A day in the life of Hermes

Alright guys

I admit I was a little harsh on Thor
the fact of the matter is
I really don’t give two shits and a saggy fuck about accuracy
accuracy to the myths or to the comic book
still
thor?
TOTAL PUSSNEXUS

anyway speaking of accuracy
today’s greek myth will probably include some roman names
it will probably be inconsistent
I need you to prepare yourself for this
so that when it happens you do not accidentally shit yourselves with rage

HERE WE GO

so Hermes is flying around being a dick
when he notices that Apollo has decided to be a cow herder guy for a while
except he’s a really shitty cowherd
because he totally forgets about his cows while he sits around
busting sweet lyre solos
and the cows all wander off
so Hermes is like SWEET
FREE COWS
DUNNO WHAT I’M GONNA DO WITH THEM
BETTER STEAL THEM BEFORE I FIGURE IT OUT
so he just steals him some cows

but then he looks around and he’s like FUCK
some old dude named Battus saw the whole thing
so he runs over to Battus like hey dude
uh
free cow if you don’t tell anyone about this
and Battus is like SWEET
YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL
so then he leaves
and hermes is like hm
here’s a perfect opportunity to be an asshole
so he turns into some other dude
and he goes up to Battus like heyyyyy brooooo
got some cows stolen from me this morning
looking for those cows
do you know where I can find those cows?
I will give you TWO COWS
and Battus is like oh yeah they’re right over there
and Hermes is like GOTCHA ASSHOLE
and turns him into stone
BAM
that’ll teach him to respect peoples’ property!
except he can’t really respect any properties when he is MADE OF STONE now can he

but anyway then hermes flies away
presumably just leaving the cows there
and he goes straight to athens
where he sees some hot chicks praying to athena
and he’s like hm
it’s been many moons since I tapped the ol’ sex keg
VROOM VROOM HERE I GO
so he descends to earth in all his pimpest attire
got his fancyass robes
rod that puts people to sleep
finger combs his hair down a little
and he sets off to make sweet love to this chick he saw named Herse
but see there’s a problem
which is that whoever designed Herse’s house is an idiot
and in order to get to her bedroom
you have to walk through the bedroom of her sister Aglauros
which sounds more like the name of a lesser demon but hey
WHATEVER
so but anyway hermes walks in
radiating divine light and whatnot
and Aglauros is like who the fuck are you
and Hermes is like bitch I am motherfucking hermes
maybe you’ve heard of me
i am the messenger of the gods
i am here to deliver a message to your sister
if you know what I mean
and Aglauros is like i only let my sister get fucked
in exchange for BUNDLES OF GOLD
and Hermes is like what
fuck that I don’t pay for it
and he leaves

MEANWHILE
Minerva (that is Athena but with a fancier name)
is chilling up at her temple
and she sees this shit going down
and she is like FUCK this shit
first of all why is hermes trying to fuck one of my priestesses
SECOND OF ALL why is this Aglauros chick trying to SELL HER SISTER’S MEAT TUNNEL
GRRRRRRR
so she shows up at the house of this chick named Envy
who happens to be eating snakes
and she is like yo envy
go put a bunch of envy all up inside Aglauros
and Envy is like psh whatever fine
and she goes and does that
and then Aglauros wakes up and she’s like I ENVY MY SISTER SOOOOOO MUCHHHHHH
and then Hermes shows up and he’s all hey
back to fuck your sister again
i don’t mean to imply that I fucked her before
because I didn’t
i’m the messenger god but I am incapable of getting past some greedy bitch in pajamas
and Aglauros is like LESS TALK MORE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
and Hermes is like whoa there
you are getting dangerously close
to being a megatwat
oh shit i’m sorry i forgot to calibrate my twatometer
you crossed the twatline DAYYYS ago
sorry
carry on
and Aglauros is like I AM NOT MOVING FROM IN FRONT OF MY SISTER’S DOOR
and Hermes is like that sounds about right
and then he turns her to stone
and then he turns around
and FLIES BACK TO OLYMPUS
WAIT
HOLD ON
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED HERMES
ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO
WHERE DID THE PLAN BREAK DOWN
OR WAS THIS THE PLAN ALL ALONG
PRETEND TO TRY TO FUCK THIS CHICK’S SISTER SO SHE’D BE A BITCH SO YOU COULD STONE HER
I’M SO CONFUSED MY EYES ARE VOMITING
IS THIS WHAT CRYING IS?

anyway yeah then he shows up at olympus and zeus is like HERMES
THANK GODS YOU’RE HERE
HELP ME HAVE SEX WITH THIS CHICK I FOUND
but that’s a story for another time

so the moral of the story is
if any of your social interactions start to go sour
just turn everyone into stone
and it will look like you meant to do it

THE END.

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14 thoughts on “A day in the life of Hermes

  1. you are a god, but then you already know that. Whats your like 'cut off year' for literature? Like, is Moby Dick 'too soon'? Regardless, keep kicking ass dude.

  2. this just proves that the greeks and romans have ALWAYS been praying to the wrong people

    unless they're praying to get turned into stone in which case GOOD SHOW.

  3. Here's the deal. I sincerely hope you applied to some of the grad schools I'm looking at so I can pay you to get satisfyingly drunk with me and then tell me stories.

  4. I don’t believe you . . . you seem really aware of accuracy, ’cause you often point out if you’ve changed something cause you felt like it. So then you’d had to have noticed what the original said.

    You don’t have any reason to apologize for your (probably deserved) opinion about the movie! You rock. Just ignore the haters. :-D

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