The Cows Keep Comin’

So there’s this cat Aegeus

he’s not really a cat
he’s a dude
but what he is
is impotent
but see they do not have cock doctors in Athens
which he is the king of
so he just keeps marrying different chicks
and testing their wombs
to see if he can grow kids in them
finally he gets fed up
and goes to the oracle at delphi
who is not a qualified physician at all
and so just makes up some bullshit riddle Aegeus doesnt get
so he goes and sees his smarter friend Pittheus
who is the king of this place Troezen
and is like hey dude
what does this riddle mean
and Pittheus is like haha oh man i totally get it
but how about instead of telling you the answer
i let you sleep with my hot daughter Aethra
and Aegeus is like can it be both
and Pittheus is like nope
and Aegeus is like SEX AHOY
so he goes on a boner bender with the king’s daughter
all
night
long
but see what he doesnt know is that Poseidon
is also fucking her
AT THE SAME TIME
IN THE SAME BED
not only is poseidon the god of the sea
and the god of the land
and the god of earthquakes and cows
he is also the god of STEALTH SEX
some people call that rape
i call those people closed-minded
anyway Aethra gets pregnant
probably because she is getting bonked by a GOD
and not just by some impotent king
and so before he leaves, Augeus takes a sword
and he takes his sandals
and he puts them under this reeeeeeally heavy rock
and is like ok
when my kid is strong enough to lift that rock
he can come find me in my kingdom
and have him bring the sword and the sandals so i know who he is
probably i will not recognize him
because i do not intend to be a good father
AT ALL
so Aethra has a son
his name is Theseus
and Theseus is really anxious to move this rock
and go adventuring
maybe he just wants to stab his asshole deserting father
i mean who does that
who goes through all that effort to have a kid
like to the point
of consulting an ORACLE
and then hides all the family heirlooms under a heavy rock
and leaves
anyway theseus is like 16 at the point
and his muscles are way too scrawny to lift this rock
so instead of waiting
or like
getting stronger
he just builds a pulley system
and uses that to move the rock
pretty crafty
so Theseus sets out to walk to Athens
the main problem with this
is that for some reason
every thug in the entire goddamn universe
has decided to camp out on this road
so the first dude theseus runs into
is called Periphetes
his gimmick
is he has a club
and he kills people with it
theseus cleverly gives him a taste of his own medicine
by beating him to death and taking his club
the next dude Sinis is a little more clever
he ties dudes to two trees that he has bent over
and then he lets go of the trees
and tears the dudes in half
what theseus does here is really inspired
see he takes Sinis
and he ties him to two trees that he has bent over
and then he lets go of the trees
and tears sinis in half
after that he kills some fucking wild boar
that just happens to fuck with him
and then he comes upon
the cleverest motherfucker yet
this dude is named Sciron
and what he does
is he hangs out by some cliffs
and when people come by he is like hey wash my feet
and when they are like durrr ok
he kicks them into the sea
and then they get eaten by turtles
now Theseus knows that this guy is not to be trifled with
he’s got to think of something really special
in order to outsmart him
so what he does
is he kicks Sciron into the sea so he gets eaten by turtles
at this point shit is starting to get a little predictable
but then Theseus mixes shit up
by just picking up this dude Cercyon
and crushing him with his bare hands
no bullshit
just raw manliness
then the next guy is the ultimate sonofabitch
his name is Procrustes
Pro
crust
eeeeeeees
his name sounds like something where
if you woke up and found it growing on your dick
you would call the CDC
but that is not even the worst thing about him
because what he does
is he offers people a place to say for the night
and he has a bed
and it is a really weird sized bed
which sucks
because if you are too big to fit in the bed
he chops off your limbs until you fit
and if you are too small
he stretches you
so what does Theseus do to this guy?
Does he, by any chance, put him on his own bed
and then chop off his limbs until he fits in the bed?
NO ASSHOLE
BECAUSE PROCRUSTES IS TOO SMALL FOR THE BED
SO THESEUS STRETCHES HIM
UNTIL HE DIES
you know some people call these punishments “ironic”
this is not irony guys
this is lack of originality
is what this is
but no one besides me seems to care about that
because by the time Theseus gets to Athens
he is extremely famous
so famous
that Aegeus is really suspicious
that Theseus is gonna try and take his throne
i mean remember
he has never seen this kid before
he doesn’t know who he is at ALL
so he is like alright smart guy
if you’re so great
how about you kill this cow that hercules left wandering around
all over our countryside
killing the men
deflowering the women
so theseus is like yeah no problem
goes out
kills the cow
and is like alright what next
and the king is so fucking thick
he still does not realize this is his kid
although actually it probably isn’t
it’s probably poseidon’s kid
but anyway
his wife medea DOES realize what’s going on
but she doesnt want Theseus to be the prince
cause she wants HER son to be the prince
so she is like hey hey Aegeus
you know what you should do
poison this guy
even though he has done nothing but good for your kingdom
and Aegeus is like sure why not
so he puts some poison in some wine
and is like hey Theseus wanna die
and theseus is like did i mention I’m your son
here check out this sword i found under a rock
and Aegeus is like OH SNAP
and then he turns to his wife like
BITCH GET OUT OF MY KINGDOM
so all is well for a bit
but then there’s a problem
see one of the lame things about athens
is that it is completely pussywhipped by crete
so every nine years
Athens fills up a boat
with seven men and seven women
and sends them over to crete
so king Minos can feed them all to his horrible cowson
the minotaur
oh also you might remember this from before
but the cow Theseus had to kill?
that came from Crete too
in fact that was the minotaur’s dad
Crete is all about cows for some reason
so anyway it comes time for athens to do this again
and theseus is like hold up
dad
i am suicidally reckless
how about you send me over on the boat
instead of one of the other dudes
and his dad is like
well i AM a shitty father
go for it son
so the doomboat sails over to Crete
and everybody gets off to go get sacrificed
but as soon as theseus gets off the boat
this chick Ariadne
who happens to be Minos’ daughter
sees him and is like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
I WANNA BITE OFF A PIECE OF THAT
AND CHEW IT FOR DAAAAAAAAYS
so she sneaks up to him
and is like hey
take this sword and this string
hopefully they will make you live
and then we can fuck later
and theseus is like holy shit
my day just went from awful to amazing
and it is all because of you and your tits
so he goes into the maze where the minotaur lives
ahem excuse me labyrinth
and he leaves a trail of string behind him
so he will know how to get out
because the right hand rule has not been invented yet
and he goes right to the middle of the maze
ahem LABYRINTH
and sees the minotaur sleeping there
and just straight up stabs it in the head
before it even has a chance to react
and then he flees the labyrinth
along with the 13 other people
see actually this raises a question
which is how does a half-man-half-cow
100% maneating BEAST
survive on 14 people EVERY NINE YEARS
but i guess it’s not really that important
cause the minotaur is dead anyway
so then Theseus flees Crete with Ariadne
and they go honeymoon on this island Naxos
where Dionysus sees Ariadne and is like
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
and steals her
which i think is really just code for
she was an alcoholic
and passed out in a ditch
and theseus abandoned her
so he’s on the ship with the other survivors
heading back to Athens
but he makes a crucial mistake
which is he forgets that before he left
he promised his dad
that if they were coming back alive
he would change the ship’s black flag to a white one
no matter that the ship is clearly sailing back
and sailing back requires a crew
Aegeus sees the black flag and is so retardedly depressed
he throws himself off a cliff into the sea and dies
maybe he even gets eaten by turtles
but actually
this turns out to be a pretty amazing political move
on everybody’s part
because Theseus becomes king
and Aegeus gets the whole sea he threw himself into
named after him
but just because Theseus is king
does not mean he is gonna stop going on adventures
fuck no
he sails to the kingdom of the amazons
and is like hey hippolyta
wanna get married
and hippolyta is like well i mean
it’s definitely against everything i stand for
as queen of the amazons
but ok
so they get married
and have a son
Hippolytus
what do i keep saying
Theseus is not a creative guy
anyway shortly after that
theseus is like PSYCHE
i am leaving you hippolyta
because i am suddenly more attracted
to minos’ other daughter Phaedra
gonna divorce you
get married to Phaedra instead
so on the day of the wedding
Hippolyta just kind of wanders into the ceremony
and kills herself
totally buzzkilling the party
then after that
Phaedra falls in love with hippolytus
who does not want anything to do with her cooch
so she gets all pissy
and tells Theseus his son tried to seduce her
and theseus gets double pissed
and tells poseidon to kill his son
so poseidon sends a cow
big surprise
to scare the shit out of hippolytus’ horses
and make him crash
but its ok because theseus totally apologizes to his son
as he watches him dying
then he starts looking for a new wife
he picks the perfect woman
helen of troy
only problem:
Helen is ten years old
but it’s okay
this is greece
pedophilia is in
so Theseus gets his friend Perithoos
and is like dude
help me kidnap ten-year-old helen
and then i will help you kidnap a chick
OF YOUR CHOICE
and Perithoos is like damn ok
so they kidnap helen
and then perithoos is like alright i want persephone
and theseus is like fuck seriously
and perithoos is like well i mean i can always take helen back home
and theseus is like shit fine
so they go down to hades
and hades surprises them
by actually being a good host
and inviting them in
like hey guys whats up
sit down in these incredibly comfy chairs
while i get some pomegranates for you
oh by the way i have no intention of giving you persephone
and actually those chairs you are sitting in
are made of rohypnol or something
they will sap your memory and you wont be able to get up
ever
dont fuck with my wife assholes
so shit is pretty miserable for theseus and his friend
until hercules comes down to the underworld to get cerberus
and is like oh hey Theseus
i was wondering where you were
hey nice job killing that bull i let run wild in your kingdom
and theseus is like FLUB BLUB BLUB BLOP
because he cant talk because of the roofie chair
and hercules is like oh dude let me just smash that for you
so he does
and then they totally forget about theseus’ friend
and theseus goes back up to the regular world
but all is not well
cause while he was gone
everyone got pissed about how he kidnapped Helen
and they sent her home
and then someone else took over the kingdom
so now he has to flee
and he runs to the kingdom of this prick Lycomedes
who is like sure theseus
you can definitely stay here
as long as you dont mind me shoving you over the edge of a cliff when you’re not expecting it
those athenian cliffs man
they’re brutal
so that’s how theseus dies
getting pranked the same way he pranked Sciron
and the same way his dad died
so i guess the moral is
don’t live near cliffs

The end

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8 thoughts on “The Cows Keep Comin’

  1. So… turns out a labyrinth is a maze, but with only one possible path. So, if Theseus is going to get lost, it must be a maze. Nice one.

    Also, the sails were to show that Theseus was alive. The ship would have come back anyway. Some stories say that the "leaving the sails black" thing was caused by Theseus leaving Ariadne on Naxos, because, when Dionysus swung by, she went with him if he made Theseus forget to switch the sails. Others say Theseus was just thick.

    Great retelling. This site is going to eat up my time for a few days now. :D

  2. Regarding the "14 teenagers every 10 years" Minotaur Weight Loss Plan, remember that Crete used to RUN the Aegean back in the day. Athens wasn't the only podunk town forced to cough up a boatload of teen flesh or lose Most Favored Mythic City status.
    As I'm pretty sure you knew.

    Pappenheimer

  3. The Minoans, who lived on Crete before the Mycenaeans or the Greeks, worshipped cows.

    I have no proof of this, but I'd be willing to bet that the whole cow sex thing was thought up by the Mycenaeans to give them an excuse to invade and trash the place.

    Just like the 'labyrinth' actually refers to Minoan palace bureaucracy.

    BTW I discovered this site a couple of weeks ago and I am now totally addicted. NICE JOB.

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