Aeneas is the store brand version of Odysseus (Part ONE!)

Hey so first of all
I wanna thank the good people from dailygrail.com
for singlehandedly composing most of my site traffic
seriously you guys rock
keep doing that

second I want to thank the mysterious A
for rescuing me from writer’s block once again
by requesting this myth

now i am sick of thanking people
so let’s talk about boobs and violence

so you all remember the trojan war right?
if you don’t, too bad
gonna pretend you do
so basically after all the murdering happens
the trojans are stupid enough
to invite a giant hollow wooden horse full of enemies into their city
one thing leads to another
and the next thing you know troy is on fire
and the war is basically over
because it is hard to have a war when you are on fire

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST
because there is this dude Aeneas
he shows up somewhere in the Iliad pretty sure
son of Venus and shit
anyway he is in the middle of all this fire like FUCK THIS
and he goes and grabs his dad
and his wife
and carries them out of the city on his back
but then he loses his wife
but it’s okay because like i said he is the SON OF VENUS
so (spoiler alert) PUSSY IS NOT GOING TO BE HARD TO COME BY
we’ll get to that in a minute

oh yeah also
guess who hates Aeneas
could it be the same celestial antagonist
who repeatedly fucked over HERCULES
AND IO
AND GANYMEDE
AND SEMELE
AND PELIAS???
you got it my friends
i’m talking about Hera
AHEM
Juno
because this story is basically a roman rebranding
of everything that was good about greece
think of the Aeneid
as the 2001 Zac Snyder remake
of George Romero’s classic zombie film Dawn of the Dead
where suddenly zombies can run really fast
and they replace character development with a bus full of chainsaws
okay that sounds sweeter than I intended to

ANYWAY
so Aeneas gets some ships
and he puts some survivors on those ships
and they go gallivanting all over to thrace
where they find some creepy bleeding tree
and then they go to Delos and Apollo is like sup guys
you better go to the land of your forefathers
and they are like where is that
and Apollo is like shit i dunno
figure it out
so they try Crete
and start building a city there
but then they get a plague
and Apollo shows up like oh shit guys i just found my notes
you were supposed to go to Italy
my bad

so they get on their boats again
but there is a storm
and they end up on this island Strophades
where harpies show up to shit on their dinner
and they try and fight the harpies
but the harpies are like HEY HOW ABOUT WE CURSE YOU
BY SAYING THAT YOU WILL NOT GET TO SET UP YOUR KINGDOM
UNTIL HUNGER DRIVES YOU TO EAT YOUR FUCKING TABLES
and everyone is like shit that’s no good

so then they go to Buthrotum
which is this greek city
but some trojans took it over
after they got brought there as prisoners
their names are Helenus and Andromache
and they are like hey Aeneas
if you wanna go to italy
you’re gonna have to go the long way around
cuz if you go the short way
you’re gonna have to deal with scylla and charybdis
SEE
SEE HOW WE EXIST WITHIN THE CLASSIC GREEK CANON
and then not only that
but on their way around italy
this dude comes running up to their ship like HOLY SHIT HELP ME
and they are like who are you
and he is like I AM ONE OF ODYSSEUS’S MEN
except he says Ulysses not Odysseus
because the Romans just have to change EVERYBODY’S NAMES
and he goes on to say that Ulysses stabbed a cyclops in the eye
and escaped
and now this dude is cyclopsfucked up the yinyang
and just then a bunch of cyclopes show up
and Aeneas is like OH SHIT GET ON MY BOAT
and then they get the fuck out of there

so THEN is when Juno starts fucking with everybody
see Juno is pissed
because Aeneas is supposed to eventually conquer carthage
which is like Juno’s favorite city for some reason
so she hits up the wind god Aeolus
like hey dude howsabout ruining some ships for me
so Aeolus is like WOOOSH MOTHERFUCKERS
until posiedon sees what’s up and is like hey dude
this is my ocean
yall best step off
so the storm clears up just in time
and Aeneas and some of his crew arrive
IN CARTHAGE
and not only that
but the queen there
Dido
sees Aeneas and is like WHOA
I WANNA SHOVEL SOME OF THAT IN MY SEX FURNACE
and why does she do this?
she does this because Venus MAKES HER DO IT
like I said
NO TROUBLE GETTING LAID

so Dido sits Aeneas down
and is like tell me about your travels
so he tells her all the shit i just told you
in a flashback SHOCKINGLY REMINISCENT OF ODYSSEUS’S FLASHBACK TO THE PHAEACIANS
and then Juno is like OH MY GOODNESS
IF I GET THESE TWO LOVEBIRDS BANGIN REGULAR-LIKE
THEN AENEAS WON’T EVER LEAVE TO START ROME
WHICH IS THE POINT OF HIS MISSION
so she goes over to Venus like hey
Venus
wanna help me get your son laid
and Venus is like hey
i know what you’re up to
but yes

so Dido and Aeneas start banging
regular-like
but then hermes shows up like hey aeneas
you have a quest remember
and Aeneas is like oh shit that’s right
look Dido i know i took your honor and everything
but i gotta go
right now in the middle of the night
while you are asleep
before you wake up and get mad at me
but then she wakes up and gets mad at him
but he still leaves
and then she sets herself on fire
so that’s fun

So Aeneas and co sail to Eryx
where they have a nine day party in honor of his dad’s death
oh yeah his dad died
a year ago
so much for saving him from that fire
anyway the party includes a lot of sports
and everyone gets prizes no matter what
so they will all feel special
also a guy punches a cow so hard its brain comes out

meanwhile Juno pisses off everybody’s wives
and they set all the ships on fire
but then Aeneas is like hey Zeus I mean Jupiter
put these fires out
and Jupiter is like ok
but then Aeneas is like fuck
i don’t want all these homicidal wives on my ship
maybe we should just make Rome here
and one of his dudes is like no man
just leave all the homicidal wives and old people here
and then we can go start rome with only the manliest men
and then the ghost of Aeneas’s dad shows up like YESSSS
ALSO VISIT ME IN HELL SON

so with this sage advice,
Aeneas gets back on his boat
and starts sailing to italy again
and Venus
knowing that this is the perfect opportunity
for more of Juno’s bullshit
is like hey Poseidon
i know you like making bigass waves and shit
but just this once could you chill out
and let Aeneas sail uneventfully to Italy?
and Poseidon is like fine i guess
but i’m gonna make a dude fall asleep at the wheel of his boat
and fall off and die
that ok?
and Venus is like sure fine

and i’m going to cut this short here
and continue on Thursday
because i do NOT want this post
to be as long as the fucking Mabinogi
and yall just keep requesting ultralong myths

NOT the end

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6 thoughts on “Aeneas is the store brand version of Odysseus (Part ONE!)

  1. You forgot to mention the bit about Laocoon and the two giant snakes that fuck him and his sons up, that was always my favorite part of the Aeneid. You could have also done something with neoptolomus literally owning priam, just a few suggestions! Great work though, this is how I try to explain myths to my girlfriend.

  2. Buthrotum always reminds me of butch scrotum

    I am reading this today because the AP Latin Vergil test is tomorrow. Clearly this is the best study guide

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