Bastard Children are Morons

Thanks to tsuyoshikentsu. Mr. O’Brien will resume his postings next week.

So there’s this chick Clymene

and she would be totally unremarkable
except one day Helios, god of the sun
decides to pull a Zeus and just randomly knock her up and leave
so she has this kid Phaeton
and let me tell you
if you thought that guy icarus was dumb
you will not BELIEVE this kid
so he goes up to his mom and asks hey
I know this is an incredibly painful subject for you
but can you tell me who my dad is
and Clymene is like well
I don’t want to brag
but
your dad
is HELIOS
GOD OF THE SUN
and Phaeton is like no but really who mah dadday
and Clymene is like no but really it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like okay stop the bullshit now
and Clymene is like no for real it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like you are a liar
and Clymene is like well if you don’t believe me why don’t you go find him
you damned ungrateful child
and Phaeton is like fine
I will
and basically he does
like he is so intent on proving his mother wrong
that he seriously GOES TO HEAVEN
and goes and asks the sun god
but actually his mother is telling the truth
so Helios is like actually yes, I am your daddy
and Phaeton is all like PROVE IT
and Helios is like ARGH WHAT THE HELL KID
YOU KNOW WHAT
FINE
I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO PROVE THIS
and Phaeton is like pinky swear?
and Helios is like fuck that mortal shit
I SWEAR ON THE RIVER STYX
and Phaeton is like SWEET I WANNA DRIVE THE CHARIOT
okay
brief time out here
the Greeks believed
that the sun was actually the chariot of the sun god
being driven across the sky every day
like he would have nothing better to do
but anyway this is the chariot Phaeton wants to drive
and Helios is all like uhhhhh
that will probably kill you son
(get it son)
and Phaeton says BUT YOU PROMISED
and Helios is like no but for real
the chariot is on fire
and the horses breathe fire
also they’re crazy
you would probably burn to a crisp
and Phaeton is like BUT YOU PROOOOMIIIIIISED
and Helios is like FINE JESUS
but here
let me rub you with oil that will stop you from burning
and Phaeton is all like great!
so the next day Phaeton gets all set to go on the chariot
and his dad is like this is a terrible idea
and Phaeton is like SCREW YOU DAD I DO WHAT I WANT
NOW GIDDYUP
and the fire-breathing horses are all like
this guy is a total wuss
except horses can’t talk, not even fire-breathing ones
but anyway they just totally fucking bolt
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIiiiiIIiiIiiiIIIiiIiIiIT
(cause he’s moving right
anyway)
and hes not being burned but he can’t steer the damn chariot
and the chariot is the sun
so basically the sun goes way up high and Helios starts freezing his balls off
and is like GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW BOY
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIIIiiiiIiIiiIiiIIIIiIIiiiiIIIT
but he manages to make the horses go lower
except now he’s TOO LOW
and he’s just fucking burning everything
and he flies over africa like SHIIIIIIiiiiiiIIiIIIIIiIIIIIiiIT
and he burns most of northern africa and that’s why it’s a desert
and he burns most of the africans and that’s why ethiopians are black
(anansi probably has something to say about that, but fuck him
this is a greek myth
anyway)
he just keeps burning shit and burning shit
and all the water starts to dry up
and even poseidon gets up and is like
BITCH
CUT THIS THE FUCK OUT
but it’s too hot for him to handle and he has to run
so finally zeus manages to look away from whatever chick he is currently boning
and is like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UP THERE
HELIOS
YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING AROUND
and then he looks and he sees it’s not Helios
and then he basically is like fuck this
and he takes a lightning bolt and shoots down the chariot
and Phaeton dies a horrible death
so naturally Helios is pretty upset about this
and he goes and he mourns for a few days
which would be fine for anyone else, but he’s not driving his chariot
bam
no sun
and finally the other gods are like FUCK dude
it’s just a kid
get over it
and Helios is like okay
and he goes back to doing his thing
but the fact of the matter is
none of this would have been a problem
if Clymene hadn’t known who Phaeton’s father was
thereby proving
if you knock some chick up
it is better that you don’t give her your name

the end

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