Big Ajax is a Huge Crybaby

I figure it’s time for a greek myth
I’ve been kind of far afield lately and it feels good to come back
plus some creepy stalker bought me like a dozen greek myth books
so i am trying to appease them
whoever they are

OKAY SO THE TROJAN WAR RIGHT
it happens
some dudes kill some other dudes
they flex their muscles and run around a lot
it’s pretty okay
if that’s your thing I guess

BUT TODAY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TROJAN WAR
today we are talking about the aftermath of the trojan war
see because after that shit gets done
or at least after Achilles dies
everyone is faced with a very important question:
who the fuck gets to keep Achilles’ armor?
There are two main dudes who lay claim to that shit
there is Big Ajax
who is this guy
who is I guess really big?
and there is Odysseus
the lyin’ cheatin’ adulterin’ motherfucker
who in a few short weeks will go on to wheel a horse full of murder into troy
GUESS WHO WINS
I WILL GIVE YOU A HINT:
HIS NAME IS ODYSSEUS

but it’s not even odysseus’s fault that he wins
see everybody is kind of stumped about how to decide this shit
some people suggest having a secret vote
and some people suggest a murdering contest
and some people suggest just fucking giving Odysseus the armor
because fuck it he’s just gonna take it anyway
but none of those are what actually happen
because this professional wise dude named Nestor has a BETTER IDEA
he’s like hey guys
how about instead of relying on our better judgement
we rely on the better judgement of our ENEMIES
just send someone to listen at the walls outside troy
and hear who the Trojans think should get the armor
and everyone is like uh well okay sure

so someone goes and does that
and they basically overhear some Trojan chicks going OMIGAWD ODYSSEUS IS SO HOT
FUCK AJAX
BUT ACTUALLY
FUCK ODYSSEUS
BUT LIKE IN THE SEXY WAY
OH GOD WE ARE SO CONFUSED IT MUST BE BECAUSE WE WANT TO BONE ODYSSEUS
and the spy goes back to the greeks and he’s like uh
problem solved?

except no
problem NOT solved
because it turns out that Ajax is a TERRIBLE SPORT
see as soon as he finds out about this shit
he goes completely bonkers
and as soon as the sun goes down he just starts running around
chaining sheep together and stabbing the shit out of them
i think he has become convinced that they are Odysseus or something
but anyway he finally gets a little bit of a hold on himself
enough to realize that he is mainly murdering sheep
and that he should probably get the fuck out of here before someone finds out
so he finds his bro Teucer and he’s like hey bro
gonna go kill myself now
that cool?
And Teucer is like what did you say?
oh, uh
sure bro
sure

so Ajax goes and finds a nice picturesque suicide spot
and starts trying to stab himself
but that sword wants NOTHING TO DO WITH STABBING AJAX
it’s like wait a second dude
i know what’s going on here
i’m gonna stab you
and then you’re gonna be like WHAT THE FUCK SWORD
HOW DARE YOU STAB BIG AJAX
and then you’re gonna turn me into a sword pretzel
swords do not make very good pretzels ajax they aren’t even edible
but so instead of murdering Ajax
the sword just turns into a limp-ass noodle
thus further embarassing Ajax
until he figures out that he can still kill himself
by just stuffing the sword into his armpit
real fuckin’ dignified

so then next morning some of Ajax’s other relatives are like hey Teucer
Ajax looked pretty pissed last night
maybe we should confine him to his tent so he doesn’t do anything crazy
like kill a bunch of sheep
or maybe himself
and Teucer is like way ahead of you buddy
he totally already did those things so there’s nothing to worry about
and everyone is like what the fuck Teucer
why you gotta be so useless

and meanwhile, Menelaus is totally refusing to let anyone bury Ajax
because he’s a huge dick apparently
or maybe because he doesn’t want to expend the effort and dirt necessary
to bury Ajax’s huge dick
but either way Odysseus pulls some strings and gets Ajax buried
even if it is in a coffin that says I’M A PANSY WHO COMMITS SUICIDE BLUH BLUH BLUH
and then Odysseus donates Achilles’ armor to Achilles’ son
which they probably should have just done in the first place
side-stepping this fuckscapade entirely

EPILOGUE:
Achilles’s son totally loses the armor in a shipwreck
Teucer comes home and then gets exiled for totally failing to stand up for his bro
IN ANY WAY
and Odysseus goes to Hell and meets Ajax and Ajax is like I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU

so the moral of the story
is always leave a last will and testament
you don’t want a bunch of sweaty muscle dudes murdering all the sheep
just because you forgot to bequeath your fucking bathrobe or something

the end.

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8 thoughts on “Big Ajax is a Huge Crybaby

  1. Wait, I thought Ajax was killed by some Trojan jerk, and that's why Achilles shit his non-existent britches.
    Or am I thinking of that boring Brad Pitt movie?

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