Shoemakers are far radder than Knights

I learned this myth by reading someone’s shirt
or actually I had him read his shirt for me
because it was in polish and I don’t read CRAZY PEOPLE LANGUAGE
or polish for that matter

okay so there’s a dragon right

of COURSE there’s a dragon
because this is a fairytale
and I am gonna let you know right away
there are no princesses
or witches
or stepsisters or princes
so there’s GOT to be dragons otherwise who gives a shit?
but yeah this dragon is pretty great at its job
fricaseeing the townsfolk
barbecuing the sheep
flambeeing the houses
and what’s more
knights are coming from all over the place trying to kill it
and just straight failing
like they are all just boxcars on the failure express
running with maximum efficiency
next stop:
gettin-killed-by-dragons station
please no smoking, eating or gambling on the train
oh wait
it doesn’t mater
you’re dead
a dragon killed you

so yeah that is the situation
when one day this fucking shoemaker shows up out of nowhere
he goes up to the king and he’s like yo
what will you give me if I kill this dragon
and the king is like uh
how about my kingdom
sound good?
and the shoemaker is like well you are pretty shitty at bargaining
but yes that sounds fine

so what the shoemaker does
is he kills a sheep
and everyone’s like whoa what the fuck dude
that seems like the kind of thing the dragon does all the time
wait a second are you a dragon
and the shoemaker is like guys guys chill out
let me just skin this sheep real quick

so he skins the sheep
and then he fills the skin with PURE SULPHUR
i have no idea where he gets it but he has tons
and then he sews the skin all the way up
making this amazing sulphur stuffed fake sheep delicacy
and then he takes that sheep and chucks it in front of the dragon’s cave
and the dragon is like MM A SHEEP DON’T MIND IF I DO
and he eats that whole fucking terrible sulfur snack
and it makes him SOOOOOOO THIRSTY
that he has to run to the river and start drinking a ton of fucking water
now here is what i don’t understand
sulphur to me sounds like exactly the kind of thing dragons would eat ALL THE TIME
and water sounds like the opposite of that
but i guess this is just some kind of crazy bizarro dragon
the point is that the dragon keeps drinking out of that river for like YEARS
which i imagine is pretty terrible for the townsfolk because i feel like they need that water
probably more than they needed their sheep and their houses even
but it turns out to be ok
because the dragon eventually drinks enough water that he EXPLODES
and the day is saved

so then the shoemaker hits up the king like yo
i killed the dragon
kingdom plz
and the king is like what?
and the shoemaker is like man what the fuck
and then he goes back to making shoes I guess

so the moral of the story
is if someone hires you to kill a dragon
get the terms down in writing
kings are generally shitty people


3 thoughts on “Shoemakers are far radder than Knights

  1. Honestly, that seems like a pretty reasonable response on the King's part. Yeah, he killed the dragon, but he also covered the kingdom in nasty-ass dragon parts and drained away the water supply — thus single-handedly trashing the agrarian economy of the kingdom. Honestly, it sounds like he's almost as bad as the dragon.

    'Bernie Madoff' is right. Great story!

  2. Be honest Ovid, you wouldn’t care if you were married to a cobbler, you’d never use your spouse’s craft!

    – A fan who once said hi at a Here’s The Story. Keep up the great work!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *