It’s Still Bestiality if it’s With a Monkey

So someone told me to do this Indonesian myth
and I figured after all that tolkien and videogame shit
y’all could use some culture
so sit and listen
as I tell you the tale
OF THE DUMBEST EVIL SISTER EVER

So there’s this king named Prabu Tapak Agung
and that’s the last time i’m ever typing that name
because now he’s dead
and he made one of his daughters president
but here’s the problem
he made his YOUNGEST daughter president
(her name is Purba Sari)
and her big sister Purba Rarang is like AW HELL NAW
so she runs to her hot evil fiancee Indrajaya
like WAAA WHAT DO I DO
and he’s like don’t even worry
this is why we have witches
and Purba Rarang is like oh yeah

so she finds a witch to give Purba Sari a skin disease
and then runs around the kingdom like EVERYBODY LOOK
PURBA SARI IS UGLY NOW AND IT MEANS SHE DID A SIN
LET’S EXILE HER!!!!1111!!11

God dammit, Purba Rarang
how do you expect that awful fucking lie to work?
I mean you live in a world where magic exists and God is real and stuff
but you know what else causes horrible skin diseases besides God?
FUCKING WITCHES
WHY IS ANYONE GOING TO BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAY GOD DID IT?
THAT’S NOT EVEN GOD’S STYLE
HE’D PROBABLY GIVE HER TEN DIFFERENT PLAGUES UNTIL SHE DIED
AND THEN RAISE HER FROM THE DEAD BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH PLAGUES YET

but wow
everyone else in this story is even stupider than Purba Rarang
so Purba Sari DOES get exiled
to a little cottage that the military builds for her in the forest
and she chills out there for several years
until a monkey called Lutung Kasarung brings her some magic water
that makes her skin disease go away
(he found it by meditating
he’s a pretty rad monkey)

so now that she’s not ugly
there’s no reason for Purba Sari to be exiled
so she goes back to the kingdom like sup
and her sister is like WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS
WHY AREN’T YOU UGLY
GO AWAY
and Purba Sari is like NUP
and Purba Rarang is like OK
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL:
WHOEVER’S HAIR IS LONGEST WINS
READY, SET, MEASURE HAIR

WHAT
dude, your sister has been living in the woods for YEARS
FAR FAR AWAY from any type of hair-cuttery
she is DEFINITELY going to win
and guess what
SHE TOTALLY DOES
and Purba Rarang is like uhh
uhh
ok new duel
whoever’s fiancee is the hottest wins
ready, set, HOT FIANCEES

so Purba Rarang is pretty set in this contest
because Indrajaya is pretty hot
plus Purba Sari doesn’t even HAVE a fiancee
but Purba Sari must not have a very high opinion of Indrajaya’s looks
or herself
because she immediately appoints Lutung Kasarung as her fiancee
YES
THE MONKEY

and Purba Rarang is like seriously?
You are going to lose to me
AND marry a monkey in the process?
Holy shit, you suck
but then Lutung Kasarung tells her to go fuck herself
by straight up TURNING INTO A HOT DUDE
WAY HOTTER THAN INDRAJAYA
and Indrajaya gets all embarrassed and runs off
and Purba Rarang is like dang
I guess you’re better than me
go ahead and be queen now, see if I care.

BUT WHY WAS THERE A HOT DUDE IN THAT MONKEY?
I’ll tell you why
Lutung Kasarung was actually a prince
who got turned into a monkey by the gods for being a dick
and at the crucial moment
when he became Purba Sari’s fiancee
he prayed to the gods like Ok guys
I know I have done some bad stuff
like murder and larceny or whatever
but this chick is totally smokin hot
(now that her skin disease is cleared up)
please don’t block my cock
AND THE GODS HEARD HIS PRAYERS

So the moral of the story
is fuck justice
get bitches.

The end.

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Timun Mas Does Not Know What Food is For

So continuing with last Saturday’s theme of giants stealing children
here’s a story about love, loss, and culinary ineptitude
it comes from indonesia,
(and therefore this website)
which someone told me gives it hipster cred

So there’s this childless couple
they really want kids
which seems to be the problem with most childless couples
at least according to all these stories
seriously
why can’t people in folklore just chill out and focus on their careers?
anyway one day a giant shows up
and is like guys
I have heard you crying about your baby problems
and I have here a baby solution
no I am NOT talking about my semen for once
I am actually talking about this bag of CUCUMBER SEEDS
HOORAY, CUCUMBER SEEDS

so he leaves the seeds with them
without any explanation
and since there’s no instruction manual or anything
the couple decides to plant the seeds and see what happens
what happens is this:
a cucumber plant grows
but not just any cucumber plant
a GOLDEN cucumber plant
with a GOLDEN veggie-wang dangling right off it
and it gets pretty big
and these people are both sort of unsure what to do with it
when it pops open and a BABY comes out of it
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH FUCK POD PEOPLE

but instead of killing the baby with fire before it can fully develop and supplant the populace
they decide to raise it as their own
and it becomes a she
and she is named Timun Mas
which means something like Cucumber Face
which is not a nice thing to name your baby.

Anyway all goes well for seventeen years
Cucumber Face is getting way hotter than her name would imply
and she is getting ready to start pulling more wang than a rickshaw driver in downtown Hong Kong
when all of a sudden that fucking giant comes back
like HAHA THOSE SEEDS WERE A LOAN AND I’VE COME TO COLLECT
and Timun’s parents are all like SHIT SHIT SHIT
QUICK, CUCUMBER FACE
RUN AWAY
TO ASSIST YOUR ESCAPE, HERE IS A BAG OF CONDIMENTS!

Seriously
their master plan is to give her a sack which contains salt
chili powder
cucumber seeds
and shrimp paste
and instead of using these things to cook the giant a spicy people stew
Timun wisely runs away before shit can get any stupider
so she’s running
and the giant is chasing her
and this bag of useless shit is getting pretty heavy
so she chucks all the salt at the giant
because salt is cheap
and the salt TURNS INTO AN OCEAN
holy balls
where did Timun’s parents get this shit
ocean-causing salt has all kinds of really terrifying military applications.
so she keeps running
and the giant swims across the sea and keeps chasing
so she throws the chili powder at him
and it turns into TREES
which does not even make the minimum amount of sense required for a fairytale
so the giant just ignores them
which forces her to chuck all the cucumber seeds
which turn into
…wait for it…
CUCUMBERS
which the giant eats
and then he gets sleepy and passes out

but wait
didn’t we already establish that cucumbers are where babies come from?
so Timun just saved her own life
at the cost of like A THOUSAND BABIES?
GREAT JOB CUCUMBER-FACE
GREAT JOB BEING THE JOSEPH STALIN OF AGRICULTURE

but the problem with naps is that eventually you wake up
so the giant gets up and KEEPS CHASING
and all Timun has left is that shrimp paste
so she throws it
and it turns into a swamp
and the giant drowns, the end

so the moral of the story
is that if you are running from some kind of loan-sharking goliath
and you need to lighten your load
throw away your grossest posession FIRST
because it is probably also the most magical
and also who the fuck wants to carry shrimp paste around?

the end.

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