Beowulf Can Kick An Ass So Hard It Flies Into Orbit At Such High Speeds That It Turns Back Time To A Point Just Before It Was Kicked and Then Beowulf Kicks it Again

So Beowulf has now officially killed two monsters
in about four days
what does this call for my friends?
it calls for a PARTY
and not just any party
a PAR
TAY
prized among party connoisseurs
as the hardiest of parties
guys
this party could not get any hardier
if it was a band of battle-hardened veterans
crawling through the thick underbrush
of shindig central
hell bent on capturing the rich hootenany reserves
of soiree city
these dudes are drinking mead
out of the skulls of other dudes
who died of alcohol poisoning
EARLIER IN THE PARTY

so Hrothgar gets shithouse wasted
and makes this long-ass speech
like HEY BEOWULF
YOU SHOULD ESCHEW MATERIAL REWARDS
IN FAVOR OF SPIRITUAL REWARDS
BY THE WAY I’MA HOOK YOU UP WITH TWELVE KINDS OF TREASURE TOMORROW
MAYBE ALSO SOME WHORES
I’M GONNA GO VOMIT INTO MY WIFE’S MOUTH AND THEN FALL ASLEEP

so then beowulf goes home
back to the home of the geats
appropriately called geatland
and the king Hygelac
is like BEOWULF MY MAN WHATS GOOD
ARE YOU READY TO PARTY
and Beowulf is like I’m pretty sure I still have a liver
BRING IT ON
oh by the way
i hear you’re about to marry off one of your kids
to some dudes called the Heathobards
to make peace with them or some shit
GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE
NOT GONNA WORK
because as i recall
you guys have been murdering each other for YEARS
and stealing each other’s priceless heirlooms
which everyone insists on wearing TO THE WEDDING
and that is going to be TOTALLY TACKY
QUICK WEATHER FORECAST HYGELAC
PARTLY CLOUDY
WITH CHANCE OF PREMARITAL BLOODBATH
OH IS THAT MORE MEAD DON’T MIND IF I DO

so then Beowulf proceeds to tell us a bunch of shit we already know
about grendel
and grendel’s mom
because apparently they didn’t have hyperlinks back then
and everyone in geatland talks about how great he is
then Hygelac gives him a ton of presents
and later he dies and beowulf becomes king for fifty years
pretty sweet being a hero
not gonna lie

CUT TO 300 YEARS AGO
This dude right
he has a whole bunch of treasure
but OH NO
HE’S ABOUT TO DIE
so he is like
I spent my whole life
systematically denying people access to this treasure
WHY STOP NOW
and he buries it all
and then dies on it
maybe he died fucking it
it is not clear whether or not he is a dwarf

anyway then later a dragon finds it
and is like TREASURE?!
COUNT ME IN
what is it with dragons and treasure
treasure is basically good for 2 things:
buying shit
and christmas gifts
dragons cannot buy things
as they do not have thumbs
and I have yet to meet a dragon that celebrates christmas
they are more into the winter solstice
fucking new-agey wiccan dragons

CUT TO THE PRESENT
some stupidass thief
sneaks into the dragon’s lair
and steals
like
a gold codpiece or some shit
maybe it even has some of the original owner’s congealed semen in it
again
this all depends on whether the original owner was a dwarf
but REGARDLESS
the dragon realizes this shit is gone
and is like OH NO YOU DIDN’T
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES
and just starts flying all the fuck over everywhere
setting shit on fire

now this would be fine
dragons setting shit on fire is kind of par for the course in old europe
but one of the things this dragon sets on fire
is BEOWULF’S MEADHALL
and beowulf (now like 80 years old)
is left standing in the wreckage (his skin is fire-retardant, remember)
like fuck
where am i supposed to party now?
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES

so beowulf gathers all his dudes
and he puts on his armor
and he rides to the dragon’s lair
and he is like guys
a few years ago
I had a renowned craftsman
build me a sundial
so that I would always know what time it is
but just this morning
in fact
around the same time that dragon set my shit on fire
the sundial seems to have broken
because all day
it has been stuck at MURDER O’CLOCK
I’M BOUT TO MURDER THIS DRAGON DON’T EVEN DOUBT IT
but first let me bore you with some tales from my childhood
OKAY TIME’S UP COMMENCE KILLING

so beowulf sprints towards the dragon’s lair
wearing some chainmail and wielding a sword
and the dragon pops out like SUPPPPPPP
and beowulf is like WHAT’S GOOOOOOOOD
and they start wrestling
I REPEAT
80-YEAR-OLD MAN
WRESTLES
DRAGON
but when Beowulf tries to stab the dragon in the neck
his sword breaks
and the dragon takes a fat bite out of his neck
and he is like GUYS
HELP?
but all his guys are too busy shitting themselves with endless terror
all his guys that is
except for this dude Wiglaf
who is like COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSIES
and then stabs the dragon in the stomach
which gives beowulf the time he needs
to eviscerate it with his fucking pocketknife
sweet

but all is not well
because it turns out the dragon’s teeth are POISON
so Beowulf is right in the middle of being victorious and shit
when all of a sudden he’s like oh damn
guess i’m gonna die after all
and falls down
and Wiglaf is like BALLS
WHAT DO I DO
and beowulf is like naw dude…
it’s cool…
just bring me …
some sweet treasure…
and set me on fire …
and tell everybody …
what a sweet dude…
i was …
and then he dies
and geatland is probably about to get invaded from all sides
a bukakke shotgun spray of conquest
but it’s okay
becuase beowulf’s funeral is totally sweet

so the moral of this story
is that all of the greatest heroic acts
are performed by dudes
motivated solely
by the desire
to party

The end.

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9 thoughts on “Beowulf Can Kick An Ass So Hard It Flies Into Orbit At Such High Speeds That It Turns Back Time To A Point Just Before It Was Kicked and Then Beowulf Kicks it Again

  1. motivated by the desire to party… pretty much sums up MOST Norse Badasses, actually.
    its that or "dude, you have totally insulted me"

  2. Possibly the greatest blog post ever made. This should be carved into something solid and studied by future generations.

    No seriously tho, I think this is super awesome.

  3. As a big fan and long time reader of Publius Ovidius Naso, I must say you capture his mischievous spirit perfectly! You blog is truly a delightful (and hilarious) modern retelling of myth in the voice of Ovid. *salute*

  4. Did you watch the 2007 animated Beowulf film?
    The one with Anthony Hopkins voicing Hrothgar and Angelina Jolie as Grendel’s hot mom?
    Would love to read what you thought of it.
    If you don’t know it, I liked it quite a bit, so at least I think it’s worth checking out.

  5. Lmfao! Excellent Paraphrasing! Btw, You forgot to mention “Bees” in this 3rd part xD! But it’s all GEWD! This was EPIC! XD! Thanks for the Laughs!

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