Animals != Astronomical Bodies

Today’s myth comes from IDAHO
and also the sexy supple typing fingers of MEGAZORD “HOTT RADIATION” BURLESQUE
it is about workplace harassment

OKAY SO COYOTES
they are everywhere
and they eat your cats and shit in your gardens
no one likes coyotes
this is because when given the slightest opportunity
Coyotes pull shit like this:

so there’s this place in Idaho or Montana or something and it has no moon
everyone hates it
because how are they supposed to have sexy late night disco parties?
electricity has not been invented yet my friends
this is what was once known as BAD TIMES FOR DISCO

so everyone gets together and they’re like fuck this
we need a MOON
then we can truly bone
ALL NIGHT LONG
without anyone hitting their face on the bedpost
and getting like a bloody nose or something
and then it’s totally a turnoff for some people
SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
okay, okay what do we have a lot of that we’re not using?
oh I know
ANIMALS
HEY ANIMALS
and the animals are like yo hey
and the people are like HOW ABOUT ONE OF YOU CRAWLS UP THERE AND REFLECTS SUNLIGHT
AND THEN WE CAN TRULY BONE
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
NOT YOU AND US
US AND EACH OTHER
WHAT ARE WE, FREAKS?
OKAY NOW GO UP IN THE SKY NOW
and fox
who is dumb and eager to please
is like OKAY GUYS I WILL BE THE BEST SUN
so he runs up into the sky
and he curls himself up into a ball
and he starts reflecting the FUCK out of that sun
but here’s the problem my friends
fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB
it’s like straight up daylight all over the place
everyone caught with their wangs out
totally embarrassed
and they’re like hey fox
sorry buddy
but we need a little more mood lighting for this vigorous boning
gonna need you to step down from the sky
and fox is like aww okay
and then raven is like OH SNAP NOW’S MY CHANCE
NOTHING IS SEXIER
THAN BLACKLIGHT
so raven flies up there
and he balls himself up
but see
black is TERRIBLE for reflecting shit
and pretty soon everyone is banging their faces on bedposts again
and not in the good way
i’m sure there’s a good way for that to happen
but so yeah everyone wipes the blood off their faces and sexparts
and they’re like okay raven
I know we said we wanted someone to be less good at their job
but we did not mean for someone to come in and drive the failbus straight off a cliff
seriously dude this is no good
so raven slinks back down to earth all humiliated
cause at least fox only got fired for being GOOD at his job
and it is at this point that Coyote decides to make his move
he’s like GUYS
LOOK AT ME
MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR
THIS IS ONE JOB SITUATION
WHERE RACIAL PROFILING
IS TOTALLY OKAY
and everyone is like well we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric
but okay sure

so coyote gets his ass up in the sky
and he curls into a ball
and it’s perfect
it’s great
everyone is boning up a storm
but not a literal storm
that would be bad and probably interrupt the boning
no this is a figurative storm
composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling dangly bits
it’s great
you should have been there
but then Coyote gets all bored
because as we have already established
this dude has some serious ADD
so he starts using his priveleged position up in the sky
to start snooping
he’s all peeping in lasses’ windows
like HEY
HEY EVERYONE
SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE SEXTUPLE TWANK TWISTER
COME LOOK
and everyone comes and looks
and susan doesn’t even come at all
because a screaming moon is the biggest bonerkill
Coyote also uses his moon powers to prevent justified theft and cheat at cards
basically no one is happy about this
so they totally fire him

but he’s like HAHA
YOU CAN’T REALLY FIRE ME
I’M THE PERFECT COLOR
HOO-RAH
and everyone is like uh
there are pretty much a ho-jillion animals with the same color fur as you
case in point: rabbit
and rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either
get up there, rabbit
so rabbit gets up there
and ends up being pretty chill about the whole thing
FOREVER
and that is why coyote is always howling at the moon
he just cannot get over that stuff that happened that one time

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is maybe we should consider firing the moon
cause I bet we have the technology
to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER MOON than some fucking rabbit

THE END

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7 thoughts on “Animals != Astronomical Bodies

  1. Ha ha ha, yes! Thank you for doing this one! I saw this in a Girl Scout book when I was younger and loved it for some reason. Thinking back on it, I think it was because of how hilariously inept everyone was.

    (Small correction, though: This myth came from the Idaho/Montana area. :) )

  2. It's a region – the Shoshone, Kootenai and Kalispel Indians all occupied both Idaho and Montana without regard for state lines. Dumbass.

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