Cuchulainn: ULTIMATE HUSBAND

Hey guys
sorry I didn’t post a myth yesterday
I was sick
i am still sick, but fuck it

okay so this story was also told to me by Joshua Safford
but by the time he told it to me i was pretty drunk
so I don’t remember what anyone is called
except Cuchulainn
who is the only one who matters anyway

okay so in Ireland
or wherever these stories happen
they have this weird awful tradition
where they throw rocks at birds
and then if they knock down the birds
they put them on women they like
2 birds per women
and Cuchulainn is great at throwing rocks
so as our story opens
he has just winged SIX BIRDS
did somebody say FOURSOME?

well yes
somebody did
and that somebody was cuchulainn
but actually there is a little bit of a logistical problem
because Cuchulainn did not go out mauling birds by himself
he brought ladies with him
FOUR ladies
and one of those ladies
is his WIFE
so Cuchulainn has to make a tricky decision
but he’s a tricky guy
so what he does
is he gives two birds to each lady
EXCEPT HIS WIFE
and then he’s like “hey honey
are you jealous that i didn’t put any dead birds on you?”
and his wife is like “No Cuchulainn
because those birds are only tokens of your affection
and I already have your affection
because we’re married and shit
plus i don’t really want dead birds all over me”

but then RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT
two birds fly by
tied together with a silver chain
and Cuchulainn is like DON’T WORRY HONEY
I WILL GET YOU SOME DEAD BIRDS
and his wife is like “No dude
i said it was cool
plus those birds are chained together
there is clearly some magical shit going on
don’t throw rocks at those birds”
but Cuchulainn is already throwing rocks
because throwing rocks is what he DO
he misses once
and he misses twice
and his wife is like “DUDE
SERIOUSLY
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA.”
but then he throws the third time and he snaps the chain
and the birds freak out and break their necks on the ground
and Cuchulainn is like here honey
put these on your body
then he passes out on the ground and starts tripping balls
because
let me reiterate
MAGIC BIRDS
BAD IDEA

So Cuchulainn is leaving no ball un-tripped there on the banks of the river
he is hallucinating these crazy water nymphs
beating him with gold chains
and meanwhile all the hot ladies he brought to the beach with him
all have to drag him back to the castle
what castle, you ask?
fuck, does it matter?
you know europe
fucking castles coming out of other castles
just trust me, there was one nearby
and they get there
and the king is like “Oh shit
this looks like a magical river curse.
only one cure for those:
take him back to the magical river”
and the resident wise woman is like “dude
no
bad idea”
but nobody asked her
so they drag Cuchulainn right back to the river

meanwhile, Cuchulainn is still tripping more balls than that burglar from Home Alone
and all the nymphs who are hitting him with chains are like dude
the wife of the sea-god really needs some loving
you should get on that
she’s totally askin for it
and Cuchulainn is like “LADIES
I AM A MARRIED MAN”
and the nymphs are like “Okay look
the sea god is out of town a lot on business
because of tides and whatnot
and his wife is just looking for a little something on the side
and we are authorized to hook you up”
and Cuchulainn is like “TELL MY WIFE I AM BUSY.”

So then I guess he wakes up from his coma
and starts fucking this sea goddess
and nobody knows about this
except his wife, obviously
because he keeps coming home damp and smelling of sea-pussy
so one night she follows him down to the river
and sees him boning this chick
and she’s like “DUDE
YOU GAVE ME DEAD BIRDS
I THOUGHT YOU CARED MORE THAN THIS”
and Cuchulainn is like “uh … my bad?”
and the sea goddess is like “look lemme just use him for one more minute”
and then the sea god is like “WHAT THE FUCK IRENE
SERIOUSLY?
AGAIN?”
(irene is the name i just made up for the sea goddess)
and his wife is like “Uh … my bad?”
and the sea god is like “FUCK THIS
AMNESIA WAVE”
and he hits them with a big ol’ wave
and it wipes out Cuchulainn’s memory of all his illicit sexytimes with the sea goddess
and vice versa
in fact the only person who doesn’t get her memory wiped
is Cuchulainn’s wife
which sorta blows
because she can’t very well punish Cuchulainn for something he doesn’t remember
so instead she’s just like insanely bitter
forever

So the moral of the story
is if you ever get caught cheating
just hit yourself in the head with a shovel
did somebody say GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD?

The end.

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3 thoughts on “Cuchulainn: ULTIMATE HUSBAND

  1. Pingback: ultimate husband | Husband

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