okay so today’s myth is brought to you
at the bequest of a very special lady
she is so special that her name is Avalancha “The A is For Excellence” Raptorface
and she wants me to tell a myth about
ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME HERE RAPTORFACE?
fuck it whatever
I’m just going to have to make this simple uplifting myth
as METAL AS POSSIBLE
okay so there’s this motherfucker who calls himself Nanbozho
great job on having a shitty name asshole
every time i hear that name it is like someone is driving a unicycle into my dong
while honking the national anthem on a bike horn and pieing me in the face
WITH LIVE BEES
i don’t know guys I feel like maybe I’m trying too hard
anyway nanbozo is sitting in his idiot shack by this dumbshit waterfall
and one day he wakes up and he is like
THERE IS A PROBLEM
THESE FLOWERS ARE NOT ENOUGH COLORS
TIME TO MAKE EVERYTHING SOOOOOO PRETTTYYYYYY
what the fuck am I supposed to do
this is a myth about a guy PAINTING FLOWERS
and the end result is RAINBOWS
I’m sure if the Michigan indians had known about sparkle ponies and twinklebabies
those would be in here too
but anyway nanbozie grabs his special flower painting paints
and he goes out to paint the FUCK out of these flowers
which honestly are pretty drab
i mean they’re all just this kind of off-white
like an eggshell white
but leaning a little bit more towards beige
AHHH SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME
I DON’T GIVE A SHAGGY SCREAMING FUCK ABOUT COLORS
okay but uh
so he’s painting the flowers
he paints all the violets violet
and the venus flytraps and the piranha plants he paints green and red
and the pansies he paints EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW
except there aren’t rainbows yet so I guess HE CAN’T DO THAT NOW CAN HE
but anyway this dude apparently has some kind of serious ocd
because he is painting EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FLOWER
EVEN THE REALLY BORING ONES LIKE DAISIES
DAISIES ARE JUST WHITE WITH YELLOW IN THE MIDDLE
DID HE JUST RUN OUT OF IDEAS?
WAS HE GOING FOR SOME KIND OF NOVEAU MINIMALISM?
WHAT THE HELL IS NOVEAU MINIMALISM
DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS NOVEAU IF THIS IS A FUCKING CREATION MYTH?
enter: two asshole birds
not like they’re gonna be crows or dragons or anything
and these bluebirds are just having SUCH A GOOD TIME
THAT EVERYONE ELSE’S GOOD TIMES ARE AT RISK
like when you are in line at the supermarket
and you start moshing
except in this case
what these birds are doing
is repeatedly divebombing nanbizza’s paints
trying as hard as they can to punch each other in their little bluebird hearts
THIS IS A FUN GAME THAT BLUEBIRDS PLAY
but so yeah nanabobo is like HEY STOP THAT YOU CRAZY KIDS
GET OUTTA HERE
and the birds are like fuck fine
you sure are crabby for a dude who paints flowers
and they leave
but not before getting totally covered in all manner of paint
so they leave and now suddenly they are the main fucking characters
these two dumbshit birds with no respect for personal space or property
these are our protagonists
so they’re all covered in paint so they’re like LET’S TAKE A SHOWER
TOO BAD SHOWERS HAVEN’T BEEN INVENTED YET
GUESS WE GOTTA USE WATERFALLS
so they go over to the waterfall
but then instead of taking a shower
they decide to just start dive bombing each other
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WATERFALL
now i don’t know about you guys
but i think watching two tiny birds get beat down by a fucking waterfall
would be HILARIOUS
unfortunately that is not what happens
is that all the paint gets washed off these fuckers
IN PERFECT SEQUENCE
wait for it
A MOTHERFUCKING RAINBOWWWWWW
And nanbazilla looks up at the rainbow and he’s like
RAINBOWS FOR EVERYBODY
and from then on everybody gets rainbows
so the moral of the story
is if you just go around throwing paint on animals
maybe god will run out of ideas for natural phenomena and just use your shit
and even if he doesn’t at least you get to throw paint on animals
SO LITTLE DEATH AND SO MANY RAINBOWS but i will be naming my children nanzoboshokoksh
OH my goodness…
This was the best end of a birthday that a lady can have. The rainbows were so metal that they impregnated 10,000 virgins, and made god look like a pansy for only impregnating one. Soon you will have an army of virgins and children to be your fangirls, and give you more clicks, and give you food forever. Point being, you are awesome, and this made my night 😀
everytime i see the word 'virgin' on this site I can't help but think of Loki spreading his pissflaps for the superhorse. Cuz there was a virgin in that story. It's a long bow. Maybe i just like thinking about cosplay horse-sex.
ps LOKASENNA LOKASENNA DO THE LOKASENNA OR FACE FURTHER HARASSMENT
Hold your funky junk horses Bjork.
You already know how awesome you made your myth by now so I will instead mention that I got the crossdressing shirt and it looks even more FANTASTICALLY DELICIOUS in person than I could have imagined.
Also, guess who convinced a friend to buy one of your loki-diagramn shirts? ;D
You did the best you could with what you were given.
golem of prague plz 😀 this was winning
I read this on the bus to work and started laughing my face off at MOTHERFUCKING RAINBOOOWWSS!
AWKWARD STARES ABOUND!
But so worth it. Omg too funny
Somewhere Bob Ross is rolling over in his grave for not coming up with the idea to paint animals. Instead he painted trees. I bet they aren't so happy now. Hmm?
LOL each new post makes my day X-D
So… wait a minute! The leprechauns came after this? Or were they before just walking around with their pot o'gold and didn't know where to put it? They tried under their beds, but it made them really uncomfortable; they also hid it in the fridge, but it's gold, so it was easy to see the shine even if they were under the vegs; finally they went to the bank (economical oppression has always existed, right?) and the people in charge didn't accept the gold because it was fae gold and they were "The moment we blink, they'll turn into dead leaves, or rocks or cookies… this last one wouldn't be so bad, but cookies don't cost the same as gold"
And the leprechauns were like "No we wouldn't"
"Yes you would"
"No we wouldn't"
"Yes you would" and they called security to escort them outside; so, they saw the bird incident (don't know if it was just outside the bank, though) and decided to teach us greedy banker humans a don't-fucking-mess-with-Irish-fae lesson, hence monopolizing the rainbow industry forever! 😮
Or maybe I'm just overthinking it :/
Hey, rainbows are totally metal. Just ask Ronnie James Dio.
Also – you are now the #2 results in Google when searching for "Nanbozho". So… good for you? Now all those people that crave Native American folklore will discover your site. YOU'LL SOON BE SWIMMING IN EARLY AMERICAN MYTHS MY FRIEND.