CALIFORNIAAAAAA

So eagle and crow
they are best buds
such good buds in fact
that when the world floods
eagle lets crow ride on his back
while they search for land

well tough tits for them
because there is no land anywhere at all
but finally they manage to find a stump at least
and eagle goes and sits on that
like finally fuck
i have been carrying you for like eleventy billion weeks asshole

then they get bored
so every day the two birds have a fish-catching contest
but then at the end of the day they just split the fish evenly
so it is not a very high stakes contest
remember they are best buds
and then they spend a bunch of time trying to find land
and failing
harrrd

then in the evening they always come back to the stump
like damn
i wonder if there’s a way for us to make land
we can’t dive deep enough to get any dirt
so what the fuck would we make it out of?

and this is what they do every day
until one day
a duck shows up
diving down to get fish
and coming up with more mud in his mouth than fish
because he is shitty at catching fish
so crow and eagle are like HOLY SHIT
we can USE THIS BIRD to get LAND
so they are like hey duck
we will give you fish
if you bring us mud
and duck is like sweet deal dudes
i’m on it
so for the next bajillion days
crow and eagle and duck
engage in what my source material calls
“a great game of fish and mud exchange”

guys
there are a lot of great games
fish and mud exchange is not one of them
any game that involves the words fish
and mud
and exchange
is a shitty game in my book
although actually settlers of catan is a lot like that
at least when you play with fish
i like settlers of catan
ANYWAY

eagle and crow are building the shit out of some mudpiles over here
all like BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
TOTALLY GONNA SPLIT THIS NEW LAND EVENLY
but then one day eagle goes away for a bit
and he comes back
and crow has STOLEN THE SHIT OUT OF LIKE HALF OF HIS MUD
and eagle is like what the fuck crow
what the fuck
and the two of them have a massive shit fit about it
and then eagle starts putting out twice as much fish for duck
as crow does
so duck brings eagle twice as much mud
and eagle’s land keeps getting bigger and bigger
and crow doesn’t even fucking notice
and then the rains stop
and the sun bakes the mud
and they keep building the fuck out of these mountains they are making
these things are MASSIVE
in fact if you were to go look for these dirtmounds now
you would not have a hard time finding them
because eagle’s mudpile is now known
as the FUCKING SIERRAS
and crow’s mudpile
is a bitchass puss nexus of a mountain range
known as the Coast mountain range
basically because while crow cheated one time
eagle cheated over and over again
for days and months and years

and now eagle is a fucking native american culture hero
for his honor and wingspan and shit
and everyone hates crow
because one time he stole some dirt
so the moral of the story i guess
is if someone fucks you over once
you can fuck them over in return
day after day
never stopping
never slowing down
and it will be okay
everyone will love you
and you will get to own the fucking sierras

the end.

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3 thoughts on “CALIFORNIAAAAAA

  1. Settlers of Catan!! This was my first thought also.

    Plus I dunno, the NW peoples love Crow. How can you not? He will totally fuck with you if you don't. I love you Crow!

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