Bushmen Don’t Like Fire For Obvious Reasons

Motherfuckin Africa

apparently
(according to the bushmen)
used to be totally abandoned
because everybody
WAS LIVING UNDERGROUND
they were living with the creator
KAANG
now to me
this begs the question
WHY
WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO CREATE THE GROUND
JUST TO MAKE PEOPLE LIVE UNDER IT
well the answer is pretty simple
apparently Kaang created all the people and animals and shit
before he got around to actually making shit up on the surface
so he was like fuck
where am i going to put all this shit I made
oh I know
UNDERGROUND
and actually it’s pretty sweet underground
there’s light even though there’s no sun
and the people and the animals can like talk to each other and shit
but Kaang isn’t satisfied
he’s one of those workaholic creation gods
that’s always gotta be working on some fucking project
making mountains
or clouds
or weird animals no one is going to give a shit about
seriously, you’ve got lions
AND tigers
AND leopards
AND panthers
they’re all basically just different flavors of catmurder
why fucking bother
I’ll tell you why
BECAUSE KAANG NEEDED SOMETHING TO DO
so he’s chilling underground
constructing this super rad world on the surface
all like just wait another couple million years dudes
i’ll totally let you up on the surface
and finally he does
he digs this bigass hole
and it leads to the base of a bigass tree
and he is like hey guys
come check out this bigass tree
and the first man climbs up out of the hole
and pretty soon the first woman comes out of the hole
and they prolly start doin’ it
but that’s not really important
what’s important
is that once all the people and animals come out of the hole
Kaang is like ok guys
enjoy this sweet new world i made
but humans
whatever you do
don’t make any fucking fires
GOT IT?
and the humans are like sure man no problem
what would we need fires for
we have the warmth of friendship
BUT IT TURNS OUT FRIENDSHIP DOES NOT KEEP YOU WARM WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
this is something these people have never experienced before
and they can’t see shit either
so they just start screaming
like KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG
and they are like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKE A FIRE
YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK IT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA
so they make a fire
which proceeds to scare the SHIT out of all the animals
who from then on refuse to talk to the humans

but guess what guys
the humans might not have any more animal pals
BUT THEY DONT FUCKING FREEZE TO DEATH EITHER
proving once and for all
that sometimes
god has no fucking clue what he’s talking about
and at those times
fire is usually the answer

the end.

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4 thoughts on “Bushmen Don’t Like Fire For Obvious Reasons

  1. HOLY SHIT THE WORLD IS RED I JUST WANT TO BREAK THINGS
    But I like it too. Are you just picking random myths now? or have you had a back catalog for awhile now?

  2. “Different flavors of catmurder . . .”

    I love cats, so this is my favorite part. and my cat loves to attempt catmurder . . . usually on our friends, so now they are terrified of her. It’s hilarious. Thanks for reminding me of my vicious kitty! She’s awesome and so are you!!

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