Cupid and Psyche are both pretty incompetent

Hey first off
does anyone want to put in the menial labor necessary
to link together all these myths
and put tags on them
because I’m doing it
but I’m doing it slower than i’m writing new myths
and i’m lazy/don’t have infinite time

Oh look a greek myth

so there’s this chick Psyche right
and before you ask
no this is not where the term psyche comes from
because this story has nothing to do with brains
it has to do with boning and death
so i guess this is just one of those things
where it’s a cognate
but it’s false
what’s the word for that?
oh yeah
BULLSHIT

anyway Psyche may not be the smartest pea in the brainpod
or she may be
myth does not say one way or the other
but either way
she is HOTTER THAN TABASCO FLAVORED LAVA
DIPPED IN SUPERMODELS
she has two sisters
but no one gives a shit about them
because THEY
are not nearly as hot
and hotness is the only metric by which any woman CAN EVER BE JUDGED

now i am not just blowing smoke up your ass
when i say Psyche was the hottest thing ever to wear a toga
she is so hot
everyone is like
guys i know we’ve been worshipping venus for like YEARS now
but this chick is WAYYYY hotter
PLUS
THIS CHICK MIGHT ACTUALLY DO US

so obviously Venus gets wind of this and she is like OH NO SHE DIDNT
HEY CUPID
GO MAKE THIS CHICK FALL IN LOVE WITH A MONSTER
and cupid is like sure mom no problem
but then he actually SEE psyche
and he pops a boner SO HARD
it knocks the arrow right out of his bow
and into his face
causing him to fall instantly in love with Psyche
although this step was probably unnecessary
considering how she is HOTTER THAN HABANERO PEPPERS MARINATED IN THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH AND SERVED WITH A CREAMY TITS GARNISH

so years go by
and cupid is a total limp dick
and does nothing about it
other than refuse to make ANY OTHER DUDES fall in love with her apparently
seeing as no one tries to so much as hit on this most bodacious of babes
right up until the point that her dad is like
WELP I NEED TO MAKE SOME BAD DECISIONS
HOW ABOUT WE ASK THE ORACLE AT DELPHI WHY YOU AREN’T GETTING LAID

so the oracle at delphi
SURPRISE SURPRISE
gives an answer that makes everything worse
which is HEY
YOUR DAUGHTER IS GONNA MARRY A MONSTER
ABANDON HER ON A MOUNTAIN
so they do
and cupid sees this
and he is like OH SNAP
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
FOR CLASSY RAPE
so he conjures up some wind and BOOM
Psyche is standing in front of his sweetass mansion
but he is nowhere to be found
he gets on the PA system
and he is like hey the house is yours basically
I’m just going to show up every night and bang the shit out of you
it is extremely important that you never try and see who i am
mainly because i have commitment issues
and also I don’t want you to see me for some reason

so Psyche is pretty okay with this
because she gets a mansion
and nightly mindblowing sexytimes
but then one day her spiteful bitch sisters show up
and they are like hey
what’s your husband like
and Psyche is like umm uhh
and they are like I BET HE’S A SNAKE OR SOMETHING
you should probably violate the ONE SINGLE RULE
which he has asked you to obey
and Psyche is like i don’t see a problem with this
SEE PEOPLE
SEE HOW THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE BEING SMART

So the next night Psyche once again has incredible bonertimes
with the god of love
but this time
once he passes out
she busts out a lantern
the better to see him with
and a knife
in case he is too ugly to live
and it turns out
GASP
HE IS CUPID
Psyche is so shocked by this
that she proceeds to spill hot oil all over her lover
who wakes up like WHAT HEY OW
OH SHIT YOU HAVE A KNIFE NOT AGAIN I’M OUT OF HERE
leaving Psyche alone and miserable
THANKS A LOT, WORTHLESS SISTERS

so Psyche spends the next many years
wandering around feeling sorry for herself
until Venus takes pity on her
oh wait did i say pity
I meant REVENGE
MORE NEEDLESS REVENGE
yeah she catches up with Psyche in a place called Murtia
and she is like hey bitch
how about sort these fucking seeds i found
while guarded by sorrow and despair
and some ants show up like HEY PSYCHE WE ARE YOUR ANIMAL PALS
HERE TO HELP
WE LOVE ORGANIZING SEEDS
and then Venus is like oh yeah
well how about hike to this super deadly waterfall
and get me some jewels from it
and zeus is like OH SHIT WOMEN ARE BAD AT HIKING
BETTER TURN INTO AN EAGLE AND WARP JUMP HER TO THE END
AND CONSPICUOUSLY FAIL TO RAPE HER THE WHOLE WAY
wait

WAIT

HOLD ON NOW

Zeus turns into an eagle
picks up the demonstrably HOTTEST CHICK ALIVE
and FAILS play hide-the-omnipotent-sausage with her?
I call BULLSHIT
but that is beside the point
cause THEN Venus is like ok fine
well how about go to HELL
and get me some coffin or something
I don’t even know
I’m seriously JUST DOING THIS TO KILL YOU
see
this is what the twelve labors of hercules would have been
if Eurystheus had ALSO been Hera
and hercules didn’t have super strength
and was cripplingly depressed all the time

so obviously Psyche dies
but Cupid is like dammit mom what the fuck
I’m telling Zeus
and Zeus is like FUCK THIS
EVERYBODY IS CONSTELLATIONS NOW
so Psyche becomes stars forever

so the moral of the story
is don’t listen to your ugly sisters
if you are getting fucked senseless nightly
by the invisible man
your life is basically paradise
unless you are a straight man i guess
then it would be more like prison
invisible prison
invisiprison?

The end.

RedditStumbleUponShare

8 thoughts on “Cupid and Psyche are both pretty incompetent

  1. I freaking love you now!

    Only a thing: Psyche really is the origin of the termin psyche 'cause some philosophers apparently had thought that this myth was just AWESOME and that's Psyche is not really Psyche but some rappresentation of a part of our soul…yes this is pretty dumb even for me
    Secondly Psyche doesn't die (damn) at the end but marries Cupid and becomes a goddes herself… still prefer her dead

  2. So I'm all over the net trying to find varying versions of this myth and this was by FAR the most entertaining shit EVER. Nice work and now I'll be back to your site cause you're THAT Freaking COOL! :)

  3. Pingback: The Second-Rapiest Moon Story Ever | Myths RETOLD

  4. Thing is that some versions Psyche manages to get to the underworld without dying, and gets from Proserpine (the goddamn Queen of the Dead) a box filled with Proserpine’s beauty to give to Venus
    because plotting your daughter-in-law’s death is exhausting
    and facials aren’t good enough for the goddess of stuck-up.
    But then halfway out Psyche gets worried that what if SHE’S uglier from all the stress and Cupid won’t love her anymore
    So she opens the box
    and it puts her in a coma because mortals are allergic to goddess powers
    And Cupid sees this and is like “Goddamn it mom, this is the last straw I want my bodacious wife back”
    So he goes to Zeus and asks for him to make Psyche a goddess and Zeus is like “Yeah sure why not, she’s hot that’s all that matters”
    So cupid goes to Psyche and puts all the beauty back in the box and she wakes up
    And they get married on Olympus
    and she becomes the goddess of soul or some shit
    and also gets butterfly wings
    Because Psyche means soul AND butterfly in greek or something

  5. No kiddin’ Space Ghost. Behold, the creepiest butterfly poem ever:

    “Psyche”

    The butterfly the ancient Grecians made
    The soul’s fair emblem, and its only name –
    But of the soul, escaped the slavish trade
    Of mortal life! – For in this earthly frame
    Ours is the reptile’s lot, much toil, much blame,
    Manifold motions making little speed,
    And to deform and kill the things whereon we feed.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>