Even Native Americans Have Problems With Giants

so there’s these two bros

their names are Moose and Caribou
isn’t moose the name of one of the guys in Animal House?
that would make sense because a moose is an animal
BUT I DIGRESS

so moose and caribou decide to go fuck around in the nearby giant-infested woods
for no better reason than that there are woods nearby and there are giants in them
THIS IS HOW PROBLEMS GET STARTED GUYS
but apparently not this time
because this time the idiot twins have the good luck to run into this random lady
who is half giant and half Indian
and she is like hm
giants raped my mother
maybe I have a vested interest in helping these two bros fuck over some giants
so she sits them down and she’s like okay dudes
there are three giants up ahead and they are all TREMENDOUS TOOLCLOWNS
they are going to try and kill you IN A VARIETY OF WAYS
and all three of us know you are way too dumb to just not go into the woods
so here is where I totally bail your shit out

so the first giant is no big deal
I will just give you this box of dogs
yes, I said box of dogs
it is a tiny box full of tiny dogs
just rub your hands all over them and they will immediately become large and FURIOUS
and they will take out their fury on the nearest giant

GIANT TWO
he’s this rude crude totally gross dude with toads in his hair
giant poisonous toads
he is going to ask you to do him a solid and crush a toad for him
because he has toads on his head and they hurt
DO NOT CRUSH A TOAD FOR HIM, GUYS
THE TOADS ARE POISONOUS LIKE I SAID AND THEIR POISON WILL KILL YOU
instead, here is a handful of cranberries
break these cranberries over his head and it will sound like you popping a toad
and he will be satisfied by that because really he is a very lazy murderer

GIANT THREE
uh
well there’s really no trick to this one
just
I guess
here
here’s a knife
it’s magic
it can like
stab really good?
honestly you could just use this knife on everybody and it would be fine
anyway have fun

SO THEY DO
they kill the three giants exactly like she said they would
it is fairly unexciting
and once they’re done, what happens?
do they receive magical treasures and sweet promotional contracts for energy drinks?
NO, ASSHOLE
THEY GET NOTHING
THEY JUST ROMPED THROUGH A FOREST FULL OF KILLHUNGRY DICK GIANTS
AND THEIR PRIZE IS NOT HAVING HAD THEIR FACES TORN OFF
I think a lot less people would play DnD if that’s how it worked

but so naturally these two dudes are disappointed
they decide maybe it would be best if they split up
increase their odds of finding treasure and whatnot
and the rest of the story is pretty much just about moose

so moose is walking around and he meets this hot chick
but see the problem is that this chick’s mom is a witch
I do not mean that in a derogatory way
i mean her mom is an actual witch
like with magic and toads and shit
but Moose is all impatient to get his bone on with the witch’s daughter
so he just rolls up to her like HEY MISS WITCH CAN I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER?
and the witch is like SURE
YOU JUST GOTTA DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO FOR A WHILE
and Moose is like dur ok sounds reasonable

so the first night
he goes to sleep in the house
and the witch is like HERE LET ME GET YOU A BLANKET
LET ME GET YOU SEVEN THOUSAND BLANKETS
HAHA YOU WILL SMOTHER MY PLAN IS BRILLIANT
but Moose just cuts some airholes in the blanket
like you might do for a jar full of insects
and he’s totally fine
and for some reason the witch finds this ASTONISHING

so the next day she’s like HEY MOOSE
SEE THAT GIANT HEMLOCK TREE OUTSIDE?
BEAT IT WITH A STICK UNTIL ALL THE BARK FALLS OFF AND GIVES YOU A CONCUSSION
and Moose is like ok
i’m gonna go ahead and not do the concussion part though
because I like not having concussions
so he just uses some fancy dance moves and debarks that tree no problem

so now the witch is SUPER astonished
and she is like okay new plan
let’s go hang out on this far-off island for a while
oh oops I need to go back home and get my
uh
something
can you just hang out here indefinitely while I do that?
and moose is like duhh sure
but then she leaves and he’s like FUCK
SHE TOTALLY JUST STRANDED ME
WHY DIDN’T I SEE THIS COMING?
which is a good question
but it’s okay because he gets carried gandalf-style by some seagulls
and shows up back at the house like sup

so finally the old woman is like alright son
I didn’t wanna have to do this but you forced my hand
time for an all-out wrestling match on top of a rocky mountain cliff
no holds barred
may the best man win
and then moose breaks her spine because she is an OLD FUCKING WOMAN

so now that the witch is dead
Moose is totally free to marry her daughter
but oh shit
it turns out the daughter is also a witch
not in the magic and toads sense
she’s just really unpleasant
although in restrospect
that accurately describes the mom as well
I guess there was no magic after all
but yeah the only thing the daughter does that doesn’t piss Moose off
is fishing
she’s great at fishing
but then one day she falls through a hole in the ice and she’s gonna freeze to death
and she’s like HELP ME HUSBAND
HELP
and Moose is like hm
nah fuck it
and then she dies
and Moose is a swingin’ bachelor once more

so naturally after all that shit goes down
Moose has a pretty low opinion of like
other people
so he pretty much keeps to himself
meanwhile his bro is totally living it up with booze and whores
which is why caribou travel in groups and moose do not

so the moral of the story
is before you kill someone’s mom to be with somebody
make sure you are actually into that person first
otherwise you have to let them die in an icefishing accident and that is traumatic

THE END.

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2 thoughts on “Even Native Americans Have Problems With Giants

  1. So I'm clear on how the first giant was killed, and the "box full of tiny dogs" attack is pretty fucking awesome.

    But I am unclear on how the second giant ended up dead. That seems like a poorly thought out plan.

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