Fuck you too, Hans Christian Andersen

What the fuck is wrong with this guy
Seriously
So far the lessons we have learned from Hans Christian Assersen are as follows:
you need to be a horrible bitch to succeed in life
and then old men will rape you in your sleep
TWO FOR TWO THERE HANS OLD BUDDY
but the story I’m about to tell you not only takes the cake
it bakes a second cake just to videotape itself farting into it

so there’s this duck right
she can talk
OF COURSE
man just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characters
where the animals CAN’T talk
watch I’ll write one right now
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK
“QUACK” SAID THE DUCK
THEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREAD
man okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duck
she has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over them
and then they all hatch
and look at all these adorable baby ducks
holy shit these ducks are fine
they are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troy
or narcissus and HIMSELF
but there’s one duck
who is more like if someone tried to make a salad
out of shit
yeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shame
and the momma duck is like uh whoa
how did that come out of me
I guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked up
anything could have happened
but damn

but it’s okay
because as ugly as this duck is
his ass can SWIM
he can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducks
but oh wait did I say it was okay?
I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first time
all the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLY
GET OUT OF OUR FARM
and then his mom is like well son
you know what they say
true beauty is on the inside
so either you can leave right now
or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homeless
a couple days old and fucking homeless
he wanders around until he gets to the marshes
and he runs into some geese
and the geese are like yo what up uggo
come be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuck
in fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing later
there’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTED
maybe you will get lucky
a little interspecies romance never hurt anyone
except maybe the mutant offspring
and the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DIS
when all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
THAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THERE
and then the other goose gets shot
and the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swamp
waiting to die
and a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITE
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and runs away
and the duck is like well that’s cool I guess
still traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking storm
and the duck takes refuge in a farmhouse
the farmhouse is full of three things:
a blind old woman
a hen that is as stupid as two hens
and an insufferable cat
and the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCK
I HOPE IT LAYS EGGS
but of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggs
because he is a dude
so then the hen and the cat start talking shit
the cat’s like BOY YOU USELESS
BETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIME
WORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOU
and the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or something
and the duck is like fuck this I’m out of here
and that works out pretty well for him
because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty cold
and the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sources
but then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVED
some farmer finds him passed out in a ditch
and takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kids
but what’s this?
turns out kids are assholes
they basically just start punching the duck in the head again and again
and he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THIS
I’M DOUBLE OUT OF HERE
and breaks a bunch of dishes and escapes
INTO THE DEAD OF WINTER
he sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join them
so instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUT
WHAT
HOW DOES HE SURVIVE?
this is one lonely-ass duckling
in the middle of the goddamn wilderness
with no food and all the water is frozen
and it is snowing and he has no shelter
guys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winter
it’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTER
but whatever
apparently he doesn’t die
maybe he chews off one of his own legs or something
in fact yeah
we’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legs
and huddles inside it for warmth?
sure
so then he survives the winter somehow
and the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond again
and there are more of those fucking swans
and at this point this duck’s mind is completely gone
he’s been abandoned by his family
he saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of him
he’s been physically abused by children
and he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winter
there’s no coming back from that
so when he sees some swans chilling out in the pond
he is like well
I really wanna go over to them
but they’ll kill me because i’m so ugly
but you know what
fuck it
better to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my life
yo swans whats up
kill me
and the swans are like what?
no way dude you are totally a swan!
and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re right
and then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERE
LOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE IS
PRETTIEST SWAN EVER
and from then on the swan’s life is great
despite severe psychological damage
because now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the story
is to all you ugly people out there
you better hope to god you’re just a late bloomer
because otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to death
while your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

Thanks, Hans Christian Andersen.

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She-Who-Lives-Alone is a pretty sad name for a little girl

Okay short myth today
but don’t worry
it is heartwarming as FUCK

alright so there’s this chick named “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
no she is not some kind of rad lone wolf chick
with a belt full of shells and nothing to lose
who don’t need no man and bites the heads off snakes
no no no
she’s this little-ass orphan chick
who is part of a tribe of Comanche indians somewhere in texas
see there’s a drought and her parents starved to death
and as a result her name is actually officially changed to “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
that’s fucked up
that’s like if I got my dick chopped off in a car accident
and so everyone decided to change my name to “He-Who-Ain’t-Got-No-Dick”
great guys
way to rub it in
like every time you need me to pass the salt and you’re like
HEY HE-WHO-AIN’T-GOT-NO-DICK COULD YOU PASS ME SOME FUCKING SALT PLEASE
like THANK YOU SIR I KNOW I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
EVERYONE KNOWS I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
AT LEAST COME UP WITH A SHORTER NICKNAME FOR ME
LIKE DICKSY OR SOMETHING
THAT AT LEAST SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A REAL NAME
FUCK
so yeah She-Who-Lives-Alone
fuck that

but anyway i mentioned there was a drought right?
yeah shit’s pretty fucked up
everyone is kind of worried that they are going to die
so worried in fact that a bunch of the elders go up to the top of a mountain
and they’re like OY
GREAT SPIRIT
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
WE KNOW YOU ARE JUST SITTING ON A WHOLE WAREHOUSE OF FUCKING RAIN
HOW ABOUT LOOSENING THE PURSE STRINGS A LITTLE BIT
and the Great Spirit is like sure dudes no problem
yall just gotta each set fire to your most prized posession
no biggie right
and the elders are like BUT GREAT SPIRIT
WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO THAT
WE HAVE ALREADY LOST LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERS
THERE’S THIS ONE CHICK
WE HAD TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SHE-WHO-LIVES-ALONE
WE CALL HER ORPHANS MCGEE FOR SHORT
IT’S PRETTY SAD
WHY WOULD YOU ASK US TO SET FIRE TO A BUNCH OF OUR POSESSIONS ON TOP OF THAT?
and the great spirit is like oh man
this rain feels so good all over my divine radiance
and the elders are like OK POINT TAKEN
HEY EVERYONE WE MADE A FIRE
COME SET FIRE TO YOUR SHIT

so Orphans Mcgee is pretty conflicted over this
because on the one hand she wants there to be rain so that everybody doesn’t die
but on the other hand
she owns exactly one thing
and that is a doll her grandmother gave her
shortly before dying
just like everyone else in her family
and this doll is like top of the line
it’s got berry juice all over its face
and a bunch of blue feathers stapled to its head
it is a pretty sweet doll guys i’m not gonna lie
and Orphans Mcgee is lying in her tent thinking fuck
does the great spirit actually want this doll
like what the hell is he going to do with it
what do you need dolls for when you’re fucking omnipotent
but on the other hand
my spider sense tells me that the great spirit is a huge asshole
who just wants to see a bunch of shit catch on fire
I guess I’d better burn my only posession
otherwise we’re all gonna die

so she goes out to the fire in the middle of the night
and she’s like alright great spirit
you win
go fuck yourself
and she throws in her doll
and she hangs out by the fire all night
and when it dies down she throws some ashes in the air
and then she goes to bed

and when she wakes up in the morning THERE’S FLOWERS EVERYWHERE
MOTHERFUCKING BLUEBONNETS ALL OVER THE HILLS AND SHIT
and everyone is like OH SNAP THANK YOU GREAT SPIRIT
I MEAN WE ASKED FOR RAIN BUT THIS IS COOL TOO I GUESS
and then somehow they figure out that this is all because of Orphans Mcgee
I guess because the flowers are the same color as her doll’s feathers
and they’re like ALRIGHT GIRL
YOU GET A NEW NAME
YOUR NEW NAME IS SHE-WHO-DEARLY-LOVES-HER-PEOPLE
NO MATTER THAT THE REST OF US PROBABLY SACRIFICED PRETTY VALUABLE SHIT
BECAUSE WE’RE NOT TINY FUCKING ORPHANS WHO ONLY OWN ONE THING
NAW GIRL THIS ALL COMES DOWN TO YOU
and She-who-dearly-loves-her-people is like well that’s great
but can I get a shorter name that is possible to use in daily conversation
and everyone’s like NOPE
and the girl is like ok
and then i assume everyone dies of thirst
because none of the versions I read say ANYTHING ABOUT RAIN

so the moral of the story
is it doesn’t matter if you’re Greek or Christian or Comanche
everyone can come together in the common knowledge
that god is a dick

THE END.

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Esther Must Be Really Good at Sex

Alright so shakespeare time is over
FOR NOW
I did like doing it a lot it was just very labor intensive
you can count on more from that immortal bard in the future

what you get instead
is a myth that is dedicated to a chick named Esther “Gorilla Killa” Godzilla
she is having a birthday like RIGHT NOW
or at least at some point in the near future or past
and so I guess I should talk about someone really legit who shares her first name

but our story does not begin with Esther
our story actually begins with some guy
no big deal
just KING ACHASHVAIROSH
he’s king of basically everything it is possible to be king of
all the way from india to ethiopia
pretty respectable
too bad King Achasvairosh is in no way a respectable dude
see he’s having a party, right?
and his wife, Queen Vashti, is also having a party
King Achasvairosh’s party is what we might call a sausage party
and Queen Vashti’s would be more akin to a fish taco fiesta
so things get a little out of hand at the king’s party
as sausage parties tend to do
and the King is like GUYS
GUYS
WHO WANTS TO SEE MY WIFE NAKED?
and everyone is like YEAHHHHHHHHHH GET SOME TITS IN HERE
and the king is like OK I’LL CALL HER
so he calls up his wife like OY WIFE
GET IN HERE
you can wear a crown but you cannot wear ANYTHING ELSE
and the queen is like well uh
no
and the king is like WHAT
GUYS SHE SAID NO
WHAT DO I DO NOW
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW???
and his advisors are like dude chill out
just divorce her
get a sluttier wife
problem solved
and the king is like AWRIGHT
but i have a strict no fatties policy
so i gotta hire this eunuch named Hegei
GUARDIAN OF THE WOMEN
(which would be a pretty sweet gig
if he wasn’t
you know
a eunuch)
to gather virgins from ALLLL OVER THE PLACE
and pretty em up
and THEN i will decide who i want to make the sex with

so true to form, Hegei gathers an assload of hot chicks
and one of them is this broad named Esther
she is the cousin of this dude Mordecai
who is pretty cool but we will talk more about him later
right now what’s important is that Esther is a jew
and she gets her ass dragged out to the palace
and then they proceed to apply perfume to her
FOR A YEAR
what are they marinating her in perfume?
I guess they kinda have to since no one has figured out showers yet
everyone probably smells like a dogshit souffle

so after that year of intense cosmetics
Esther finally gets to meet the king
and the king is like OW
I JUST POPPED A BONER SO HARD IT CAME OFF
PLEASE GLUE IT BACK ON WITH YOUR MOUTH
and then they get married!
and also Mordecai gets promoted to one of the king’s ministers or something
i guess he’s a minister
he hangs out in front of the gate though so i dunno what kind of minister he is
minister of homelessness?

anyway at one point mordecai is just chilling by the gate
when he hears some guards all like MAN WE HATE THE KING SOOOOO MUCH
BETTER GO POISON HIM
and Mordecai is like uh hey king
you might want to look into these guards you hired
they are not very good guards
and the king is like RIGHT YOU ARE and has them killed and the day is saved
and then the king is like GREAT WORK MORDECAI
SOMEONE’S DUE FOR A PROMOTION
AND THAT SOMEONE IS…
HAMAN, DESTROYER OF JEWS
and Mordecai is like uh hey
why did you promote the destroyer of jews all of a sudden for no reason
and Haman is like WATCH AND LEARN JEWFACE
I SEE YOU DIDN’T BOW DOWN TO ME WHEN I GOT PROMOTED
WHAT IS THAT SOME RELIGIOUS THING?
and Mordecai is like uh yes actually
and Haman is like THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD REASON TO KILL YOU
BUT I CAN’T JUSTIFY GETTING MY MURDERING IMPLEMENTS OUT IF I’M JUST KILLING ONE DUDE
NOPE
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
GENOCIDE!!!

so then Haman goes to the king and he’s like yo king
i’ll pay you ten thousand bucks if you let me kill all the jews
and the king is like keep the money whatever who gives a shit
oh god esther that feels so good don’t stop
so Haman puts the word out that in a couple weeks everyone is supposed to kill jews
EVERYWHERE
we’re talking about every scrap of land between India and Ethiopia
and apparently that whole stretch of nonsense is CRAWLING with jews
because Mordecai is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT THIS
so he goes to Esther like hey
remember how I told you not to tell the king you were a jew?
and Esther is like ayup
and Mordecai is like now might be a good time to tell the king you’re a jew
and Esther is like don’t worry pops
I’ve got a plan in mind that will make this WAY more complicated than it needs to be

so Esther goes to the king and the king’s like ESTHER
JUST THE TITS I WANTED TO SEE
WHAT’S SHAKIN’, SUGARGUNS
and Esther’s like hey king can i ask a favor
and the king is like ANYTHING YOU WANT MY LITTLE SEX WAFFLE
and Esther is like ok I want you to come have dinner with me tonight
and bring Haman
that’s what I want
and the king is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so they have dinner that night
and Esther is very pleasant
and the king is like ALRIGHT ESTHER SERIOUSLY
ANYTHING YOU WANT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
(please say more freaky shit in bed
oh god please come on more freaky shit in bed)
and Esther is like all I want
is for you to come to another dinner party I’m throwing tomorrow night
you too, Haman
and the king and Haman are both like well ok
cya tomorrow

so Haman is feeling pretty good about himself for getting invited to dinner
but on the way out through the gate he sees Mordecai
and Mordecai pisses him off SOOOO MUCH just by existing
that he can’t sleep until he builds a huge-ass gallows to hang him on
and then he goes back to the castle to get the king to have Mordecai hung
but that is a stupid plan
wanna know why?
because during a bout of insomnia that night
the king decides to go through the old court records
and remembers how back in the day Mordecai totally kept him from being poisoned
and the king is like hot damn what kind of reward did Mordecai get for that?
and his advisors are like uh
nothing
you were too busy promoting Haman, the destroyer of jews
and just then Haman shows up about to be like HEY DUDE LET’S HANG MORDECAI
and the king is like hey Haman
I need some advice
if I really wanted to honor the shit out of someone, what should I do?
and Haman, who cannot imagine anyone getting honored besides himself
is like WELL I’D GIVE HIM A TON OF FANCY CLOTHES
AND A SWEET HORSE
AND HAVE SOME NOBLE LEAD HIM THROUGH TOWN SAYING “THIS GUY IS SO GREAT”
and the king is like oh man I love the way you think
go do that to Mordecai
and Haman is like MORDECAIIIIII
(next time you get really frustrated
I suggest looking up at the sky and bellowing MORDECAIIIIII
it really helps)

so but then the next day Haman and the king show up to dinner at Esther’s place again
and the king is like OK SERIOUSLY HONEY
I KNOW YOU DON’T JUST WANT DINNER
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO FOR YOU?
DOES IT PERCHANCE INVOLVE BEING
SHALL I SAY
FREAKY IN BED?
and Esther is like well no
it has to do with i’m a jew and you should kill Haman and reverse his decree
and the king is like whoa shit Haman made a decree?
fuck yeah reverse that shit
chop his goddamn head off who gives a shit
oh god that feels so good esther don’t stop
and Haman is like how are you executing me and getting a blowjob SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the king is like I DUNNO BUT I SHOULD TOTES DO IT MORE OFTEN

so yeah Haman gets hung on the gallows he built for Mordecai
and Mordecai takes his house
and then they send out a letter to all the jews everywhere
telling them to murder the fuck out of the guys who Haman sent to murder them
so they do
they kill like 75 thousand people
including all ten of Haman’s sons
and then everyone is fucking terrified of the jews
and NO ONE EVER FUCKS WITH THEM AGAIN
NEVER EVER
oh and also that shit gets celebrated every year now
that’s what that Purim shit is all about

so the moral of the story
is if you want to save your people from extinction
find a king and start passing out blowjobs
the future is in your hands
(and mouth
and maybe on your face a little)

the end.

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The Taming of the Shrew is Just the Right Amount of Ludicrously Sexist

so a guy walks out of a bar, right?

he’s threatening the management, and the management is threatening him
he broke a bunch of glasses and is refusing to pay
then he vomits and falls down
OFF TO A GOOD START SHAKESPEARE

so the owner of the bar goes to get the cops
and meanwhile some rich dude shows up after a long day of murdering animals
and he’s like oh man a drunk dude
fuck guys let’s prank the shit out of him
and everyone is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSS
and the lord is like ok here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna kidnap him
and we’re gonna dress him up real nice
and we’re gonna give him a bunch of servants
and a whole ton of really delicious food
and we are going to tell him he has just been hallucinating being homeless
for like SEVEN YEARS
and he was actually mega rich all along
and everyone is like wow
that’s not so much a prank as the plot for a reality show
but you’re the boss
let’s do this

so they do this
and the dude
whose name is Sly by the way
wakes up and starts demanding booze
and they’re like YES HAVE SOME EXPENSIVE LIQUORS
and he’s like FUCK THAT I WANT REAL PEOPLE BOOZE
and they’re like BUT YOU’RE NOT REAL PEOPLE YOU’RE ROYALTY
and he’s like FUCK ROYALTY I WANNA GET TRASHED
and they’re like you have a hot wife
and he’s like ROYALTY ALL THE WAY BABY
BRING IN THE TITS BRIGADE
so they let in his wife
who is actually just some pageboy in disguise
and the pageboy comes in and Sly is like HEY BABY I HOPE YOU WORE YOUR SEXIN’ CLOTHES
BY WHICH I MEAN NO CLOTHES AT ALL I GUESS
and the pageboy is like uh well
the doctor said we can’t bone for like a couple days
and in the meanwhile we have some people who have come here to perform a play!
isn’t that great?!
and Sly is like yeah ok i guess

so then the rest of the play is the play the actors put on for Sly
SERIOUSLY
like i already told you about hamlet
where instead of killing his uncle like a real man
hamlet puts on a play about killing his uncle
and I told you about Midsummer night’s dream
where a good third of the play is spent watching some idiots rehearse a fucking play
but this right here is the king shit of frame narrative mountain
the play within this play is SO DISTENDED
IT HAS TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE PLAY
THINK YOU’RE EVER GONNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO SLY?
NOPE
SORRY ASSHOLES
SHAKESPEARE DECIDED TWO SCENES IN THAT HE IS WRITING A DIFFERENT PLAY NOW
AND YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH IT

so this play is called the taming of the shrew all of a sudden
and it starts with two dudes showing up in Mantua
which is in italy
which shakespeare is for some reason fascinated with
and these dudes are called Tranio and Lucentio
they get to come on stage first
because they are pretty much the only people in the play who don’t suck
so they’re shooting the shit and whatever
when all of a sudden here comes like a million more people
there’s Bianca
who is super hot and pretty much totally great in every way
Katherina
who is such a huge bitch that it’s a plot point
Baptista
who is their father and also kind of a huge idiot
and Hortensio and Gremio who both want to bang the shit out of Bianca
understandably

so Hortensio and Gremio are both busy trying to convince Baptista to give them Bianca
and Baptista is all like NAH BROS
NOT GONNA MARRY OFF BIANCA UNTIL SOMEONE MARRIES HER UNMARRIABLE OLDER SISTER
KATHERINA, QUEEN OF THE BITCH NAVY
and Hortensio and Gremio are all like fuck man
seriously?
why would you do that
are you trying to get one of us to agree to be a wingman
and like take one for the team?
because fuck that
we both like our nuts a whole lot
and having them attached to our bodies is a high priority
so no sir
we are not going to man up
and put our dicks at the mercy of your castrating ice priestess
and Baptista is like well shit
looks like no one is happy
and Katherina is like DAMN RIGHT NO ONE’S HAPPY
YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
and Baptista is like well in the meantime
I am hiring a ton of really great tutors for my daughters
because i am assuming they are going to be single for a very long time
so if you know any tutors you should def hit me up
and then he and his daughters leave
and Gremio and Hortensio are all like fuuuuuuck
who the fuck is gonna marry that twank and open the floodgates to hot chick central
welp
better go find some idiot to do it for us
so then THEY leave

so Lucentio and Tranio have watched this whole thing take place
and Lucentio turns to Tranio and he’s like dude
dude
I totally want to bang Bianca
can you help me with this?
and Tranio is like no doubt bro
that is what bros are for and I am the most broful bro that ever bro’d a bro like you
bro
so here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna disguise you as a super legit tutor
and get Baptista to hire you
and then you can bang the shit out of Bianca no problem
eh? eh?
and Lucentio is like okay I like the way you think man
but who is going to pretend to be me while I’m pretending to be a tutor?
that is super important for some reason
and Tranio is like DUH BRO
I AM GOING TO PRETEND TO BE YOU
and I am gonna get baptista to agree to marry Bianca to me
but it’s cool because I’m gonna be pretending to be you
so really he will be agreeing to marry Bianca to YOU
and you’re gonna be banging her already so it’s not like she’s gonna say no
and Lucentio is like fuck that’s brilliant
quick
exchange clothes with me
and then Lucentio’s servant shows up and gives them shit about it
but that’s okay
that guy’s only job in the play is to piss everyone off
literally everyone
ALL THE TIME

so meanwhile Katherina and Bianca are yelling at each other
Bianca is like SIS I AM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
AND YOUR ARCTIC-ASS LOINS ARE A SERIOUS IMPEDIMENT TO THIS
and Katherina is like MAN I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING WITH A COCK AND BALLS
INSTANTLY MAGNETIZES TOWARDS YOUR LEAKY MEATPOUCH
and Bianca is like WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T THE ARCHFIEND OF BITCH ISLAND
YOU MIGHT GET SOME MANLOVE AS WELL
and Katherina is like HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE I AM ONLY LIKE THIS
BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO BANG ME?
which brings us back to the age old question
which came first
the chicken or the HUUUUGE BITCH

so meanwhile Hortensio hits up his critically insane pal Petruchio
who shows up at Hortensio’s door beating the shit out of his own servant
over a fucking syntactical error
and Hortensio is like yo bro
I called you here because I know you will fuck anything with money
and i found a chick with SO MUCH MONEY who no one else will fuck
and Petruchio is like SIGN ME UP I DON’T EVEN GIVE A FUCK
and Hortensio is like man also
I really want to bang Baptista’s other daughter Bianca
so when you go to try and hook up with Katherina
I am going to disguise myself as a music teacher
and then I want you to present me to Baptista
and he will present me to Bianca
and I will present Bianca WITH MY PENIS
and Petruchio is like GENIUS
and then Gremio shows up like wassup guys
I sure hope everyone is trying to win Bianca’s hand honestly like I am
look I brought a scholar who I am going to give to Baptista
as a kind of a bribe to get Bianca to bang me
BUT PLOT TWIST GUYS
THE SCHOLAR HE HAS IS ACTUALLY LUCENTIO
WHAAAAAT

so yeah then everyone shows up and gives completely unqualified teachers to Baptista
and Baptista accepts them totally unquestioningly
and also some books from Tranio
who remember
is pretending to be Lucentio
and is asking for Bianca’s hand in marriage
even though NEITHER HE NOR THE REAL LUCENTIO HAVE EVER ACTUALLY MET HER
YEP GUYS SHE MUST HAVE SOME GRAPPLING HOOKS FOR TITS
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE DUDES TRY AND GET UP ONS

but then Katherina shows up
and everyone’s like oh shit here comes the bitchstorm and they leave
except for Petruchio who’s like AWRIGHT LESS DO DIS
and then he and Katherina prepare to have the most EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIME
it’s so epic you really had to be there
the closest I can come to rendering it in its original form is:
KATE: YOU’RE A STOOL
PETRUCHIO: SIT ON MY FACE
KATE: I’M TOO FAT
PETRUCHIO: YOU’RE A BEE! BUZZZZZ.
KATE: YOU’RE A BUZZ. A BUZZ-ARD! ZING!
PETRUCHIO: TURTLE!
KATE: MORE BEES!
PETRUCHIO: LET’S MAKE OUT!
and then Kate smacks him

so obviously Petruchio decides that they need to get married on Sunday
and everyone comes back into the room because the screaming has died down
and Petruchio’s like GUESS WHAT GUYS
WE’RE GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY!
and Kate is like what the fuck
no
and Petruchio is like aw honey don’t be coy
you were totally into it when we were alone just a moment ago
and Kate is like NO NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTMARES WHERE NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU
AND THEN YOU’RE NAKED AND SOMEONE HAS NAILED YOU TO A CUCUMBER
and Petruchio is like that’s my Katherina alright
and for some reason no one sees any problem with this
and Petruchio goes off to get some clothes for the wedding
and Kate freaks the fuck out and goes to her room
and then Gremio is like hey Baptista
can I marry your daughter?
I’ve kinda been trying real hard for a long time
and it seems like it might finally work out
and Tranio is like hey Baptista
I’ll pay you twice as much for your daughter as whatever Gremio pays
and Baptista is like SOLD
and Gremio is like aww

but so anyway then the real Lucentio is EXACTLY where he wants to be
but the problem is
so is Hortensio
although Hortensio manages to begin his tenure as music professor
by getting a guitar broken over his head by Katherina
so okay she’s kind of a huge bitch but she is also a born rockstar
but then immediately after that Hortensio and Lucentio
(Lucentio’s codename is Cambio by the way)
are bitching each other out over who gets to tutor Bianca first
and bianca’s all GUYS
GUYS
I’M A GROWN-ASS WOMAN
I CAN PICK MY TUTORS MYSELF
so cambio gets to teach me greek right now
while the music teacher guy tunes his instrument
and Lucentio’s like YESSSSS

so Hortensio goes to tune his violin or whatever it is
and Lucentio and Bianca go over to the other side of the stage
and Lucentio starts translating latin to her
only he’s not translating latin
he’s just saying latin
and then saying whatever the fuck he wants afterwards
all like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
I AM LUCENTIO AND CAN WE BANG YET?
and Hortensio’s all HEY I’M DONE TUNING
and Bianca’s like YOU STILL SOUND LIKE SHIT
TUNE THAT SHIT SOME MORE
and then she’s like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WE’VE NEVER EVEN MET
and Lucentio is like oh man i’ll change that around real soon
and Hortensio is like SERIOUSLY I’M DONE TUNING
and then he starts giving Bianca a lesson
and tries the SAME BULLSHIT BUT WITH MUSIC
and Bianca is having none of it
although I imagine this whole thing is another HUUUUGE boost to her ego
basically the upshot of it is no one gets laid
and Hortensio and Lucentio both suspect each other
of doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOING
so that’s cool

NOW IT IS SUNDAY ALL OF A SUDDEN
everyone is waiting for Petruchio to show up
but he’s not there
and then his shitty servant shows up like oy
Petruchio is on his way
but uh
you’re not gonna like it
he’s kind of dressed like a trashbag covered in vomit and poverty
and Baptista is like WHAT THE FUCK NO WAY
and then here comes Petruchio
looking like he drove a bargain dumptruck through the ugly store
then ran himself over with the truck
and everyone is like DUDE PLEASE BORROW MY CLOTHES
DON’T GET MARRIED LOOKING LIKE THIS
PLEASE DUDE BE REASONABLE
and Petruchio is like REASONABLE?
HAVE I EVER
EVER
DONE ANYTHING TO SUGGEST THAT I AM A REASONABLE PERSON?
COME ON TOOTS LET’S GET MARRIED
and then he marries Katherina
who is understandably upset about everything that is happening
and then immediately after the wedding Petruchio is like OK WELL THAT WAS NICE
NOW WE ARE LEAVING
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FAMILY KATHERINA OH TOO LATE HERE WE GO
and Katherina is like hey whoa fuck no
we’re staying
and Petruchio is like hm
NOPE
and then he just kind of drags her away with him
and thus begins an all-out campaign of intense psychological warfare
conducted by Petruchio on his new wife
like on the way back to his place
he knocks over Kate’s horse
then beats his servant for letting it fall over
allowing the horse to remain on his wife
then they walk home through the snow and Petruchio immediately starts screaming
at EVERYTHING
screaming and hitting people and flinging food everywhere
he is just such a perfect bastard
that there is literally no time left over for Katherina to be a bitch
plus Petruchio is starving her and depriving her of sleep
literally
he is doing things that are specifically banned in the geneva convention
pretty sure
he straight WILL NOT GIVE HER MEAT
and he sits up every night
so that whenever she falls asleep he can just start SCREAMING UNTIL SHE WAKES UP
THIS IS STRAIGHT HORRIFIC TORTURE
THIS IS NOT A COMEDY ANYMORE THIS IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

Meanwhile back in Mantua
Hortensio has gone to Tranio
(who he still thinks is Lucentio)
to tattle on the real Lucentio for being all over Bianca
so they go and spy on Lucentio
and he’s totally laying the charm on as thick as extra chunky peanut butter
the peanut butter of LOVE
and Hortensio is like look at that
look at all that love butter
that’s disgusting
I can’t believe I was ever into that chick
Dude Lucentio
let’s make a deal
I will promise to never bang Bianca
if you make me the same promise
and Tranio is like YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
by the way I keep really wanting to write Tranio’s name as Traino
but anyway then Hortensio goes off to try and marry some rich widow
and Lucentio’s servant shows up like HEY
I GOT A GUY WHO CAN FRAUDULENTLY IMPERSONATE YOUR DAD
I DON’T REMEMBER WHY WE NEED THAT BUT I GOT IT
and Traino is like SWEET
TIME TO DO MORE SHIFTY BULLSHIT
and he goes and convinces this old dude to pretend to be Lucentio’s dad Vincentio

meanwhile Katherina is trying really hard to get some food
she is starving to death and the sleep deprivation doesn’t help either
god this is just an orgy of horror
let’s talk about something else

so Baptista shows up to Lucentio’s house
and Tranio is there with the old dude pretending to be his dad
all like YEAH TOTALLY LUCENTIO CAN DEF MARRY BIANCA
FINE BY ME
and Baptista
who you may have noticed
is INSANELY GULLIBLE
is like sweet let’s do it tomorrow
seriously you could make a shit sandwich
just bread and shit
and you could give it to Baptista and be like hey Baptista
I made you a sandwich
I can vouch for this sandwich
you should put it in your mouth
and he’d be like YES SIR IMMEDIATELY WHAT COULD GO WRONG

okay now we HAVE to cut back to Kate and Petruchio
there’s plot stuff going on
because now they’re headed back to Mantua
along with Hortensio
(who is hoping Petruchio will teach him to brutally dominate HIS new wife)
and they’re riding along and Petructio is like BOY
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FULL MOON WE GOT GOING ON TONIGHT
and Kate is like dude what the fuck it’s like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG BITCH
WRONG
WHAT TIME IS IT
and Kate is like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG AGAIN
GUESS WHAT TITS MCGEE
WE ARE NOT GOING A STEP CLOSER TO YOUR HOME AND FAMILY UNTIL YOU AGREE IT’S NIGHT
and Kate is like ok fine it’s 10PM
and Petructio is like BZZZZT
WRONGGGG
IT’S 10AM TWANKSHANKS ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND
and Kate is like FUCK FINE WHATEVER
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY
I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE
I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN WEEKS AND I THINK I AM DEAD
and Petruchio is like NOW WE’RE TALKIN’
and then they run into the actual Vincentio on the way to mantua
which just adds another wrinkle to the venerable penis that is this fucking plot

so then they all arrive in Mantua
and Lucentio has just run off to go get secretly married to Bianca
or like
sort of secretly married
I mean it was Lucentio who Baptista agreed to let marry his daughter
and now it is Lucentio who has snuck over to the church in the middle of the night
where the priest is waiting for him
and some witnesses also
and marrying Bianca
honestly I don’t know why the whole thing with the fake dad and Traino was necessary
probably just for laughs
but anyway while Lucentio is getting married Petruchio and Kate
and Hortensio and the REAL Vincentio
all show up to Lucentio’s house
and they’re like OY
WHERE LUCENTIO AT
and the old dude pretending to be Vincentio sticks his head out the window like
SHUT THE FUCK UP GO AWAY
and Vincentio is like BUT I’M HIS DAD
and the old dude is like NO ME
and then Traino shows up like oh shit we’re fucked
better continue the charade for as long as possible
so he starts yelling at Vincentio like YO OLD MAN STOP PRETENDING TO BE MY DAD
and Vincentio is like TRANIO YOU AREN’T EVEN MY SON WHAT ARE YOU DOING
so Tranio calls the cops and has Vincentio arrested
and then Lucentio shows up with Baptista and Bianca like dudes chill out
I married Bianca everything is fine
let me explain the thick syrup of lies I have been feeding everyone for weeks
and Baptista and Vincentio are like well shit
I guess that works out
still gonna beat the shit out of Triano though

so but then everyone has dinner together and parties it up hard
even the widow Hortensio married shows up
she’s a huge bitch to him and he has no idea what to do about it
and then she gets into a fight with Katherina and they almost murder each other
and all the dudes are like CAT FIGHT CAT FIGHT YESSSS
but then Bianca steps in and gets them to calm down and leave the room to talk it out
and then she leaves too
and then all the dudes start giving Petruchio shit for marrying the ultrabitch
and Petruchio is like orly?
I bet I’ve brainwashed and abused her to the point where she is a good wife
and everyone is like OH YEAH?
WANNA BET?
and Petruchio is like sure
let’s all send messengers to get our wives
and whichever one comes quickest, her husband gets 200 bucks
and Lucentio and Hortensio are like AWW YISS
so Lucentio sends a message for Bianca
and the messenger comes back like SHE’S BUSY
and then Hortensio sends a messenger for the widow
and the messenger is all SHE SAYS YOU SHOULD COME TO HER
and then Petruchio sends his message
and INSTANTLY Kate is in the room like yes sir what do you want sir don’t starve me
and Petruchio is like FETCH THE OTHER WIVES
so she gets them
and then she delivers a lecture on the importance of obedient wives
and all the men give Petruchio a round of applause
while he insults his wife’s hat
ANOTHER VICTORY FOR FEMINISM

so the moral of the story
is if you’ve been striking out with the ladies a lot recently
maybe it’s because you’re not using enough deceit and torture

the end.

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A Midsummer Night’s Dreams is About a Bunch of Teens Running Around in the Woods But No One Has a Chainsaw

oh hey so first of all
thank you to everyone who did guest myths during the guest (more than a) week
you made it possible for me to get my shit together in a whole different city
and I have friends now and an apartment so you guys rock
also you guys who read this piece of shit
all of you warm the cockles of my heart
hehe cockles

alright so I liked retelling hamlet so much that I am on a shakespeare kick now
here’s one about a whole cornucopia of idiots

alright so there’s this king Theseus right
OH SHIT THESEUS
you remember him right?
he’s that rompin’ stompin’ womanizing dick train from greece
fuck that describes pretty much every greek hero and also zeus
anyway this play we’re about to talk about
takes place in Athens right after Theseus has stolen Hyppolita from the Amazons
and right before he ditches her to fuck some other chick
and she kills herself at his wedding
so basically the play takes place in a relatively rare sweet spot
where Theseus is not being an asshole
MOVING ON

so Theseus and Hippolyta are about to get married right
but their premarital bliss is totally getting buzzkilled by some asshole Egeus
who is bitching about his daughter Hermia
and how she refuses to marry some prick Demetrius
and then Hermia busts in yelling about how Demetrius is a total prick
cause up until like a week ago he was all into this other broad Helena
and also cause she herself is totally tits over nipples for this other dude Lysander
who is also mega into her tits and nipples
and no one is interested in this Helena chick at all
even though Helena is practically tripping over her tits trying to get at Demetrius
so basically the central problem of this play
is that Hermia is way hotter than Helena

but so yeah Theseus is bored of listening to everyone bitch
so he’s like ALRIGHT
I’M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW GUYS
IF EVERYONE DOESN’T FIGURE OUT WHO THEY’RE MARRYING BY THEN
EVERYBODY DIES
and then he leaves
so then Hermia goes to her sexbiscuit Lysander
all like Lysander hey
shit’s fucked up
and Lysander’s like well you know what they say
when the going gets tough
the tough elope
seriously I have an aunt in the next town she’ll buy us beer and everything
OH YEAH I FORGOT
EVERYONE IS LIKE FIFTEEN IN THIS PLAY

so anyway then later Hermia runs into her main chick Helena
you know
the ugly one
and she’s like yo helena
me and my boytoy Lysander bout to elope tonight
hopefully once Demetrius realizes my vagina’s too far away he’ll settle for yours
good luck!
and then she leaves
and Helena is like CURSE HER HIGH CHEEKBONES
I CAN’T STAND TO SEE ANYONE HAPPY WHEN I AM SO UGLY ALL THE TIME
I KNOW
I’LL SHIT IN EVERYONE’S MILK BY TELLING DEMETRIUS ABOUT THE WHOLE PLAN
so she does
and Demetrius is like WELL BUTTER MY NUTSACK
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR RUNNING INTO THE FOREST BRANDISHING A SWORD
seriously now
who is the dipshit responsible for passing out swords to all these fucking tweens?

but anyway then it’s night time and everyone is in the forest
no one is enjoying themselves even a little bit
except for one dude but we’ll get to him later
right now what we are concerned with is some fucking faeries
they are called Oberon and Titania and they are supposed to be the king and queen
(of faeries)
but right now they are having a shit-fit over one of Oberon’s prepubescent boytoys
it doesn’t even matter why
the point is Titania has him and won’t give him back
and Oberon is being a petulant numbnuts and stomping his feet a lot
and then Titania leaves and he comes up with this plan
with the help of the one dude who is consistently having a good time:
Puck
Aka Robin Goodfellow
Aka the main driving force between all of the action in the fucking play
in Sandman Neil Gaiman portrays Puck as this like terrifying trickster
but honestly he seems more like someone who never bothered to learn competence
because he finds his incompetence fucking hilarious
anyway Oberon is like YO PUCK
THERE’S SOME REALLY DANGEROUS FLOWERS CHILLING IN THESE WOODS
IF YOU RUB THEM ON PEOPLE’S EYES WHILE THEY ARE ASLEEP
THEY WILL BE ALL HOT FOR THE FIRST THING THEY SEE WHEN THEY WAKE UP
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE TITANIA FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMETHING REALLY GROSS
IT WILL BE HILARIOUS

so puck goes off to pick some sexflowers
and meanwhile Oberon gets to watch Helena chasing Demetrius through the woods
while Demetrius chases Lysander and Hermia
presumably intending to kill them
oh and i guess now would be a good time to mention
that everyone in this play speaks in couplets
so when Helena is chasing Demetrius it sounds something like
IT’S HARD TO RUN AND STILL BE SEXY
I LOVE A MAN WHO WON’T RESPECT ME
and then Demetrius is all
GET OFF MY NUTS YOU SCABBY HO
NOW WHERE’D THAT TWAT LYSANDER GO?
and so on and so forth until Demetrius kicks Helena in the head and runs away

so Oberon is watching all of this
and one of his super powers is meddling
so when Puck gets back with all the sexyflowers
he’s like yo dude
new plan
I’m still gonna go put plant jizz all over my wife’s eyes
but now I ALSO want you to do it to this Athenian guy I found
he needs to fall in love with this ugly chick because why the fuck not
so Oberon goes off to massage his wife’s eyeballs with love juice
and meanwhile puck goes to find some Athenian dude
MEANWHILE here come Lysander and Hermia
being all lovey dovey and making me sick
but also being super lost and pretty incompetent
now see if this was a horror movie this is the part where they would start making out
and then Lysander would get stabbed in the brain by an evil shovel zombie
but noooo
instead they gotta be all proper about shit
and go to sleep like ten feet apart
because they’re not married yet and THAT SIMPLY ISN’T DONE
(this is Hermia’s idea by the way
Lysander is all for a little premarital hoinko boinko)
so here comes Puck riding the fuck you bus straight through forest towne
and he’s like WHOA HERE’S SOME CHICK SLEEPING REAL FAR FROM SOME DUDE
CLEARLY THIS IS THE DUDE OBERON WANTED ME TO PRANK
although actually this chick is not ugly at all
she has tits like silicone torpedoes
but oh well whatever
not like whatever happens won’t be FUCKING HILARIOUS anyway

so he anoints Lysander’s eyes with the love potion
and then here comes Demetrius and Helena
and Demetrius is like BITCH GET AWAY FROM ME
and Helena is like I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR FREE
but Demetrius is havin’ none of it
he just runs away leaving Helena in the clearing with the sleeping Lysander and his sidekick Hermia
and she’s like LYSANDER LYSANDER PLEASE BE AWAKE
and Lysander’s like THERE’S A FIRE IN MY LOINS AND YOUR COOCH IS A LAKE
and Helena is like whoa dude that’s pretty impolite
and Lysander is like I WANNA BANG YOU ALLLLLLL NIGHT
and Helena is like dude we aren’t rhyming anymore I am seriously creeped out
and Lysander is like I WOULD DESCRIBE ALL THE THINGS I WANNA DO TO YOU
BUT THAT SHIT WOULD GET BLEEPED OUT
and Helena is like fuck this i’m out of here
and she runs away and Lysander chases her
and then Hermia wakes up like what the fuck where’s my man at
and then SHE runs away looking for Lysander
and from here on out shit is officially fucked up

SO CUT TO SOME CONSTRUCTION WORKERS REHEARSING A PLAY IN THE WOODS
and if you thought everyone else in this play was idiots
lemme let you in on a little secret, sugartits
these characters right here are written with the SPECIFIC AND EXCLUSIVE PURPOSE
of being being the most elite paratroopers of stupidity every to drop out of the moron hatch
they are:
Peter Quince, the carpenter
Snug, the Joiner
Francis Flute, the Bellows-mender
Robin Starveling, the tailor
Tom Snout, the tinkerer
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
guys
if there was every any doubt that it was shakespeare who wrote these plays
instead of some fancy rich asshole with too much time on his hands
NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER is all the proof you need
to convince you that no educated person would be caught dead near this theatrical clusterfuck
so lemme get this straight
you’re writing a play set in athens
your characters are named things like Theseus
Helena
and NICK BOTTOM THE WEAVER
that’s like if you wrote a play set in the stone age with a bunch of cavemen
and one of them was named PROFESSOR MCBUTTS THE ASTROPHYSICIST
actually could someone please write that play

but anyway speaking of plays these guys are performing one
somehow they got their hands on a copy of the script for pyramus and thisby
i don’t know why anyone would sell a script to these idiots but they did
and now everyone is trying to figure out what parts they will play
and Nick Bottom the Weaver has already got it all figured out
you see Nick Bottom the Weaver is going to play EVERY PART
but Peter Quince is pretty used to dealing with the fucking Diva festival that is Bottom
so he convinces bottom to just settle for the lead role: Pyramus
and so bottom happily proceeds to not memorize any of the lines and yell a lot
meanwhile everyone else gets cast as other stuff
but it doesn’t matter because it’s all going to get changed around later
when they decide they need actors playing the parts of all the inanimate objects in the play
in fact the rest of the seen is spent fucking the entire script to death
like OH FUCK EVERYONE IS GONNA THINK THE LION IS REAL
BETTER SPEND TEN MINUTES EXPLAINING THAT IT ISNT
ALSO WE NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY THE WALL
BETWEEN PYRAMUS AND THISBY’S HOUSES
AND UH
HOW ABOUT THE MOON?
WE DON’T HAVE ANYONE PLAYING THE MOON YET
also bottom still really wants to play the lion but that ship has sailed
and then to top it all off
Puck shows up and puts the final nail in the coffin by showing up during the dress rehearsal
and turning Bottom’s head into an ASS’S HEAD
HAHA ASS MEANS BUTT AND SO DOES BOTTOM
DO YOU GET IT?
IF NOT THAT’S OKAY
BECAUSE SHAKESPEARE’S GONNA BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE FOR 50 MORE PAGES
oh yeah and then all of Bottom’s friends run away
because really they were looking for an excuse to ditch that guy
and then he runs into Titania
who remember
has gotten lovejuice massaged into her eyeballs by her petulant child-raping husband
and she wakes up and she’s like OH MAN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING FACE
REALLY TURNS ME ON
HERE
HAVE SOME SLAVES AND ALSO MY AFFECTION
so everything works out pretty well for Bottom and basically no one else

OKAY CUT BACK TO THE HORNY TEENS CHASING EACH OTHER IN THE DARK
or actually cut back to Puck and Oberon laughing about how they just pranked Titania
although just to clarify guys
this was NOT PUCK’S PLAN AT ALL
he just saw some dudes and he was like man you know what would be great
is if that guy had a DONKEY HEAD
and then Bottom just happened to run into Titania later and everything worked out perfectly
what did i tell you about Puck being fantastically incompetent?
and then Oberon is like hey so did you make that athenian dude fall in love with that chick like i said?
and puck is like yeah totally
oh look here they come right now
but it’s not them
it’s Hermia getting chased by Demetrius
and Hermia is screaming at Demetrius tryin to find out where Lysander’s at
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT WE JUST FUCK AND FORGET ABOUT IT
and Hermia is like EW HOW ABOUT I KILL MYSELF
and Demetrius is like HOW ABOUT I KILL LYSANDER
and Hermia is like YOU’D HAVE TO FIND HIM FIRST
and Oberon is like PUCK GOD DAMMIT WHAT DID YOU DO
and Puck is like I don’t know but it sure is hilarious
and then Hermia runs away and leaves Demetrius alone in the woods
and Demetrius is so overcome with grief that he falls asleep
and Oberon is like alright Puck
dude’s asleep right in front of us
go fix this shit
and Puck’s like sure why not
so he rubs lovejuice on Demetrius’s face

now at this point the relationship dynamics in this play may seem a little complicated
so i have devised a handy chart for keeping track of who wants to bang who
observe:

okay so yeah Demetrius has got lovejuice all over his eyes
and in comes Helena getting chased by Lysander
and Helena is all like STOP CHASING ME I’M GETTING TIRED
and Lysander is like MY DICK’S SO HARD I’M FULLY WIRED
GIRL I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY SON
and Demetrius wakes up like YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
and Helena’s like HA HA GUYS THAT’S VERY FUNNY
and Demetrius is like NOT AS FUNNY AS MY COCK, HONEY
and Lysander’s like what the fuck is that supposed to mean
and Demetrius is like what do you THINK it means?
and Lysander’s like MAKE ME
and then they’re about to beat the shit out of each other
and HERMIA shows up
like THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE THESE WOODS ARE WEIRD
and Lysander’s like BITCH I WOULDN’T USE YOUR PUBES TO WIPE MY BEARD
and Helena is like don’t mind him hermia
he is just trying to prank me by pretending to be in love with me
god this is like high school all over again
also Demetrius is doing the same thing
and Helena is like GOD DAMMIT LYSANDER STOP PRANKING HER
and Lysander is like BITCH I AIN’T PRANKING SHIT
GET AWAY FROM ME
and Demetrius is like NO YOU GET AWAY FROM ME
I AM GONNA BANG HELENA AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
and Helena is like guys this prank is really hurting my feelings
and Hermia is like YOUR feelings?
they both want to bang you
what about MY feelings?
I am not gonna get shown up by some short tall ugly bitch
and Helena is like WHO YOU CALLIN UGLY YOU FUCKIN MIDGET
and instead of standing back and watching the catfight unfold like real men
maybe providing some jello
Demetrius and Lysander start doing the SAME SHIT
all insulting each other and about to fight or whatever
and everyone keeps calling Hermia short
because i guess it’s the one flaw anyone can find with her PERFECT GODDAMN BODY
and basically no one is happy at all
except for Puck
who is sitting in a tree with some popcorn
laughing
his
ass off

so Demetrius and Lysander decide they need to run off into the woods
to have the ULTIMATE PISSING CONTEST for Helena’s love
and Hermia is like NO GUYS COME BACK AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME
and Lysander is like LET GO OF ME SHORTY SHORT SHORTPANTS
and he runs away
and Hermia is like HELENA YOU TOWERING BITCH I’M GONNA CUT YOU
and Helena is like YOU MAY HAVE A KNIFE BUT MY LEGS ARE LONGER THAN YOURS
I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
so she sprints away

so Oberon goes up to puck and he’s like hey puck
and puck’s like yeah?
and Oberon is like what the fuck did you do Puck?
and Puck’s like man I did exactly what you told me to do
and Oberon’s like fair enough
so uh
wanna go fix it?
and Puck’s like sure boss
so he goes into the woods where Demetrius and Lysander are chasing each other
and he pretends to be both of them until they both run into trees trying to find him
and pass out
and then he puts MORE LOVE POTION on Lysander’s eyes
and then Helena and Hermia show up and they fall asleep there too
jesus does everyone have narcolepsy in this play?

meanwhile Bottom is getting the royal treatment
but then Puck shows up and dispells the love potion that’s on Titania
and then Titania is like EWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and then i guess she and Oberon get back together
because all it took was for Oberon to prank his wife real good one time
and everything worked itself out

so meanwhile the sun comes up
and Theseus and Hippolyta come waltzing through the woods
and they pretty much trip over these four sleeping idiot tweens
and they’re like YO KIDS
WAKE YO ASSES UP
and everyone wakes up and is in love with the right people
like Lysander is in love with Hermia
and Demetrius is in love with Helena
and everyone gets married IMMEDIATELY
and then at the wedding reception
Bottom and co show up to perform the shittiest version of Pyramus and Thisby ever
I won’t bother to tell you the story because I already told it to you MONTHS AGO
but suffice to say everyone is severely incompetent
and none of the people watching the play let anyone say two lines in a row
without interrupting and being total dicks about it
so that’s a good way to round things out
and then everyone lives happily ever after
except probably Demetrius because he got pranked into marrying some ugly broad

so the moral of the story
is if you can’t be
with the one you love
get a fairy to anoint your eyes with flower spooge
you’ll fall in love a goddamn air conditioning unit if you have to

THE END.

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Hamlet is Very Bad At Revenge

Woo I’m back
I still don’t have a house
I am staying in a place where at least two people offer to sell me blow per day
it’s great I am loving it a lot
here is a story about a dumb idiot

okay so there’s this kid hamlet right
he’s real pissed because his uncle killed his dad
and is now fucking his mom
why would you get pissed about something like that
it happens ALL THE TIME
oh yeah also his mom is the QUEEN OF DENMARK
which makes hamlet’s uncle the KING
and also hamlet is the prince but he’s gonna die anyway so who cares
actually everyone is gonna die
spoilers

so basically the play opens with hamlet being real snippy to his stepdad
and then his pal Horatio
whose job is to stoke Hamlet’s retard fires with plenty of idiot coal
shows up all like HEY HAMLET COME HERE I SAW THE GHOST OF YOUR DAD
and hamlet is like BULLSHIT LEMME SEE
OH SHIT THAT’S TOTALLY MY DAD’S GHOST OVER THERE
HE’S TELLING ME TO KILL MY UNCLE
GOOD THING I ALWAYS LISTEN WHEN GHOSTS TELL ME TO KILL PEOPLE
guys when was the last time a ghost told you to do something constructive
like run the dishwasher or do yoga
i feel like ghosts only ever give bad advice
but whatever

so then hamlet wanders around for about several years
(which translates into roughly 2 hours of your valuable real-life time)
being crazy and not accomplishing anything
so it falls to the other characters to be interesting and do things
ENTER OPHELIA
she’s some chick Hamlet was trying to bang I guess
but the thing no one seems to realize
is hamlet is crazy and he doesn’t give a fuck about Ophelia even at all
Ophelia’s bro Laertes is all HEY OPHELIA BE SURE NOT TO FUCK HAMLET
I FEEL LIKE HE IS PROBABLY CRAZY AND ALSO A TERRIBLE HUSBAND
and Ophelia is like psh whatever bro
and then Ophelia’s dad Polonius immediately shows up like HEY OPHELIA
HAVE YOU FUCKED HAMLET YET BECAUSE DON’T
IN FACT
LET’S BE ON THE SAFE SIDE
HOW ABOUT NEVER SPEAK TO HAMLET EVER AGAIN
BE SURE TO OFFER NO EXPLANATION AT ALL
THAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TREAT CRAZY PEOPLE
and Ophelia is like ok gosh fine ok dad

so meanwhile the King uncle dude
whose name is Claudius by the way
hits up some of Hamlet’s old bros named Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
who I think shakespeare named specifically to fuck with my typing fingers
and he’s like hey guys
Hamlet’s wandering around getting crazy all over my nice palace
i’ll totally pay you to take him out for some beers and make him chill the fuck out
and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are like NO PROBLEM BRO
and OFF THEY GO
but it turns out Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are not licensed psychiatrists
and are thus TOTALLY USELESS WHEN DEALING WITH HAMLET
who is wandering around yelling about things like bodkins
and dreams that come
and whether or not there are bees or something
i don’t know
he talks a lot and I think i fell asleep for a while
but anyway finally he’s like oh man
all this wandering around yelling about murder
made me TOTALLY FORGET about how i promised to murder my uncle like eighty pages ago
i should probably get on that
but how?
OH I KNOW
I’LL PRODUCE A PLAY ABOUT HOW MY UNCLE MURDERED MY DAD
god dammit hamlet
we are already in a play about how your uncle murdered your dad
what are you doing
what the fuck are you doing
are you trying to piss me off?
is this like the song that never ends
except instead of songs
it is fucking soliloquies about how you wish your flesh would melt off?
but anyway yeah that’s his brilliant plan
he wants to put on the play and if Claudius freaks out he’ll know he’s guilty
WAY TO DISTRUST YOUR GHOST DAD DICKWIT
IF A GHOST OF YOUR DAD SHOWS UP AND TELLS YOU WHO KILLED HIM
YOU HAVE SOME PRETTY PRIME FUCKING EVIDENCE RIGHT THERE
YOU DON’T NEED TO GO AROUND DOING SPEECHES AND CRYING AND WRITING PLAYS
WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING POET?
IF YOU ARE THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE WRITING PLAYS SHOULD YOU TWATBISCUIT
WELL I MEAN I GUESS SHAKESPEARE WAS A POET
BUT YOU’RE NOT SHAKESPEARE ARE YOU ASSHOLE
I MEAN YOU KIND OF ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SHAKESPEARE CHARACTER
BUT LOOK JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OK

but ok so meanwhile
i guess hamlet like freaks out and pulls a really creepy move on Ophelia
where he just busts into her room and starts touching her face and shit
not saying anything
just sitting there
touching
and so Ophelia goes to her dad like what the fuck do I do dad
and Polonius is like oh shit
I guess he was genuinely in love with you after all
man my mistake for telling you to dump him
WHAT?!
NO
THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE GENUINELY A CRAZY ASSHOLE
but that is not how things work in the glacially slow mind of professor retard
(that is my clever nickname for Polonius)
so he runs to Claudius and he’s like yo
Claudius
I figured out why Hamlet’s being a crazy asshole
it’s because of my daughter
and Claudius is like YES OF COURSE
IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HOW I MURDERED HIS DAD
AND FUCKED HIS MOM
LET US ESTABLISH THIS BY SETTING UP A MEETING BETWEEN HAMLET AND OPHELIA
AND THEN EAVESDROPPING ON IT
why is everyone trying to establish shit all the time
why aren’t they just manning up and killing each other
that’s why we showed up to this play right?
right.

so they set up this meeting between hamlet and ophelia
and hamlet does the reasonable thing and treats her like shit
and gets really excited about her becoming a nun
I guess maybe it is a fetish for him or something?
but yeah basically no one who is eavesdropping has any idea what the fuck this means
they are failing to drop any substantial eaves
like they are letting eaves fly left and right
but they are falling WAYYY WIDE OF THE MARK
eaves all dropping on innocent bystanders
mutilating their private fucking conversations

but okay so the play happens
not the play we’re already watching
the play hamlet made
and hamlet is a really shitty audience member the entire time
yelling at everyone and asking for refills on his soda and throwing things
in one version I saw he had a flashlight and he kept shining it in everyone’s eyes
in another version Mel Gibson just started climbing everyone’s chairs
the point is Hamlet went through a lot of trouble to put on this play
by which i mean he payed some dudes and then he yelled at them a little
and now here he is shitting directly into the center of it
but GUESS WHAT
HIS PLAN WORKS
CLAUDIUS FREAKS THE FUCK OUT WITH GUILT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM
so Hamlet is like AT LAST I HAVE MY PROOF
I KNOW WHAT I GOTTA DO
I GOTTA
CONTINUE DOING MONOLOGUES FOR ANOTHER COUPLE HOURS
YAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Meanwhile Claudius is in his room like oh fuck oh shit i am not going back to jail
guys we gotta send Hamlet to England to chill out for a while
and Polonius is like GREAT IDEA
you know how we can make it an even better idea?
get his mom to chill him the fuck out
THEN send him to England
and I will make it even better by eavesdropping on their conversation
I feel like I did not drop enough eaves earlier
and Claudius is like sure why the hell not
hey wife go solve my problems

so Gertrude hits up hamlet like yo son
and hamlet is like OH SHIT TIME TO SCREAM AND THREATEN VIOLENCE
AAAAAAAAAAAA VIOLENCE VIOLENCE VIOLENCE
THIS MEETING IS HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE INTENDED EFFECT
so then Polonius
who is dropping mad eaves as discussed
is all like GUARDS GUARDS GET IN HERE HAMLET IS GONNA CRAZY HIS MOM TO DEATH
and Hamlet is like FUCK I ALMOST JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL THE EAVES GETTING DROPPED HERE
BETTER STAB WHOEVER JUST SAID THAT
so he stabs polonius who proceeds to die
and hamlet has kind of thinks he is rats or maybe the king
or maybe the rat king from the nutcracker suite or something
but nope
it’s polonius
captain of the SS Dumbass
and when Hamlet finds that out he is actually kind of sad
so he responds to it like any of us would
he drags the body away and hides it in some stairs

so then comes the part of the play
where everyone is trying to get hamlet to tell them where the body is
and he is being a prick about it
seriously like
he admits to everyone that he killed Polonius
and they’re like where’s the body
and he’s like WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
and then finally he tells them
and Claudius
who has really wanted to kill hamlet for a while
is like fuck dude now I pretty much HAVE to banish you
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
please to escort hamlet to England
with a note that says the king of england should kill him
MY CLEVERNESS KNOWS NO BOUNDS
oh PS Ophelia is crazy now
turns out having your dad stabbed by the same crazy asshole who’s trying to bone you
is not conducive to mental health
so she walks around singing songs and not listening to anyone at all
and then Laertes shows up
he was in France this whole time so he didn’t have to deal with Hamlet’s bullshit
but he’s sure as shit back now
now that his dad is dead and his sister is a full time resident of hotel crazy
he’s like what the fuck hamlet
hamlet
what the fuck
I knew you were kind of a shitty guy
but what are you even doing
did you spend your vast royal inheritance on a dump truck
and then use all the time I was gone to fill it with your feces
and then at the appointed moment
release it over the heads of everyone I know and/or love?
THAT SEEMS LIKE WHAT YOU DID HAMLET

and then WHABAM
HAMLET IS BACK BITCHES
all like yeah what’s up
totally hitched a ride with some pirates
also
replaced rosencrantz and guildenstern’s letter with a letter saying to kill them
that’s right
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead
i feel like that is the name of some other play
that is much better than this one
whatever
now that I’m back I can FINALLY ENACT MY MASTER PLAN:
STARING AT THIS SKULL I FOUND AND TALKING MORE
HOLY SHITBALLS HAMLET
STOP TALKING AND FUCKING STAB SOMEONE ALREADY

but so meanwhile Claudius hears Hamlet is back
because hamlet shows up at Polonius’s funeral and pisses everyone off by talking
so Claudius is like GOD DAMMIT ASSHOLE WHY WON’T YOU DIE
and he convinces Laertes
(who if you recall
is really pissed off at Hamlet)
to have a friendly duel with him
that just happens to involve a poison-tipped sword
and also a cup full of poison in case the sword misses
basically there is just gonna be poison all over the place
and then while they’re planning this someone walks in like hey
Ophelia drowned by the way
apparently she had the kind of crazy that makes you bad at swimming
and Laertes is like HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so they have their duel
pretty sure hamlet does some more talking first but whatever
the point is they have a duel
after shaking hands and promising not to be mad at each other
and Hamlet is just beating the shit out of Laertes
not even getting stabbed with any poison at all
so Claudius is like HEY DUDE GOOD JOB
DRINK THIS CUP OF POISON TO CELEBRATE
and Gertrude is like HEY I LIKE POISON LEMME GET AT THAT
and Claudius is like wait no that’s not for you aww shit
and Laertes is like well shit
everything is fucked now
better be a cheater and stab hamlet a couple times
so he does
and hamlet is like OW FUCK
LEMME TAKE YOUR SWORD AND STAB YOU BACK
and Laertes is like HAMLET
HAMLET DO YOU EVER STOP SUCKING
SERIOUSLY THIS IS BOWLING BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE LEVEL SUCKING
and then he dies
and Hamlet is like well fuck
I have a sword with poison all over it
my mom and one of my best bros are both dead
the king is right here
why not stab him a couple times?
so he does
and the king is like ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?
I HAD THREE GREAT PLANS FOR KILLING YOU
THREE
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PLANS YOU HAD?
NONE
YOU STABBED ME JUST NOW BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH A POISON SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR SWORD
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR POISON
NOT EVEN YOUR ROOM COME TO THINK OF IT
WHAT THE FUCK HAMLET
SERIOUSLY

so then hamlet is dying from the poison obviously
so he lies down like OH DANG I AM DYING
TIME TO MAKE MORE SPEECHES
and Horatio is like shhh shhh it’s ok
no one wants to hear you talk anymore
no one ever wanted to hear you talk
and then hamlet dies
and then the king of Norway shows up like WELP
UH
FINDERS KEEPERS?

so the moral of the story
is if you are trying to kill someone
you should try just stabbing them immediately
soliloquies do not help with this
but on the other hand
if what you are trying to do is get revenge on someone
maybe subjecting them to two hours of interminable gibberish
and then accidentally killing them at the last possible moment
is the PERFECT plan

The end!

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Fuck Socrates Caves Are Awesome

Are you ready to get your humor glands brutalized by Jason “Comedy Pugilist” Nelson? TOO LATE HERE HE COMES!

hey guys
this is not-Myth-Guy
since actual-myth-guy is moving to Chicago
here to tell you a story college taught me
about Socrates and a cave

So the story starts with Socrates telling a story
about how ignorant people are
and how smart he is in comparison.
Seriously, Socrates is all about the mental masturbation
throwing his philosophical horndog a bone
choking his thought monkey
squeezing his brooding worm
flying his meditative cloud 9
Okay so you get the point, Socrates like to talk
Just wanted to put that out there as it’s his thing

So the story starts in a dank ass-cave
dank as in grungy and unpleasant
not dank as in good like some people use it
There are people in this cave
chained to the cave walls as prisoners
so that they constantly have to face one wall of the cave
their arms, legs, and head face in one direction
Guys
this story isn’t going to make much more sense
just a warning
So these prisoners are the normal people of society in this allegory
Behind these prisoners is a big bon fire
never explained why
I guess it’s just to taunt the prisoners
Also behind the prisoners is a raised walkway
where people walk back and forth, carrying things on their head.
Now, who these people are that placed them here,
why the people are imprisoned,
and why people would spend their time walking back and forth
with “figures of men and animals” made of wood and stone,
I dunno
I guess I’d be bored too, looking after some prisoners staring at a wall

So the people, not having a whole lot to do with their time,
and I guess having been imprisoned like this since birth,
Watch the shadows being projected onto the wall they’re looking at
not knowing that they’re shadows
and rather beliving they are the real deal
and the echoes of the people walking on the raised walkway to be real sounds instead of echoes
They have their own little competitions over who can guess what sound/shape will be seen next
because what else are you going to do in this situation
play pokemon?
I don’t even know how these guys would learn how to talk
much less understand that Charizard is the best pokemon

So at some point, someone gets released from the shackels
No mention as to why
I think the guards got bored, and wanted to fuck around with this guy
So this guy, understandably, looks around after being unshackled
And doesn’t think the objects he sees are real, since he’d only seen shadows before
And is blinded by the fire when he looks at it
Like “What the fuck
why is that so bright
my eyes are exploding
I don’t even know what an explosion is
Fuck”
And the guards force him outside to the surface, into the sunlight
giggling like little school children
Because they’re massive dicks who are easily entertained by a blind man
wandering around aimlessly
Socrates never mentions who these guards are in this allegory
but I like to imagine it’s Socrates and his buddies
“enlightening” the poor people
Because see, the light is a metaphor for truth
because the truth is hidden from direct exposure to the general populace
and the truth hurts to look at
It’s like learning that Santa isn’t real
unless you haven’t found that out yet
in which case don’t read that last line
about how Santa isn’t real

So this guy on the surface is wandering around, looking into the shadows because that hurts less
understandably pissed about being “enlightened”
then he starts looking at reflections in the water
And he starts to understand what color is
and then at actual stuff
slowly realizing just how stupid he and the prisoners have been for not recognizing that the shadows aren’t real
until he finally decides to look directly at the sun
and he wonders “What’s that bright thing in the sky
that is currently melting my eyeballs?”
and decides that it is the “source of the seasons and the years”
(even though he shouldn’t know what a season or what a year is)
and basically is where truth comes from

So this guys is feeling all smart now
Like some college freshman out of Philosophy 101
And really wants to tell his cave buddies what is actually real
so he can have sex with the impressionable young college-age women
telling them about how it would maximize both of their utilities if they did it
Using words like “propiniquity” or “fecundity”
(By the way that doesn’t work)
Anyway he goes back to the cave
like “sup guys
Did you know that those things are shadows
and not real things?”
But instead of instantly getting bunny hunny
the people are like
“Oh really?
What’s that thing then?”
as they point to a shadow

Because the guy has been acclimated to the sunlight,
he can’t see worth shit in there
and so the chained people make fun of him and don’t believe him
thinking his eyes are broken
no poontang for the enlightened one

So this whole story is basically about how Socrates has seen the light
and anyone who doesn’t agree with him are just un-enlightened
making it that much harder to argue with him
How unexpected

So the moral of this story is
don’t bother looking at the light
because Socrates is always better than you
The End

If Jason has a website I don’t know about it. Or I forgot. But probably he just doesn’t have one.

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Helen Went To Egypt and it Sucked

And to close this magnificent guest week we have the deliriously ill mythical stylings of Jesse “Fistzilla” Castaldi. Oh wait I lied this does not close the guest week there is going to be one more on Saturday.

Guess what
I bet you thought you knew allll about Helen and Paris
and that whole asshole murderfest a.k.a. the Trojan War
well UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST
this myth calls bullshit on Homer
it’s all about Egypt
and one gold thirsty pharaoh
and one gullible pharaoh
and magic hot ladies made out of clouds

so the whole Helen disaster began with Paris
when he got a little tit-dazzled by Hera and Athena and Aphrodite
and inconveniently picked Helen as his prize
and Aphrodite was like FUCK REALLY
FINE
here’s Helen
have fun with your stupid war
I’ll be back later to save your ass
but bye for now
and gullible Paris sails homeward
and that’s where we leave Homer’s version

MEANWHILE IN EGYPT
Pharoah Seti is chilling out in the royal city of Memphis
probably sitting on gold
in a gold palace
eating some gold covered food
thinking hmmm what new thing will I tax today
because let me tell you
Egypt is fucking full of gold
and do you know why
TAXES IS WHY
they tax the shit out of everything
gold gold everywhere gold
from beautiful delicious taxes

and one day a foreign ship sails up the Nile
and docks by the Shrine of Hershef
which is like home base when you play tag
except in Egypt LIFE IS TAG
are you a slave?
get your freedom at the shrine
pursued by enemies?
chill at the shrine and you’ll be protected
not really clear how Egyptian society continues to function
when this shrine is around
wouldn’t you be going there all the damn time
but knowing Egypt there is probably a tax on shrine visits
or freedom
or something

anyway the ship sails up
and the entire crew just falls the fuck over themselves fleeing into the shrine
all THIS SHIP SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSS
and the whole thing looks suspiciously like a taxable situation to Pharaoh Seti
so he commands they come to his palace and explain
because for some reason
escaping a hellish life of servitude aboard a Trojan warship
is not considered a solid excuse

so the sailors start kissing some ass pretty quick
bitching and moaning about how they don’t want to work anymore
because their captain is the ultimate bad houseguest
and while he was visiting another kingdom
he abducted the king’s wife and a bunch of treasure
but mainly he stole the chick because he wanted to be king
and they are just too moral to work for such an asshole
it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with being warship slaves
nope
and then Poseidon blew them off course on the way home
allll the way to Egypt

and then the ship’s captain is like listen
IT’S ME
PARIS
ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU SOME SHITTY LIES
he says nooooo pharaoh they’ve got it all wrong
my sailors are a bunch of tattletale babies
it’s all cool
I won Helen’s hand fairly and legally
and my delicious boatload of treasure
is also totally legit mine
and Troy and Sparta are totally bros
at peace forever and ever yay

and the sailors are like LIAR
everyone knows Helen
because she is supernaturally hot
she is a daughter of Zeus
hey Pharaoh did you know
Zeus is like your god Amon Re

and the royal court of Egyptians is like yes yes we see
we too know of Helen

this is an inspired moment
of cross-cultural ass-licking
let me tell you

and Seti is like yes yes
Paris do go on with more lies

and Paris is like well
okay yes maybe I took Helen
but she basically begged me to abduct her

but Seti is like I’m just fucking with you Paris
you are a pretty shitty liar
you’ve already told me two conflicting stories
clearly your gods hate you
and also your sailors were pretty smart
mentioning the whole shitty houseguest thing
because this is a big fucking deal here in Egypt
everyone knows only hosts get to steal from guests
except we call it taxes
why don’t you chill in my guesthouse for a bit
NO FAIR STEALING ANY TREASURE IN THERE
while I go check out Helen’s side of the story
and inspect your boat for tasty gold
also ps tell your sailors now they have to worship Hershef for life
haha home base in Egypt is not all it’s cracked up to be

so the pharaoh visits Helen
who is chilling in another shrine
the shrine of Hathor
and Helen tells her sob story
about how Paris tricked her into leaving Menelaus
and she begs the pharaoh to protect her
weeping and moaning
the whole bit
except this being Helen
she manages to weep so epically
that the ruby in her necklace
weeps tears of blood in sympathy with her divine hotness
it’s not clear whether Seti agrees to protect her
because of the hotness and the weeping gemstones
or because he knows he is going to get a boatload of gold out of this
literally
a boatload
but he agrees
Helen can stay
Paris must go
minus his gold

but Seti is not content to just kick Paris out of Egypt
he has a plan
and that plan is PRAYING
so Seti tells the high priestess of the temple of Hathor
to start praying
and BAM here comes Thoth,
personal messenger of Amon-Re

Thoth is all hey guys what’s up
it’s me Hermes
I mean Thoth
I mean same deal right
Helen your dad Zeus says hi
okay so listen up
I can help you with this bullshit
Zeus or Amon-Ra or whatever told me
to take Helen’s ka and make an eidolon
and everyone is like durrrrr what now
and Thoth is like ugh okay listen
I was kind of drunk when he told me to do this
but it totally makes sense
I’m going to take her spirit
and make a fake Helen out of clouds
and then everyone is like OHHHHH
and this ruse apparently fools Paris
because he leaves Egypt with hot fake Helen
though of course Seti takes all his gold first
death and taxes, Paris
death and taxes

and then
because it’s not enough to be so hot you are capable of making stones weep
EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT HELEN
for like twenty years
she just chills in the temple
worshipping Hathor I guess
and meanwhile Seti dies
and there are all sorts of succession issues
and twenty years later his young grandson Rameses is about to take the throne
and he knows allllll about the hotness hiding in Hathor town
and he’s like damn
who cares about gold
I am going to get me some Helen
FUCK SETI’S OATH
even though she has got to be like 40 by now
she’s just that hot apparently
Helen: original MILF?

so Rameses is like I am going to be Pharaoh soon
who will dare to stop me
and his mother the queen regent Hasert is like uh actually
how about the gods
the gods might stop you
remember how they intervened to bring her here?
or how about her husband
you know
the one who fought multiple wars in her honor?

and Rameses is all shit
I don’t want to fight a fucking war over this
I just want to bone grandma priestess Helen in peace
so he decides to hold onto his boner until his priests
can figure out whether it is the will of the gods
for him to wed Helen or not

and meanwhile who shows up at Helen’s temple
but a mysterious strange sailor
oho who could this be
IT’S MENELAUS BITCHES
because apparently Hermes finally slept off his epic hangover
and was all holy shit
I forgot about how I went to Egypt
dressed up as Thoth
and hid that mortal chick somewhere that one time
what the fuck was I thinking
also
that was
TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO
MAYBE I SHOULD TELL HER HUSBAND
so he visits Menelaus and is all
hey Menelaus
hot tip
maybe you should check out the Temple of Hathor in Memphis
no reason
tell them Hermes I mean Thoth sent you

so Menelaus is in Egypt
somehow too dumb to realize
he’s talking to his own wife
telling her how he went to war and rescued his wife
until she disappeared one day
and Helen goes THAT WAS MY EIDOLON
COULDN’T YOU TELL BY ALL THE CLOUDS IN MY VAGINA
so finally Menelaus and Helen
are all happy weeping and reuniting and shit in the temple
and Menelaus doesn’t even stop to ask
where the fuck all his gold went
THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE LOVE
but meanwhile
how the fuck are they going to escape Rameses?

Helen has a plan
she goes to Rameses all oh guess what
I guess we can get freaky now
because this mysterious sailor who showed up
has just told me that Menelaus my husband is dead
and Rameses is like sweet
let’s do this
and by this I mean
the sex
but several decades of being hottest chick in the ancient world
has given Helen some insight into how easy it is
to hoodwink dudes with boners
so she’s like okay
according to my fake new religion
you are required to give me a ship full of food
and oxen and wine and provisions
so I can sail out into the harbor to bury my husband

AND RAMESES FALLS FOR IT
and Helen and Menelaus sail off
and Rameses is pretty pissed
and just as he’s is about to kill the queen regent Hastert
in an angry rage for making him hesitate to fuck Helen in the first place
Thoth/Hermes shows up
almost late to the party as usual
and he’s like RAMESES CHILL THE FUCK OUT
AMON-RA HAS DECREED THIS IS HOW THE STORY ENDS
because apparently in Egypt
the gods occasionally believe in justice and love
and also in abrupt endings

the moral of the story is
listen to your mom
she is probably right about stuff
and gold
is a way better investment than hot chicks

the end.

Jesse doesn’t have a website because she’s too cool for the internet.

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JULIO-CLAUDIANS WERE NOT VERY NICE PEOPLE

Hey guys. Jack “Laugh Machete” Crosbie was being a twanknexus and not sending me a guest myth like he promised BUT THEN HE SENT ME ONE. FEAST YOUR EYES ON IT. Also I feel bad because the link I posted to Luke Coulter’s website was kind of broken. his website is http://dirtyfilthylies.blogspot.com

This is going to be a very special post of Myths Retold that will not include any actual “myths” per se although you could totally debate how accurate any of is.
This post is called
THE JULIO-CLAUDIANS WERE NOT VERY NICE PEOPLE
and it is basically going to illustrate some of the highlights of the first Roman Emperors kinda being dicks to everyone.

For reference the Julio-Claudians were the family descended sorta from Julius Caesar that became Rome’s first Emperor-family thing round about 27 BCE after Caesar got shanked and everyone finished squabbling and killing each other (jk they never finished doing that).

Without further ado:

EXHIBIT THE FIRST:

This is their goddamn family tree. http://www.roman-emperors.org/jclaud1.htm

You will notice first that it is in several different colors, which is intimidating just to fucking start, and then you look at all the little dotted lines and you realize that at one point, EVERYONE HAS FUCKED EVERYONE or at least fucked someone’s mom/ sister/ brother/ uncle/ pet goat.

Like, if the Julio Claudian family was MY family, my mom would have married AT LEAST both of my uncles
AT LEAST twice which is weird considering one of my uncles is a very quiet man who calls dogs “pooch”… spent the last 10 or so years trying to decide whether that was awkwardly endearing or just downright disturbing.

This is the author’s interpretation of the Julio-Claudian family tree:

You will also notice that THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME NAME. This may also be another slight exaggeration, but the Julio-Claudians really liked recycling names and changing them every 5 minutes; they would name sons the exact same thing as fathers (which is still sorta done), but then they would change it when important things happened, or they would add or subtract names kinda on a whim, and then some dick historian would just stick one name on them if you were lucky and two if they just wanted to fuck with you. I mean seriously you could just show up at the palace and be like “YO GAIUS-LIUS-GUSTUS-US and like 50 kids would come running up all jumping over each other in their little Roman tunics and shit like little Roman kids did all fuckin babbling in Latin or whatever, boom, efficient way of keeping the little fuckers in line but

For example, if I were a Julio-Claudian my name would be Jack Hans Richard Sumpf Paul Crosbie but then when I became Emperor it would become Jack Richard Crosbie Sumpf Caesar or something and then someone would give me a nickname and I would go down in history as “Turtle Helmet”.
Also I would be banging/ married my cousin.
Which is also strange because my only cousins are all male and live in England or are 45, married, and living in Minnesota which makes reproduction kinda difficult in any case. But if had a hot female cousin remotely in my geographic area I would probably have to be all over that. Hypothetically. Flexible on the hot part hypothetically.

EXHIBIT FUCKIN’ TWO:

So Augustus, right, also known as Octavian, the first of the JC bros to be actually “Emperor”, decides to throw a dinner party.
And by “throw a dinner party” it is taken to mean “go over to a dudes house for dinner and then bang his wife in the middle of the meal”.
No joke.
Augustus is all dinin’ and winin’ with this ex-consul (which is like a guy who did stuff in politics) and in the middle of it he’s all HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?
And the consul guy is all NO BUT I BET YOU DO!
And Augustus is like HOW ABOUT I FUCK YOUR WIFE
And the consul is like OMG THAT’S A GREAT- wait what did you say emperor sir can you run that by me one more time
And Augustus goes YEAH NO RIGHT HERE
IN THAT BEDROOM
BRB
Suetonius (some dude with a white beard and shit writing this shit down) is kinda unclear on what kinda hanky panky actually goes on and just says that Mrs. Consul comes back with Augustus all sex-haired with “glowing ears”
He obviously means like with flushed rosy ears but it got me thinking how awesome would it be if your ears fuckin glowed like neon colors every time you got laid, just walking around all HEY BRO PEEP MY AURAL INTERFACES THEY’RE GLOWIN’ instead of HUR DUR HEY JIMMY SMELL MY FINGER which is really creepy who actually does that

ANYWAY

Augustus and Mrs. Consul come back to dinner after parkin the yacht in hair harbor and that’s all Suetonius has to say about that, just kinda skips right on ahead to Augustus and his bros stripping random girls/ matrons and appraising them like slavers would just for kicks and other socially acceptable behavior.

EXHIBIT TREE

EXHIBIT THREE* my bad

I think this is going to be my last exhibit because I’m really tired and I’m not sure if anyone wants to read anymore about the Julio-Claudians but I could totally do more exhibits of JC debauchery if people like that sort of thing. I could also do more exhibits of trees because I know Ovid hates them but I actually rather like trees.

OK SO EXHIBIT THREE FOR REAL

Anyway, Tiberius. He’s emperor after Augustus because he is sorta related to him and succession was kinda like playing hammer roulette in the early Roman Empire (hammer roulette is where you sit a bunch of people in a field at night in the dark, throw a hammer as high as you can in the air and everyone gets up and runs) and the hammer of Emperorship donked Tiberius on the head after Augustus.

Let me rephrase that to succession in the early Roman Empire was like playing hammer roulette but actively trying to lose.

Wait, actually what I’m trying to say is it was really random/ complicated and probably nothing like playing hammer roulette except for the fact that horrible, grievous, “oh dear Jesus now we have to take Mark to the hospital but we’re all plastered in a field miles away from our car and I have never seen a hammer actually hit a person before” amounts of pain are often involved in both.

So Tiberius does a lot of really fucked up things, but we can talk about those later. They mostly involve killing the fuck out of everyone who blinked at him wrong, which included, well, almost everyone.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, though, he DIES.

But he manages to die in a really comical way. I guess it’s only comical if you think murder is comical. Anyway.

So Tiberius is lyin all old and stuff and dying as old people are wont to do, especially if they’re Roman and possibly being poisoned. Sorry if any of you have relatives who live in Rome and are currently elderly and poisoned, not trying to offend anyone here.

Some people (like Suetonius) think that Tiberius’ successor, Caligula (whose real name is Gaius something) was giving him some poison, which is highly likely, others think he was just old and sick, I’m gonna choose to go with Tacitus/ Suetonius (vaguely) and tell it this way:

The way I like to tell it, Tiberius is really sick, like wasting away and stuff. But he keeps not dying, they keep thinking he’s gonna die and then he keeps not dying at all. I had a cat like that. It was really sad. She just chilled out, pretending to die for like two years but not actually getting around to it.

Anyway, Caligula is pretty eager to step up on that throne business and start stompin around the empire. But, like, it’s not really kosher if he just openly offs his predecessor, so he’s kinda just watching Tiberius (slash poisoning him), waiting for the bro to die. Eventually, Tiberius has this awkward fainting spell where everyone thinks he’s dead, but he decides not to be and so one of Caligula’s supporters just shoves a pillow over his face and smothers him. Wups. Here is his death in play format

TIBERIUS: I DON’T FEEL GOOD
CALIGULA: SORRY HERE DRINK THIS
Tiberius drinks stuff
TIBERIUS: THAT WAS GROSS WHAT WAS THAT
I ASKED FOR MILK
YOU DIDN’T GET ME MILK
CALIGULA: IT WAS TOO MILK SHUT UP YOU’RE OLD
Caligula leaves
TIBERIUS: MAN I’LL SHOW HIM
WHAT IF THIS MILK KILLS ME
THEN HE’LL FEEL REALLY BAD
I SHOULD PRETEND TO DIE
OH SHIT I’M REALLY DIZZY THIS WON’T BE HARD
Tiberius faints
CALIGULA’S HENCHMAN: HEY CALIGULA SENT ME BACK HERE WITH MORE MIL- WOAH WOAH ARE YOU OK DUDE?
HEY CALIGULA
I THINK TIBERIUS IS DEAD
CALIGULA (from another room): REALLY? SWEET!
Tiberius wakes up
TIBERIUS: HEY WAIT NO THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO GO
CALIGULA’S HENCHMAN: WOAH WAIT WHAT? FUCK YOU NEED TO BE DEAD I JUST SAID YOU WERE DEAD
Henchman uses pillow! It’s super effective!
PROBLEM SOLVED

Fin

Oh yeah these posts need a moral. I guess the moral of these stories is: Stop complaining about your government, unless your family runs the government and the government is making you bang your cousin and smother the occasional uncle.

Jack Crosbie is too cool to have a website but you can follow his twitters at @jackcrosbie or something. Not that he ever tweets. He’s too cool for that too.

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The Speckled Band Is Not A Story About Rockstars With The Measles

Today’s scintillating tale of mystery and dumb animals courtesy of Alisa “Uppercut Salesman” Arruda!
BON VOYAGE! 

Sherlock Holmes is kinda creepy
I don’t say this thing lightly
I mean I am the first to line up for the hugging brigade
if Holmes started a hugging brigade
I’m not even sure what a hugging brigade would actually be composed of
Hugs that travel in a little car?
anyway
the point is that I love Sherlock Holmes in a special way
which is why it is important that I think he’s a little creepy

the adventure of the speckled band
which is not about a group of high school musicians
starts with holmes watching watson while he’s sleeping
no joke
watson wakes up because he feels the cold unflinching gaze of holmes upon him
in his sleep
and then after that he always slept with a cross under his pillow
but in the meantime holmes needs watson to be awake
because he was woken up by mrs hudson
who was woken up by their client
is everyone on their period in this story?

There is a client downstairs
and why watson is necessary for this transaction is unclear
but holmes calls him his intimate friend
hehehehe
and watson takes three paragraphs to describe this lady
when he could have just written
“damn, this broad is ugly”
but really it is important to the story
that we know how ugly she is
in detail
well
he says haggard
that’s like a euphemism

anyway this woman
wants to hire holmes
but is afraid that she has no money to pay him
holmes is all
bitch, chill
I take cases because I am an artist
and not for anything so crass as money

asshole

and does his normal
announce something about the visitor
that they haven’t told him yet
and then their eyes bug out and they’re all
HOLY SHIT
YOU’RE MAGICAL
So he can explain how he figured it out
it happens in every story
so you would think he’d get tired of it
but I guess not

so this lady
I can’t even remember her name
henrietta
or helena
or harry
or haggard
or something
IT ISN’T IMPORTANT
but she is worried
because her mother
in the infinite wisdom of mothers
married this motherfucker
HA
and died
leaving this will that says that he can use her money
until her two daughters get married
and then they get the money
get that?
He loses all her dead person money
as soon as these two children grow up and get married
GEE MOM
THAT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A MOTIVE
FOR WANTING THEM TO STAY UNMARRIED
SMART MOVE DEAD LADY

and shockingly enough
Haggard’s sister is dead
under mysterious circumstances

WHY ARE THEY STILL LIVING WITH THE DUDE?
Okay I clearly do not understand victorian social mores
but these two chicks are almost 30
and they are still living with creepy step-dad
who keeps giving them murder-eyes
every time they talk to a dude

I WAS JUST GETTING SOME MILK DAD
STOP GIVING ME MURDER EYES
GOD

and it is entirely appropriate for Haggard to be worried
because her twin sister Dead Lady
is dead
right before she was supposed to get married too
huh
that seems coincidental
must have been a murder moon
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR FREE, FOLKS

now haggard is due to get married
and step-dad

has taken to following her around the house and cackling wildly
so she is understandably concerned

holmes says huh
and okay
and indeed
and agrees to take the case

but only after she mentions that step-dad keeps a baboon and a cheetah

and holmes is secretly all
FUCKING BADASS
but he’s victorian so he just says I see

so let’s talk about Dead Lady’s death
she wakes up in the middle of the night
screams
and dies while gasping the words “THE SPECKLED BAND”
let’s give the lady an oscar
seriously
you want to know why people like this story
this shit right here

so holmes and watson venture to wherever this story is set
country land
and do some investigating
the investigating involves a lot of false leads

and people talking about how weird step-dad is

again
murder eyes
but most of it is red herrings
there are gypsies that camp on the grounds was it gypsies?
No it was not gypsies
or cheetahs
or lfdkfjsdlfkjsdl
just get to the good part

HERE IS THE GOOD PART
so holmes and watson spend the night in Haggard’s bedroom
oh my
well no cause she isn’t there
she sneaks off to another room
and holmes waits
and waits
and then there’s a whistle
and he starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING
AAAAAH
AAAAAAAH
WHAT IS IT

spoilers
it was a motherfucking snake
yeah so this dude was sending a poisonous snake through the ducts
in order to kill his step daughters
for their money
HOLY SHIT
but anyway holmes scares it
and it runs
uh
slithers?
Back through the ducts
and is all grrrrr I didn’t get to bite a lady

so he bites step-dad
who dies

so the moral I guess
is how the fuck did he train a snake to come on command?
Learn how to do that shit
and join the circus

So I understand how you might think that this is what Alisa does ALL THE TIME but that is not the case. In fact you are more likely to find her at her blog because she is too cool for xanga now.

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