Set Doesn’t Know When to Quit, and Neither Does His Ass

Okay so I told at least part of this story a while ago
and there is a version of that version in my INCREDIBLE FIRST BOOK
but two things have happened since then:

ONE: my shitty friend Andrew won’t stop bothering me to tell it again
because I guess he doesn’t read my archives

TWO: I found a new and better source for this story that is WAY WEIRDER

SO BUCKLE YOUR BUTTS, NINJAS
WE’RE GOING TO EGYPT.

So Horus and Set both want to be king of the gods
everyone pretty much agrees on how this came to pass:
Set chopped up the previous king (Osiris) and ate his dick
his wife (Isis) found all the pieces and resurrected him using a cock of gold
she got pregnant from the gold cock and gave birth to Horus
Set killed Horus with some poison burgers, but death didn’t stick
so now Horus has grown up
and he has a legit claim to the throne
and everything is problems.

The way the Egyptian gods try to solve this should actually seem pretty familiar
what they do is they get together a council
of all the oldest, crankiest, and most conservative gods
and they bicker with each other for decades, failing to solve anything
half of them support Set
because he’s older and he’s got a big dick
and half of them support Horus
because he is THE SON OF THE PREVIOUS KING
AND THE OTHER CANDIDATE HAS TRIED TO MURDER HIM MANY TIMES

Set has a crazy amount of influence though
because like I said, half the gods are in bed with Big Desert
perhaps literally, but I’ll get to that.
Anyway, he manages to get Isis banned from the meeting
effectively hanging a big “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign over the door
but she bribes her way onto their secret island
and then she transforms herself into the hottest chick in the universe
and Set’s hot chick radar starts going crazy, so he goes off to stalk her
(Set’s hot chick radar is actually just his boner.)
He’s like “Hey pretty lady, what are you doing here?”
and she’s like “Well see my husband died
and his son was tending all our cows
but then some stranger just busted into our house
beat the shit out of my son
and was like ‘these are my cows now.'”
and Set is like “Wow that’s fucked up
obviously the cows belong to your son.”
and Isis turns back into herself and she’s like “HAHA GOT YOU BITCH
THE ANALOGY IS PERFECT, EAT A DICK
OH WAIT
YOU ALREADY DID”
and Set is like “FUCK YOU I ONLY SAID THAT SHIT BECAUSE YOU WERE HOT”
and then he runs back to the council and tells them everything

so the council is like “well?
are you going to give up your claim to the throne then?”
and Set is like “WHAT? NO
HORUS
TURN INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS WITH ME
WE WILL GO INTO THE WATER AND SEE WHO CAN HOLD HIS BREATH LONGER
WHOEVER STAYS UNDER FOR THREE MONTHS WILL BE KING.”
and everyone is like “O…okay”

So Horus and Set go underwater
and Isis is like “this is bad
Set can hold his breath forever
it’s what makes him so good at oral”
so she makes a harpoon
and she chuck it into the water
but she accidentally hits Horus
and Horus is like “OW MOM WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh shit sorry”
so she pulls back the harpoon and throws it at Set
and Set is like “OW SIS WHAT THE FUCK”
and Isis is like “Oh yeah you’re my brother huh”
so she pulls the barb out
and Horus is like “Seriously mom?
That dude is never not trying to kill me
why would you spare him?”
and Isis is like “Family values I guess?”
so Horus is like “I’ll show you family values”
and he chops off her head and leaves with it.

So now shit has really gone off the rails
Isis turns herself into a flint statue
(she’s apparently not dead though)
and the whole king thing is put on hold
just to track down Horus and tell him off
but unfortunately Set finds him first, while Horus is sleeping
REMOVES HIS EYEBALLS
and buries them in the sand
where they grow into lotuses for some reason.
Then set goes back to the other gods like “nope, didn’t find Horus
where did he go?
I guess it’s a mystery we will never solve now make me king.”
But Hathor, the chillest of the gods, finds Horus
and she is like “hey
dude,
Open your eye(s) so that I may put this milk in them”
(^^^^actual direct quote from the source
and also the kind of thing that would never get me to open my eyes
unless someone had already taken my eyes out and turned them into lotuses I guess)
anyway Hathor pours milk in Horus’s eyesockets
and i guess makes him new eyes out of mozzarella balls or something

So Horus shows back up at the council
like “hey I’m back
no thanks to Set, who gouged out my eyes.”
and Set is like “Boy this is awkward
hey Horus
why don’t you come over to my house for dinner and a sleepover
it will be an adult slumber party, it will be great.”

So Horus goes over to Set’s house for dinner
and he’s like “Hey I brought some beer if you want it
I hope you don’t try to kill me”
and Set is like “Haha whaaaat?
No way
that was the old Set
the new Set just wants to have sex with you”
and Horus is like “Oh
well that sounds safe”
so they do it in the butt
or at least between Horus’s thighs
but they don’t have a condom and Horus is all about safe sex
so instead of catching Set’s sperm in his butt
he catches it in his hands
and then he goes directly to Isis
and he’s like “Hey mom, Set jizzed on my hands”
and she’s like “EW EW EW WHAT THE FUCK”
and chops his hands off and throws them in a river
which seems like it would be inconvenient for Horus
except he chopped his mom’s head off earlier and she seems fine.

Anyway then Isis is like “Here, take this Viagra
Great, now bust a nut in this jar
okay, now sit tight while I pop over to Set’s garden
and dump this jizz all over his lettuce”
(btw ancient egyptians apparently considered lettuce an aphrodisiac
which actually explains a lot about rabbits)
Set, being a raw food vegan who likes to fuck
chows down on lettuce every night
so he just gobbles up all of Horus’s sperm
and immediately becomes pregnant

the two of them show up at the council the next day
and Set’s like “Okay guys, debate over
I peed in Horus’s butt
and we all know that you can’t be king with another man’s pee in your butt
it’s the law.”
and Horus is like “You did NOT pee in my butt
but I DID spooge in your salad”
and Set is like “Nuh uh”
and Horus is like “Yuh huh”
and Thoth, GOD OF WISDOM, is like “Okay guys there’s a very easy way to solve this
let’s just summon y’all’s sperm and see where it’s at
HEY SET’S SPERM, REPRESENT”
and Set’s sperm is like “We’re in the river, just chilling”
and then Thoth is like “HORUS’S SPERM, WHERE YOU AT?”
and they’re like “We’re in Set’s stomach. It sucks.”
and Thoth is like “Prove it. Come out his ear.”
and they’re like “Seriously?
we are divine sperm
and you want us to ooze out of a guy’s ear?”
and Thoth is like “fine, come out the top of his head”
and they’re like “that’s more like it”
and they spurt out of his head and form a golden halo
which Thoth takes
and proceeds to WEAR
next time you look at a picture of angels
imagine that they’re all wearing jizzcrowns
also
the concept of talking sperm is terrifying to me
i feel like my sperm would have some shit to say
it would be just like that song.
ALSO
some scholars believe that set actually gave birth to Thoth
as a result of these lettuce shenanigans
which would mean that his man-womb would have to be a time machine
like the ones from Primer
powerful enough to send Thoth back to when Horus was a baby
so he could fuck up Set’s plans in the past
which i guess is what babies mostly do anyway.

So yeah, seems like a pretty open and shut case
which is why Set does the reasonable thing
and challenges Horus to a boat race for kingship
which he loses, because he builds his boat out of rocks
but the council is STILL UNDECIDED
so they write a letter to Osiris
who is not dead
and has just been ruling the underworld this whole time
like “who should we make king?”
and Osiris is like “I DON’T KNOW HOW ABOUT MY SON???”
and they’re like “Yeah but”
and Osiris is like “BUT WHAT?
WHAT ARGUMENT COULD YOU POSSIBLY MAKE AT THIS POINT?”
and they’re like “Hm.
I guess when you put it that way
long live Horus.”

The moral of the story
is that if your defeat is assured
you can always filibuster
and if that doesn’t work
you can always fill him, buster
and if that doesn’t work
well
at least you had an orgasm.

The end.

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Thoth Bangs Nut for DAYS

Thoth is the bee’s fucking knees
like if you have ever looked at a bee
and been like why is that bee walking so stiffly
the answer is
because it has no knees
Thoth stole them
by being them.

We’re talking about a dude who got fed up with not existing
so he grabbed existence by the hair and being like
SAY MY NAME BITCH
but existence, being a concept, couldn’t say shit
so Thoth was like FINE I’LL DO IT:
THOTH
BOOM
I EXIST NOW.
This is a dude not to be trifled with.

So one day Thoth is busting a nut up in Nut
the goddess of the sky/RA’S FUCKING WIFE
and Nut’s like hey maybe we should keep it down
don’t want my husband
who is also THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE AND LORD OF THE SUN
to find out I’m cheating on him with you
and Ra’s like WHAT’S THAT HONEY?
DID YOU FORGET THAT I SEE LITERALLY EVERYTHING?
SERIOUSLY, I RIDE MY SUN CHARIOT ACROSS YOUR BACK EVERY DAY
AND NOW YOUR ASS IS GETTING CURSED
SEE, I KNOW YOU MUST BE PREGNANT
EVERYTHING IN MYTHOLOGY CAUSES PREGNANCY
SO HOW ABOUT YOU CAN’T GIVE BIRTH
ON ANY DAY OF ANY MONTH OF ANY YEAR
ENJOY PERMA-PREGNANCY, DEMI-SLUT

this is a really brutal punishment
especially considering Thoth is not the only dude Nut’s been banging
so she’s actually pregnant x5
imagine being immortal AND pregnant forever
FIVE pregnant.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND THE EXPERIENCE.

Thoth feels bad for Nut because this is kind of his fault
and also now one of his kids is trapped inside her
but what’s he gonna do?
he can’t break a curse laid down by the sun-lord himself
that would be ridiculous.
No, better to just hustle the moon
much more doable.

So Thoth goes to the moon and he’s like yo moon
I heard you liked this game called senet
it’s basically our version of snakes and ladders
wanna play?
and the moon
who is bored out of his shiny white mind up there in the night sky
is like yes of course
so they play a couple rounds
and Thoth loses like a chump
and then he’s like “Okay, okay
why don’t we make this a little more fun.
If you win the next round, I’ll give you SECRET KNOWLEDGE
because that’s all I’ve got. I’m the god of that.
And if I win, you give me an hour’s worth of moonlight.”
which is sort of like saying “If you win, I’ll share you an ebook
and if I win, you give me a pint of your blood.”
but the moon is pretty confident, and he loves ebooks, so he’s like sure
and Thoth fucking tramples him.
He wins like 40 games in a row
making sure to keep the margins narrow so the moon will keep playing
and when he’s collected FIVE FULL DAYS WORTH OF MOONLIGHT
he’s like “Alright man, it’s been real
I gotta go fuck up time now
peace”
and the moon is like “WAIT
NO
DOUBLE OR NOTHING
COME ON”

From that day on, the moon is too god damn weak to be full everyday
which is why the moon does the slow fade every four weeks now
he’s exhausted
he is missing blood
it’s a whole huge problem.

But what does Thoth do with all that blood?
he pours it into the end of the year and makes FIVE BONUS DAYS
and since these are bonus days made of moon blood and black magic
they don’t count as part of the year for the purposes of Ra’s curse
and Nut is free to have as many babies on these days as she wants
so she has one baby per day
including Isis, Osiris, and Set.
These are pretty legit babies
who will go on to cause a lot of problems.

Anyway that’s why the year has 365 days instead of a sweet 360
which just goes to show
that gambling is a great way to solve all your relationship problems

the end.

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Helen Went To Egypt and it Sucked

And to close this magnificent guest week we have the deliriously ill mythical stylings of Jesse “Fistzilla” Castaldi. Oh wait I lied this does not close the guest week there is going to be one more on Saturday.

Guess what
I bet you thought you knew allll about Helen and Paris
and that whole asshole murderfest a.k.a. the Trojan War
well UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST
this myth calls bullshit on Homer
it’s all about Egypt
and one gold thirsty pharaoh
and one gullible pharaoh
and magic hot ladies made out of clouds

so the whole Helen disaster began with Paris
when he got a little tit-dazzled by Hera and Athena and Aphrodite
and inconveniently picked Helen as his prize
and Aphrodite was like FUCK REALLY
FINE
here’s Helen
have fun with your stupid war
I’ll be back later to save your ass
but bye for now
and gullible Paris sails homeward
and that’s where we leave Homer’s version

MEANWHILE IN EGYPT
Pharoah Seti is chilling out in the royal city of Memphis
probably sitting on gold
in a gold palace
eating some gold covered food
thinking hmmm what new thing will I tax today
because let me tell you
Egypt is fucking full of gold
and do you know why
TAXES IS WHY
they tax the shit out of everything
gold gold everywhere gold
from beautiful delicious taxes

and one day a foreign ship sails up the Nile
and docks by the Shrine of Hershef
which is like home base when you play tag
except in Egypt LIFE IS TAG
are you a slave?
get your freedom at the shrine
pursued by enemies?
chill at the shrine and you’ll be protected
not really clear how Egyptian society continues to function
when this shrine is around
wouldn’t you be going there all the damn time
but knowing Egypt there is probably a tax on shrine visits
or freedom
or something

anyway the ship sails up
and the entire crew just falls the fuck over themselves fleeing into the shrine
all THIS SHIP SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSS
and the whole thing looks suspiciously like a taxable situation to Pharaoh Seti
so he commands they come to his palace and explain
because for some reason
escaping a hellish life of servitude aboard a Trojan warship
is not considered a solid excuse

so the sailors start kissing some ass pretty quick
bitching and moaning about how they don’t want to work anymore
because their captain is the ultimate bad houseguest
and while he was visiting another kingdom
he abducted the king’s wife and a bunch of treasure
but mainly he stole the chick because he wanted to be king
and they are just too moral to work for such an asshole
it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with being warship slaves
nope
and then Poseidon blew them off course on the way home
allll the way to Egypt

and then the ship’s captain is like listen
IT’S ME
PARIS
ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU SOME SHITTY LIES
he says nooooo pharaoh they’ve got it all wrong
my sailors are a bunch of tattletale babies
it’s all cool
I won Helen’s hand fairly and legally
and my delicious boatload of treasure
is also totally legit mine
and Troy and Sparta are totally bros
at peace forever and ever yay

and the sailors are like LIAR
everyone knows Helen
because she is supernaturally hot
she is a daughter of Zeus
hey Pharaoh did you know
Zeus is like your god Amon Re

and the royal court of Egyptians is like yes yes we see
we too know of Helen

this is an inspired moment
of cross-cultural ass-licking
let me tell you

and Seti is like yes yes
Paris do go on with more lies

and Paris is like well
okay yes maybe I took Helen
but she basically begged me to abduct her

but Seti is like I’m just fucking with you Paris
you are a pretty shitty liar
you’ve already told me two conflicting stories
clearly your gods hate you
and also your sailors were pretty smart
mentioning the whole shitty houseguest thing
because this is a big fucking deal here in Egypt
everyone knows only hosts get to steal from guests
except we call it taxes
why don’t you chill in my guesthouse for a bit
NO FAIR STEALING ANY TREASURE IN THERE
while I go check out Helen’s side of the story
and inspect your boat for tasty gold
also ps tell your sailors now they have to worship Hershef for life
haha home base in Egypt is not all it’s cracked up to be

so the pharaoh visits Helen
who is chilling in another shrine
the shrine of Hathor
and Helen tells her sob story
about how Paris tricked her into leaving Menelaus
and she begs the pharaoh to protect her
weeping and moaning
the whole bit
except this being Helen
she manages to weep so epically
that the ruby in her necklace
weeps tears of blood in sympathy with her divine hotness
it’s not clear whether Seti agrees to protect her
because of the hotness and the weeping gemstones
or because he knows he is going to get a boatload of gold out of this
literally
a boatload
but he agrees
Helen can stay
Paris must go
minus his gold

but Seti is not content to just kick Paris out of Egypt
he has a plan
and that plan is PRAYING
so Seti tells the high priestess of the temple of Hathor
to start praying
and BAM here comes Thoth,
personal messenger of Amon-Re

Thoth is all hey guys what’s up
it’s me Hermes
I mean Thoth
I mean same deal right
Helen your dad Zeus says hi
okay so listen up
I can help you with this bullshit
Zeus or Amon-Ra or whatever told me
to take Helen’s ka and make an eidolon
and everyone is like durrrrr what now
and Thoth is like ugh okay listen
I was kind of drunk when he told me to do this
but it totally makes sense
I’m going to take her spirit
and make a fake Helen out of clouds
and then everyone is like OHHHHH
and this ruse apparently fools Paris
because he leaves Egypt with hot fake Helen
though of course Seti takes all his gold first
death and taxes, Paris
death and taxes

and then
because it’s not enough to be so hot you are capable of making stones weep
EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT HELEN
for like twenty years
she just chills in the temple
worshipping Hathor I guess
and meanwhile Seti dies
and there are all sorts of succession issues
and twenty years later his young grandson Rameses is about to take the throne
and he knows allllll about the hotness hiding in Hathor town
and he’s like damn
who cares about gold
I am going to get me some Helen
FUCK SETI’S OATH
even though she has got to be like 40 by now
she’s just that hot apparently
Helen: original MILF?

so Rameses is like I am going to be Pharaoh soon
who will dare to stop me
and his mother the queen regent Hasert is like uh actually
how about the gods
the gods might stop you
remember how they intervened to bring her here?
or how about her husband
you know
the one who fought multiple wars in her honor?

and Rameses is all shit
I don’t want to fight a fucking war over this
I just want to bone grandma priestess Helen in peace
so he decides to hold onto his boner until his priests
can figure out whether it is the will of the gods
for him to wed Helen or not

and meanwhile who shows up at Helen’s temple
but a mysterious strange sailor
oho who could this be
IT’S MENELAUS BITCHES
because apparently Hermes finally slept off his epic hangover
and was all holy shit
I forgot about how I went to Egypt
dressed up as Thoth
and hid that mortal chick somewhere that one time
what the fuck was I thinking
also
that was
TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO
MAYBE I SHOULD TELL HER HUSBAND
so he visits Menelaus and is all
hey Menelaus
hot tip
maybe you should check out the Temple of Hathor in Memphis
no reason
tell them Hermes I mean Thoth sent you

so Menelaus is in Egypt
somehow too dumb to realize
he’s talking to his own wife
telling her how he went to war and rescued his wife
until she disappeared one day
and Helen goes THAT WAS MY EIDOLON
COULDN’T YOU TELL BY ALL THE CLOUDS IN MY VAGINA
so finally Menelaus and Helen
are all happy weeping and reuniting and shit in the temple
and Menelaus doesn’t even stop to ask
where the fuck all his gold went
THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE LOVE
but meanwhile
how the fuck are they going to escape Rameses?

Helen has a plan
she goes to Rameses all oh guess what
I guess we can get freaky now
because this mysterious sailor who showed up
has just told me that Menelaus my husband is dead
and Rameses is like sweet
let’s do this
and by this I mean
the sex
but several decades of being hottest chick in the ancient world
has given Helen some insight into how easy it is
to hoodwink dudes with boners
so she’s like okay
according to my fake new religion
you are required to give me a ship full of food
and oxen and wine and provisions
so I can sail out into the harbor to bury my husband

AND RAMESES FALLS FOR IT
and Helen and Menelaus sail off
and Rameses is pretty pissed
and just as he’s is about to kill the queen regent Hastert
in an angry rage for making him hesitate to fuck Helen in the first place
Thoth/Hermes shows up
almost late to the party as usual
and he’s like RAMESES CHILL THE FUCK OUT
AMON-RA HAS DECREED THIS IS HOW THE STORY ENDS
because apparently in Egypt
the gods occasionally believe in justice and love
and also in abrupt endings

the moral of the story is
listen to your mom
she is probably right about stuff
and gold
is a way better investment than hot chicks

the end.

Jesse doesn’t have a website because she’s too cool for the internet.

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Set Jizzes On His Enemies

Okay wow

so when last we left our egyptian retard brigade
Horus had just got born
and he and his mom Isis were hanging out in a swamp with some angry scorpions
EVERYTHING WAS AS IT SHOULD BE
anyway so Horus grows up
and Isis is like hey son
remember that asshole Set who you are destined to beat the shit out of?
and Horus is like yeah i mean
you never fucking stop talking about him
and also
HE TURNED INTO A SNAKE AND POISONED ME TO DEATH WHEN I WAS A BABY
THAT TENDS TO MAKE PEOPLE MEMORABLE TO ME WHEN THEY DO THAT
and Isis is like fuck chill out
look the point is you’ve had plenty of time to dick around
why haven’t you killed Set yet
and Horus is like FINE WHATEVER I’LL DO IT ALREADY
HEY SET I’M BOUT TO KILL YOU GET READY

so set shows up like OH NO YOU DIDN’T
and Horus is like HOLD STILL FOR A SECOND LET ME STAB YOUR FACE
and Isis is like OH FUCK WAIT
I SUDDENLY DON’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN FOR SOME REASON
MAYBE BECAUSE SET IS MY BROTHER
and Horus is like FUCK YOU MOM and tries to break her legs
but then she stabs him instead
and Set gets away
and Horus is like ok wow
seriously?
just wow
but Isis heals him later so it’s fine

wait what am i talking about
it’s not fine at all
because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how fuck over Horus
and he comes up with an AMAZING PLAN
he’s like I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem
HEY HORUS WHAT’S UP WANNA HAVE SEX?
and Horus is like well normally i would say no
but today i am an idiot so ok sure
and they have a bunch of sweaty buttsex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to AUTOPARRY ALL OF SET’S MANBATTER
he just jams his hand down and BLOCKS ALL THE FUNBUTTER
because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt
so then he’s got a handful of manana cream pie
and he’s like eww what am i going to do with this
I KNOW
I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER
and thus invents handwashing and pollution SIMULTANEOUSLY

so now HORUS is thinking about how to fuck over Set
and he’s like hm
apparently the name of the game
is “get your semen inside of the other guy’s body”
i don’t make the rules
i just jizz in dudes’ mouths
let’s make this happen
so he sneaks into set’s crib and jerks off in his salad
and then Set eats the salad and Horus is like HAHA GAYWAD YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE
is it just me or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue
anyway Set is like BULLSHIT
LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE GODS AND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY
IN HOPES OF DETERMINING SUPERIORITY

so they call together the other gods
and Set is like guys
I totally jizzed in Horus’s butt
that means i’m better than him right?
and Horus is like you didn’t jizz in my butt what are you talking about
go ahead and call for your sperm
see where they’re at
yeah apparently these dudes keep in touch with all their sperm
shit
talk about being a devoted father
anyway Set is like FINE
OHHH SPERRMMMMMMM
and the sperm is like HERE WE ARE
IN THE RIVER
and Set is like dammit Horus
did you block my cock
and Horus is like not only did I block your cock
I DEFEATED YOUR MEAT
and also?
FOOLED YOUR TOOL
and Set is like enough of that nonsense
and Horus is like hold on lemme find out where my sperm is at real quick
OHHH SPERRMMMMM
and the sperm is like HERE WE ARE
IN SET’S STOMACH
and Set is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
and everyone else is like wow
this is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest with a reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone
PERFECT

so Set and Horus get their boats ready
but Horus has a secret
which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stone
which raises a couple of questions:
first of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone
and second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
I mean maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
in which case i understand
either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
but we’re talking about the guy who ate some dude’s balls and then poisoned his baby
so i feel like honesty is not top of his priority list
but anyway they have the race and Set’s boat sinks
OBVIOUSLY
and Horus wins
and as a result he gets to be king of egypt
and Set has to be his bitch forever

so the moral of the story
is next time you are jockeying for a sweet promotion at your office
consider jizzing in your co-workers’ food
just make sure to also brush up on your boatracing skills
because you never know

the end.

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It is hard for Set to not be a douchebag

Alright so back to egypt

when last we left our heroes
set just got finished murdering Osiris
and then tearing up his body
and eating his dick
and then isis put him back together and hooray

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected or whatever
ISIS GETS PREGNANT WITH THIS DUDE HORUS
well actually that is not the bad part
because horus is a pretty cool dude honestly
no see the bad part
is that seeing as set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
just to prevent him from getting a proper burial
all signs point towards he is going to murder the shit out of this baby
especially since horus is like basically fated
to murder the shit out of set if he ever gets old enough

so isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder
but then one day set is like HEY ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL
and isis is like SPINNING MILL HOORAY
and then set is like oh did i say spinning mill
i meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER
I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION
BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IS A SPINNING MILL
DOESN’T MATTER CAUSE THIS IS A PRISON
NOT A SPINNING MILL

so isis is understandably upset about this
and in fact so is this super wise dude thoth
so he comes down and is like hey isis
how would you like to escape this prison
and isis is like i would like that a lot
so thoth is like boom
problem solved
here
have some scorpions
and isis is like WHAT THE FUCK SCORPIONS
and thoth is like chill out girl
these scorpions will guide you to safety
trust me i’m the fucking god of wisdom ok

so isis takes horus
and follows these 7 scorpions
for like A FUCKING WEEK
no one has any ideas where they are going
probably because the guides in this scenario
are goddamn SCORPIONS
SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES MY FRIEND
THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE SHIT OUT YOU
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION
anyway after like a week or whatever
isis and the scorpions and horus finally arrive in some town
and isis see’s this rich chick’s house
and she goes up to it like hey hey open up
and the rich chick is like oh why hello thereHOLY SHIT SCORPIONS
NO WAY
NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO
so once again
scorpions: THE ULTIMATE GUIDES?

but so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door
then this poor chick is like oh hey there
i see you have scorpions
i’m poor i’m not afraid to die
come crash at my hovel
so everybody goes over to the poor chick’s place
but then
PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a shit fit
about not being invited into the other house
and they are like let’s go murder her BABIES
THUS PROVING ALL OF HER DOUBTS ABOUT US
COME ON WE’RE SCORPIONS LET’S DO THIS
so they go inside and they sting the shit out of the chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like fuuuuuuuuck
i hope that is not the sound of my baby
getting stung
by SCORPIONS
that would be terrible
oh wait that is exactly what it is

so isis hears all this commotion
and she is like GOD DAMMIT SCORPIONS
YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so she runs up to where the baby is
you know
dying
and she is like hey poison inside that baby
and the poison is like SUP
and she is like get out of that baby
and the poison is like dammit fine
and then the rich chick realizes she is dealing with a fucking GODDESS
and is like aw crap
guess i better give all my money to the poor chick
and then isis leaves like ANOTHER DAY SAVED
THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS

so then eventually
she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out
and she hides horus in the mud
like ok son
i am going to bury you in marshfilth now
among poisonous animals
some of which I KNOW are irritable scorpions
so just
try not to move around too much
i’m gonna go get burgers

so later isis comes back
and she is like horus i got burgers
would you like some burgers
hey you can move slightly more than that you know
actually you don’t seem to be moving at all
or like breathing or anything
oh fuck what happened
Set did you do this
and set is like yup
straight up turned into a snake
bit your kid
what now bitch

and isis is like this is what now
and she screams the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal
it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately
THE SUNBOAT
because the sun is not just a massive ball of superhot gases
it is also a BOAT
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
and Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
maybe there is even one of those record scratch sounds
from bad teen movies
and everyone is like whaaaaaaaaat
who threw a giant gleaming boner into the middle of our festivities
thoth go find out what isis is angry about

so thoth goes down to where isis is crying her face of
like what the fuck isis what did you do that for
and isis is like look i know you are itching to get your bone on
but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick
and thoth is like oh yeah sure no problem
boom
solving ALL your problems
by the way how were those scorpions i hooked you up with
pretty sweet right
and isis is like they were a pack of angry scorpions
that you gave
to a single mother with a child

anyway then horus is not dying anymore
but he and isis still have to hide out in the marshes
until he is old enough to get his balls up and murder set

so basically the moral of the story
is that scorpions are never helpful
they will sting all the babies
and then lead you to a marsh full of snakes
get a fucking terrier or something

the end.

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Osiris gets his dick ripped off

This is the kind of shit i’m talking about

okay so Osiris right
he’s the king of the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit
with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse
but meanwhile there’s this dick Set
that is his name
Set
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
like you might purchase for an adult tea party
I am talking about the egyptian god
of the desert
storms
darkness
and chaos
basically if you are not having a good time
set is right there
flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY
what i mean is Set’s a dick

the reason i mention set
is he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
and he is like I KNOW
IF I KILL OSIRIS EVERYONE WILL ELECT ME KING FOR SOME REASON
BOOYAH
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailormade for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like HEY GUYS COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY
and all the gods are like oh shit weird coffin party
we’ll be right over
so they all get there and Set is like alright i made this coffin
whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy

my friends
this is how child molesters work
this is what they do except with vans instead of coffins

anyway all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea
so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin
and they all fail
but then it’s Osiris’s turn
and Osiris is like i dunno guys this seems like a transparent ruse
and everyone is like come on don’t be a pussy
so osiris gets in the coffin
and then it slams shut and locks
and set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river
and everyone is like what the fuck set
what the fuck did you just do
and set is like can i be king now

so naturally Osiris’ wife Isis decides to go find him
so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned
and she finds out
that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos
(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)
and got absorbed by an oak tree
which got cut down
and used to build a support pillar
in a palace
for the king of Byblos
shit

so Isis shows up in Byblos like sup
is the queen around
and the queen is like whats up
and Isis is like my husband is embedded in your palace
may i please extract him
and the queen is like sure go ahead
it’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything
and isis is like haha sucker
and she goes to the pillar where the coffin is
and she removes it
WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
thus inventing jenga

except then
instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace
Isis takes out Osiris’s body
and drags it back to egypt
and buries it in the desert
so he can finally rest in peace
except i guess she forgets
that set is the GOD OF THE FUCKING DESERT
so he very quickly sniffs out Osiris
and is like hm i haven’t fucked with this guy enough
how about I tear this guy into 14 pieces
and EAT HIS DICK
so that is what he does
and he chucks the other 13 pieces all the fuck everywhere
and then Isis is like what is that noise
it better not be my husband getting ripped
well unless by ripped you mean super muscley
i wouldn’t mind that
except it would be weird if his corpse just suddenly grew pecs
so actually i take that back
i don’t want Osiris to get ripped in any sense of the word

BUT IT IS TOO LATE
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
IN THE VIOLENT WAY
NOT THE MUSCLES WAY
and Isis finds out and she is like fuck seriously
better go find all these body parts and bury them again
ignoring the fact that set will prolly just find them again
and rip them into SMALLER pieces
anyway she manages to find all the pieces
(which have turned into full moons by the way)
except for his dick
which like i said
SET ATE
or maybe a fish ate it
the myth is not clear but i prefer to think set did it

so isis is like shit
Osiris’s dick was like
the most important part of his personality
so what she does
is she makes a GOLD COCK
and she hangs it around her neck
and BAM
Osiris is alive again
I guess with a gold funpole?
guys i feel that this has happened somewhere before
anyway then Isis gets pregnant for some reason
and pops out Horus
i guess from wearing that cock around her neck

so ladies
i guess the moral of the story is
don’t wear a cock around your neck
because unwanted pregnancy
is the WORST accessory

The end.

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Egyptians are pretty weird

Damn it’s about time

so there is this dude Atum
(now to be fair
there are a ton of different versions of this story
or maybe just like 2
and the dude is named a different thing
depending on who you ask
but this version is by far the sweetest
so I am using it)
actually this dude does not exist
at least not at the beginning of the story
all there is is this shitty infinite water
called Nu
but then Atum
who – remember – doesn’t exist
is like this sucks
how about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER
so he does that

so then Atum is standing around
except actually he is not standing
there is no place to stand
so Atum is like fuck this
there is an acute hill shortage here
time to rectify that shit
so he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES

so obviously Atum gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is
in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE
is a hill and some water
so he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes
to literally will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like COME ON GUYS
SOOOOOOO LAZY
fuck
fine I’ll make my own friends

but there is a problem
because apprently although Atum can make hills
and HIMSELF
he can’t make people
sexual reproduction is suddenly ruining everything
as usual
but Atum does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead
and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT HIS MOUTH
yes guys
this is what happened
if egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
depending on whether you are a boy or a girl?
see Atum has two kids
the phlegmkid is this dude Shu
god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you
but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing i guess

anyway Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored
than even their omnipotent father could have imagined
so they are sitting around and they are like hey
let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost
so they do
somewhere in the shitty clusterfuck oceanstravaganza
that is everything everywhere forever
kind of like seaworld
but except seaworld is everything everywhere
and there is no shamu
and there is no amusement park
or hotdogs or whatever
it is just actually the water part of seaworld
and there are only three people there
and two of them are spit and vomit
and also lost
actually that last part is a lot like seaworld

so Atum is like god dammit guys
I fucked my own SHADOW so i wouldn’t be lonely
but lookie here
more tomfoolery
so what he does is he takes out his one eye
by the way he only has one eye
and he is like hey eye
go find my kids
so it does
and it brings them back to Atum
and atum starts crying
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all

what is important is that those tears hit the hill Atum made
and they turn into people
guys we are made of sadness
this is definitive proof
anyway then Shu and Tefnut start having kids somehow
maybe they fuck each other
it’s not like there’s any shortage of incest everywhere all the time
they pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
those are extremely large babies no lie

anyway later Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff

so basically what it all comes down to
is we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow
i’m gonna go cry now
i hope it doesn’t turn it into babies.

the end.

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