Being a Cow Is Not The Best Attack Strategy

Okay I got bored of Greek myths so here’s a short one from India

alright so Krishna right?

He’s got some enemies
obviously
it’s hard not to have enemies when you’re a one man fiasco engine
running around cockslapping demons like it’s a drive-by orgy
but that doesn’t explain why Krishna has already started accumulating enemies
AT ZERO YEARS OLD
that’s right
this dude has not even learned not to shit himself at random
and he is already stocking up on nemeses
and what’s more
the particular nemesis in question right now
is his EVIL UNCLE KAMSA
i’ve heard some pretty good excuses for disowning family members
but having an Evil Uncle Kamsa pretty much tops the list

so what Kamsa does
is he pays this demoness named Putana
seriously
she’s named Putana
which means the people who wrote this myth either didn’t know any spanish
or totally did and thought it was hilarious
but anyway Kamsa pays this bitch to kill Krishna in his crib
so what Putana does is she dresses up like a cowherd lady
or maybe just a cow
i’m not entirely sure
but either way she just rolls into Krishna’s room and starts breastfeeding him
like HEY KID WANNA MOUTH MY TITS?
but see as you probably guessed
demon milk is WAYYYY POISONOUS
so baby Krishna is about to get a mouth full of boobs and arsenic
not a bad way to go honestly

but Krishna is having none of it
he figures out right away that there’s something wrong with these gazongas
so what does he do?
he proceeds to suck on them SO HARD HE EXTRACTS PUTANA’S SOUL THROUGH HER NIPPLES
YEAH
PRETTY SEXY
PRETTY WEIRD
and then she dies and then the poison doesn’t even have any effect
and Krishna just goes ahead and embarks on a career of wanton asskicking
and everyone is pretty grossed out by the whole thing

so the moral of the story
is the way to a woman’s soul is through her nipples
i always suspected this but now I know for sure

THE END.

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4 thoughts on “Being a Cow Is Not The Best Attack Strategy

  1. One man fiasco engine? Cockslapping demons like it's a drive-by orgy?

    Are you kidding me, man? Are you fucking kidding me?

    Greatest two lines ever. Can I steal them?

  2. Haha, pretty hilarious- I love this retelling! Awesome job! By the way, the reason why Krishna already had enemies before he was even born is that he's the 8th main avatar of Vishnu, who was around before his advent of Krishna in different forms.

  3. Pingback: Krishna is a Butterface | Myths RETOLD

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