Don’t worry, Elves will fix it

Today’s myth brought to you by crime-fighting human statue
GRANITE STONE
and it is about poor labor practices

So there’s this shoemaker, right?

he’s super duper poor
not sure why though
according to the story he works mega hard
and he’s virtuous and everything
so I guess life just sucks?

but anyway, this shoemaker is down to just enough leather
to make ONE LAST PAIR OF SHOES
so he sits right down and he cuts out all the pieces
and then he lays them out on his work table and goes to bed
because he wants to get up SUPER EARLY to make these shoes
but when he wakes up in the morning OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
looks like the shoes done got ALREADY MADE
WHAT?!
IS IT DEMONS AND WIZARDS?
WITCHCRAFT?
probably
but we will get to that later
what matters now is that these are some damn fine shoes
and pretty soon a dude walks in and is like I WOULD LIKE TO BUY THOSE SHOES
and the shoemaker sells them
and he makes enough money to make TWO MORE PAIRS OF SHOES
so this shit continues
the shoemaker proceeds to geometrically increase the amount of leather he cuts up
and the shoes just make themselves overnight
and then people show up and buy ALL OF THEM

so this begs the question
this shoemaker was like right on the edge
he didn’t have any money at all
but meanwhile there is apparently a limitless supply of people who need shoes
and are willing to buy them from him at exorbitant rates
so here’s my question
what the fuck happened to all his shoes/money?
answer:
HEROIN ADDICTION

so this heroin addicted shoemaker finally becomes pretty well-off again
and he and his wife are shooting up by the fire one night
and they’re like duuude
we should totally figure out who’s been making all these shoes
i mean i know it’s been like several months
and a normal couple might have already wondered who was breaking into their house
just to make free shoes
but we obviously have more important things to worry about
like heroin

but so they manage to hide behind a curtain
and wait up all night
and all of a sudden
HERE COME A COUPLE OF NAKED DWARVES
and they use their super-nimble fingers to sew up all the shoes child-labor style
and then they scamper back to their dwarfhole to keep each other warm
because they are naked and it is cold
and the cobbler’s wife is like duuuude
we should totally make some tiny clothes for those tiny dwarves
they look cold
and you know
they’ve kind of been solely responsible for our whole fortune
and the cobbler is like okay that sounds good

so the next day instead of laying out a bunch of shoeleather
the cobbler and his wife lay out some really pimped out doll clothes
and the naked dwarves scuttle out to make shoes
and they find the clothes
and they are like YIPPEE
YAHOO
FUCKIN’ CLOTHES TIME UP IN HERE
and they put on the clothes
and they run out of the house
and they are never seen again
and the cobbler is like GOD DAMMIT WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK
NOW WHO’S GONNA MAKE ALL THE SHOES?
ME?
PAPA’S GOTTA FEED THE MONKEY, SWEETIE
IT IS A FULL TIME JOB
but then they’re affluent forever so it’s okay
although not really because they have to work and working sucks

so the moral of the story
is never
EVER
clothe your slaves

the end.

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5 thoughts on “Don’t worry, Elves will fix it

  1. It always seemed like a counter-intuitive moral that as soon as you reward those who helped you they GTFO. That's not a very good lesson to learn…

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