Apollo Never Gets Laid

Hey so real quick
gonna let you guys know what’s going to happen on this website over the next few days
today and Tuesday I am going to dig back into the metamorphoses
and tell some sweet greek myths because it’s been a while
and then starting on Thursday there is going to be a GUEST WEEK AND 2 DAYS
because i am moving to Chicago and it is had to move to chicago and write myths at the same time
this is something I have learned the hard way
trust me there is some really sweet shit queued up for that week and 2 days
BUT ANYWAY

so remember how apollo tried to bang that Daphne chick
and she turned into a tree forever rather than put out
like pretty much the ultimate cockblock?
yeah
that is not an isolated event
this kind of shit happens to Apollo ALL THE TIME
like so check it out

one time apollo is out with his boytoy Hyacinthus
they hunt all the time and hold each other’s animals and shit
they are having so much fun
they are having all the fun
no one else can have any fun because they are having it all
but so then one day
they’re out in the middle of the field
and they strip down and rub themselves with oil
and Apollo is like ALRIGHT NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE
and Hyacinthus is like okay
now that we’re all oiled up
and Apollo is like YES YES DO GO ON
and Hyacinthus is like LET’S THROW SOME MOTHERFUCKING DISCUS
and Apollo is like oh
well okay sure
I guess that sounds fun

so Apollo goes first
he chucks his discus way the fuck into the sky
it mutilates the clouds and skullrapes some birds and devours some airplanes
basically it is a really good discus throw
and then it lands
and Hyacinthus is all like MY TURN MY TURN LEMME GO GET IT
and Apollo is like WAIT HOLD ON IT HASN’T STOPPED BOUNCING YET aww fuck
hey Hyacinthus wake up
get that discus out of your face
that is not where a discus belongs
haha okay great prank but prank time is over
you can stop bleeding all over everything and being dead now
GOD DAMMIT WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

but then he gets his shit together
he’s like welp
it’s not my fault this kid was a dumbass
i guess the best bet is to solve this problem the way I solve all my romance problems
WITH BOTANY
HYACINTHUS
FROM NOW ON YOU ARE FLOWERS
YOUR PETALS ARE GOING TO SAY AI AI AI ALL OVER THEM
BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT MY BALLS ARE SCREAMING RIGHT NOW
SERIOUSLY MY JIZZPOUCHES ARE FUCKING CERULEAN
and that is where Hyacinths come from

so the moral of the story
is discus throwing is a terrible idea for a first date

The end.

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10 thoughts on “Apollo Never Gets Laid

  1. 'MY JIZZPOUCHES ARE FUCKING CERULEAN' one of the better ones yet.

    Awesome work keep it up. and good luck with the move 😀

  2. Ohh 🙁 no. See, I usually love your re-written myths, but as the myth of Hyacinth & Apollo always makes me sad, I did not enjoy this so much.

  3. if you're in the mood for more modern myths (ha, alliteration), can you do "East of the Sun and West of the Moon"? it's like a much cooler version of beauty & the beast.

    thank you very much 🙂

    and before you ask– an ell is 45 inches, so the princess whose nose is three ells long has an eleven-foot-three-inch-long nose.

  4. Hmm. In the version I read, Apollo and Zephyrus (the wind) were both obsessed with Hyacinthus and Apollo and H were shooting arrows, not throwing discus, and then Zephyrus started being a jealous shit and blew at the arrow but I guess he had really shitty breath-aim because the arrow flew into Hyacinthus and that was when all the flower shit happened

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