Monthly Archives: August 2011

Shoemakers are far radder than Knights

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I learned this myth by reading someone’s shirt
or actually I had him read his shirt for me
because it was in polish and I don’t read CRAZY PEOPLE LANGUAGE
or polish for that matter

okay so there’s a dragon right

of COURSE there’s a dragon
because this is a fairytale
and I am gonna let you know right away
there are no princesses
or witches
or stepsisters or princes
so there’s GOT to be dragons otherwise who gives a shit?
but yeah this dragon is pretty great at its job
fricaseeing the townsfolk
barbecuing the sheep
flambeeing the houses
and what’s more
knights are coming from all over the place trying to kill it
and just straight failing
like they are all just boxcars on the failure express
running with maximum efficiency
next stop:
gettin-killed-by-dragons station
please no smoking, eating or gambling on the train
oh wait
it doesn’t mater
you’re dead
a dragon killed you

so yeah that is the situation
when one day this fucking shoemaker shows up out of nowhere
he goes up to the king and he’s like yo
what will you give me if I kill this dragon
and the king is like uh
how about my kingdom
sound good?
and the shoemaker is like well you are pretty shitty at bargaining
but yes that sounds fine

so what the shoemaker does
is he kills a sheep
and everyone’s like whoa what the fuck dude
that seems like the kind of thing the dragon does all the time
wait a second are you a dragon
and the shoemaker is like guys guys chill out
let me just skin this sheep real quick

so he skins the sheep
and then he fills the skin with PURE SULPHUR
i have no idea where he gets it but he has tons
and then he sews the skin all the way up
making this amazing sulphur stuffed fake sheep delicacy
and then he takes that sheep and chucks it in front of the dragon’s cave
and the dragon is like MM A SHEEP DON’T MIND IF I DO
CHOMP
and he eats that whole fucking terrible sulfur snack
and it makes him SOOOOOOO THIRSTY
that he has to run to the river and start drinking a ton of fucking water
now here is what i don’t understand
sulphur to me sounds like exactly the kind of thing dragons would eat ALL THE TIME
and water sounds like the opposite of that
but i guess this is just some kind of crazy bizarro dragon
whatever
the point is that the dragon keeps drinking out of that river for like YEARS
which i imagine is pretty terrible for the townsfolk because i feel like they need that water
probably more than they needed their sheep and their houses even
but it turns out to be ok
because the dragon eventually drinks enough water that he EXPLODES
and the day is saved

so then the shoemaker hits up the king like yo
i killed the dragon
kingdom plz
and the king is like what?
no
HAHA WHO’S THE EXPERT BARGAINER NOW DIPSHIT
and the shoemaker is like man what the fuck
and then he goes back to making shoes I guess

so the moral of the story
is if someone hires you to kill a dragon
get the terms down in writing
kings are generally shitty people

THE END

Tanukis Have Big Balls

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Hey
Hey you
Tanya
yeah that’s right I’m talking to you
no not you asshole
is your name Tanya?
didn’t think so.
okay
Tanya:
Cheer up
you have awesome friends and here is a story about raccoons with huge testicles
actually the raccoons thing is for everyone
and maybe you all have awesome friends too but I don’t know
the point is cheer up

okay so tanukis right?
this is some more japanese shit
and being japanese shit
you know it comes with the seal of ultimate japanese quality
ensuring a high density of rich, moist what-the-fuck every time
japan: the mythology you can trust
to be really messed up
but okay so what are tanukis?
first of all they are as adorable as a bullet train full of kittens
(assuming that conveying things at high speed makes them more adorable)
second of all they are a cross between raccoons and dogs
making them utterly terrifying ur-bastards of the highest caliber
and third of all they have the BIGGEST TESTICLES POSSIBLE
this is not a metaphor
these dudes were rooting through the bargain bin at Balls City
when they unearthed a whole case of super deluxe triple XL mentronomes
that they promptly superglued to their manplanks
and then proceeded to use the ungodly influx of testosterone
to go EVERYWHERE and cause ALL THE PROBLEMS
seriously go anywhere in japan
you will find statues of these little fuckers all over the place
getting shitfaced in straw hats
and then dropping ludicrously ill beats
drummed out on their DISTENDED MANBULGES
actually you know what
what i want you to do right now
is pause this myth for a second and go google image search “tanuki testicles”
yep
that’s right
those guys on the second row are using their balls to bludgeon large fish to death
guys i think i found the best google search

BUT YOU DID NOT COME HERE TO LISTEN TO ME WAX POETIC ON THE SIZE OF RACCOON BALLS
or if you are sort of psychic and also a little creepy
YOU CAME HERE TO HEAR A FUCKING MYTH
SO LET ME TELL YOU ONE
IT INVOLVES THE TANUKI

okay so there’s this tanuki right
he’s married to a fox chick
and they have a baby
the baby is a tanuki
not a fox
not a fox-tanuki
presumably because the baby tanuki used its massive fledgling testicles
to smother all of its fox DNA
but anyway this forest has been hunted all to shit
there’s like nothing to eat anywhere
and there are hunters running around all the time
and so the fox and the tanuki are getting pretty freaked out
and also starving to death
and they realize that if they don’t come up with a plan
they are gonna get fucked straight into an early grave
so finally the tanuki is like WAIT I KNOW
WE HAVE MAGIC SHAPESHIFTING POWERS
THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO FUCKING EASY WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT
so what they decide to do
is the fox turns into a dude
and the tanuki turns into a dead tanuki
and the fox carries the tanuki into town
and is like hey guys
who wants a tanuki
tanuki for sale
and everyone is like I WILL GIVE YOU A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THAT TESTICLE DOG
and the fox is like SOLD
and sells the tanuki
and then buys a ton of food
and meanwhile the Tanuki escapes from the house of the dude that bought him
and goes home
and everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because one of the sucky things about food
is it gets eaten and then it doesn’t exist anymore
and so eventually they need to come up with a plan to get more food
and the fox is like alright
fair is fair
you got to be the dead body last time
i want to be the dead body this time
plus it would be kind of suspicious of the same random stranger walked into town
with the same dead tanuki
like hey who wants to buy my balls raccoon for a second time
i swear it won’t run away
so the tanuki turns into a peasant dude
and the fox turns into a dead fox
and the tanuki carries the fox into town

but oh shit
some of those leviathan testicle veins must have burrowed into the tanuki’s skull
because this is the point where his balls sieze control of his entire brain
and start hammering on every single button marked “BAD DECISIONS”
see he gets into town and he negotiates a sale
and then he’s like hmm
you know one of the bad things about a wife
is you have to share food with her
so how about instead I tell the dude i’m selling my wife to
that she’s still alive
and then he’ll kill her
and i’ll live happily ever after!
HEY PEASANT DUDE WHY DON’T YOU BEAT THIS FOX OVER THE HEAD WITH A BRICK
and the peasant dude is like DON’T MIND IF I DO
and the fox is like hey husband what’s going OH SHIT
and the tanuki just goes out and gets trashed
and stumbles back home at like 3AM
TO HIS SON
like hey kid what’s up
and the kid is like hey dad what happened to mom
and the tanuki is like uh well
when a man and a woman love each other very very much
they definitely do not sell each other to peasants who then murder them
and you know I love your mother very very much
so uh
you know
not that?
and the kid is like uh sure

but as the days go by
the kid starts to get more and more suspicious
and also the tanuki is being a huge dick and not sharing any food with him
so he’s really got no love for this dude whatsoever
and finally one day he’s like yo dad
you know mom taught me all her magical secrets before she died
and the tanuki is like WHAAAAAAT?!
I mean
bullshit
prove it
and the kid is like ok
how about you go to a bridge in the forest
and I will shapeshift into something
and try to cross the bridge
and if you can recognize me you win
but if you can’t recognize me then fuck you dad
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON SON

so he goes to this bridge in the middle of the woods
and a few minutes later his son shows up
but his son doesn’t cross the bridge
NO NO NO NO NO
he just chills out by the far end of the bridge and waits
he waits for his dad to fuck himself over
and sure enough
here comes the local king on his chariot of jewels and human misery
and the tanuki is like HAHAHA NICE TRY SON
YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU AS A PROCESSION OF NOBLEMEN AND ALSO A CHARIOT
ALLOW ME TO RUN UP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE
and the king is like ok what the shit is this
why is a raccoon dog trying to blackjack me with his ballsack?
guards
I believe you are trained to handle wild animals and their comically large genitals?
and the guards are like SIR YES SIR
and throw the tanuki into the river
where he proceeds to fucking die
like an asshole
and then I guess the kid proceeds to starve to death
because he just killed his only surviving family member
and now who is he going to pretend to sell to the villagers?

so the moral of the story
is I know the temptation may be great
but try not to assume that everybody you meet is a shapeshifter
it is just as dangerous as not assuming everyone you meet is a shapeshifter

the end.

You Can’t Take a Shit in Japan Without Creating a Minor Diety

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Alright so someone
(specifically Jake “The Snake” Orphangrinder)
brought it to my attention that I haven’t really covered the Japanese pantheon
sure I’ve told you some folktales
like about idiots who spend centuries staring at foxes
and birds with very roundabout ways of distributing riches
and like some kind of baby with superpowers?
but i’m talking about the real shit
the assholes in the sky having sex and causing problems shit
and Mssr. Orphangrinder was kind enough to provide me with some internet hotlinks
directing me to this shit
so this is the shit I am talking about today

so where do we begin?
oh I know
HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING
DURRRR
okay so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in japan
in fact there are so many generations
that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH
what the fuck were those other generations of gods doing?
just chilling out in heaven
maybe having a few orgies
not fucking with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?
what kind of gods are these
gods with supernatural self control apparently

anyway after 7 generations here come the two main characters of this shitfest
Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)
and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)
(that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything
i just thought it would be a nice detail to include)
they are probably siblings based on how similar their names are
see also: tweedledee and tweedledum
and so this being mythology
their first act is to be like HEY
I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER
LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE
but of course seeing as all the gods have just been having orgies and chilling out
for MILLENIA
no one even knows what the fuck a marriage is
so Izanagi and Izanami have to make one from scratch
and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense
Izanagi’s like alright
what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEEALLY EXCITED
and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED
and then we’ll be married!
and Izanami is like sounds great
i mean normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to
but I guess I will make an exception because I am dying to get my bone on with you
so they do that
and then immediately get down to business
and Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby
BIG SURPRISE ASSHOLES
YALL ARE SIBLINGS
actually I want to go ahead and applaud the japanese
for having the first mythos that actually accurately portrays the outcome of incest
oh wait no
i spoke too soon
turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE FUCKING WEDDING
WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK GUYS IT’S UNLADYLIKE
so they take a mulligan on the marriage
and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut
and then they get bizzay
and give birth to
THE ISLAND OF JAPAN
OW
not only is that not a living thing
thus making it probably more mutant status than the leechbaby
just imagine trying to push japan out your ladyhole
Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story

oh I forgot to say
they fuck so hard in the water that they create bubbles
and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on earth
which is good
because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE
but even so
japan is not the last level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch
enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI
GOD OF FIRE
okay so you just gave birth to eight massive islands without a c section
good job
now let’s start from the top
except instead of landmasses
let’s use THE EMBODIMENT OF PURE FIRE
this is disgusting guys I am disgusted
oh also that’s finally what kills Izanami
so now she’s dead

but it’s okay
kind of
because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods shoot out of her corpse
like the god of earth and stuff
and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS
and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces
and guess what the pieces turn into
DING DING DING
MORE GODS
is there anything anyone can do in ancient japan that does not result in more gods?
answer: no

so then Izanami calms down a little bit
he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast
and he decides to go down to Yomi
which is japanese hell
and try and get her back
so he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like sup gurl
wanna come be alive with me again or something?
and Izanami is like aw shit man
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave
here let me introduce you to my friend persephone
i understand she had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
man I love when myths are fucking identical and there is no rational explanation why

so anyway Izanagi is pretty disappointed
but he decides to chill out in hell for a while anyway
except here’s the problem
at some point he lights a torch
and he sees his wife
and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS
and he’s like AW HELL NO GIRL
I WAS GONNA ASK ABOUT CONJUGAL VISITS IN HELL BUT I THINK I NEED TO CHANGE MY MIND
BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR
and Izanami is like man come back don’t be a pussy
and Izanagi is like HIGGITY-HELL NO
and Izanami is like fine asshole
how about I kill a thousand people a day for the REST OF ETERNITY
and Izanagi is like ok you do that
I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day
suck it uggo
or actually don’t
that’s kind of what this whole dispute is about come to think of it
and so I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while
where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills
and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes
and they keep doing that basically forever as far as I can tell
and that’s where overcrowding comes from!

so the moral of the story
is if you can avoid it
try not to be a mother goddess
you never know what the fuck they’re gonna try and get you to put in your womb

THE END.