Cipactli

Scimitar Fawkes brings you this little gem
straight out of AZTECLAND
which is not a real place anymore
because it got blown up by progress
progress and diseases
but anyway yeah it’s about where the world comes from

so I know what you’re thinking
BUT OVID WE ALREADY HEARD THE AZTEC CREATION MYTH LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO
first of all
none of you were alive a million years ago
second of all
that was the MAYAN creation myth so shut up
and third of all
this is basically like the PREQUEL to that creation myth
so it’s like the creation myth
OF THE CREATION MYTH
OOHHHHH SHITTTTT

so basically there’s this raging bisexual god called Ometecuhtli/Omecihuatl
which i am looking forward to never typing again ever in my whole life
and what he/she does
is fuck the shit out of him/herself
and have four godbabies
one for each of the cardinal directions
Their names are really long and full of consonants
as you might expect
so the only one I’m gonna bother to name is Tezcatlipoca
LORD OF THE NIGHT SKY
because (SPOILER ALERT) he gets dismembered later
But so the gods get created
and they immediately start doing the one thing gods are good at
which is creating things
but see here’s the problem:
one of the things they create is a limitless world crocodile called Cipactli
with mouths at every single joint of its motherfucking body
and this is basically the worst possible thing to have around
when you are trying to create other things
especially when you haven’t actually made a place to put any of the stuff you made
so it all just falls into the ocean
where it is immediately devoured by A MILLION ANGRY CROCODILE MOUTHS
and I mean
I think we can all agree that this is pretty sweet
but like most totally sweet things
it is also EXTREMELY INEFFICIENT
so finally all the gods are just like fuck this
we’re tearing this motherfucker UP
and luckily they are all already situated at the cardinal directions
so they each just grab a corner of this gatorbeast and START PULLIN’
but guys
I think you may recall
that this gatorbeast is MADE OF MOUTHS
and Tezcatlipoca’s foot ends up inside of one of those
and then it gets eaten
and Tezcatlipoca is like ow fuck
but it’s okay because then they rip that gator to shreds
and turn it into the world
yep
turns out the world is made up of balled up hateful crocodile mouths
which makes sense you see
because according to this myth
that is why the earth CONSTANTLY HUNGERS FOR BLOOD AND HEARTS
I didn’t know that was a thing the earth did
but now that I know about the whole crocodile thing
I guess I can’t see it any other way

so then after that comes the part we already heard about
with the numerous worlds getting blown up and shit
and then after that a lot of other stuff happens
like dudes show up with fire and corn and other nonsense
and then finally they get bored and they make the sun
which is yet another huge mass of dangerous stuff
and it is so dangerous
that the only way to jump-start it
is for all the gods to MURDER THEMSELVES AND THROW THEIR BODIES INTO IT
so yeah
all the gods are dead
they got eaten by a pissed off sun
and guess what else, guys
it looks like the sun ALSO hungers insatiably for blood and hearts
so uh
I hope you guys brought blood and hearts?

so the moral of the story
is if your whole world is made of furious crocodiles and the sun is a vampire
maybe you need a new religion

THE END

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7 thoughts on “Cipactli

  1. Oh dude, you need to do a more detail intensive version of the Four Suns myth. It’s amazing. What other creation stories involve a flying snake bitchslapping the sun out of the sky from sheer jealousy?

  2. The real moral is stay the fuck away from Aztecs, because they’ll take your blood and your heart through the process of unlimited stabbing.

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