Baba Yaga is a poor housekeeper

So as those of you with eyes and attention spans may already know
we just got finished with a video retelling of the book of Exodus
next up is gonna be Dante’s Inferno
but there’s gonna have to be a little lag time unfortunately
because I am still incapable of speech
and I don’t have access to Dante Alighieri’s agents
so i can’t get him to do it
and then … it’s not set in stone yet
but it looks like I’m going to be doing Candide after that
assuming people give me a little more money
(which you guys are actually doing at a pretty alarming rate
so good job)
anyway you should make sure to check out the site on valentine’s day
cause i have something special planned
oh also today’s myth was suggested
by international crimefighter KIRI JUSTICE

Alright so there’s this chick Natasha right

She lives in bumfuck nowhere Russia
Which is where most people in Russia seem to live
Just judging by the stories I’ve heard
Not a whole lot of actual PLACES in Russia it seems like
Anyway this chick lives with her dad
And they’re doing pretty ok
Some serious father-daughter bonding shit going on
Seeing as Natasha’s mom is DEAD
It is all extremely fucking heartwearming

UNTIL ONE DAY THIS FATHER UP AND MARRIES SOME NEW CHICK
My friends
What is it about stepmothers
And being the worst ever?
It seems like pretty much a prerequisite for being a stepmother
Is that you have to suck pretty much as hard as possible
At all times
Is there like
a training course?
When widowed dudes are looking to get remarried
Is it like adopting a kid
Where you have to contact the stepmother agency
And they dispatch a wretched bitch to ruin the lives of your children?
ADDITIONALLY
what is this father
some kind of ultimate retard?
doesn’t he know about stepmothers?
and even if for some reason we excuse him for THAT lack of foresight
i guess this chick must have mastered the seven deadly vagina tricks
because he is COMPLETELY UNWILLING TO BELIEVE ANY NEGATIVE SHIT
THAT HIS DAUGHTER JUSTIFIABLY SAYS ABOUT THIS EVIL BITCH
like how the stepmother has decided oh
yeah
my stepdaughter doesn’t get to eat human food now
just breadcrusts and distilled sadness ichor
and she has to do all the cooking and cleaning
and must be beaten constantly because she is the cause of all our problems
GUYS
WHAT PROBLEMS
THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEEMS TO BE SUFFERING FROM PROBLEMS
IS THE DAUGHTER WHO IS BEING BLAMED FOR THEM
THIS RUSE IS SO TRANSPARENT
THAT IF SOMEONE WORE IT TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS
THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE FUCKING SCANDAL ALL OVER THE PLACE
and meanwhile the father is like durr uh sure
abuse my daugher as much as you want
just as long as where your vagina ends up at the end of the day
is on my penis

so this continues for a while
until the stepmother decides to try and push her luck
ALL THE WAY THE FUCK OFF A CLIFF
she’s like hm abusing this young child is nice and all
but what would be even sweeter
is if she was DEAD
OH LITTLE CHILD
and natasha shows up like what the fuck do you want now
and the stepmother is like i want you to go see my sister
you know
THE CHILD-EATING WITCH BABA YAGA
I need a needle and thread and I hear she has one of those
and natasha is like seriously?
there is a needle and thread right here
and the stepmother is like DON’T FUCK WITH ME GO DIE
and natasha is like shit ok i guess
and she packs up some like moldy bread and scraps of meat and cheese
in a handkerchief
and she sets off into the forest
to go get eaten

so after following her stepmothers’ shitty magical directions
for HOURS
Natasha finally arrives at Baba Yaga’s house
which
by the way
HAS LEGS
CHICKEN LEGS
and walks around the yard
kind of being imposing
so Natasha goes up to the gate
and she opens it
and it’s SUPER SQUEAKY
but luckily there is some oil right there
and so natasha fixes that problem
and then she gets into the yard
and one of Baba Yaga’s servants is crying her face off
and natasha is like good thing I have this handkerchief
so she takes all her food out of the handkerchief
and gives the sadrag to the servant
who is like oh snap thanks
and then there’s a dog
chewing on a shitty worthless bone
and natasha is like WELP I’VE ALREADY GIVEN AWAY HALF MY POSESSIONS
MIGHT AS WELL GIVE THIS DOG SOME MEAT
and the dog seems pretty happy with this

so then Natasha finally gets into the actual house
somehow
the story does not say how she manages to board a mobile chickenhouse
but anyway she does
and there’s Baba Yaga
being terrifying
over on her loom probably weaving something really brutal
like a beanie
FOR A SEVERED HEAD
anyway Baba Yaga is like what up bitch
and Natasha is like my shitty stepmother wants a needle and thread
and Baba Yaga is like oh you mean she wants me to eat you
I understand
just wait here for a second while I prepare to eat you
you can work the loom in the meantime
in fact you fucking better or I will dispense with this entire charade
and just eat you immediately
and Natasha is like sure i guess
and she starts weaving
HONESTLY WHY DID SHE EVEN BOTHER GOING TO BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
SHE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
WHY NOT GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND JUST CHILL FOR A WHILE
AND THEN COME BACK HOME LIKE BOY
THAT SURE WAS SCARY
WHAT’S HER STEPMOTHER GONNA DO THEN?
EAT HER?
anyway Natasha is weaving

so Baba Yaga goes to her servant like hey
make a super hot bath for this chick
SO I CAN BOIL HER IN IT
and the servant is not too jazzed about this
so she proceeds to fill the bathtup
using a fucking sieve
such that she is making very little progress at all
and meanwhile natasha is still weaving
and she sees a cat
just staring at this fucking mousehole
and she is like shit that cat must really want to murder a mouse
good thing I have all this shitty cheese
so she gives the cheese to the cat
and the cat just eats it
i guess the cat was not very intent on killing any mice
and then the cat is like thanks girl
and instead of being like HOLY FUCK A TALKING CAT
Natasha acts like this is a thing cats normally do
and is like hey cat what’s good
and the cat is like i bet you want to not get eaten huh
and Natasha is like that is a correct assessment
and the cat is like here’s what you do
you see that towel and that comb over there by the bathtub?
just grab that shit and run
and when Baba Yaga gets close to you just throw that towel behind you
and it will turn into a river
and then later throw the comb behind you
and it will turn into a forest
honestly I dunno why she keeps this shit in her house
but there it is
use it to your advantage
and natasha is like but shit
if I stop weaving
Baba Yaga will immediately know i am not here
and she’ll just fuck me up for serious
and the cat is like don’t worry i got that shit covered
I am a cat that can talk
it follows that I am also a cat that can operate a loom
and natasha is like yeah that’s about as reasonable as everything else

so the cat hops on the loom
and honestly
it is pretty shitty at looming
just tangling the fuck out of the deathbeanie
instigating some tantric motherfucking knots up in this bitch
and meanwhile Natasha jacks the towel and the comb
and gets the fuck out of the chickenhouse
and she gets to the yard
and the dog is about to just fucking rip her up
and then it’s like wait a second
you’re the chick that gave me meat earlier
it would be discourteous of me to maul you
carry on
and then she gets to the gate
which of course makes no noise at all because of the oil
and then she starts running

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE SHITTY WALKING HOUSE
Baba Yaga comes out to murder Natasha
only to find that not only is Natasha not there
but her weaving project is BEYOND RUINED
and she is like dammit cat
what the fuck
and the cat is like hey bitch maybe you should try feeding me some time
and Baba Yaga is like fuck you
and servant girl why the fuck did you take so long to make the bath
and the servant girl is like maybe you should try paying me?
and then Baba Yaga is like DOG WHY DIDNT YOU MAUL HER
and the dog is like BECAUSE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED MANNERS
and then she is like GATE WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU MAKE ANY NOISE
and the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH

so at this point Baba Yaga realizes
that she can either argue with animals and inanimate objects
or fucking kill Natasha
so she gets on her magic flying mortar and pestle
which she basically operates by masturbating furiously
and takes off after Natasha
and pretty soon she catches up with her
BUT THEN NATASHA CREATES A RIVER
WHICH IS MAGIC SO BABA YAGA CAN’T CROSS IT
and baba yaga is like fuuuuuck
flies back home
gets all her cows
makes them drink the water
and then gets back on her mortar and pestle
and takes off after Natasha again
at which point natasha summons a whole goddamn FOREST
which is pretty impressive
considering i think she’s already RUNNING IN THE FUCKING FOREST
and predictably Baba Yaga is totally unable to navigate DOUBLEFOREST
so Natasha gets away
and she gets back home
and she’s like hey dad
I think you have some grounds for divorce
it’s called your wife is related to a witch
who she just tried to feed me to
oh also i mean there’s the child abuse but come on
we’re russian
we boldly explore depths of misery that other countries can only imagine
and so her dad divorces ultrabitch
and he and his altruistic daughter live happily ever after
until they die during the harsh, harsh winter

so the moral of the story
is if someone tells you to go visit their evil cannibal sister
out in the middle of the forest
just stay home
otherwise you might have to be kind to animals
and who the fuck wants to do that?

The end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

19 thoughts on “Baba Yaga is a poor housekeeper

  1. So was the gate actually squeaking? Or since it can talk was it just yelling "SQUEAAAAAK"? Questions to ponder…

    Also, "only to find that not only is Natasha there"
    I think you're missing a word!

    Great retelling!

  2. Tantric Motherfucking Knots would be a good band name.

    Okay, no it wouldn't, but it would give me a chance to say it a few times a day, which would make me happy. "What are you listening to?" "Oh, it's Tantric Motherfucking Knots' new single, called 'Tantric Motherfucking Knots,' off of their self-titled first album 'Tantric Motherfucking Knots.' Here, listen!"

    Whereas if I were to just go around whispering "tantric motherfucking knots" to myself all day and giggling, they'd probably have to take me away.

  3. PS I tried to be nice when I was a stepmother, but then again my stepkids didn't live with us and were not old enough at that point to do chores anyway, so who knows…

  4. "at which point natasha summons a whole goddamn FOREST
    which is pretty impressive
    considering i think she's already RUNNING IN THE FUCKING FOREST
    and predictably Baba Yaga is totally unable to navigate DOUBLEFOREST"

    I can't stop laughing!

  5. I really am tempted to read some myths out loud on a Youtube video or whatnot. The delivery on many of these lines could be fantaaastic.

  6. "and the gate is like I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH"

    Yeah…that's the point where I lost it and scared the cat out of a year's growth. So, you know, thanks for that.

  7. Just to clarify I am only referring to fairytale stepmothers here not real stepmothers. I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT ACTUAL REAL PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE.

  8. Do you know any Ukrainian myths? My friend told me one about a guy who rubbed a lamp or something, and a genie came out, but instead of wishes the genie just offered to beat people up for the person that freed them. Eventually the genie became a professional boxer. What I am saying is that Ukrainian folk tales might be right up your alley.

  9. Step-mothers are evil because it's too depressing when the mother is evil.

    Apparently some of the Grimm fairy tales had the mother as the evil woman but that was too sad so the second version of the book (and all the ones after) changed it to step-mother.

    I don't know if they were the first to come up with evil step-mothers but if not the other person probably had the same reasoning. Or a really mean step-mother.

  10. "oh also i mean there's the child abuse but come on
    we're russian
    we boldly explore depths of misery that other countries can only imagine"

    breath-taking. Stunning.

  11. "we're russian
    we boldly explore depths of misery that other countries can only imagine"

    LOVE it! Especially since I'm russian.

  12. "I TOO AM CAPABLE OF SPEECH". Of course, in an office environment one must suppress laughter, an act that results in quiet, convulsive tears streaming down your face. Fortunately, the office is where dreams go to die, so no one questions this.

    If you can manage, keep being brilliant please.

  13. Pingback: Vasalissa Has a Scary Doll | Myths RETOLD

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>