Beowulf is the product of a genetic experiment to breed the baddest ass possible (Part 2!)

Sorry guys
I just spent the last 48 hours
ceaselessly writing graduate school apps
actually i mentioned this blog in my apps
so if you guys could go ahead and post comments
about what a great writer I am
that would be great

anyway beowulf did not get finished being a badass in the last myth
so let’s get back to business
so grendel is dead apparently
because of blood loss from a SEVERED FUCKING ARM
but surprisingly
grendel has a mother
named
creatively enough
grendel’s mother
and she is PISSED
so no sooner has everyone finished partying
(and you have to understand
this has got to be
the party to end all parties
seeing as these dudes have been getting their party on
under threat of murder
for twelve years
and suddenly they ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE)
grendel’s mom comes dervishing into the middle of this human sleepfest
like a hurricane of sexy rage
and just starts hatefucking a bloody canyon through the dudes on display
until they all wake up like SHIT MAYBE WE SHOULD USE VIOLENCE
and grendel’s mom is like FUCK I HATE VIOLENCE
and just gets the fuck out of there
with a dead body and grendel’s arm

so where is beowulf during all of this?
he’s in some sweet private room Hrothgar hooked him up with
so he conveniently fails to pop out and remove grendel’s mom’s skin
and only even learns what the fuck is going on
once she has escaped

so obviously beowulf is pretty pissed about this
Hrothgar hits him up like hey dude
i know you already done killed grendel and everything
but could you take some time out of your busy boozing schedule
to murder his mom
and beowulf is like THAT BITCH STOLE MY TROPHY ARM
I AM ON THIS SHIT LIKE BEES ON AN UNFORTUNATE BEAR
(yeah that’s right i’ve been commissioned to mention bees
at least once per post
until this myth is finished)

so there are some complications obviously
one
is that grendel’s mom
apparently lives in a FLAMMABLE SWAMP
another is that no man has ever reached the bottom of it alive
and guess where grendel’s mom lives
yeah
so beowulf cops a sweet sword off one of Hrothgar’s dudes
and then he brings all his homies to the swamp
and he is like dudes
i might die right now
but you know what
whatever
and then he dives into the water
and swims for roughly twenty four hours
and eventually arrives at the bottom of the lake
at which point grendel’s mom jumps out like BLUH
and starts trying to murder him

so luckily beowulf also jacked some sweet armor form Hrothgar
so grendel’s mom does not immediately crush him
but then he starts trying to chop off her limbs
and just STAYS FAILING
that is
until he finds an even bigger sword on the wall
and decapitates her with it
and then
apparently unsatisfied with the current level of decapitation
also finds grendel’s corpse floating around in there
and decapitates that too
which is actually a pretty bad plan
because grendel’s blood is HYDROCHLORIC ACID
the sword immediately dissolves
but that does not discourage beowulf
from stealing his severed head
and swimming for another solid day to get back up to the surface

meanwhile
all the dudes on the surface wait for like a day
and then see a veritable assload of blood
and are like oh
guess beowulf is dead huh
we should go home
but the geats
(beowulf’s dudes)
are like no way man
that’s gotta be someone else’s blood
beowulf bleeds fire and bullets so that couldn’t be his blood
and what do you know
2 days later THEY ARE RIGHT
beowulf shows up with a severed head and a melted sword like sup
did you miss me
i didn’t miss you
i was too busy killing

STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS VIOLENCE ORGY TOMORROW

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6 thoughts on “Beowulf is the product of a genetic experiment to breed the baddest ass possible (Part 2!)

  1. REQUESTED COMMENT(S):
    So, you're kind of a crazy awesome writer/blogger. You to do mythology what the 300 movie did to Spartan history. That is, you make it sound super exciting and interesting to a generation which, otherwise, would probably never read mythology. So basically you're educating the ignorant, ADD populus of the internet in ancient mythology. High five.
    It certainly helps that you're HILARIOUS. My sister and I always read your posts and (with little variability) die of laughter. Keep it up, dude, and good luck on those applications.

    • Yeah, except 300 was completely inaccurate, while this guy keeps the myths completely accurate. like 80% of 300 was theatricality that never happened, but this blog keeps the facts and just describes them in a way that is more likely to interest the younger generations today.

  2. oddly, so far you have been fairly accurate. i always wondered about some of these ancient tales..
    i havent seen much of the rest of your blog, but i assume that you are going to get some serious mileage out of the old myths…….

    PS. you may find "Norse Mythology, according to Uncle Einar" by Jane Sibley to be a worthwhile read

    • Accurate and a good writer and everyone should bow down the greatness that is you and your writing. Good luck with the apps and great retelling.

  3. Finally!!! Being forced to read Beowulf in high school pays off. I feel like Beowulf's the only man in the known universe who could win a fight against Chuck Norris. *nods*

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