Ali Baba has really legit slaves

For those of you who wanted stories about badass ladies
and also this chick Babs who wanted some Arabian shit up in here:

Alright so there’s this dude Ali Baba right

and he has this brother named Cassim
Cassim is a prick
just putting that out there
you’ll see why later
but for now what you need to know
is that these dudes have a dad
but then he dies
and so then Cassim takes over the dad’s business
which is some kind of merchant bullshit
and he marries a rich chick
and meanwhile Ali Baba is just like fuck this
I want to work a labor intensive minimum wage job
for the rest of my life
ima be a woodcutter
HE DOES THIS BECAUSE HE IS A VIRTUOUS PERSON

anyway one day Ali Baba is out in the woods
wasting his life
when he hears a bunch of horse dudes coming by
and he IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THEM AS THIEVES
and he is like holy shit thieves
I know
I’LL COUNT THEM
OH LOOK FORTY THIEVES
THAT IS A LOT OF THIEVES
and he watches these forty dudes go up to a rock
and then the head thief is like
(say it with me now my friends)
OPEN SESAME
which is a shitty password for a secret cave
because i mean
that’s like the first thing EVERYBODY TRIES
EVERYBODY knows about open sesame
jesus christ

anyway yeah the rock opens
and they all go inside
and then they come out
and then they leave
and then ali baba is like shiiiiiit
i gotta try this
so he goes up to the rock and he is like OPEN SESAME
and he goes inside
and there is SO MUCH GODDAMN TREASURE IT IS COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE
this is like scrooge mcduck
fucking swimming in a sea of gold coins status
this is DIAMOND TSUNAMI UP THE FUCKING YIN-YANG
and ali baba is like whoa now
looks like it is officially treasure o’clock in the baba household
and he loads up all his mules with treasure
instead of the shitty wood he was GOING to load them up with
which i guess means a whole bunch of cold dudes are gonna go without firewood
but who the fuck cares ali baba is rich now
so he goes home and he is like wife
WIFE
I HAVE SO MUCH GODDAMN TREASURE
and his wife is like GREAT GREASY BALLS OF BANGKOK
YOU’RE RIGHT
LET’S TELL EVERYBODY
and ali baba is like settle down woman
i stole this money from thieves
that makes me a DOUBLETHIEF
and the problem with being a doublethief
is that not even thieves like doublethieves
the general public is slightly more sympathetic to us
but like
the thieves are the ones with all the knives
so that is really the most important PR hurdle here
and ali baba’s wife is like shit
well we should at least weigh this shit
so we know how rich we are
and ali baba is like tru dat
but we don’t have a scale
hey my bro has a scale
go ask his wife if you can use it

so ali baba’s wife goes to cassim’s place
and she’s like hey cassim’s wife
lemme use your scale right quick
but see cassim’s wife has a common malady
called being a nosy bitch
so she coats the scales in wax
and a gold coin gets stuck to the wax when ali baba’s wife is done measuring
and then cassim’s wife comes in
and is like WHOA DAMN
GOLD
BETTER TELL MY HUSBAND
so basically some time in the next ten seconds
Cassim is basically humping down Ali Baba’s door

he’s like HEY
HEY
HEY BRO
WHERE YOU GET TREASURE
and ali baba is like oh well i doublestole it
and Cassim is like SWEET FROM WHERE
and ali baba is like well i guess i’ll tell you
since we are best bros
and then some time in the next ten seconds
cassim is trying to hump his way into the secret thiefcave
but then he remembers that the password is not humping
the password is open sesame
and he gets inside
AND HAS AN ATOMIC GENTIAL EXPLOSION OF GREEDLUST
fuck swimming through this gold
this dude is going SNORKELING
and he does all that shit where like
his eyes turn into dollar signs
and then his teeth make a cash register sound
and he starts shitting invoices or some shit

anyway he completely fails at robbery
wanna know why?
BECAUSE HE FORGETS
THE
PASSWORD
guys
how do you forget OPEN SESAME
first off it is TWO WORDS
AND THEY ARE PRETTY EASY WORDS TO REMEMBER
ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY THE WORD
FOR THE THING YOU WANT THE DOOR TO DO
second off EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT OPEN SESAME
IT WAS IN ALLADIN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
anyway then the thieves show up and cut him into quarters
which kills him pretty decisively

SO NATURALLY EVERYBODY GETS PRETTY WORRIED
and eventually ali baba is like fuck i better go check on my shitty sibling
so he goes to the cave
and he goes inside
and RIGHT INSIDE THE ENTRANCE is four pieces of his bro
danglin’ around
bein’ gross
and ali baba is like BALLS
THIS IS TERRIBLE
and he steals the meatbits
and brings them back home
and sneaks them into Cassim’s house
and then he gets one of Cassim’s slaves
her name is Morgiana
you know she is important
because she is a woman WHO ACTUALLY HAS A NAME
and Ali Baba is like look
your boss is kind of like
in quarters right now
what i need you to do
is make it look like he died of natural causes
and Morgiana is like you want me to do what
and Ali Baba is like bitch you will do what i say

so Morgiana straight up handles the fuck out of this
see first she goes to the pharmacy
and buys a ton of drugs
and is like CASSIM’S SICK GUYS TELL YOUR FRIENDS
then she hires this tailor
and she blindfolds him
and brings him to Cassim’s place
and has him sew up the four giblets into a presentable corpse
which probably at this point smells like a seven layer dip
where every layer is shit
anyway this succeeds in fooling everybody somehow
but Ali Baba has bigger problems
because the thieves come back to their cave
and they see the body gone
and they’re like SHIT LOOKS LIKE THERE’S MORE DOUBLETHIEVES
BETTER FIND THEM AND STAB THEM WITH THESE KNIVES WE HAVE

so the head thief sends some lesser thief into town
to do some research
and the lesser thief comes across this tailor
who is like dude
i just sewed four pieces of a dead guy together
and the thief is like oh shit where
and the tailor was like i dunno i was blindfolded
and the thief is like how about i blindfold you again
and the tailor is like oh well in that case
I guess I remember exactly how to get there
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK
anyway the tailor leads the thief to Cassim’s place
which Ali Baba has apparently moved into
because he came up with this clever plan
for making it seem normal that he is suddenly rich as fuck
his plan involves polygamy
by which i mean his plan involves marrying his dead bro’s wife
and then being like oh yeah she had all this money
it is mine now
hooray
but anyway this has the unintentional side effect
of making Ali Baba be in Cassim’s house
which is the house the thieves have decided they are going to fuck up
all of this is to say that the lesser thief finds the house
and he puts a mark on the door
so he’ll remember it
and then he goes back to his dudes
and that night they go into the city to murder some folks
BUT MORGIANA IS TOO CLEVER FOR THIS PLOY
she happens to notice some sketchy looking dude
making a highly suspicious mark on her front door
and she just goes outside
and copies that mark onto like every door in town
so when the thieves come that night
they either have to go home
or murder everybody in town
WIN WIN
so when the thieves show up they are like what the fuck is this
and then the lesser thief is executed

SO THE NEXT DAY A NEW THIEF GOES INTO TOWN
and he finds the same tailor
and the tailor leads him to the same house
but THIS GUY is a clever motherfucker
see he marks the house by taking a chunk out of the front step
except then Morgiana just does THAT to all the other houses
and THAT dude gets executed

SO THEY TRY THIS SHIT AGAIN
AND A NEW THIEF FINDS THE HOUSE
and this dude is about to try like
pissing all over the welcome mat or something
when he is like wait
here’s an idea
why don’t I try REMEMBERING WHAT THIS HOUSE LOOKS LIKE
BRILLIANT
so that night the thieves are pretty sure they’re gonna get some murdering in

so the remaining 38 dudes come up with yet another shitty plan
basically the leader of the thieves is gonna pretend to be a merchant
and then he is going to have 38 jars of oil with him
and he is going to go to Ali Baba’s place
and be like dude can you hook a brother up with some lodgings
and then when he is inside all the thieves are going to murder everyone
so basically this is like the trojan horse
except instead of a horse
it’s a dude who wants to crash on your couch for free
and store his huge truckload of suspicious wares in your house
i call it
THE TROJAN DRIFTER

anyway Morgiana sees right through this shit too
and she is just like well if these are all full of oil
i guess you won’t mind if I pour some BOILING OIL IN THEM
so she does that
and all the thieves scream and die
and then the thief chieftan (thieftan) escapes
to plot even MORE USELESS REVENGES
TO WIT:
over the course of like TEN YEARS
this dude sets himself up as a merchant
befriends Ali Baba’s son
and is all set to murder the shit out of him
when MORGIANA ONCE AGAIN PIERCES THROUGH HIS THICK COATING OF BULLSHIT
PICKS UP A DAGGER
DOES A SEXY DANCE WITH IT TO DISTRACT EVERYONE
AND THEN STABS HIM IN THE FUCKING MOUTH
at which point Ali Baba is like jesus christ woman
you know what
you get to stop being a slave
in fact
marry my son
seriously you are like solely responsible for me not dying
ABOUT FOUR MILLION TIMES OVER
and then everyone is rich as fuck forever

so the moral of the story is
fuck self sufficiency
get slaves

THE END.

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6 thoughts on “Ali Baba has really legit slaves

  1. Hey, thanks! That cheered up my day. I'm gonna go now and see how often I can work "great greasy balls of Bangkok" into conversations for the rest of the day.

  2. I have just finished reading every myth posted on this blog! I believe some sort of congratulations are in order. Also, thank you for venturing out into the dangerous world to find a girl to model the shirts just for little old me. I have ordered mine. Also, I think we need to get some dutch myths up in here. If you can find any that are not boring and about cheese. I looked, but was unsuccessful.

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