FIRE

Ok so i am about to fuck off to the desert
AGAIN
and so i am going to be remotely posting myths
native american myths
using the magic of the internet
starting RIGHT
NOWWWWW

ok so coyote right
he likes to chill with all the humans on earth
and life is pretty sweet most of the time
blackberries and wheat and shit all the fuck over the place
except then winter comes
and just jizzes in everyone’s lungs
and like 90% of everybody dies
every year

so one day coyote is walking along
and he passes a village
and the woman are all weeping
over their dead infants
and they are like FUUUUUUCK
THE SUN IS SO WARM RIGHT NOW
IN SPRING
IF ONLY WE HAD SOME OF THE SUN IN OUR TEEPEES
IN WINTER
and coyote is like I HAVE A SOLUTION

so he goes up on top of this mountain
where these three assholes live
called the fire beings
they are these ugly motherfuckers
with like
sharp talons
who spend all their time guarding this fire
so when they hear coyote in the underbrush
they are like AGH FUCK WHO’S THERE
and coyote is like just me
just a coyote
nothing to worry about
and they are all like oh ok

so then coyote watches them all night
seeing how they always have at least one of them
watching the fire
except right at dawn
when one of the fire beings
is too much of a lazy whorebag
to get up quickly and guard the fire

so coyote goes and hits up all his animal pals
like GUYS
help me steal fire for the weird hairless human things
and the animals are like sure ok

so coyote goes back up to the top of the mountain
and the fire beings hear him like WHOA
AGH
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
and coyote is like jeeze guys
dont you remember
i’m just a coyote
a harmless dumb animal
come on
and the fire beings are like ok
so then coyote hangs out all night
and in the morning
when one of the fire beings is busy lazing it up
he hauls ass across their camp
and grabs the fire
and starts booking it down the mountain
and all of the fire beings are like SHIIIIIIIIT
and they start flying after him
and one of them touches his tail
and it turns white
which is why all coyotes have tails like that
that’s right
this coyote got AROUND
anyway then coyote tosses the fire to squirrel
and squirrel carries it on his back
which burns it hardcore
curling his tail
and then he passes the fire to chipmunk like OW FUCK
and chipmunk catches it
and then fucking FREEZES because these fire beings
are TERRORIFYING
and one of them just runs up to him and scratches the fuck out of his back
leaving three lines there
which are now on all chipmunks everywhere
and then chipmunk is like FUCK DAMN
and passes the fire to frog
and the fire beings catch frog’s tail
and frog is just like FUCK I DONT NEED A TAIL
and it comes off
and guys
guess what
now frogs don’t have tails
so finally after all this forcible re-engineering of various species
frog tosses the fire to wood
and wood swallows it
and the fire beings go up to wood like HEY WOOD
FUCKING GIVE US OUR FIRE BACK
and wood is like nope
and the fire beings are like IMA CUT CHOO
and wood is like go for it
and the fire beings are finally like YOU KNOW WHAT FINE
FUCK IT
and they leave
but coyote knows how to set wood on fire
so he teaches all the humans
how to use like
matches and shit
and suddenly arsonist is a profession

so the moral of the story is
if you need something
steal it
in fact better yet
have a coyote steal it
because apparently no one suspects those guys

THE END

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2 thoughts on “FIRE

  1. So coyote knows how to set wood on fire now.
    All you have to do is steal it from the fire-beings, pass it over to some animals and then pass it over to fire. Every. Fucking. Time.

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