Even Tristram’s NAME is Sad

Hey first of all guys
here is some bad news
I have only sold 9 crossdressing shirts so far
which means that people need to buy thirty-one more shirts
in the next EIGHT DAYS
or else I can’t get them screenprinted
so i mean
this doesn’t have to be bad news
just steal your friends’ credit cards
and go to this page
and buy like a million shirts
and problem solved

but anyway enough of that
IT’S SADNESS TIME

so there’s this dude Tristram right
and he is one saaaaaaaaaad motherfucker
he is like running around
accidentally killing knights who try to joust with him
because he is the best knight ever
besides Lancelot but whatever
I like to think of him as the green ranger to Lancelot’s black ranger
or was it white ranger
which was the one that the green ranger like turned into later
who was super great?
hold on shit maybe Galahad is the black ranger
look fuck those guys BLUE RANGER FOREVER
(Sir Gawaine is the Blue Ranger
shit no wait sir Gawaine isn’t a fucking nerd)
ANYWAY

so Tristram becomes a knight of the round table pretty easy
cuz of how great he is
and then King Arthur is like OK TRISTRAM
THERE IS THIS DOUCHEBAG KING MARK DOWN IN CORNWALL
HE IS REFUSING TO SWEAR FEALTY TO ME AND ALSO HE IS YOUR UNCLE
GO MAKE HIM DO THE FEALTY THING
and Tristram is like ok
and he goes to cornwall

so he gets to cornwall
and he is like hey dude got any fealty?
and King Mark is like sorry nephew
i am kinda using it all on this asshole king ANGUISH OF IRELAND
is becoming an evil king kind of like becoming a pope
where they give you an all-new totally sweetradical name when you get kinged?
I think it is
but yeah basically king Anguish of Ireland keeps threatening Mark
with this huge giant he has called the Morholt
and basically Anguish is just like hand over all your bitches and riches
or else morholt will come and fuck them
also probably most of your farm animals
and your palace walls for good measure
so Tristram is like alright dude
how about I just go kill the Morholt in single combat
and Mark is like are you a fucking idiot
and Tristram is like YUP

so he challenges the Morholt to single combat on an island
and when he arrives at the island he sets his boat on fire
because he is like ONLY ONE OF US WILL LEAVE ALIVE
and then the morholt immediately starts trying to chop off pieces of him
but sir tristram just proceeds to steadily ruin him
by repeatedly chopping off whatever part of him is closest to the ground
until he is dead
like those cactuses in mario
and Tristram is pretty fucking wounded at this point
so he climbs into the Morholt’s boat
and he just drifts to Ireland
where he gets picked up by this good witch called Brangwain
who is like oh snap a hot knight
lemme bring him to my mistress and WE CAN REBUILD HIM

AND THEY DO
also
Brangwain’s mistress?
her name is LA BELLE ISOLD
SERIOUSLY GUYS
“PRETTY”
IS RIGHT IN HER FUCKING NAME
JUST LIKE “HORRIBLE SADNESS” IS RIGHT IN TRISTRAM’S NAME
THEY ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER
and in fact that is exactly what they discover
while Isold is nursing tristram back to health
they sing to each other all the time and it’s great
BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM
which is that La Belle Isold is King Anguish’s daughter
and the Morholt was king Anguish’s BRO
and Tristram killed the morholt SO HARD
that he left a big chunk of his sword in that motherfucker’s NECK
so when the morholt’s limbs all start washing up on shore
eventually king Anguish gets ahold of the swordchunk
and Isolde figures out that it belongs to tristram
and she is like OH YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH YOU KILLED MY UNCLE
and tristram is like fuck i gotta get out of here

so he goes back to cornwall and guess what emotion he is feeling
THAT’S RIGHT
SADNESS
and king mark is like chill out nephew
i have no idea why you are so sad
but here’s what i’m going to do
i’m going to marry king Anguish’s daughter
LA BELLE ISOLD
it’s a political thing and also i hear she’s pretty hot
why don’t you just go grab her for me and bring her back here
and Tristram is like BOO HOO BOO
but so he goes back to Ireland

so he gets there and is like don’t kill me for killing your bro please
and Anguish is like fuck it whatever
Mark wants to marry my daughter right?
let’s DO THIS
and Isold is like AAAAA WHY ARE YOU BACK I WANT TO KILL YOU
and Tristram is like I totally wanna bang you still dammit
and Isold is like hey Brangwain give me some poison
so i can kill tristram and me with it when we are on the boat back to Cornwall
and Braingwain is like how about instead i prank you
by making a love potion instead of the poison
and Isold is like OH MAN WHAT A GREAT IDEA BECAUSE NOW I AM IN LOVE WITH TRISTRAM
and Tristram also drinks the love potion and then they TOTALLY START MAKING OUT
and also singing to each other and do a bunch of pansy shit like that

so then they get back to Cornwall
and suddenly it is problem city
i mean actually it is still called Cornwall
but it is definitely a city full of problems
actually really mainly just one problem
which is that Mark is totally gonna marry Isold
but Isold wants to bone the shit out of Tristram
and also have nothing to do with Mark’s junk
but they get married anyway
except then on the wedding night
instead of doing the nuptial sex-joust with King Mark
Isolde drugs him with a potion that makes him pass out
and THINK he spent the whole night banging Isold
and then she stuffs him in a closet and tristram climbs in through the window
and they bonk til dawn

THIS GOES ON
FOR YEEEEEEEEARS
and the whole time there is this shitty fucking dwarf named Frocin
who is trying to prove to king mark that Tristram and Isolde are crotchmashin’
but it is a hilarious comedy of errors involving a lot of falling out of trees
and off of ladders
and trying to catch footprints in flour but then it rains
and the flour looks like birdshit instead of flour
but then they bake it into biscuits to prove that it was flour after all
but now they just have a bunch of biscuits that look like turds
so i’m not sure what that accomplished
just including it for the sake of completeness
ANYWAY
one time Mark ALMOST catches them doin’ it
but tristram gets away
but the bed is still warm
and Mark is like you know what
fuck this
FUCK this
I am going to employ some shady magical bullshit to figure all this out
ISOLD I AM SUBJECTING YOU TO THE TEST OF THE HOT METAL RODS

now the test of the hot metal rods is not as sexy as it sounds
basically what it is is they heat up some rebar in a fire
and then they ask you a question
and then you answer the question and you pick up the rods
and if you are lying your hands catch on fire
or i mean
also if you are not lying your hands catch on fire
it is a pretty foolproof test if what you are trying to do is prove someone is lying
but oh yeah also Tristram kind of has to run away from the castle
cause soldiers are looking for him and shit
but he doesn’t wanna miss isold’s hands gettin’ burnt
so he gets some shitty peasant clothes and puts them on over his armor
and he shows up to the burneytimes
and he sees isolde on the way there
about to have to cross a river
and in order to cross the river she would have to get her nice dress TOTALLY SOGGY
so he pops out of the woods like HERE MADAME LEMME CARRY YOU OVER THIS SHIT
and he does
and then she goes to get her hands burned
and the testing dudes are like HEY ISOLD
DID YOU FUCK AROUND ON YOUR HUSBAND
and Isolde is like I swear
the only dude besides King Mark who’s ever touched me
is that dude who just helped me across the river
and then she grabs the metal rods
and is TOTALLY PROTECTED BECAUSE SHE WAS TECHNICALLY NOT LYING
WAY TO GO METAL RODS
WAY TO FUCK UP ON A TECHNICALITY
at which point king mark is like aw honey
I’m so fucking apologetic about this shit
let’s go home and have us a FEAST
and someone find tristram and tell him i’m not trying to kill him anymore

so back at the castle Tristram goes to see Isold in her room
and they’re both like shit that was close huh
and then Isold is like let’s celebrate our narrow escape by BANGING RIGHT NOW
and then king Mark is like OH MAN I AM SO SORRY I DOUBTED MY WIFE
BETTER GO GIVE HER A BIG HUG
RIIIIIIGHT NOW
and so of course he walks in on tristram
doing the hokey pokey
with just his penis
and Mark’s wife
so he immediately starts CHOKING ON RAGEBILE
and tristram and Isold are like OOOOHHHHHHH FUCKKKKK
and they run away
and live in the forest
and Tristram gets all wounded by the fucking ARMY that Mark sends after them
and they have to live in a cave
which is full of a dragon
which tristram kills
and gets wounded some more in the process
and it sucks

but Isold decides to be a fucking badass
and makes a bow and hunts some animals
and makes blood soup and nurses Tristram back to health
at which point he makes a BETTER bow and kills MORE animals
and they start having a pretty legitimate happy existence up in here
and meanwhile King Mark kind of gives up trying to find them
but then one day he is chasing a boar or something
and he accidentally finds tristram and isold taking a nap in their cave
and he is like aw fuck
do i kill them?
i’d feel pretty shitty about it if I did
how about instead i just leave my sword right here and tiptoe back to my castle

so then Tristram wakes up
and he sees the sword and he is like FUCK BALLS
BETTER TAKE THIS SHIT BACK TO KING MARK AND SUBMIT MYSELF TO HIS MERCY
and Isold is like what why would you do that
we’ve got a good thing going here
and Tristram is like I CAN’T STAND BEING HAPPY
JESUS WOMAN WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME YET
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OR SOMETHING
so they go back to Cornwall
and Tristram is like yo dude i’m sorry i stole your wife
and King Mark is like it’s cool dude i’m not even gonna punish you
so uh
you have a couple options
you can leave with Isold again or you can just leave
and Tristram is like LEMME GO AHEAD AND PICK THE OPTION THAT WILL MAKE ME SADDER
and Isold is like fuck god dammit what shit cocks asshole fuck cocks cocks ass
and then tristram leaves and kills a fuckton of monsters and cries a lot

BUT THEN ONE DAY
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT
TRISTRAM KILLS A WHOLE BUNCH MORE DUDES
that isn’t the lucky part actually
honestly at this point in the story
it’s pretty much expected that Tristram will kill all the dudes
because like i said the only dude who is better than him is Lancelot
and Lancelot is busy concealing his penis in Guenivere so that fight isn’t happening
no no see the lucky part
is once Tristram has once again killed all the dudes
the king whose ass he just saved is like hey bro
do you wanna marry my sister
and he wheels out his sister who LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD ISOLD
and guys
guess what her name is
ISOLD OF THE WHITE HANDS
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT SOMEONE WENT BACK IN TIME AND CLONED HER
AND THEN TELEPORTED HER TO THE PRESENT
MAYBE FUTURE TRISTRAM DID THIS IN AN ATTEMPT TO RECAPTURE HIS LOST YOUTH
IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF A MEGASWEET DOCTOR WHO/KING ARTHUR CROSSOVER FANFIC?
no no wait it’s just a coincidence sorry
but anyway Tristram is like shit yeah i’ll marry this chick
and they get hitched
but then i guess Tristram gets turned off
by the idea of banging a pubescent clone of the one and only love of his life
/if he got laid he wouldn’t be sad anymore and he can’t have that
so he goes a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR without banging this chick
who, let us remember, is ABNORMALLY HOT
even if she is jailbait
but anyway Isold of the White Hands’s brother
whose name is Kaherdin by the way
finds out about this and is like HOW DARE YOU NOT FUCK MY SISTER
NOW WE MUST KUNG FU FIGHT
BUT WITH SWORDS AND NO KUNG FU
and Tristram is like fuck it whatever
if that’s what you wanna do let’s do it
and then Kaherdin is like hold on how about we think about this for a second
WHAT
PEOPLE THINKING BEFORE MURDERING EACH OTHER
I THOUGHT I WAS READING SOME KING ARTHUR SHIT
NOT U.N. RESOLUTION #1401B
but yeah Kaherdin is like you’re not boning my sister
cuz you really wanna bone some other chick you can’t ever ever bone right?
and Tristram is like yup
and Kaherdin is like ok well let’s go see her and see if you still wanna bang her
so they go and they see her
and tristram still wants to bang her
and Kaherdin suddenly wants to bang Brangwain even though she is totally unhot
but when Kaherdin finds out tristram still wants to do Isold
(who looks old as shit now because sadness)
he’s like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
MY SISTER IS NUBILE AS FUCK
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE CRYPT KEEPER OVER THERE FOR
NOW WE MUST SERIOUSLY KUNG FU FIGHT
so they fight
and tristram doesn’t even try to defend himself
and then he gets mortally wounded

so Kaherdin is satisfied that he has defended his sister’s honor
but now he’s really bummed out that he has mortally wounded his best bro Tristram
so he is like DUDE DUDE
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO ASSIST YOU IN NOT DYING?
and Tristram is like yeah how about lemme see La Belle Isold
one more time before i die
i mean she actually healed me from mega illness before
so there is a legit reason for her to show up
also could you please drag me out onto the nearby cliffs
so i can watch for your ship to come back
and if you have La Belle Isold on board please put up a white flag
and if you do not please put up a black flag so i can waste no time killing myself
and Kaherdin is like NO PROBLEM DUDE

so Kaherdin goes back to Cornwall and gets Isold and Brangwain
and on the boat he is spitting MAD game at Brangwain and they totally hit it off
but meanwhile Isold of the White Hands is tending to Tristram’s wounds
and he is getting super delirious and he is like OH BTW
I ONLY MARRIED YOU CUZ YOU LOOK LIKE THIS CHICK ISOLD I LOVE WAY MORE THAN YOU
SHE IS ON HER WAY RIGHT NOW
I AM GOING BLIND FROM BLOOD LOSS COULD YOU PLEASE WATCH FOR THE BOAT
so obviously moody teenage Isold is not too pleased about this
and when Kaherdin’s boat finally shows up on the horizon
and Tristram is like WHAT COLOR IS THE SAIL WHAT COLOR IS IT HUH HUH
she is like
whatever color it is that means your fucking slut isn’t coming
uh i mean
black
and then Tristram’s heart FUCKING EXPLODES

so La Belle Isold gets off the boat
and sprints up onto the cliffs to where Tristram is at
just in time to see him spitting up blood and being as dead as possible
so of course then SHE dies
but it’s cool because then Brangwain and Kahardin get married
so at least SOMEONE is happy

so the moral of the story
is most people don’t even find ONE true love in their whole fucking lives
so if you get your true love handed to you on a silver platter
and then you elect to abandon her for abstract honor reasons
and then someone else hands you an EXACT DUPLICATE of your true love
no strings attached
and you proceed to alienate her by pining over the original version
WHO YOU ABANDONED
you deserve whatever happens

THE END

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17 thoughts on “Even Tristram’s NAME is Sad

    • I enjoyed your style of writing, but there are certain things that ought never be changed. Their names were Tristan and Isolde, not Tristram and Isold. Also, your spelling could definitely use a good proofreader! Otherwise, though, well done!

      • Yeah, read other legends. Guinevere = gwynhyfar, Guinevre; Lancelot = Lanzel, Lancelet, Launcelot; Tristan = Tristam = Tristram (older spelling and more “authentic” imo); Isolt = Yseult = Isolde = Isold, etc.

  1. Tristram is one of my favorite dudes ever, even if he was a complete and abject moron (just like every other member of the fucking round table.. I love them, but they seriously just walk into the stupidest shit over and over again). Thanks for doing this.

  2. Green/White Ranger is the hottest ever!

    (By the way, Power Rangers references AND Doctor Who? Can we run away together? I will leave my husband post-haste…)

  3. So a few weeks ago I read this story in some Victorian guy's abridged translation of Malory, which was much more boring and less fucked up but also really long. It was cool though, because Sir Dinadan had to ride along with Tristram for a bit and the whole point of him is to say thing like, "WTF no, I'm not getting into another fight, those guys look really hard and I'm tired from the fucking hundred dudes you insisted on fighting this morning. What's wrong with you? You're the only guy I've met who's as crazy and Lancelot". I know he's meant to be kind of whiney and make Tristram look even more badass, but I appreciate the lone knightly voice of reason.

  4. “so he challenges the Morholt to single combat on an island
    and when he arrives at the island he sets his boat on fire
    because he is like ONLY ONE OF US WILL LEAVE ALIVE”

    When I read this, I thought:
    “Before I kill you, tell me where your boat is.”
    “You burned yours too, huh?”
    “Shit.”

  5. Pingback: Courtly Love isn’t about Love, You Piece of Shit | Myths RETOLD

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