INTERMISSION

OKAY GUYS CHECK IT OUT

There’s this mouse, right
his name it Jerry, which is a weird name for a mouse to have
maybe he stole it
this dude sure has no qualms about stealing, I will tell you that
in fact what is he doing right now?
Oh
oh
STEALIG
STEALIGN*
STEALINGGGGGG
cheese
he is stealing cheese
you can buy that at the store you stupid mouse
if you are fancy enough to have a person name
then you are fancy enough to eat in restaurants and shop at grocery stores
leave us alone
but NOOOOOO
Jerry decides to scurry out of his little mousehole
and climb onto the dinner table with DISTINCTLY UNMOUSELIKE DEXTERITY
THERE IS NOTHING MOUSELIKE ABOUT JERRY MOUSE
HE WALKS ON TWO LEGS AND HE SPEAKS ENGLISH AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS
LOOK
I MADE A CHART:
LOOK CLOSELY. CAN YOU SPOT THE DIFFERENCE?

So Jerry is busy scurrying up the inside of the uncanny valley
and meanwhile there’s this other dude
Tom
Tom Cat
now you might be thinking to yourself
“Gosh, with a name like Tom Cat, he must be a cat!”
WRONG
There is nothing less catlike in the whole world than Tom motherfucking cat
he is like if you took off a cat’s skin
draped it over a bicycle
and then taught the bicycle to be an idiot
that is a bad metaphor but you get what I’m trying to say

so basically what happens
is Tom tries EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER to get laid
And Jerry
well
he starts out trying to get food
but after about TEN FUCKING SECONDS
his motivation changes from “basic survival”
to “force Tom Cat to eat himself.”
and this only works because Tom is obligingly ignorant of his own anatomy
all you gotta do is like
put his tail between some breadslices
or inside a pineapple
and suddenly he is ALL OVER THAT SHIT
he could be HOLDING IT IN HIS FUCKING HANDS THE WHOLE TIME
THE SECOND HE LOOKS OVER AND SEES SOME WHIPPED CREAM ON THAT SHIT
ALL BETS ARE OFF
OBJECT PERMANENCE:
INVENTED TO PREVENT THIS EXACT SITUATION
ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY I DOUBT EVEN THE MOST INTELLIGENT OF DESIGNERS
COULD HAVE FORESEEN A SITUATION
WHERE SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TO BE DISCOURAGED
FROM EATING THEIR OWN FUCKING BODY
i am beginning to develop a theory about Tom and Jerry
I will tell you in a minute

So Tom eventually forgets about trying to get laid
mainly because he is a terrible sex man
because he is a cat that walks on two legs
and smokes cigars and has no dick
and at that point he becomes totally consumed with trying to murder Jerry
this is always the story
this is the sad tableau that they rehash every day of their wacky, wacky lives
maybe they are ice skating
maybe they are on the moon
perhaps there is a dog involved
it doesn’t matter
because Tom is a relentless idiot
Jerry is a professional bastard
The cat will eventually eat his whole body
the mouse will get diabetes
and neither of them will ever realize
that they are the byproduct
of a horrible experiment designed to make indestructible dickless mammals
for use in war and cereal advertisements

so the moral of the story
is cartoons are a conspiracy
everything you enjoyed as a child is a lie

You’re Welcome.

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