STAR WARS, Episode VI: Maybe you could just blow up a little planet? No?

WELCOME BACK MY FRIENDS, TO THE BLACK HEART OF SPACE
YOU HAVE ARRIVED JUST IN TIME TO WATCH THIS TEXT FLOAT PAST US
the text is like
“Alright guys, you know the drill
Han Solo is frozen in carbonite
and everyone else has to go back to Tattooine to save him
also, the Rebels don’t know this yet
but the empire is building a whole new death star
holy shit, right?”
Man, if the rebels would just send out a probe to intercept this crazy space text
I think it would have a really profound effect on the intergalactic war.

Anyway, down on Tattooine Jabba the Hutt is having a crazy party
this party is known as Jabba the Hutt’s entire life
seriously, this guy is constantly submerged in an underground bunker
flooded with smooth jazz, whores, and good times
when all of a sudden R2D2 humps down the door with his metal dick
followed closely by the nebula of cowardice and complaints that calls itself C3PO
and R2D2 busts out a sweet hologram of a gothed-up Luke Skywalker
who is like “Jabba, my man
you should give me Han Solo. I will totally pay top dollar for him.
As a token of my friendship, have these droids!”
and the droids are like WHAT
and then this bounty hunter busts in dragging chewbacca and demanding space dollars
but then it turns out that the bounty hunter is actually princess Leia
and she uses her disguise to unfreeze Han Solo
and make out with him while he’s blind from carbonite poisoning
except it turns out Jabba the Hutt saw this lameass plan coming a mile away
so he throws EVERYBODY in prison
except for princess leia, who he throws into a bikini and then ties to his neck
and then Luke finally decides to show up

So apparently since last episode, luke has changed a few things:
1) he has figured out what to do with his ugly-ass hair
2) he has started dressing in all-black and wearing a skirt
3) he has somehow convinced himself he is obi wan kenobi
so he walks into Jabba’s room in a dumb robe all like YOU WILL GIVE ME BACK HAN SOLO
and Jabba is like “Bitch please
that jedi shit don’t work on me
allow me to feed you TO THE RANCOR.”
So Luke falls into a pit and has to fight a monster, which he does no problem
and then he gets captured again, and Jabba is like “okay
I guess the monster i tried to feed you to didn’t have a large enough mouth.
TIME TO FEED YOU TO A MONSTER THAT IS BASICALLY JUST A GIANT MOUTH”
seriously, has this guy not heard of lasers?
They are a safe and effective way to murder people
they do not require feeding or cleaning up after
they really are the way of the future!

But no, instead they stick Luke and friends on a landspeeder
and cart them over to this pulsing alien sphincter that lives in the desert
and they’re about to make him walk the plank
when R2D2 shoots luke’s lightsaber out of his face and luke kills EVERYONE
because apprently
THIS WAS HIS PLAN ALL ALONG.
Wait, who plans for this?
Who the fuck makes this kind of plan?
Well, whatever. The point is they all get away
including Leia, who strangles Jabba with his own sex-chain
and Han Solo is pretty traumatized
but he consoles himself with the fact that at least he got to see Leia in a bikini.

So that’s good
Luke did something positive for a change
and now he has to go fuck it all up
by going to visit Yoda again to get more terrible advice.
Luckily, by the time he arrives, yoda is pretty much dead
his lifetime of living in swamps and being a tiny green bastard finally caught up with him
so Luke is like “Hey, Yoda
before you die or whatever, could you finish training me?
You know, like you said you were gonna before I peaced out last time?”
and Yoda is like “Oh that
no, you don’t need any more training. That shit is over”
and Luke is like “Wait, so I’m technically a Jedi then, right?”
and Yoda is like “No, you still have to do one more thing”
and Luke is like “What?”
and Yoda is like “You have to go fight Darth Vader.”
and Luke is like “Wait, I already did that.
See, he chopped off my hand!”
and Yoda is like “You have to do it … again.”
Okay now wait just a goddamn second
last time Luke left Dagobah to go fight darth vader
Yoda was like “No man, don’t go, it’s a terrible idea
you have to finish your training!”
and then when luke finally came back to do what yoda said
it turns out that the final stage of his training
IS THE EXACT THING HE LEFT HIS TRAINING TO GO DO?!
WHAT THE FUCK YODA
WHAT THE PERFECT FUCK
I’M GLAD YOU JUST DIED
BECAUSE I WOULD PUNCH THROUGH CINEMATIC HISTORY TO WRECK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW

oh but before yoda dies, he totally confirms that Darth Vader is Luke’s father
and that he turned evil and stuff
and also he tells luke that he has a sister
but then he really does have to die
so it’s time for Obi Wan’s ghost to show up and finish the story:
see, it turns out that Luke’s sister
IS PRINCESS FUCKING LEIA
yeah that’s right, guys
for those of you with doubts about whether Star Wars qualifies as a myth
in the space of one scene we just got:
“Kill your father
and that chick you’re trying to bang is your sister”
INCEST AND PATRICIDE
TWO GREAT TASTES THAT DISSOLVE ENTIRE FAMILIES
WELCOME TO THE CANON, GEORGE LUCAS

So while Luke is busy getting a genealogy lesson from green midgets and ghosts
everyone else is back at the rebel fleet, learning actually important things
it seems as if the rebels have finally intercepted the flying space text
so they know about the new death star
and they also know that it is protected by a shield
that is being generated on the planet it is orbiting, which is called Endor
So Lando Calrizzian
whose name has become no less awesome since last episode
volunteers to go blow up the death star
and Han Solo volunteers to go blow up the shield generator
and Princess Leia is like “I will go with you and then we can make out some more”
and Chewbacca is like “GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG”
and Luke busts in like “AND MY AXE”
so the gang is back together, complete with the neurotic robot versions of Penn and Teller:
C3PO and R2D2.

So Han and Co go to sneak onto Endor
but immediately their plan is put in danger
by the fact that Darth Vader can literally smell Luke coming from LIGHT-YEARS away.
He doesn’t care, though
he lets them get through, for god-knows-what reason
and then he goes to talk to his boss.
YUP THAT’S RIGHT
Baron Chokeslams Von Evilmask has a boss
his boss’s name is THE EMPEROR
and he looks a lot like my great grandmother.
His main role in this whole thing
is to constantly remark at how everything is going according to plan
while simultaneously making the dumbest plans imaginable.
Right now his plan is to hide all his spaceships on the opposite side of the planet from the death star
and then send Darth Vader down to Endor to wait for luke to come turn himself in.

Meanwhile, Han and everybody are down on Endor partying it up with the locals
who kinda look like anthropomorphic terriers who have learned to use spears
and have mistaken C3PO for some kinda god
which is nice for him
cause it’s the first time anyone’s mistaken him for anything other than an ambulatory toilet
but in the middle of this huge party, Luke is out on the balcony, moping his ass off
he’s like “Hey Leia
turns out you’re my sister.”
and Leia is like “Somehow…
I always knew.”
And Luke is like “Well I sure as shit didn’t!
I was looking forward to exploring every vector of sex-space with your fine, fine ass!
What am I supposed to do now, huh?
Do you realize that you are the only female character in this whole trilogy?”
And Leia’s like “Well that’s not true!
What about that green slave girl from Jabba’s place?”
and Luke is like “THEY DROPPED HER INTO THE RANCOR PIT, LEIA.
SHE WAS SO HOT AND GREEN AND THEY FED HER TO THE FUCKING RANCOR.
Man, fuck this, I’m gonna go turn myself in to Darth Vader.”

So he does, apparently with the intention of turning Darth Vader good?
Thus totally validating the Emperor’s shitty plan
so obviously darth vader puts him in handcuffs and takes him to the death star
where the emperor is waiting
TO TURN HIM EVIL

Here is the emperor’s great plan:
step one: bring Luke Skywalker to his secret lair inside the death star
step two: lay his light saber out in plain view
step three: make him watch all the rebel ships get blown up
while repeatedly daring him to stab you in the chest
because if he stabs you in the chest it will somehow turn him evil?
PURE GENIUS
So it’s no surprise when luke snaps and starts trying to stab him
but he ends up having to stab darth vader instead
except he keeps pussing out and refusing to fight
so darth vader has to keep trying to stab him
and finally luke loses his shit and chops off Vader’s hand
but then his conscience kicks in like “Luke!
Don’t kill all the evil guys and make a glorious escape!
That’s exactly what they want you to do!”
so instead he throws away his lightsaber, like an idiot
and the emperor responds in the only sensible way
which is to get up and shoot LIGHTNING OUT OF HIS HANDS.
Just a thought, but if you are trying to convert someone to the dark side
a good up-front selling point might be “hey:
it lets you shoot FUCKING LIGHTNING OUT OF YOUR HANDS”
I think maybe Luke might have made a different decision
had he known about the sweet lightning-related prospects in store.
But no
instead what happens is that Vader finally gets tired of watching his son have siezures
and just picks the emperor up and throws him off a bridge
and then the emperor explodes, and it’s awesome.

But what’s not as awesome is that now darth vader is going to die
because I guess picking up a dude who is covered in lightning is a bad thing to do
and before he dies he’s like “Oh man, luke
you totally turned me good or something.
Great job.
Take off my mask so I can look at your beautiful face.”
So luke takes off the mask
and it turns out that his beloved father
looks a lot like a leukemia-riddled eunuch with a harmonica in his mouth
and Luke is so freaked out
that he immediately teleports straight out of the death star and onto Endor
just so he can set his dad’s body on fire and never look at it again
(or at least I can’t think of any other explanation for how he gets off of that space station)
which is a good thing
because Han and R2D2 just pried the deflector shield open with their metal dicks
and Lando Calrizzian blew up the death star
and then everybody on all the planets began to party more heartily than ever before.

Okay, so let’s take a step back for a second
over the course of this three-episode laser orgy
what has Luke Skywalker actually accomplished?
He didn’t save his aunt and uncle from the Empire
he didn’t save his friends in cloud city
and while his buddies were busy busting their asses to blow up the death star
he was busy bonding with his father over the exploding corpse of a geriatric psycopath
sure he blew up the death star
but only because Han Solo saved his ass with lasers
and then later, saved his ass AGAIN by cutting open an animal and HIDING HIM INSIDE OF IT.
On his own, Luke is about as helpful in a galactic conflict as a hefty bag full of dead fish
it seems like his main purpose in the story as a whole
is to keep the wayward ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi entertained

so I guess after all that
the moral of the story has to be
that if you find yourself suddenly in the midst of a space opera
try to be the protagonist
it’s a pretty sweet deal.

THE END.

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STAR WARS, Episode V: Even fewer planets blow up

So when last we left our heroes
they had just blown up a big ball of apocalypse called THE DEATH STAR
and everybody got prizes and junk
but ALL IS NOT WELL
because remember that floating space-text from the beginning of the last episode?
WELL IT’S BACK
AND IT’S STATING THE OBVIOUS
it’s all
“Hey guys welcome back to star wars
Luke Skywalker totally rocked that death star
but it doesn’t matter, because the Empire has like a million ships
so they kicked the rebels off their home planet anyway
and now Luke has lead them ACROSS THE GALAXY
to hide on some godforsaken ice world called Hoth”
I don’t know how Luke got to be the leader all of a sudden
blowing up a big spaceship doesn’t exactly qualify you for command
but I guess that’s why everyone ended up on A GODFORSAKEN ICE WORLD.

Anyway, now that the flying space-text has gone off to bother someone else
let’s get down to business:
So Darth Vader has no idea where the rebels are at
and he attempts to solve this by having his whole fleet shit out like a million probes
and one of those probes lands on Hoth
where Luke Skywalker is busy getting his ass beat by a yeti
and then freezing to death in the snow
and then the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi appears like “Luke
take off your clothes
the snow will not harm you
also you should ditch all your friends and go to planet Dagobah
and find this dude Yoda who used to teach me stuff”
so luke’s getting his full delirium on at this point
but it’s okay
because Han Solo saves him by finding him in the blizzard and stuffing him inside a dead animal.

Yeah, Han Solo is still hanging out with the idiot patrol
even though he’s clearly got more awesome shit to do
because he really, REALLY wants to bone Princess Leia
and she is totally down
but she’s gotta pretend like she’s not
and do weird shit like make out with Luke while he’s injured
in a desperate attempt to keep pace with Han Solo’s own douchebaggery

Anyway, there’s no more time for romantic subplots right now
cause remember that probe that hit the planet earlier?
It totally sent a message back to Darth Vader
and now he’s here
with like 100% of the guns
and the Rebels have to haul ass to get off the planet before Vader sets it on fire
a couple of dudes get blown up, but they weren’t very important
basically if Luke exchanges witty banter with anyone right before he gets into his fighter
that dude is about to die
and no one is about to care.

So now Luke is in space
bout to rejoin all the other rebels and go wherever rebels go
but then he’s like “wait a second
why am I rejoining all the rebels
when I could instead be listening to more of Obi Wan’s shitty advice?
SEEMS LIKE A NO-BRAINER TO ME.
YO R2D2:
NEXT STOP
DAGOBAH”
(oh yeah, R2D2 is with him in case any problems need to be miraculously solved)

Meanwhile, Han Solo is busting all manner of fancy maneuvers to escape the Imperial fleet
and he’s maybe even showing off a little
because he managed to con princess Leia into getting on board with him
along with Chewbacca and C3PO
(in case anyone needs to make a bunch of crazy yelling noises or be afraid of everything)
so Han is hauling ass away from the bad guys
but his hyperspace drive is broken
so he opts for the next best thing:
FLYING DIRECTLY INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD
AND THEN ACTUALLY INSIDE OF A HUGE ASTEROID
UP A GIANT SPACE-WORM’S ASS
AND THEN OUT OF ITS MOUTH
only he didn’t count on Darth Vader sending his entire fleet into the asteroid field
sustaining UNTOLD DAMAGE for the sake of four space-jerks in a broken ship
but he thinks fast
and instead of running away
he just charges straight for one of those imperial cruisers
and latches onto the back of one of the guard towers and pretends to be
like
a space barnacle
until the cruiser jettisons its garbage and then he just floats away with it
EXCEPT WHAT HAN SOLO DIDN’T COUNT ON
WAS BOBA FUCKING FETT
who is just some bounty hunter who sounds like Tom Waits trying to be mean over an intercom
but he also happens to be clever enough to follow Han and crew
all the way to their destination in someplace called CLOUD CITY
oh yeah, and Han and Leia have been totally making out this whole time.

MEANWHILE
Luke has crashed his plane in the middle of a swamp on Dagobah.
Wait what am I saying
this whole planet is a fucking swamp
why would a Jedi master willingly choose to live here? This is terrible.
Well, luke is clearly wondering the same thing
and he’s just settling down to eat some dinner
when this creepy green muppet shows up
and just blithely starts sticking its wrinkled proboscis into all the food
and not just food either
this little dude is just romping around, stealing Luke’s shit
and then just when Luke is about to punt his green dwarf face off
he’s like “MM
LOOKING FOR YODA, YOU ARE?
LEMME TALK REAL WEIRD AND STRING YOU ALONG FOR A WHILE
BEFORE ULTIMATELY REVEALING THAT THAT’S WHO I AM”
and Luke is like “Sounds good, Yoda.
Alright, listen
you seem perhaps even more radically stupid than Obi Wan
so I know you must be a formidable Jedi.
Will you teach me your stuff?”
and Yoda is like “Nope.
You are not chill enough.”
and Luke is like “Dude!
I am so chill though!
Watch, this is me being chill!”
and Obi Wan’s ghost is like “You know he’s right, Yoda
he is pretty chill”
and Yoda’s like “okay, fine
but if shit gets fucked up I am not taking responsibility.”

What follows is one of those training montages
in which yoda repeatedly insists that Luke use the force to lift stuff
while doing handstands.
the handstands seem to be crucial.
Then one day Yoda tells luke to go into a cave
luke starts to put on his weapons
but Yoda is like “nah man, you don’t need those”
and Luke is like “Now wait just a goddamn minute
every single piece of advice you robe-wearing
telekinesis-having disaster engines have given me
has been 100% certified terrible.
Pardon me if I don’t believe you when you say I don’t need weapons in the scary hole.”
HOLY SHIT
DID YOU SEE THAT GUYS?
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS STORY
LUKE IS SHOWING THE FAINTEST STIRRINGS OF SOME CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS?
and it’s a good thing he brought his weapons, too
because you know who’s in that cave?
DARTH FUCKING VADER
so Luke kills him
but then Vader’s mask comes off and it’s actually LUKE’S OWN FACE
OHHHHH NOOOOOO LUKE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
YOU CUT OFF YOUR FACE WITH A LASER SWORD
oh no wait it was just a hallucination or something

so long story short luke keeps training on Dagobah
until all of a sudden he’s like “OH NO
MY FRIENDS ARE IN DANGER.
I GOTTA GO SAVE THEM”
and Yoda is like “No dude, be chill”
and Luke is like “HOW CAN I BE CHILL WITH ALL THIS DANGER FLYING AROUND?”
and Yoda is like “Dude, if you go now
you will totally not be ready to defeat Darth Vader
and he’s going to make you his bitch
and then you might turn evil!”
and Luke is like “Hey:
Whatever”
and then he flies off in his spaceship.

MEANWHILE IN CLOUD CITY
Han Solo has landed at the home base of his old bro LANDO CALRIZZIAN
who so far wins best name in Star Wars.
Lando is an ex-smuggler/gambler
who has risen to the position of pimpmaster general of the mining operation on cloud city
I am not sure what they mine way the fuck up there
but it must be something good
because Lando has a sweet cape and an army of cyborg soldiers
and he is hitting on Leia so hard I am surprised she does not have a concussion.
Also C3PO makes himself useful
by immediately wandering off and getting exploded.

But so it turns out that Lando is a huge prick
who made a deal with Darth Vader
that if he turned in Han Solo, the Empire would leave Cloud City the fuck alone
so now Darth Vader is here, ruining everything
and everyone gets thrown in prison
including C3P0, who chewbacca found and partially rebuilt
and is carrying around in a kind of fishnet backpack.
But how did Darth Vader get here so fast, you ask?
Well, cause of Boba Fett
DUH
and Boba Fett wants Han Solo
so he can turn him over to that big slug Jabba the Hutt
the one Han owes a bunch of money to.
so they freeze-dry han solo
and lock everyone else up
and THIS IS WHEN LUKE ARRIVES

but here’s what luke doesn’t know:
Darth Vader totally set all this shit up just to trap him and turn him evil
Darth Vader spends a lot of time thinking about this shit
while encased in an evil black robot egg in his study
or else while talking to a giant wrinkled hologram head
basically what I am saying is that darth vader has laid a trap
and Luke Skywalker has just flown across the galaxy to stick his dick in it
and he’s really got no excuse
because when he gets to Cloud City
he catches a quick glimpse of Leia getting carted off
and she’s like “LUKE:
DUDE:
IT’S SO COMPLETELY A TRAP.”
But I guess Luke has really gotten into this whole not-listening-to-advice thing
having learned that his Jedi Masters are generally full of shit
so he figures Leia must be full of shit too
and he just walks right into the freeze-drying-dudes chamber
where Darth Vader is waiting for him

so they swing their laserdicks at each other for a while
and Darth Vader tries to get luke to be really evil
or at least fall in the freeze-dry pit
and then finally he’s just like “fuck it”
and he chops off Luke’s hand and he’s like “You know what?”
and Luke is like “Ow, What?”
and Vader is like “I’m your dad.”
and Luke is like “Bullshit.”
And Vader is like “No, for real though.”
and Luke is like “Well shit, why didn’t anybody tell me?”
and Vader is like “I dunno dude
that seems like the first thing you would tell somebody
who is about to go try to kill his dad.
But hey, come on
let’s go rule the galaxy together as father and son.
I can get you a sweet new robot hand
and you can have one of these weird masks too if you want
and we can get James Earl Jones to do your voiceover.
It’ll be great.”
And Luke is like “You know, actually I’m a little bit hurt
that all this time
my dad has been emperor of the galaxy
and yet you never bothered to call or write or anything.
We live in an era of faster than light travel.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Thanks for the offer,
but I think I’d rather hurl myself blindly to my death in this pit we’re standing over.
DECISIONS!”

So Luke jumps off a bridge and falls down a bunch of tubes
and then he uses his telepathy to tell Leia to come get him in Han’s spaceship
because yeah, guess what?
While Luke was busy learning about family history
Chewbacca, C3PO, R2D2, Leia and even Lando Calrizzian all managed to escape
ON THEIR OWN
with nothing but their wits and Lando’s army of obedient cyborgs
so it looks like Luke hauled ass all the way across the galaxy and got his hand chopped off
FOR NOTHING
although i guess it’s not a big deal
because he gets a fully articulated robot hand in the very next scene
and everyone agrees that this is awesome
and that they will all meet up back on Tattooine in the next episode
to go get Han Solo out of deep freeze.

So the moral of the story
is that I guess blithely ignoring everyone’s warnings and advice
isn’t ALWAYS the way to go.

TO BE CONTINUED AGAIN

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STAR WARS, Episode IV: Not Enough Planets Explode

Okay so way back in the day
in a galaxy that is way the fuck out there
there is a big empty chunk of space
with a bunch of words flying through it
and the words are like “hey guys
you are about to see some star wars
these wars are because some guys called the Empire built a death star
which is the kind of star you build when you want to blow up other stars
and then they were like ‘hey, everyone else in the galaxy
we are going to blow you up with this thing if you don’t do what we say’
but then some other dudes were like ‘no way!
we’re going to blow up that thing you have instead!’
but it turns out the death star is pretty much invincible
so this chick named Princess Leia had to steal the plans for it
to bring them to the rebel dudes
but remember
the Empire has a fucking DEATH STAR
so they pretty much do whatever
and now they’re about to jack Princess Leia and fuck up her shit”
and then once everyone is up to speed on what’s going on
the floating text RECEDES INTO SPACE
to provide nomadic exposition to aliens in FAR OFF GALAXIES.

so then all of a sudden, here comes princess Leia on her ship
and all the Empire dudes are totally shooting it with guns and junk
and this dude Darth Vader busts in
totally goth’d out in his black cape and robot hands
and he’s like “YO PRINCESS LEIA
WHERE DA PLANS AT”
and Princess Leia is like “Haha, joke’s on you, I shoved them up a droid’s ass
and then shot the droid and his neurotic droid lover into space”
(the droid and his lover are named R2D2 and C3PO by the way)
and Darth Vader is like “FUCK
GIRL I AM ABOUT TO TORTURE YOU SO HARD”

okay so MEANWHILE, down on Tatooine
(the sweaty, sand-encrusted left-testicle of the galaxy)
R2D2 and C3PO have landed and they are supposed to find this dude named Obi Wan
or at least, R2D2 is supposed to find him
C3PO’s job is to be a little bitch in a hundred different languages
so obviously they have a little lover’s tiff and they split up
but then they both get captured by glowy-eyed midgets who sell them to a farm

now
this farm is not just any farm
because on this farm
they have
OUR PROTAGONIST
LUKE “SEXY-BOY” SKYWALKER
and Luke’s uncle, who owns the farm is like “BOY
GO CLEAN THESE STOLEN DROIDS I JUST BOUGHT”
and Luke is like “Aww mannn I was gonna go get ripped with my homies
I wish my dad wasn’t dead
I bet he would let me go get ripped with my homies”
and Luke’s uncle is like “That is the shittiest reason ever
to wish that your dad wasn’t dead”
and while they are talking shit at each other
R2D2 runs away and luke has to chase him(?)
and then he and C3PO and R2D2 all get ambushed by some sand people
who are just dudes who live in the sand and wear weird masks
but it’s okay because this rad wizard shows up and beats their asses
and then it turns out that it’s OBI WAN KENOBI
THE DUDE R2D2 WAS LOOKING FOR
HOW CONVENIENT

so Luke and Obi Wan and their robot pals go back to Obi Wan’s crib
and R2D2 disgorges all this information that princess leia stuffed into his face
oh by the way
you should know that R2D2 basically looks like a metal gumdrop skewered on a tripod
and each leg of the tripod has roller skates
(C3PO just looks like a shiny metal jackass)
anyway, this picture of Princess Leia shoots out of R2D2′s face
and it’s like “Hey Obi Wan
get this droid to my home planet of Alderaan
it has all manner of crucial plans on it and whatnot”
and Obi Wan
who is a rad wizard
but is also pretty old
is like “Well shit
if I am about to go on a wild intergalactic adventure
it might be nice to have some new, impressionable blood along for the ride
WHAT DO YOU SAY, LUKE?
and Luke is like “Dude
I just found out your real name like 10 minutes ago
and now you want me to go help you blow up something called the DEATH STAR?
My friend
that thing
has DEATH
RIGHT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING NAME.
Plus, I gotta, uh, help my uncle with the farm.
Sorry bro.
Next rebellion, maybe.”
and Obi wan is like “boy
fuck your uncle
fuck his farm
fuck not joining an incredibly dangerous intergalactic war
I’m a friend of your dad’s
and your dad was totally killed by that Darth Vader guy
so you should definitely risk your life to avenge him or something
here
have some weapons and my crazy space religion!”
WOW
OBI WAN IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST INFLUENCE.
HE’S LIKE THIS CRAZY HOBO WIZARD
WHO JUST HITS UP YOUNG MEN AND HANDS THEM LASER SWORDS AND RELIGIOUS DOCTIRNE

So Luke turns down this compelling offer
like any smart dude would
but then he jets home to grab a sandwich
only to be confronted by HIS UNCLE’S CHARRED CORPSE
cause yeah
looks like imperial troops beamed down and shot everything while Luke was out
It’s like these dudes are BEGGING Luke to come ruin their shit

So Luke goes back and finds Obi Wan and the robots
who are all busy burning a pile of midget corpses for some reason
and he’s like “Alright dude
Let’s go fight some space nazis.”

So Luke drives everybody to the spaceport in his sweet convertible
and Obi Wan immediately starts running around
proving what a fucking loose cannon he is.
first he mind controls some police officers
then he goes into a bar and cuts off some guy’s arm
and then he gets down to business
and starts hiring smugglers to take him to Alderaan
MY FRIENDS
WHY IS THIS GERIATRIC HERMIT SO GOOD AT CRIMES?
IF I SAID IT ONCE, I’LL SAY IT AGAIN:
LUKE SHOULD NOT BE HANGING OUT WITH THIS GUY.
but oh yeah
you want to hear about the smuggler:

HAN
FUCKING
SOLO
if there was a dickhead olympics
this guy would not be the gold medalist
he would not be the silver medalist
he would not be the bronze medalist
no,
if there were a dickhead Olympics
Han Solo would not even be in the competition
because someone would have ground him up and made him into DICKHEAD STEROIDS

so Obi Wan hires this jerk machine, along with his Armenian co-pilot, Chewbacca
which is really good for Han Solo
because he owes a lot of money to this giant slug named Jabba the Hutt
and in fact right after Obi Wan and Luke leave
one of Jabba’s dudes comes to kill Han
but Han just shoots some lasers out of his dick and then he leaves too
because he may be a twat
but he’s a twat with BALLS.
then everybody has to run away from more space nazis

MEANWHILE
Darth Vader and his posse are chilling on the death star
and everyone is like “DARTH VADER
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP TORTURING PRINCESS LEIA SO MUCH
THE GALACTIC SENATE WILL BE DISPLEASED”
and Darth Vader is like “FUCK A GALACTIC SENATE
DISSOLVE THAT SHIT
WE HAVE A GUN THAT BLOWS UP PLANETS.
COME ON”
Then he chokes some guy with his mind because he can

oh yeah, now would be a great time to explain Obi Wan’s crazy space religion
so basically there’s this thing called The Force
it’s like any other kind of mystical bullshit
except it lets you do stuff like brainwash the police and choke people with your mind.
Pretty much it is like Taoism but for CRIME.
Oh and Darth Vader is in this religion too.
It’s pretty much just Obi Wan and Darth Vader
great religion, guys.

So anyway, Darth Vader gets tired of torturing Princess Leia
so he brings her out of the torture room
and he’s like “hey
I just remembered I have a gun that explodes planets.
Tell me where the rebels are at or I will explode your planet.”
and Leia is like “Oh fuck
it’s uh
right over there.”
And Darth Vader is like “Thanks.
Still gonna blow up your planet, though.”
BOOM
SO COOOOL.

But here’s the thing
first of all, Leia totally lied about where the rebel base is
but second of all
Leia is from Alderaan
and that’s where Han Solo and the good ship Jerkass are headed right now
so they come out of hyperspace
(while Obi Wan is making Luke dodge lasers blindfolded
BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE INFLUENCE)
they are right in the middle of a bigass asteroid field
which turns out to be the remains of Alderaan
and then they look to their left and OH NO
IT’S THE DEATH STAR
AND IT HAS THEM IN A TRACTOR BEAM

So now they’re on the Death Star
and they’ve gotta be real sneaky and wear disguises
and they figure out that if they can disable the beam they can leave
so Obi Wan drags his old ass off to do that alone for some reason
and then Luke notices that Princess Leia is in the dungeon
and he totally wants to bone her
because he saw her in that hologram back at the beginning
and you don’t get to pick and choose your spank bank material when you live on Tatooine
so he’s like LET’S GO GET THE PRINCESS
and Han Solo is like UH NO
and Luke is like SHE’S WAY RICH
and Han Solo is like SOLD
completely ignoring the fact
that how is princess leia gonna be rich
when the planet she is princess of JUST FUCKING EXPLODED
but anyway, Han and Luke and Chewbacca go to get the princess
and R2D2 and C3PO stay by the ship
to be a badass and a pussnexus respectively

So what Luke and Han do
is they dress up like some of the nazi dudes
and they pretend Chewbacca is their prisoner
and they take him all the way to the dungeon
and then they get impatient and shoot everyone
and someone calls the prison guards on the radio
to see if they’re ok
and Han Solo gets frustrated and just shoots the radio
which means that princess Leia and Han and everybody
have to jump into the trash chute to escape
and they’re going to get crushed
but R2D2 fixes it
because he has a metal dick that solves problems.

So then they’re all running back to the ship
and meanwhile Obi Wan has disabled the tractor beam
but then he kinda goes out of his way to find darth vader
so those dudes whip out their laserdicks and start slappin’
but Obi Wan has a secret
which is that he’s a crazy old man who wants to fucking die
so when Luke runs past and sees what’s up
Obi Wan straight DROPS HIS LIGHTSABER
and Darth Vader kills him
and Luke is like OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Han Solo is like GET ON THIS SHIP SO I CAN BANG THE PRINCESS

because see
here is the thing
Luke may have this nancy-boy puppy love thing going on
but from the moment they dragged her out of her prison cell
Leia was immediately and inextricably drawn into the orbit
of the binary star that is Han Solo’s two massive testicles
I mean all you gotta do
is listen to the insults these two lovebirds are hurling back and forth
to know that those two are gearing up for a legendary hatefuck.

ANYWAY
now they fly to the rebel base on the moon of some planet somewhere
and they deliver the droids with the plans
and they figure out the death star’s ONLY WEAKNESS
which is a tiny exhaust pipe at the ass end of a trench bathed in lasers.
Some people say it’s stupid that the death star has this weakness
but I think if you build a spaceship the size of a planet
you’re doing pretty good
if you can get your crucial structural flaws down to ONE METER SQUARE.
But luke doesn’t give a fuck
he is absolutely convinced that he can do this
because he used to fly a crop duster or some shit back on Tattoine
All he needs is a few weeks to train with his fighter squadron and
OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
IT LOOKS LIKE DARTH VADER PUT A TRACKING DEVICE ON HAN SOLO’S SHIP
AND NOW SHIT IS APPROACHING THE FAN AT NEAR-LIGHT-SPEED.

So everybody gets in their spaceships and goes to blow up the death star
and this may come as a shock to you guys
(I know it came as a shock to me)
but I find space battles pretty fucking boring
so lemme give you the rundown:
pretty much all the rebels die
and Darth Vader makes the dumb decision to come fly a space fighter himself
and then Luke goes to go shoot the exhaust pipe
and he’s almost there
when the ghost of Obi Wan shows up
and tells him to CLOSE HIS EYES AND DISABLE HIS TARGETING COMPUTER.
MY FRIENDS:
WHAT DO I KEEP SAYING ABOUT OBI WAN KENOBI
and then Darth Vader is about to shoot Luke
but Han Solo shows up and saves him with guns
conveniently blasting Darth Vader clear of the death star
which Luke somehow manages to destroy despite Obi Wan’s interference
and then everyone gets medals and Han is on the fast track to some Princess Poontang
and it’s all thanks to Obi Wan
…somehow

So I guess the moral of the story
is that just because someone lives alone in the desert
makes a habit of passing out powerful beam weapons to teens
subscribes to an archaic religion with fantastic potential for abuse
is intricately familiar with the criminal underworld
and is prone to random bouts of suicide
doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily make a bad mentor.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Vasalissa Has a Scary Doll

Alright my little boner bundles
today’s myth is from Russia
and I would not even know about it
if not for the tender ministrations
of sexy chef Marjoram “Garlic Love” Cuminstein
here it goes:

Okay so there’s this chick Vasalissa
she has a mom for like ten minutes
and during those ten minutes
her mom gives her a doll and she is like “yo
this doll is magical as fuck
if you feed it food
it will talk to you and solve all your problems.”
then the mom dies
because this is a fairytale and that is how they do

let’s fast forward real quick
because if you’ve read any fairytale ever
you probably know what happens next:
the dad marries some bitch with two bitchy daughters
and then proceeds to go on a ton of business trips and shit
to give the evil stepmother ample time for child abusin’
the only difference is that in this story
Vasalissa pretty much gives no fucks
because every time her stepmother gives her a shitty chore to do
the magic doll just does it instead
and whenever she gets upset and asks the doll what to do
the doll is just like “whatever bitch
just go to sleep”
and then she does and she feels great

So basically Vasalissa spends years literally doing nothing but sleeping
well
sleeping and stuffing food into a doll’s mouth
and then finally her dad goes away on the ULTIMATE BUSINESS TRIP
and her stepmother is like “yo
Vasalissa
it looks like your dad abandoned us
he stopped sending us money and stuff
TIME TO MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS”
except that what is really happening
is that the stepmother is hiding all the money and the letters
that the dad is writing
and she really just wants to move because all the neighbors hate her
because she sucks
honestly, though
this seems like a pretty dumb decision to me
because if they go live in the middle of the woods
how is the evil stepmother gonna get at all the money the dad sends home?
i do not think they had mail forwarding in ancient sad-ass russia
seems like this crazy jerk lady is just screwing herself out of free money
but whatever

so anyway, now they’re out in the middle of the woods
and Vasalissa is freaking out
so she stuffs some food into her doll and she’s like “doll
what do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch, be cool
just go to sleep.”
and Vasalissa is like “wow, that makes me feel a lot better!”
and then she does.

so this goes on for a while
and when Vasalissa repeatedly fails to just die in the forest
the stepmother gets impatient and comes up with a plan
so what she does is she gets both her daughters
and puts them in a room with Vasalissa
and has them all start sewing
and then she goes around and turns off all the candles in the house
except for the one in the sewing room
and then WHOOPS
she accidentally turns off that one too
and then she’s like “OH NO
VASALISSA
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE TO GO TO OUR NEIGHBOR TO GET SOME FIRE
BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE MATCHES IN OLD SAD-ASS RUSSIA
too bad our closest neighbor is none other
than BABA FUCKING YAGA
THAT MEAN-ASS WITCH WITH METAL TEETH AND A BAAAD ATTITUDE”
and Vasalissa
seeing as she has spent her entire life so far pretty much consequence-free
is like “okay, that sounds cool
see you punks later”

So she goes over to Baba Yaga’s house
and on the way she gets passed by some white dude on a white horse
and all of a sudden the sun starts coming up
and then this red dude on a red horse rides by
and the sun comes all the way up!
and then when she finally gets to Baba Yaga’s house
(which is a constantly spinning penthouse on chicken legs
surrounded by a fence made of skulls, hands, teeth and fire)
this black dude on a black horse rides by her
and jumps over the fence
and DISAPPEARS
and then it is night time
and then Baba Yaga finally shows up
riding her magic mixing bowl
by jamming her mixing rod into it over and over again
in a totally nonsexual way
and covering her tracks with a broom
even though logically she shouldn’t be making any tracks
because her mixing bowl FUCKING FLIES
but whatever

so Baba Yaga rolls up and she sees Vasalissa
and she’s like “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU”
and Vasalissa is like “I’m Vasalissa and I need some matches or something”
and Baba Yaga is like “Well I don’t have matches
this being old sad-ass russia
but what I DO have are skulls full of fire
would you like a skull full of fire?”
and Vasalissa is like “uh yes please
that sounds totally rad”
and Baba Yaga is like “TOO BAD.
You know what you get instead?
You get to do INFINITE CHORES FOR ME
and if you fuck even one chore up
I WILL EAT YOU
RAAAAAAA”
and Vasalissa is like “ok, sounds good to me”

But actually Vasalissa is freaking the fuck out
so she finds some scraps from Baba Yaga’s massive dinner
and she feeds them to the doll like “what the fuck do I do”
and the doll is like “bitch,
chill.
Go to sleep.”
And Vasalissa is like “Oh man that makes me feel much better”
and then she goes to sleep.
Is it just me, or could this doll have been easily replaced by some Vicodin?

Anyway, in the morning Baba Yaga gives Vasalissa a ton of chores
and then leaves
and then the doll does all the chores like a boss
other than the cooking
because I guess if the doll could cook for itself
then it could eat the food
and ask itself questions
and then it would tell itself to just shut the fuck up and go to sleep
and then it wouldn’t be much use to anybody.
BUT WHATEVER
Baba Yaga comes back and is pretty disappointed that she can’t eat the girl
which is pretty dumb, because she totally can eat the girl
I mean the girl is right fucking there
trapped inside her fence of death and fire
and Baba Yaga has a whole mouth full of METAL TEETH
so really she can eat anything she wants
she could eat the fucking fence if she felt like it
and she’s stuck trying to get Vasalissa on a technicality?
what the balls.
I guess I shouldn’t complain though
because this is good news for Vasalissa
it means she gets to spend even ANOTHER day in the house
doing MORE CHORES
(which the doll does for her)
and then Baba Yaga comes home again and is like “DAMMIT
NOW ALL MY HOUSEWORK IS DONE AND I DON’T GET TO EAT CHILDREN.”
A common problem, I’m told.

Oh yeah, and while this is all going on
those different colored horsemen keep showing up
the white dude shows up in the morning
the red dude shows up at sunrise
and the black dude shows up at nightfall
and so on the second night
when Baba Yaga is eating her massive dinner
Vasalissa is like “Hey can I ask you some questions?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Sure
just be forewarned
sometimes I randomly kill people who ask me questions.”
and Vasalissa is like “Okay, that’s cool. So who’s that white dude on the horse?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the morning. He works for me.”
and Vasalissa is like “What about the red dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “That’s the dawn. He is also an employee of mine.”
and Vasalissa is like “And the black dude?”
and Baba Yaga is like “Are you seriously not seeing a pattern here?
Like, come on
your wilful ignorance is making me really want to randomly kill you for no reason”
and Vasalissa is like “Uh, No further questions!”
and Baba Yaga is like “DAMN RIGHT
Now I get to ask YOU a question:
how come you were able to do all those chores I made you do?”
and Vasalissa is like “Oh, I have this magic doll that my mother blessed.”
and Baba Yaga is like “Oh shit, why didn’t you say so?
I am totally allergic to blessings
so I need you to get out of my house immediately.
Here, have a skull full of fire!”

So Vasalissa runs home with the fire skull
and when she gets home it turns out that her step-family really sucks at fire
like they haven’t been able to light a single goddamn candle
the whole time Vasalissa’s been gone
so they’ve basically been starving to death because of the mom’s amazing plan
and then it gets even better
because as soon as Vasalissa brings the skull into the house
it runs around and sets everyone on fire
(except vasalissa and her doll)
and then Vasalissa just goes back home and waits for her dad to come back
and the later gets married to a king or something!

So the moral of the story
is that talking to your action figures is not just sound romantic practice
IT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE.

The end.

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The Nutcracker is a Total Head Trip

For some reason I keep getting reminded of this story
so now I’ma tell it to you
BOOM

So it’s christmas
and this family is getting presents
there are all these kids and shit
but the only people who really matter
are this girl named Mary
and her creepy magic uncle Drosselmeier
Drosselmeier shows up at the party with a present for the kids
the present
is a WHOLE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
that Drosselmeier built HIMSELF
because he is a BOSS
so Mary is pretty jazzed about this
but she is even more jazzed about this regular-ass nutcracker
which isn’t even a present for her specifically
but actually one of those cheapass gifts that people give “to the whole family”

that’s right
this girl thinks a dumb wooden dude who can break nuts in his mouth
is more fun than an ENTIRE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
this girl is not my kind of girl, let me just say that right now.

So anyway, all the kids get in this big fight over the nutcracker
but Mary is clearly the most responsible out of all of them
so she gets put in charge of all the nutcracking
and then they proceed to crack nuts with the nutcracker
until the nutcracker cracks from excessive nut cracking

NUTS

So Mary is sad about this, but fuck it, who cares
she’s just some dumb kid
but so she ends up staying up late staring at this nutcracker
and it sorta turns into a tiny dude for a second, which freaks her out
and then the clock strikes midnight
and creepy uncle Drosselmeier is hanging out on top of the clock
like some kinda crazy time gargoyle
and then ALL THE SHIT HITS EVERY SINGLE FAN
cause like BOOM
RATS
ALL UP IN THE ROOM
and one of the rats has SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so Mary flips out, obviously
and she falls over and busts open the glass toy cabinet with her elbow
and then the nutcracker is like FUCK THIS
only his jaw is broken so it’s more like FFUTH VISH
and he runs into the toy cabinet
and leads an all out toy rebellion up in those rats
except the toys are just some dumb toys
whereas the rats are AN ARMY OF GODDAMN RATS
AND ONE OF THEM HAS SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so things are going pretty bad for the toys until Mary throws a shoe at the rat king
then she passes out from blood loss
cause remember
she just put her fucking elbow through a glass door.

So when she wakes up she tries to tell everyone what happened
but let’s face it
it’s a pretty dumb story
so everybody just figures Drosselmeier got her wasted at the party or something
but Drosselmeier, for his part
sits down with Mary to fix her nutcracker
and tell her the story of KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
(which is also apparently the story of why nutcrackers look so fucked up)

okay so basically what happens in the story
is there is this queen and she is making sausages
because apparently she is a pretty poor queen who cannot afford a cook
but then this other queen shows up
and this queen is the queen of the RATS
and she is like “Yo queen
I am also a queen
we are basically like sisters
you should let me eat all the lard for your sausages”
and the queen is like “THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE”
so the rat queen and her babies eat all the sausage lard
and then the king comes home
and the queen is like “hey honey, I know you were looking forward to some sausage
but I thought maybe tonight we could try … a salad?”
and the king is like “NOOOOOO FUCK THAT GIVE ME SAUSAGES”
and the queen is like “Uhh the rat queen sort of ate them”
and the king is like “SCANDAL! SHE MUST BE STOPPED!
DROSSELMEIER!”
and Drosselmeier shows up inside his own story like “sup”
and the king is like “Oh man Drosselmeier
it’s a good thing you’re in this story
I need you to use your mad inventing skills
to build me THE ULTIMATE MOUSETRAP
put some robots in it, and some flamethrowers
put some cheese covered in rat pheremones
those rats won’t know whether to eat that cheese or fuck it
and while they are confused, we can hit them with hammers!”
and Drosselmeier is like “I will build you a mousetrap
but I might not take all of these suggestions you are giving me”

so Drosselmeier builds a better mousetrap
wait what am i saying
dude builds THE BEST mousetrap
and it is pretty much like a rat massacre up in the castle
for weeks and weeks
until the rat queen is like “Okay, that’s enough
time to retaliate for this mechanical genocide
with CURSES!
Hey king!
KING!
I’m gonna curse your daughter and make her be super ugly!”
and the king is like “OH FUCK
I’m really shallow
I don’t know if I would be able to love an ugly daughter.
THE MOUSE QUEEN MUST BE STOPPED”
So what he does is he buys like a hundred cats
and he puts them around his daughter’s crib
(oh by the way, his daughter is named Pirlipat
which is not the kind of thing you name a person who you don’t want to be ugly)
and he hires all these nurses to constantly pet these cats so the cats stay awake
but he makes a crucial mistake
which is that he doesn’t hire anyone to constantly pet the NURSES
so all the nurses fall asleep
and then the cats fall asleep
and then the rat queen
(whose name is Mouserinks
which again, is not a name for a good-looking person
but she’s a rat so it works
although it doesn’t work TOO well because she’s a RAT not a MOUSE)
rolls on in and puts her ugly curse on Pirlipat

so the king comes in in the morning
and he finds his daughter
with a big creepy grin on her face
and a cottony beard
and he’s like “DROSSELMEIER
COME FIX MY DAUGHTER’S FACE”
and Drosselmeier is like “well that’s not really my area of expertise
I mean I could build a robot to impersonate your daughter’s face
but somehow I don’t think that’s what you want”
and the king is like “FUCK YOU, FIX THIS ANYWAY”
so Drosselmeier goes out hunting for a cure for butterface

he searches for a whole month and doesn’t find shit
and finally he just gets sick of failing and calls up an astrologer
and the astrologer is like “Dude, it’s simple
the princess can only be cured of her ugly
by eating the meat of the nut KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
and the nut must be cracked and handed to her
by a man who has never shaved or worn boots in his life
and after he feeds it to her
he’s gotta take seven steps backwards with his eyes closed
WITHOUT STUMBLING AT ALL.
I mean it’s pretty much just common sense is what I’m saying.”

So Drosselmeier and the Astrologer go out looking for KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
they go out looking for many many years
and finally it turns out it was just in some thrift store down the street
and also the man mentioned in the prophecy is Drosselmeier’s nephew
which you’d think he might have thought of in the first place
unless he mistook his no-shaving, no-shoe-wearing nephew for a bear or something

oh and the king has totally promised the princess’s hand in marriage
to whichever dude can crack the nut with his teeth
so dudes are spitting out teeth like a toddler spits out antifreeze:
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
man, I gotta stop saying shit like that
anyway, then Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew, Hippie McBearpants
and Bearpants cracks the nut no problem
hands it to Pirlipat
then he starts walking backwards
he takes one step
two
three
four
five
six
OH SHIT HERE COMES THE RAT QUEEN
FUCKING SHIT UP AS USUAL
and the dude trips
and then the curse flies across the room and sticks to HIS face
so at least the cottony beard is gender appropriate now
but that’s a small consolation
because now this dude is so ugly that Pirlipat refuses to marry him
and so he is cursed to be ugly FOREVER
and I guess that’s where nutcrackers come from?

so that’s a nice story
and now the nutcracker is fixed
and Drosselmeier goes home
and Mary goes to bed
but then in the middle of the night she wakes up
only to hear the seven-headed rat king whispering in her ear
like “hey girl come over here, lemme whisper in your ear
lemme tell you something that you might like to hear:

I’ll bite your nutcracker in half from his teeth to his taint”
and mary is like “WHY DID YOU THINK I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THAT”
but then she gives the rat king a bunch of candy so he goes away

but then what do you think he does?
he KEEPS DOING THAT SHIT
all the time
until finally the nutcracker is like “FUCK THIS
GET ME A TINY SWORD”
so Mary borrows one from her bro
and then the nutcracker just kills that mouse king
and brings back all seven of his crowns as proof
and then she is so happy to be rid of creepy rat voices
that she looks at the nutcracker and she is like “dude
I don’t care how ugly you are
I would still totally do you
that princess pirlipat was a biiiiiitch”
and BAM
all of a sudden Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew
who now magically does not look like a nutcracker anymore
but there is nothing to indicate that he has shaved or started wearing shoes?
but anyway Drosselmeier is like CONGRATULATIONS
YOU JUST WISHED SO HARD YOU BROKE THE FRAME NARRATIVE
HERE, HAVE A MARRIAGE
and then they get married
completely fucking with my preconception of how old Mary was

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need to actually go outside to find your soulmate
just profess your undying love to your action figures
and let the hotties come to YOU

THE END.

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Dorian Gray is Creepy Sexy

Awright my little sex tadpoles
today you are going to hear about a dude who is rude and crude
but knows an excellent plastic surgeon
they call him
DORIAN GRAY
(not to be confused with gay mystery author Dorien Grey)
This dude lived way back in the day
inside one of Oscar Wilde’s novels
AND THIS IS HIS STORY

So first off there’s these two dudes
One is named Basil and he is a painter
the other one is named Lord Henry and he is an asshole
so Henry shows up at Basil’s crib one day like HEY BASIL
HAVE I TOLD YOU YET ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD PARTY ALL THE TIME AND TO HELL WITH EVERYONE
and Basil is like Yes Henry
that is all you are ever telling people
you seem to be completely incapable of any other form of speech
and Henry is like COOL STORY BRO
HEY
WHO’S THAT HOT DUDE YOU’RE PAINTING?
and Basil is like Oh
that’s Dorian Gray
he is pure and innocent and totally fuckable
don’t talk to him, you’ll ruin him
but Henry doesn’t hear him because he’s already over there by Dorian
RUINING

He’s like HEY DORIAN SO I CAN SEE YOU’RE PRETTY HOT
BUT YOU’RE GONNA GET OLD, BRO
AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BUNCH OF AWESOME MEMORIES OF HOW HARD YOU AND I USED TO PARTY
LET’S ROLL
and Dorian is like Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss
and on his way out he gets real angry at his own portrait
because it represents a pinnacle of hotness that he’s totally gonna age out of
and he’s like Man
I would give my right nut to have that painting age instead of me
Good thing I’m not in a book or anything
cause if I was
the author might hear me saying this and do something CRAAAAAZY

So meanwhile Lord Henry is doing everything he can to fuck this kid up
he is taking him to sweet parties and hobnobbing with all the nobles
and Dorian is just eating his bullshit right up
and then one day Dorian is wandering through the slums
and he finds this theater
and he goes inside and immediately falls cock over balls for this hot actress named Sibyl
two days later:
BAM
engaged to be married
SHIT MOVES FAST WHEN YOU ARE THIS GOOD LOOKING

so naturally everyone but Dorian and Sibyl are pretty worried about this
because these kids hardly know anything about each other beyond cup size
except actually Sibyl’s mom isn’t really worried
cause Dorian seems rich
and Lord Henry isn’t really worried
because who needs worrying when you have all these whores to take care of?
so actually the only people who are worried about this
are Basil, who worries about everything cause he’s no fun
and Sibyl’s bro
who is a sailor
and so is blessed with the ability to see fiascos coming from MILES AWAY.
That’s a thing sailors can do
because of storms or something
you can trust me on this
I rode my bike past a couple boats the other day

anyway, Sibyl’s bro is like SIBYL
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THIS GUY IS CLEARLY A BIG BUCKET OF FIASCO
I CAN TELL BECAUSE I AM A SAILOR
and Sibyl is like pshaw, bro
have you SEEN his junk?
I think i’m in love!
Everyone wears such tight pants in this day and age
IT IS TRULY A GOOD TIME TO BE A LADY
and her bro is like alright dude
but if he breaks your heart
I swear I’ma kill him
OOPS LOOK AT THAT
TIME FOR ME TO GO TO AUSTRALIA AND LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE AT FIASCO CENTRAL

So Dorian is super excited about his upcoming marriage
and he takes his posse
(thems being Basil and Henry)
to go see Sibyl do some Shakespeare
in preparation for him going to do some Sibyl
but oh shit what is this?
It turns out Sibyl SUCKS AT ACTING NOW
because she is so genuinely in love with Dorian
that her fake emotions don’t work anymore
she’s like DON’T YOU SEE, DORIAN
NOW THAT I’VE MET YOU
I CAN QUIT ACTING AND WE CAN BE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER
and Dorian is like uh
that’s kind of a dealbreaker actually
peace
(somehow this reminds me of a much more realistic version of the gift of the magi)

So Dorian gets home
oh yeah and he has that painting now that Basil made of him
and when he gets home he goes and looks at it
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THE PAINTING APPEARS TO HAVE CHANGED
now it is sneering in a really infuriating way
so Dorian covers it up with a towel so it won’t watch him while he sleeps
and he goes to bed feeling kinda bad about the whole Sibyl thing
but then he wakes up in the morning and it turns out she killed herself
and he’s sort of upset
but then Henry is like WHY WORRY ABOUT THAT
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORRYING ABOUT
MORE WHORES
BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW, MY FRIEND
MORE WHORES
IS THE ONLY KIND OF WHORES
THAT RHYMES
and Dorian is like YOU MAKE SUCH BRILLIANT POINTS
LET’S GO GET FUCKED UP AND NEVER BE SAD AGAIN

MANY YEARS PASS
Dorian stays true to his word
he basically goes through life like King Midas
except instead of gold
everything he touches turns to debauchery and suicide
seriously
this dude’s friends are killing themselves faster than toddlers in an antifreeze factory
i’m sorry, that was kinda tasteless
BUT THAT ANTIFREEZE SURE WASN’T
but yeah, this guy is cruel and unusual

he is cruel mainly in the ordinary ways
like with drugs and being an asshole and stuff
but he is unusual in that the more fucked up he gets
the more fucked up his portrait gets
(he keeps it in his attic now)
but he just STAYS PRETTY
and everyone is hearing all these rumors about him
but they’re all like WE CAN’T BELIEVE THOSE RUMORS
THIS DUDE IS JUST WAY TOO PRETTY

man, whoever is in charge of cursing paintings or whatever
let me just say right now
I would def give my right nut to be so pretty people considered me infallible

ANYWAY
one day Dorian is on his way home
and he sees that Basil guy walking through the mist towards him
and he tries to avoid him, but Basil has like a homing beacon for assholes
so he rolls right up to him and he’s like HEY DUDE
I HAVE TO WARN YOU:
PEOPLE ARE SAYING TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT YOU
and Dorian is like Yeah well
those things are all true
and Basil is like WHAT? NO.
and Dorian is like naw dude check it out
look at this portrait in my attic
and Basil is like HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY PAINTED THAT
and Dorian is like Yeah
and now it’s all fucked up because of shit I did
oh, and also I’m murdering you now
okay and now I’m going to go establish an alibi
and then I’m going to blackmail a chemist I know to dissolve your body in acid
then I’ll act kinda weird at some parties for a while
and finally head off to the opium district to get so fucked up my problems disintegrate
how do you feel about that?
and Basil doesn’t say anything because he’s dead and Dorian is high as balls

But when Dorian leaves the opium den
some chick is like OOH THERE GOES PRINCE CHARMING
and Sibyl’s sailor bro just happens to be hanging out there
WAITING for Dorian to drop in
so he chases him down and he puts a gun to his head and he’s like DUDE
I don’t know your name
or your face
but my sister used to be engaged to a dude she called prince charming 18 years ago
and that is all the evidence I need to shoot you with bullets
because frankly
we live in a time before the internet
and research is hard

but Dorian is thinking fast
despite all the opium playing bumper cars in his cerebrum
so he’s like Dude
If I really was the dude who fucked over your sister
I wouldn’t still be lookin’ this good 18 years later, would I?
and the sailor is like Well, you DO look pretty good.
You go on home now, totally unsuspicious handsome guy
sorry to have bothered you.
And then he goes back to the opium den and everyone is like DUDE
THAT WAS TOTALLY THE GUY YOU WERE LOOKING FOR
and he’s like FUCK

So he goes back to chasing Dorian
like the revenge-crazed Elmer Fudd to Dorian’s Sociopathic Bugs Bunny
and he manages to track Dorian down while Dorian is hunting
but it turns out british dudes are really terrible at hunting
so some guys just accidentally shoot the sailor in the face while he’s skulking in the bushes
and Dorian is saved once again!
DID YOU COME TO THIS BOOK EXPECTING JUSTICE?
YOU DON’T KNOW OSCAR WILDE VERY WELL, DO YOU MY FRIEND?

Okay so cut to Dorian lounging with his old pal Henry
and Dorian is like Hey man
remember Basil?
Totally murdered that guy.
And Henry is like No you didn’t, Dorian
you’re too sexy for murder.
And Dorian is like Oh, right.
Well anyway I’ve decided to change my ways
like, the other day I was out in the country
and I totally DIDN’T seduce a farmer’s daughter I saw standing around.
How about THAT?
And Henry is like Nope.
No, no, no.
You’re not going to change your ways, Dorian.
You are too sexy to change your ways.

So Dorian is like FUCK
FINE
and he leaves and goes up to his attic to see his portrait
to see if his half-assed promise to be good made his painting any prettier
and obviously it didn’t
except that now his portrait looks like a total hypocrite
and that really pisses Dorian off, I guess
so he whips out a knife and stabs that painting right in its hypocrite face
and the next thing anyone knows
there’s this crazy scream from upstairs
and everyone goes up there to find a perfectly unharmed portrait of pretty young Dorian
and some gross dead old dude stabbed to death on the floor
but when they check his copious amount of rings
they discover
THAT THE OLD MAN IS ACTUALLY DORIAN GRAY HIMSELF.
WHO DID NOT SEE THIS COMING?
RAISE YOUR HAND.
THEN USE THAT HAND TO SMACK YOURSELF.

so the moral of the story
is don’t stab a magic portrait of yourself that grants you eternal youth.
pretty basic stuff, really.

THE END.

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If Your Last Name is Lambton, I Pity You

Okay!
So!
There’s this dude named Lambton
he comes from a long line of dudes who are named that
and some of those dudes were/are pretty rich
but this particular Lambton is just a regular dude, mostly
he likes to go fishing and yell obscenities
two fitting and proper things for a young man to do
and one day he is doing both of these things simultaneously
when he gets a nibble on his line
and reels in
A REALLY FUCKED-UP LOOKING WORM
so he’s like “ew, gross” and throws it in a well
and then a mysterious stranger comes along like “oh no
it looks like that worm in that well has nine mouths!”
and Lambton is like “Eh, whatever.”

FLASH FORWARD SEVERAL YEARS
Lambton has grown to regret his days of fishin’ and swearin’
and has joined the crusades to make up for his grievous crimes
by killing a bunch of dudes in a foreign country
which means he is miles away from his home town
when the worm he caught suddenly becomes FUCKING MASSIVE
seeing as there are no predators to worry about in the well
and it starts terrorizing the countryside
eating houses and sucking on cow tits
and the only way anyone is able to keep the worm happy
is by offering up a whole assload of milk every day
and if they don’t
it throws a tantrum
and i don’t know if you’ve ever seen the kind of tantrum a worm with 9 mouths can throw
but I know for sure that I haven’t
and also that I do not want to.

So finally Lambton gets back from the crusades
only to find that his hometown has become an UNHOLY CTHONIAN NIGHTMARE VILLAGE
and he’s like “well, I just spent several years swording people
it shouldn’t be too big of a jump for me to start swording worms
but still, I better ask some bullshit oracles for advice.”
So he goes and hits up an oracle
and the oracle is like “okay yo check it
you will totally kill the worm
but then you have to immediately sacrifice the very first living thing you see
or else the next nine generations of dudes in your family will NEVER DIE IN THEIR BEDS”

okay
freeze frame
that does not sound like a bad thing to me
if I was assured that I would never die in my bed
I would just spend 100% of my time
sleeping and getting laid
FOR ALL ETERNITY
I mean if the curse was something like
“the next nine generations of your family will never die EXCEPT BY PROLONGED RECTAL CANCER”
that would seem like a bad thing to me
I mean that’s a curse you can really get behind, so to speak
ha HA!
ANYWAY

so Lambton hears this curse
and he comes up with a pretty solid plan for avoiding it
see, he goes to his dad
and he’s like “When I kill the worm, I will blow my hunting horn 3 times
and then you gotta release my favorite hunting dog
and she will come running over to me
and then I will kill her
it will be pretty sad
but it is better than suddenly running into a hot chick
and having to stab her or be cursed
I hate when that happens.”
and armed with this solid plan
and also a sword
and a suit of armor made entirely out of spears
Lambton heads over to the worm’s crib

So the worm is all up on Lambton before you can say “oh god there’s a worm all over my body”
but Lambton is giving no fucks
because his spear armor is carving that bitch UP
but the worm is managing to give even LESS fucks
because every time a spearpoint chops it in half, it just puts itself back together
my friends
this worm is giving less fucks
than there are chunks of its mutilated body writhing around
but Lambton just keeps on truckin
and finally he manages to chop that worm in half so hard
that it is forced to give at least a few fucks
and those fucks
ARE ITS LAST

So Lambton is pretty jazzed
and he blows his horn to have his dad release the hound
but when his dad hears the horn
he is SO EXCITED TO HEAR THAT HIS SON IS ALIVE
that he completely forgets everything that they have arranged
and just comes running into the clearing himself
and then Lambton is like “fuck
so either I can kill my dad
or curse my family for nine generations?
great job, DAD”
then he calls his dog and kills that
basically for no reason other than to relieve the stress
generated by the fact that now his family is super cursed
hooray!

So the moral of the story
is that there is at least one scenario
where it would probably be okay
to stab your dad.

The end.

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