Awright my little sex tadpoles
today you are going to hear about a dude who is rude and crude
but knows an excellent plastic surgeon
they call him
(not to be confused with gay mystery author Dorien Grey)
This dude lived way back in the day
inside one of Oscar Wilde’s novels
AND THIS IS HIS STORY
So first off there’s these two dudes
One is named Basil and he is a painter
the other one is named Lord Henry and he is an asshole
so Henry shows up at Basil’s crib one day like HEY BASIL
HAVE I TOLD YOU YET ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD PARTY ALL THE TIME AND TO HELL WITH EVERYONE
and Basil is like Yes Henry
that is all you are ever telling people
you seem to be completely incapable of any other form of speech
and Henry is like COOL STORY BRO
WHO’S THAT HOT DUDE YOU’RE PAINTING?
and Basil is like Oh
that’s Dorian Gray
he is pure and innocent and totally fuckable
don’t talk to him, you’ll ruin him
but Henry doesn’t hear him because he’s already over there by Dorian
He’s like HEY DORIAN SO I CAN SEE YOU’RE PRETTY HOT
BUT YOU’RE GONNA GET OLD, BRO
AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BUNCH OF AWESOME MEMORIES OF HOW HARD YOU AND I USED TO PARTY
and Dorian is like Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss
and on his way out he gets real angry at his own portrait
because it represents a pinnacle of hotness that he’s totally gonna age out of
and he’s like Man
I would give my right nut to have that painting age instead of me
Good thing I’m not in a book or anything
cause if I was
the author might hear me saying this and do something CRAAAAAZY
So meanwhile Lord Henry is doing everything he can to fuck this kid up
he is taking him to sweet parties and hobnobbing with all the nobles
and Dorian is just eating his bullshit right up
and then one day Dorian is wandering through the slums
and he finds this theater
and he goes inside and immediately falls cock over balls for this hot actress named Sibyl
two days later:
engaged to be married
SHIT MOVES FAST WHEN YOU ARE THIS GOOD LOOKING
so naturally everyone but Dorian and Sibyl are pretty worried about this
because these kids hardly know anything about each other beyond cup size
except actually Sibyl’s mom isn’t really worried
cause Dorian seems rich
and Lord Henry isn’t really worried
because who needs worrying when you have all these whores to take care of?
so actually the only people who are worried about this
are Basil, who worries about everything cause he’s no fun
and Sibyl’s bro
who is a sailor
and so is blessed with the ability to see fiascos coming from MILES AWAY.
That’s a thing sailors can do
because of storms or something
you can trust me on this
I rode my bike past a couple boats the other day
anyway, Sibyl’s bro is like SIBYL
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THIS GUY IS CLEARLY A BIG BUCKET OF FIASCO
I CAN TELL BECAUSE I AM A SAILOR
and Sibyl is like pshaw, bro
have you SEEN his junk?
I think i’m in love!
Everyone wears such tight pants in this day and age
IT IS TRULY A GOOD TIME TO BE A LADY
and her bro is like alright dude
but if he breaks your heart
I swear I’ma kill him
OOPS LOOK AT THAT
TIME FOR ME TO GO TO AUSTRALIA AND LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE AT FIASCO CENTRAL
So Dorian is super excited about his upcoming marriage
and he takes his posse
(thems being Basil and Henry)
to go see Sibyl do some Shakespeare
in preparation for him going to do some Sibyl
but oh shit what is this?
It turns out Sibyl SUCKS AT ACTING NOW
because she is so genuinely in love with Dorian
that her fake emotions don’t work anymore
she’s like DON’T YOU SEE, DORIAN
NOW THAT I’VE MET YOU
I CAN QUIT ACTING AND WE CAN BE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER
and Dorian is like uh
that’s kind of a dealbreaker actually
(somehow this reminds me of a much more realistic version of the gift of the magi)
So Dorian gets home
oh yeah and he has that painting now that Basil made of him
and when he gets home he goes and looks at it
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THE PAINTING APPEARS TO HAVE CHANGED
now it is sneering in a really infuriating way
so Dorian covers it up with a towel so it won’t watch him while he sleeps
and he goes to bed feeling kinda bad about the whole Sibyl thing
but then he wakes up in the morning and it turns out she killed herself
and he’s sort of upset
but then Henry is like WHY WORRY ABOUT THAT
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORRYING ABOUT
BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW, MY FRIEND
IS THE ONLY KIND OF WHORES
and Dorian is like YOU MAKE SUCH BRILLIANT POINTS
LET’S GO GET FUCKED UP AND NEVER BE SAD AGAIN
MANY YEARS PASS
Dorian stays true to his word
he basically goes through life like King Midas
except instead of gold
everything he touches turns to debauchery and suicide
this dude’s friends are killing themselves faster than toddlers in an antifreeze factory
i’m sorry, that was kinda tasteless
BUT THAT ANTIFREEZE SURE WASN’T
but yeah, this guy is cruel and unusual
he is cruel mainly in the ordinary ways
like with drugs and being an asshole and stuff
but he is unusual in that the more fucked up he gets
the more fucked up his portrait gets
(he keeps it in his attic now)
but he just STAYS PRETTY
and everyone is hearing all these rumors about him
but they’re all like WE CAN’T BELIEVE THOSE RUMORS
THIS DUDE IS JUST WAY TOO PRETTY
man, whoever is in charge of cursing paintings or whatever
let me just say right now
I would def give my right nut to be so pretty people considered me infallible
one day Dorian is on his way home
and he sees that Basil guy walking through the mist towards him
and he tries to avoid him, but Basil has like a homing beacon for assholes
so he rolls right up to him and he’s like HEY DUDE
I HAVE TO WARN YOU:
PEOPLE ARE SAYING TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT YOU
and Dorian is like Yeah well
those things are all true
and Basil is like WHAT? NO.
and Dorian is like naw dude check it out
look at this portrait in my attic
and Basil is like HOLY SHIT I TOTALLY PAINTED THAT
and Dorian is like Yeah
and now it’s all fucked up because of shit I did
oh, and also I’m murdering you now
okay and now I’m going to go establish an alibi
and then I’m going to blackmail a chemist I know to dissolve your body in acid
then I’ll act kinda weird at some parties for a while
and finally head off to the opium district to get so fucked up my problems disintegrate
how do you feel about that?
and Basil doesn’t say anything because he’s dead and Dorian is high as balls
But when Dorian leaves the opium den
some chick is like OOH THERE GOES PRINCE CHARMING
and Sibyl’s sailor bro just happens to be hanging out there
WAITING for Dorian to drop in
so he chases him down and he puts a gun to his head and he’s like DUDE
I don’t know your name
or your face
but my sister used to be engaged to a dude she called prince charming 18 years ago
and that is all the evidence I need to shoot you with bullets
we live in a time before the internet
and research is hard
but Dorian is thinking fast
despite all the opium playing bumper cars in his cerebrum
so he’s like Dude
If I really was the dude who fucked over your sister
I wouldn’t still be lookin’ this good 18 years later, would I?
and the sailor is like Well, you DO look pretty good.
You go on home now, totally unsuspicious handsome guy
sorry to have bothered you.
And then he goes back to the opium den and everyone is like DUDE
THAT WAS TOTALLY THE GUY YOU WERE LOOKING FOR
and he’s like FUCK
So he goes back to chasing Dorian
like the revenge-crazed Elmer Fudd to Dorian’s Sociopathic Bugs Bunny
and he manages to track Dorian down while Dorian is hunting
but it turns out british dudes are really terrible at hunting
so some guys just accidentally shoot the sailor in the face while he’s skulking in the bushes
and Dorian is saved once again!
DID YOU COME TO THIS BOOK EXPECTING JUSTICE?
YOU DON’T KNOW OSCAR WILDE VERY WELL, DO YOU MY FRIEND?
Okay so cut to Dorian lounging with his old pal Henry
and Dorian is like Hey man
Totally murdered that guy.
And Henry is like No you didn’t, Dorian
you’re too sexy for murder.
And Dorian is like Oh, right.
Well anyway I’ve decided to change my ways
like, the other day I was out in the country
and I totally DIDN’T seduce a farmer’s daughter I saw standing around.
How about THAT?
And Henry is like Nope.
No, no, no.
You’re not going to change your ways, Dorian.
You are too sexy to change your ways.
So Dorian is like FUCK
and he leaves and goes up to his attic to see his portrait
to see if his half-assed promise to be good made his painting any prettier
and obviously it didn’t
except that now his portrait looks like a total hypocrite
and that really pisses Dorian off, I guess
so he whips out a knife and stabs that painting right in its hypocrite face
and the next thing anyone knows
there’s this crazy scream from upstairs
and everyone goes up there to find a perfectly unharmed portrait of pretty young Dorian
and some gross dead old dude stabbed to death on the floor
but when they check his copious amount of rings
THAT THE OLD MAN IS ACTUALLY DORIAN GRAY HIMSELF.
WHO DID NOT SEE THIS COMING?
RAISE YOUR HAND.
THEN USE THAT HAND TO SMACK YOURSELF.
so the moral of the story
is don’t stab a magic portrait of yourself that grants you eternal youth.
pretty basic stuff, really.