Feanor Invents Bling

sup wednesday people
it has been brought to my attention
that I haven’t been tagging all of the silmarillion posts
WELL NOW THEY ARE ALL TAGGED
YOU CAN ALL CLIMB OFF YOUR HIGH HORSES NOW
seriously guys
you got to stop smoking out your fucking steeds already
it is a danger

okay so Feanor is born
and Melkor is out of jail
what could possibly go wrong?
EVERYTHING
ALL THE THINGS

to start with, Feanor makes a bunch of jewels called the Silmarils
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT GUYS
WE HAVE BEEN POWERING THROUGH THE SILMARILLION FOR LIKE 2 MONTHS NOW
AND THIS WHOLE TIME WE WERE JUST BUILDING UP TO THE FUCKING SILMARILS
and what are these silmarils everyone is so wild about?
just some INDESTRUCTABLE GEMS
infused with the LIGHT OF THE TREES OF VALINOR
that’s pretty rad
but like
i’m not sure what it means in practical terms
as far as I can tell these is just some pretty-ass gems
that are enchanted so that evil people cannot handle them
without their hands melting off

WHICH MAKES IT REALLY WEIRD THAT MELKOR WANTS THEM
i mean i guess his general MO is just “fuck shit up”
with no consideration as to personal gain
like he’s passed straight on through self-interest into the hatefuck zone
but still
dude’s a musician
a speed metal guitarist, if history is to be believed
dude needs his hands

so instead of just jacking these pretty gems
Melkor begins an incredibly sneaky PR campaign
cause oh shit i forgot to tell you some stuff

so remember I said Feanor’s mom used 3 dudeworths of energy to make Feanor
well apparently that kills you when you do that
so Finwe (Feanor’s dad) is suitably bummed about this
but he’s not a fucking priest
he gets married again pretty quick
and has more kids
and since Finwe is king of the elves
(or at least king of the Noldor
who are the only elves this story is really about from now on)
that means that his sons are elf princes
which means they are going to have to be dicks to each other

so Melkor wisely takes advantage of this
and starts wandering around the kingdom
paying all kinds of backhanded compliments to the Valar
and totally negging on them in all kinds of subtle ways
making everybody think the Valar brought the elves to Party Island
just to keep them from having an awesome time all over the rest of the world
and so they could make the elves their slaves
he even tells them about humans
even though he doesn’t really know much about humans
because during the whole creation song he was pretty focused on his own riffs
he’s basically just like DUDES
HUMANS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP ON EARTH
AND THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE ALL TYPE OF SWEET PARTIES WHERE YOU USED TO LIVE
AND THE VALAR ARE GOING TO LET THEM
CUZ HUMANS ARE EASIER TO MANIPULATE THAN ELVES
even though that’s total bullshit
humans take no guff from anyone

anyway the elves are starting to get all grumpy at the Valar
and so Melkor moves on to stage 2
he goes to Feanor and he’s like yo dude
I think the Valar are going to try and help your bro Fingolfin stage a coup
because Fingolfin has agreed to be pussywhipped by the Valar forever
and then he goes over to Fingolfin and he’s like BRO
you should watch out for Feanor, man
dude is a loose cannon
so suddenly these two powerful elf dudes are all suspicious of each other
and they start making weapons and shit
and hiding them
and walking around with shields on all the time
and everybody thinks they are the only ones who know about this
because melkor has been so crafty with all his lies
but except how does no one realize what’s up
when EVERYONE STARTS WEARING SHIELDS ALL THE TIME

well according to tolkien
it’s because liars are guaranteed success
like check it out, here’s what he actually says:
“He that sows lies in the end shall not lack of a harvest
and soon he may rest from toil indeed while others reap and sow in his stead”
dude
lying sounds AWESOME
i need to get on that shit

anyway everybody finally flies off the handle
and Fingolfin goes to Finwe’s house like Dude
Feanor is totally a loose cannon and he is totally trying to stir up rebellion
and then Feanor busts in like HEY FINWE I’M A LOOSE CANNON WATCH ME STAB AT MY BROTHER
so obviously finwe calls the cops
by which I mean the Valar
and they are like Feanor
what the fuck are you doing man
who told you we were trying to enslave all the elves?
and Feanor is like uh
Melkor?
and everyone is like OH SHIT WHAT A SURPRISE

So they send Tulkas off to go try to kill Melkor
but he turns into some clouds and flies away
and meanwhile they can’t have Feanor running around being a loose cannon
so they kick him off the force
by which I mean they kick him out of the city for 12 years
and he takes his seven sons and goes and chills out inside a mountain with his treasure
and Finwe comes too because he likes Feanor better than his other lame sons
and Melkor really wants those Silmarils so he goes over to Feanor’s place
and he’s like yoooo buddyyyy
sorry about the whole exile thing
I can totally help you get back to the mainland and shit
i mean it’s not like those shiny jewels of yours are safe here in Valar towne
and Feanor is like DON’T YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT MY JEWELS
THEY ARE MY JEWELS AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT THEM
and he calls the cops (by which I mean the Valar)
but Melkor turns into more clouds and escapes before they can catch him
and he leaves Valinor and everything is real nice for a real long time

BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT IS NOT THE END
because shit ain’t terrible yet
but just as obviously it is the end for tonight
because I am sleepy

So the moral of the story
is that lying is great and has no consequences

the end.

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One thought on “Feanor Invents Bling

  1. Pingback: Melkor Ruins the Party | Myths RETOLD

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