I didn’t know they had shamans in Russia
but guess what?
THEY TOTALLY DO.
There is this tribe of dudes called the Buriat
and these dudes are pretty much DROWNING in shamans
in fact, i think i feel a story about one of them coming on right now
OH SHIT HERE IT IS
So Morgon-Kara is the first shaman of the Buriat tribes ever had
and he is EXCEEDINGLY COMPETENT
he is so competent
that he can BRING BACK THE DEAD.
That is more than competence my friends.
dare I say
this dude don’t give a fuck.
He gives so few fucks
that eventually the lord of the dead actually FILES A COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM WITH GOD.
I don’t care who you are or what you are accused of
if it caused a GOD to pass your name UP THE CHAIN OF COMMAND
you are doing pretty well in my book.
So God is like “I’m about to school this chump.”
and what he does
is he takes some random dude’s soul
and stuffs it in a bottle
and then covers the opening of the bottle with his thumb
like you might do if you wanted to kill an insect and you were a big jerk
and apparently souls need oxygen
because it’s not long before the guy whose soul it is starts getting REAL SICK
so of course he calls up the resident shaman
who happens to be Morgon-Kara
if you have a shaman who can raise the fucking dead
you are not going to mess around with any piddling imitators
this dude’s schedule must be PACKED.
I wonder how much he charges?
I wonder how much health insurance was in ancient Siberia
I wonder if shamans are covered under health insurance
because if so
why am I wasting my time with all these fucking doctors
I bet this dude could’ve just turned my erectile dysfunction into a hot chick or something
Morgon-Kara comes over to this dude’s place and he’s like “alright man
lemme go ahead and take your blood pressure
okay, okay, good…
now it is time to go on a badass adventure to find your soul so i can fix it
SO MUCH BETTER THAN A REAL DOCTOR.
So he jumps on his GIANT MAGIC DRUM
and starts rocking out to some INCREDIBLE BEATS
these beats are so incredible
they override gravity
and the drum just starts zooming all over the place
including INTO HEAVEN where God is
and before too long
he sees God sitting up there
just choking the shit out of that dude’s soul in a bottle.
I just like the image of an all-powerful celestial authority
with nothing better to do than hold his thumb over the mouth of a beer bottle
just to prove a point about how a sassy shaman isn’t as great as he thinks.
I mean, whose side is God on?
Shouldn’t he be happy that humans have figured out a way to deal with that whole death thing?
I mean if you’re an all-powerful creator
i feel like death has got to be like
the big inksplotch you accidentally left at the corner of the canvas
the one that kinda looks like balls
and if I was god, I would probably be like SWEET
WAY TO DO MY JOB FOR ME ONCE AGAIN, HUMANS
but instead he’s got to cater to the whining of his death god
and I don’t even get why “death god” needs to be a job
that’s like if they invented a managerial position at wal-mart
called chief supervisor of punching you in the balls
it’s just not good business sense
what kind of universe is this dude running here?
where is the invisible hand of the market when you need it?
uh… where was i?
Oh yeah, the bottle.
So Morgon-Kara sees God busy being a jerkass
so he turns himself into a wasp
because that is ANOTHER thing he can do
and then he stings the SHIT out of God’s face
so he’s like “OW FUCK” and starts grabbing his face and letting go of the bottle
and the dude’s soul is like “AAAAA I’M FREE NOW!”
and the dude gets better
and everyone is a little unnerved to learn
that their universe is being run by a dude who not only doesn’t give a fuck about them
but also can be easily overcome by a guy pretending to be an insect
those two facts taken together kinda cancel each other out
it would probably be worse if it was just one or the other.
Anyway, then Morgon-Kara is running away on his sweet flying drum
but a flying drum is not the best implement of stealth
given that in order to make it go
you have got to rock out with the combined angular momentum of a THOUSAND COCKS COMING OUT
so god hears these shamanistic dicks flying into his ears and he’s like “MORGON-KARA
HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY SPECIAL FUCKING-WITH-MORTALS TIME”
and then he REALLY shows Morgon-Kara what’s what
by breaking his drum in half.
That’s all he can do?
He doesn’t even make the drum unusable
he cuts it in half circumference-wise
so that Morgon-Kara can still use it as a fucking drum!
This guy SUCKS!
then morgon-kara lives happily ever after
although his beats are marginally less phat than they used to be.
So the moral of the story
is that you should always try to be good enough at your job
that it pisses off god.