium or XL pink,
the earliest I can get those in the mail is tomorrow
because my shirt wholesaler is being a huge bitch
ANYWAY
today’s myth comes from a book
which was purchased for me by human machine gun
CHET “Read my lips: I am going to punch you in your lips” KAPOW

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE GRETTIR

he’s a pretty Norwiegan dude
but like old-style Norwiegan
with all the murdering and the swords and the swimming through ice cold water
and not being in a death metal band
because he is too busy being in a death metal LIFE
Grettir means Snake by the way
and his full name
and by full name I mean his name with a sweet nickname attached
is GRETTIR THE STRONG
so Snake the Strong
so Solid Snake
excellent

anyway this particular story takes place in the middle of a much larger story
which is basically just about how much ass Grettir regularly stomps
but also about how thoroughly shafted he gets by everyone at every turn
seriously this dude has the luck of the Irish
during the potato famine
too soon?

so Grettir is on this boat with a bunch of Merchants
who the fuck knows where he’s going
probably he is trying to hit up king Olaf
you remember
the guy who is all about chucking horsecocks at dogs
he’s kind of related to Olaf or something?
to be fair I think he’s also related to a guy named Ivar Horsecock
lotta horsecocks in Norway
but yeah he’s on this boat
and everyone on this boat is cold
because that’s what happens when you’re on a boat in Norway
and they’re all like BOY SOME FIRE SURE WOULD BE NICE
and then they look up at a hill on the other side of the bay
and there’s a BIGASS FIRE over there
and they’re like MAN
WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SOMEONE WENT AND GOT THAT FIRE
and Grettir is sitting there like MAN
wouldn’t it be cool if you guys stopped being pussies and went and got the fire?
and they’re like WHO’RE YOU CALLING PUSSY
PUSSY
and Grettir is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSY
but I have a bad feeling about this
like I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me having some really shitty luck
and you guys not giving me any props for grabbing the fire
and the merchants are like NONSENSE
GO GET US FIRE

so Grettir does the sensible thing
which is strip naked
and put on just some pants
and a cowl
which is like a robe but just for your face
and then he jumps into the FREEZING COLD WATER
and he swims across the bay
and jumps out
and runs up to the place where the dudes are at
and woo look there is fire

uh ok a little backstory
apparently the dudes with the fire are the sons of some dude named Thorir
which seems to be a pretty popular name in these parts
because people wanna be named after Thor
and if anyone actually named themselves Thor THOR WOULD RUIN THEM
Thorir sent his kids to go work for king Olaf because he figures he owes Olaf a solid
because they are old buddies and one time they maybe built a boat?
so anyway that’s why his kids are there

so Grettir just busts straight into the hall with the fire
his cowl is frozen to his head in some kind of crazyshape
he’s huge
he looks like a fucking troll
and everyone is like GET AWAY FROM HERE YOU TROLL
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET BEAT WITH FLAMING LOGS
so everyone is hitting him with flaming logs but he doesn’t give a shit
because he’s fucking FROZEN
and in the process they set their own hall on fire
but Grettir doesn’t notice that
because he’s too busy walking out with some of their fire
and then he puts it in a barrel or something and drags it back across the frozen water to his merchant buddies
and they’re like YESSSSSSSS

but then the next morning they go to hit up the fire dudes
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
EVERYONE GOT FIRED
there is just some bones and some ashes and whatever
and the merchants are like GRETTIR
WHAT DID YOU DO
and Grettir is like SEE I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FUCK YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
and then the merchants devote all their time from that day on
to telling EVERYONE what an asshole Grettir is

so Grettir gets sick of this bullshit
and he goes and hits up King Olaf like yo
perhaps you have heard of me?
and Olaf is like yeah you’re that asshole with the burning
right?
and Grettir is like WRONG
I came all the way here to clear my name so you better cut the bullshit
and Olaf is like dude I’m gonna be honest with you
I don’t think you burned any dudes
but it’s pretty hard to prove that kind of shit
we don’t have cameras or police
or like
a judicial system
so how about we make you hold a red hot iron bar
like in that Arthurian legend about a couple of sexhungry emokids
and if it burns you we know you’re guilty
and Grettir is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Grettir starts preparing to get his hands burned off
by like praying and not eating any food and whatever
and then the hand-burny day arrives
and he’s walking down the aisle to get his hands burned
when this BUTT-UGLY KID runs up to him
like OY
OY
GRETTIR
YOU’RE TOTALLY GUILTY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
then he actually gives him the finger
that is a direct quote from the text
apparently they not only had the finger back in medieval Norway
but they had enough of them to give away
but so this pisses off Grettir so much
that he punches the kid in the head and the kid dies
at which point everybody starts punching everybody
and then Olaf is like Grettir
buddy
I was trying to help you out
with some red hot iron for your hands
not much I can do when you start using those hands for punching
and Grettir is like COME ON MAN
GIMME ANOTHER SHOT
and Olaf is like naw man no can do
you are one unlucky son of a bitch
looks like everyone is gonna have to hate you forever now
so go ahead and just get the fuck out of here
go to Iceland
I think there’s a prophecy that you’re supposed to die there or something
so that’s fun
and Grettir is like FINE
I’m LEAVING

so the moral of the story
you can’t get absolved for murder
if during your murder trial
you keep murdering people
or
to be more concise
you can’t have your cake and murder it too

THE END

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The Green Snake Eats Inedible Garbage

re: shirts
they are almost done
the dude forgot to buy like half of them though
so that’s happening tomorrow
and then everything should go in the mail by friday
HOPEFULLY
SORRY ABOUT THE DELAY GUYS I AM TRYING VERY HARD
AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT TRYING HARD IS WHAT MATTERS
ALSO I’M GOING TO BE ANNOUNCING SOMETHING REALLY COOL VERY SOON
BUT NOT TODAY MY FRIENDS
NOT TODAY

anyway here’s a story I had no idea existed until someone mentioned it
in the comments on another weird story i had no idea existed until someone emailed me
so yeah
here we go

so will-o-the-wisps right?
first of all
WOW
that name pretty much used up my hyphen budget for this entire myth
not sure what i’m gonna do when i have to mention them again
but second of all do you guys know what these things are?
they are basically just fire
if fire was an asshole
which it pretty much is
but not like this
see when our story begins
two of these fuckers are getting a ride in the middle of the night from some boat guy
and they get to the other side and he is like dudes
could you hook me up with some payment?
dunno why he didn’t ask for payment BEFORE taking them across the river
might have saved him some trouble
except WHOA WHAT’S THIS?
these wisp dudes just have a couple mini seizures and BAM
gold comes out of their bodies
pretty sweet right?

WRONG
because the ferry dude FREAKS THE FUCK OUT about this
he’s like YOU IDIOTS
THE RIVER IS MAGIC
IF GOLD GETS IN IT IT EXPLODES
PAY ME IN FRESH VEGETABLES PLEASE
and the wisps are like dude
if you’re not going to accept this FUCKING GOLD that we shat out
you are not getting ANYTHING AT ALL
and they start to leave
but whoa what’s this
looks like they CAN’T MOVE
wanna know why?
because the boat dude is magic
that’s why
actually lemme save you guys some trouble real quick
EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS MAGIC
EVERYONE
you can’t take a shit in this place without it gaining the power of speech

anyway the wisps are like fine dude we’ll get you some fucking veggies
and the ferryman is like ok
it’s gotta be 3 onions
three cabbages
and three artichokes
don’t ask why
just do it
and then he boats away to try and get rid of all this fucking gold he has

so he finds some rocks
and he dumps his gold into a crack the rocks
and then he’s like well that was easy
and goes home
BUT LITTLE DOES HE KNOW
THERE IS A SNAKE LIVING IN THOSE ROCKS
a GREEN SNAKE
and so all the gold hits the snake on her head
(yeah this is a girlsnake
just to head off any confusion at the gecko
i mean getgo
haha get it those words kind of sound the same)
and so the snake wakes up and she is like hm what is this that hit me on the head
only one way to find out
I BETTER EAT IT
so she does
and WHABAM
suddenly she is glowing?
well shit
if she wasn’t magical before SHE SURE IS NOW
but i mean she was magical before
remember
EVERYONE is magical
this is a snake that can turn into a fucking bridge ok?
but we’ll get to that later

what’s important right now is that the snake goes out hunting for more gold
because apparently gold is SOOOO TASTY
and what she ends up finding are those two wisp dudes
just chillin out in the night
being fire and everything
and she’s like dudes
did you see any gold go by here?
and they’re all like WHABAM
GOLD ALL OVER THE PLACE
and the snake is like mm thanks
and the wisps are like hey bro
do you know where we can find this chick lily?
and the snake is like oh yeah
other side of the river dudes
and they’re like SERIOUSLY?
BALLS
WE JUST CROSSED THE RIVER
AND WE CAN’T TAKE THE BOAT BACK CUZ THE BOATGUY HATES US
and the snake is like chill out
i’m a bridge remember?
and the wisps are like actually we never knew that but that is useful info yes
and the snake is like also there is a giant
he has a shadow that can carry you across at like dawn or whatever
when his shadow is super long
also i probably don’t need to tell you this
but that giant?
SUPER MAGICAL
and the wisps are like ok cool thanks
looks like we can’t really do anything til tomorrow
better go play pranks on the elderly!
so they go off to be dicks somewhere else
and the snake decides that now that she is made out of light
she should totally go explore her dark-as-fuck lair
so she does

HOLY SHIT THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS SNAKE’S LAIR
there’s basically this bigass temple
where there are all these dudes made of precious metals
there is a gold dude
and a silver dude
and a bronze dude
so it’s like the olympics
but with dudes
oh yeah except there’s also a fourth dude
who is made out of the other three dudes
not like voltron
but like
he is made out of a combination of gold silver and bronze
all winding around inside his body
so i guess like if someone melted the olympics in a bucket

but anyway the snake is hanging out there
and some old dude comes in with a lamp
and the kings are like fuck you old dude we don’t need your light
we already got a glowing snake
and the old dude is like you know my lamp only lamps when there are other lamps
and the kings are like oh yeah
why was that again?
and the old dude is like BECAUSE I AM MAGIC
and the kings are like right
how could we have forgotten
and then they ask him a bunch of stupid questions that I ignored
and then he leaves and now HE is the main character of this story

so apparently the old dude’s useless lamp is not as useless as it seems
because whereas when there is other light it is a light
when there is no light it just straight up turns everything in spitting distance
into PRECIOUS METALS
guys this story is confusing as fuck to read
but it would make such a rad animation
i know one of you has to be an animator or something
this could be your career right here
I’m serious I would love to see someone animate this story
I’d buy the shit out of it
here is the version I read
go nuts
but anyway he goes through some underground passages
turning everything around him into a glittering panorama
appropriate for a stereotypical gold rush miner’s fetish magazine
and then finally he gets home
and PLOT TWIST
it turns out his elderly wife is the elderly person the wisps decided to prank!
THAT’S RIGHT
THE EVENTS IN THIS STORY ACTUALLY DO HAVE SOME RELATION TO ONE ANOTHER
KIND OF
but yeah the old dude gets home
and his wife
whose magic power is being a WHINY TWAT
is like HUSSSBAAAAANNDDDDDD
THESE WISPS SHOWED UP AND COMPLIMENTED ME A BUNCH
AND THEN ATE ALL THE GOLD ENCRUSTING THE WALLS
AND THEN SHAT OUT A BUNCH OF GOLD COINS ON MY DOG MOPS
AND MOPS ATE A COIN AND NOW HE’S DEAD
ALSO I MAY HAVE PROMISED TO PAY THE FERRYMAN WHAT THEY OWE HIM
NOT SURE WHY I DID THAT
I GUESS I GOT DISTRACTED WHILE THEY WERE EATING MY WALLS AND KILLING MY DOG
and the old dude is like bitch calm down
I got a lamp and I am not afraid to use it
and BAM
out comes megalamp: ultra edition
and all the walls turn to gold
and their dead dog Mops turns into onyx
(the first time i read this I thought mops was just some mops
and i was perplexed by the huge deal everyone was making about them
but really that is their fault for naming their dog mops
what’s next
a cat named brooms?
a parakeet named dishwashers?)
and then the old man is like ok so i’ve got to handle all these problems now
here’s what you do
first of all go get your magic basket
because it’s not appropriate to walk around out there without being magical as fuck
then put our onyx dog in it
along with some cabbages onions and artichokes for the ferryman
and bring the dog to Lily who lives across the river and Lily will reanimate him
Lily will do this using SCIENCE
oh wait sorry i misspoke
I mean MAGIC
what the fuck is science why did I even say that?

so now it’s the next day and the old woman walks over to the river
carrying her magic basket
in which everything becomes incredibly light
EXCEPT VEGETABLES WHICH BECOME RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY
seems like the worst basket to carry vegetables in but hey
if a magic basket is all you’ve got
you use the fuck out of that magic basket
but on the way she sees that giant
remember?
the magic giant with the magic shadow?
well the magic shadow is like HAHA RUINING YOUR DAY
and grabs a bunch of vegetables out of her basket
and eats them
and the woman is like fuuuuuuuck
I don’t have enough vegetables to give the dude now
but this basket is so heavy i don’t want to carry it back to my house
might as well just give the ferryman whatever I’ve got
so she goes over to the river
and the ferryman is there like sup
and the old woman is like vegetables
and the man is like NOT ENOUGH VEGETABLES
and the woman is like well can we have this debt be on layaway
like can I give you these ones and go back and get some more
cause this shit is HEAVY
and the ferryman is like fine
but you gotta make a pact with the river
and the old woman is like what’s the consequences
and the dude is like nothing
IF YOU KEEP YOUR WORD
and the woman is like oh yeah whatever that’s easy
so she goes to shake hands with the river
and WHABAM
her hand comes out all black and shriveled
and she’s like AAAA
I’M SECRETLY RACIST THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO ME
and the dude is like chill out
it’ll get WAYYYY worse if you don’t give me those three vegetables
see it’ll get smaller and smaller
until it finally disappears
but you’ll still have the hand
like
you’ll be able to pick up things and whatever
you’ll just have an INVISIBLE HAND
so the woman
instead of being like SWEET
I CAN USE THIS TO SCARE TODDLERS
is like OH NO OH FUCK WHAT WHAT OH NO
and she goes and runs off and then I guess kind of forgets about it?
because she sees some hot dude in a shiny breastplate fresh off the ferry
and she runs over like hey boy
what’s your story
and the dude is totally sullen and not answering questions and whatever
but then he sees the stone dog in her magic floating basket
and he’s like WHAT’S THAT
and she’s like i’ll show you mine if you tell me yours
your story that is
but actually the guy just whines a whole bunch about how he misses this lily chick
you know
the chick everyone is trying to go see
i guess he’s in love with her or something
and maybe he used to be a king?
it’s never really made clear
but seeing as everybody is either kings or magic or both
pretty safe to assume he’s a king
actually i should tell you
right now this dude isn’t magic at all
but it’s cool because he will be later

ANYWAY
they realize that they’re both going to see Lily
even though this dude JUST came from there
so they start walking together
and GUESS WHAT
who do they run into but those FUCKING WISP DUDES
they’re invisible right now because it is daytime
but that does not stop them from causing a ruckus
so now THEY’RE going along with the chick and the dude too
and they get to this SWEETASS BRIDGE
they are like why did we not notice this bridge before
it is so sweet
you know why they didn’t notice it before?
because it is a magic bridge made out of the green snake
who is all hopped up on gold so she looks super pretty today
but they don’t realize that while they are stomping all over her spine
and it’s only once they’re on the other side that she stops being a bridge
and slithers on over and is like hey guys
i was that bridge
just in case you thought I was a snake who was not magic
nope
totally magic
got bridge powers
just letting you know
so are we gonna go see this lily chick or what?

so they all go to lily’s garden or whatever this place is
and Lily is this super hot chick
who gets hotter when she is sad
and is sad ALL THE TIME
because her magic power is the raddest of all
too rad for one woman to handle:
she can touch people and then they die
also she can touch rocks and they come to life
which is why the woman brought her stone dog there
but for the moment she has totally forgotten about that
and is like HEY LILY DO YOU HAVE ANY VEGETABLES I CAN BORROW
I KINDA OWE A GUY A LOT OF VEGETABLES
and Lily is like shit
good luck
all i got is bigass trees
oh and this dead bird
it was my only friend but it tried to motorboat me and my tits killed it
now i play this harp and cry all the time
and the woman is like TOUCH MY DOG
and Lily is like only if I get to keep it
and the woman is like sure whatever
so BOOM
now there’s this butt-ugly pug and Lily is playing with it having a ball
and she’s like old woman
go take this little bird to your husband and make him use his lamp on it
then i can bring it back to life and have TWO FRIENDS
meanwhile the emo king stumbles in like LILY WHY WON’T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME
WAAAAAA
and he bullrushes her and she sticks out her hand like NO
and kills him
and he falls over and she’s like fuuuuuck
i sure wish I’d been nicer to him NOW
and the snake is like HOLY SHIT LEMME MAKE A MAGIC SNAKECIRCLE AROUND THIS DUDE
IT WILL KEEP HIM FROM DISINTEGRATING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
THAT’S A THING THAT HAPPENS
HOLY FUCK SOMEONE GET THE DUDE WITH THE LAMP
HE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO
and the old woman is like ok guys
we were talking about my hand a second ago
what happened to that
what’s this bullshit
where are my vegetables
and the snake is like BITCH ENOUGH ABOUT YOU
GO GET THE WILL-O-THE-WISPS
aw fuck i went over my hyphen allotment
now i gotta go into debt with a wealthy hyphen-shark
FUCK I DID IT AGAIN
anyway the woman goes to get the wisps
and then what the fuck
BAM
here comes the lamp dude
how did he even get here?
who knows
all anyone knows is that his lamp apparently sparkles when people are in danger
like a bat signal of deus ex machina
and then birds always show up and take him where he needs to be
so now here he is
and he’s like ALRIGHT
GUYS
I GOT THIS
MY LAMP IS BASICALLY CONSTANTLY SHOOTING OUT GENIES AT EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE
I’M SURE THERE’S SOMETHING I CAN DO
and then the wisps show up like how can we help
and the dude is like SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME STUFF THIS GUY IN THIS BASKET
so they take the old woman’s basket and stretch it out and stuff the dude in there
and then they drag everything to the river and the snake conjures a bridge
the bridge isn’t even the snake apparently it’s just a bridge
because the snake has to stay coiled around the basket
what the fuck
but yeah then pretty soon they’re on the other side
and the snake has to sacrifice herself for some reason
she’s all like i’ll sacrifice myself
but you guys gotta gather up all the rocks from the riverbank
and the old man is like seriously?
all the rocks?
why?
and the snake is like i dunno man
i was about to die and I kinda couldn’t think of anything
I choked ok
just get the fucking rocks
and then BAM they’re underground and in that chamber with all those kings
and they’re all super restless
oh yeah there’s some kind of prophecy about all this shit anyway
although I figure in a place with all this magic going on everywhere
prophecies are not that unusual
WEATHER FORECAST TODAY:
PARTLY CLOUDY
CHANCE OF GLOWING SNAKEBRIDGES
METAL KINGS WILL RISE FROM THE EARTH OR WHATEVER

but yeah they’re down there
saying stupid shit to the lantern dude again
and he’s all like THE TIME IS AT HAND
and oh yeah
the composite king is a total asshole
he thinks he’s going to rule over everything
BUT GUESS WHAT COCKMEAT
TURNS OUT DIVERSITY IS NOT APPRECIATED IN GERMAN MYTHS
YOUR ASS GOT EATEN BY WISP DUDES
or at least the gold parts of your ass
whatever the point is he collapses in on himself as he tries to stand up
and it’s pretty gross actually
oh yeah also the old man tells lily to touch the prince
which brings him back to life but he doesn’t have a soul
and that makes her real happy and she hugs the old man
which i thought would kill him
that would have been pretty funny
but nope he’s fine
he’s just TOO FUCKING MAGICAL FOR THIS SHIT
but yeah then the temple rises up out of the earth
and the old dude’s cottage gets trapped inside it I think
and then because of his lamp it turns into sweet silver radness
and they break out somehow
and the whole time the old woman is like WAAAA WHAT ABOUT MY HAND
and at this point the lamp dude is just like BITCH
JUST GO JUMP IN THE RIVER
ALL IS FORGIVEN FOR SOME REASON
I GUESS BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS TIRED OF YOUR WHINING
and then the and then he turns to the soulless king and is like alright prince emo
time to get a soul or something
because the three most important things in life
are Strength, Wisdom, and Charisma
which are represented by these three kings
fuck Dex and Int
go over to those kings and they will give you presents for some reason
so the prince goes over there
and the gold king gives him a sword
and the sliver king gives him a sceptre
and the bronze king gives him a wreath
if I was an immortal metal king about to rise up and rule the world
i would not give these things away
but that is just me I guess
meanwhile
the dead snake becomes a first class suspension bridge all the way across the river
and then the giant wakes up and starts freaking the fuck out
knocking huge crowds of dudes off the bridge with his shadow
and the new king prince dude is about to try and kill the giant
but the old lampman
who apparently knows about ALL THIS SHIT
is just like dude
chill out
and then all the people who were busy crossing the bridge suddenly see this sweetass temple
and they go over to check it out
and they almost trample each other
except then the wisps start shitting gold on everyone and it distracts them
and everyone lives happily ever after
until the lampman’s bat signal goes off again and he has to do more crazy shit

so the moral of the story
is don’t take ferries
they are way overpriced
and you can probably find a snakebridge or a giant shadow for free anyway

THE END

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