It is hard for Set to not be a douchebag

Alright so back to egypt

when last we left our heroes
set just got finished murdering Osiris
and then tearing up his body
and eating his dick
and then isis put him back together and hooray

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected or whatever
ISIS GETS PREGNANT WITH THIS DUDE HORUS
well actually that is not the bad part
because horus is a pretty cool dude honestly
no see the bad part
is that seeing as set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
just to prevent him from getting a proper burial
all signs point towards he is going to murder the shit out of this baby
especially since horus is like basically fated
to murder the shit out of set if he ever gets old enough

so isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder
but then one day set is like HEY ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL
and isis is like SPINNING MILL HOORAY
and then set is like oh did i say spinning mill
i meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER
I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION
BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IS A SPINNING MILL
DOESN’T MATTER CAUSE THIS IS A PRISON
NOT A SPINNING MILL

so isis is understandably upset about this
and in fact so is this super wise dude thoth
so he comes down and is like hey isis
how would you like to escape this prison
and isis is like i would like that a lot
so thoth is like boom
problem solved
here
have some scorpions
and isis is like WHAT THE FUCK SCORPIONS
and thoth is like chill out girl
these scorpions will guide you to safety
trust me i’m the fucking god of wisdom ok

so isis takes horus
and follows these 7 scorpions
for like A FUCKING WEEK
no one has any ideas where they are going
probably because the guides in this scenario
are goddamn SCORPIONS
SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES MY FRIEND
THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE SHIT OUT YOU
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION
anyway after like a week or whatever
isis and the scorpions and horus finally arrive in some town
and isis see’s this rich chick’s house
and she goes up to it like hey hey open up
and the rich chick is like oh why hello thereHOLY SHIT SCORPIONS
NO WAY
NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NO
so once again
scorpions: THE ULTIMATE GUIDES?

but so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door
then this poor chick is like oh hey there
i see you have scorpions
i’m poor i’m not afraid to die
come crash at my hovel
so everybody goes over to the poor chick’s place
but then
PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a shit fit
about not being invited into the other house
and they are like let’s go murder her BABIES
THUS PROVING ALL OF HER DOUBTS ABOUT US
COME ON WE’RE SCORPIONS LET’S DO THIS
so they go inside and they sting the shit out of the chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like fuuuuuuuuck
i hope that is not the sound of my baby
getting stung
by SCORPIONS
that would be terrible
oh wait that is exactly what it is

so isis hears all this commotion
and she is like GOD DAMMIT SCORPIONS
YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS
so she runs up to where the baby is
you know
dying
and she is like hey poison inside that baby
and the poison is like SUP
and she is like get out of that baby
and the poison is like dammit fine
and then the rich chick realizes she is dealing with a fucking GODDESS
and is like aw crap
guess i better give all my money to the poor chick
and then isis leaves like ANOTHER DAY SAVED
THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS

so then eventually
she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out
and she hides horus in the mud
like ok son
i am going to bury you in marshfilth now
among poisonous animals
some of which I KNOW are irritable scorpions
so just
try not to move around too much
i’m gonna go get burgers

so later isis comes back
and she is like horus i got burgers
would you like some burgers
hey you can move slightly more than that you know
actually you don’t seem to be moving at all
or like breathing or anything
oh fuck what happened
Set did you do this
and set is like yup
straight up turned into a snake
bit your kid
what now bitch

and isis is like this is what now
and she screams the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal
it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately
THE SUNBOAT
because the sun is not just a massive ball of superhot gases
it is also a BOAT
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH
and Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
maybe there is even one of those record scratch sounds
from bad teen movies
and everyone is like whaaaaaaaaat
who threw a giant gleaming boner into the middle of our festivities
thoth go find out what isis is angry about

so thoth goes down to where isis is crying her face of
like what the fuck isis what did you do that for
and isis is like look i know you are itching to get your bone on
but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick
and thoth is like oh yeah sure no problem
boom
solving ALL your problems
by the way how were those scorpions i hooked you up with
pretty sweet right
and isis is like they were a pack of angry scorpions
that you gave
to a single mother with a child

anyway then horus is not dying anymore
but he and isis still have to hide out in the marshes
until he is old enough to get his balls up and murder set

so basically the moral of the story
is that scorpions are never helpful
they will sting all the babies
and then lead you to a marsh full of snakes
get a fucking terrier or something

the end.

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6 thoughts on “It is hard for Set to not be a douchebag

  1. Pingback: Set Doesn’t Know When to Quit, and Neither Does His Ass | Myths RETOLD

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