Fuck Jack and Fuck his Beanstalk

guys you are buying shirts too fast
i am already starting to kind of run out
and i am sick of fucking making these things
so what i am going to do
is once these sell out (there are 2 smalls left and one of them is grey
also 3 Large, 3 XL, and 3 Med)
i am going to just suck it up and screenprint like a hundred of these
so there is going to be a period where I am not going to be shipping out any shirts
i will let you know when that is

BUT ANYWAY

Wow this Jack guy is an asshole

seriously
I’ve written well over two hundred of these myths
from like six hundred different cultures
over a year or so
and in that time i’ve come across a lot of assholes
but i don’t think any of them were quite so greedy, lazy, and needlessly cruel
as this festering little beershit with no last name
this is his story:

so jack lives with his mom in bumfuck poortowne, England
and they are pretty bumfuck poor
they are selling all of their possessions one at a time
just to be able to afford BREAD
and they are poor already so it’s not like they have a ton of possessions to sell
so pretty soon they run out of shit
all they have left is a cow named Milky White
yep
they put more effort into naming the damn COW than they did with the MAIN CHARACTER
although honestly Milky White is not that clever of a name
that’s like naming your best pig Bacon O’Shaugnessy
except less creative actually because MILK IS WHITE
but anyway eventually the cow’s udder breaks
and they’re like fuck it
guess we gotta sell this piece of shit
and Jack
who is too young (read: lazy) to work
is like MOM I TOTALLY GOT THIS
LEMME RIDE THE COW TO TOWN AND I WILL GET TONS OF MONEY FOR IT
and his mom is like i’m too poor to go outside so go for it

so jack gets on this cow and he’s like YAHH TRICK YAHHH
and he’s riding to town when he passes a butcher
and the butcher’s like OY KID
WHERE YOU GOIN WIV DAT COW
(Myths RETOLD! NOW WITH ACCENTS)
and Jack is like uh i’m try’na sell this bitch
and the butcher is like man it’s a long way to the market huh
how about i save you the trip by swindling you out of your cow RIGHT NOW
and Jack’s like sounds good tell me more
and the butcher is like ok i’ve got these five beans right
i will give you those for my cow
but these are not just any beans
these beans are MAGIC
and jack is like MAGIC?!
I WISH I HAD MORE COWS
and he runs home with these beans and no cow

so imagine you are the mom
you trusted your lazy piece of shit son to do ONE THING
ONE THING
and he comes home with a handful of beans and a big fat idiot grin on his idiot face
so obviously you pimp smack him so hard his face teleports to next tuesday
toss his idiot beans out the window
then send him to bed without food
because remember
YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING FOOD
this is what happens
this is good parenting and it is the only thing i agree with in this WHOLE TALE

but what happens next just pisses me right off
because jack wakes up in the morning and GUESS WHAT
THE BEANS HAVE GROWN INTO A GIANT BEANSTALK GOING ALL THE WAY UP TO HEAVEN
OR AT LEAST ENGLAND’S CLOSEST EQUIVALENT TO HEAVEN:
A CLOUD CITY INFESTED WITH EVIL GIANTS
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE JACK WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED ON THE WORLD?
but so obviously this has a really catastrophic effect on Jack’s ego
also his morals and his decision making calculus
because see
he has just been rewarded for making a shitty stupid decision
at least if you consider a bridge to a land full of massive cannibals a reward
and if you are a person who routinely makes shitty stupid decisions
as Jack does
a reward is probably exactly what you consider this to be

so of course jack just jumps directly out of his window and onto the beanstalk
and he climbs it all the way up to Giantstowne
and immediately some fairy appears next to him like OY
THAT GIANT WHO LIVES IN THAT CASTLE OVER THERE?
HE KILLED YOUR DAD
YOUR MOM IS SWORN TO SECRECY
ANYTHING YOU DO TO THIS GUY IS TOTALLY JUSTIFIED
and of course jack takes this claim at face value
why?
because EVERY GROUNDLESS, IDIOTIC THING HE HAS BEEN TOLD SO FAR HAS BEEN TRUE
but here’s the thing
FAIRIES LIE
ALL THE TIME
HOW THE HELL WOULD JACK’S DAD EVEN GET UP HERE
THIS SHIT IS MORE EXCLUSIVE THAN A GATED COMMUNITY
YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO BE A FUCKING IDIOT TO EVEN TRY COMING UP HERE
although if his dad did find some stupid way up to cloud city
i guess we know where Jack got his idiot genes

but that is neither here nor there
remember jack didn’t get dinner last night
so he’s pretty hungry
he decides that the thing to do
is just roll straight up to the castle of the giant who apparently killed his dad
and ask for breakfast
perhaps this is how his dad died
just a thought
but anyway he’s a lucky motherfucker because instead of running into the giant
he runs into the giant’s wife
who is also a giant
but not quite as bitey as her husband
and she’s like sure whatever you can come have breakfast
but if my husband catches you he’s gon’ fuck you up
and Jack is like whatever man

so Jack has a fat breakfast but then they hear the giant coming
and the giantess is like OHHH SHITTTT
QUICK
HIDE IN THIS GIANT TEAKETTLE
so Jack hides
and then the giant enters
rapping
like YO
SKIBBITY BEBOP A REBOP SCOOBY-DOOD
I FEEL LIKE SOME ASSHOLE’S BEEN EATING MY FOOD
I’LL GRIND HIS BONES AND FLESH TO PASTE
I’VE GOT A WEIRD IDEA OF HOW BREAD SHOULD TASTE
and his wife is like nope no one here but us giants
and the giant is like OK WHATEVER
GONNA EAT A WHOLE TON OF MEAT
NOW I WANNA COUNT MY MONEY
WIFE
BRING ME MY MONEY
so his wife brings him two bigass sacks of gold
and the giant starts counting it
but i guess there are sheep on the coins because then he falls asleep
and jack is like OH MAN
NOW’S THE TIME TO ABUSE THE GIANTESS’S HOSPITALITY
and he jumps out of the kettle
snatches up the sacks of gold
and makes tracks for the goddamn beanstalk
the giant doesn’t even wake up until Jack is like 2 towns over

ok now riddle me this:
Jack is supposed to be too young to work
but he is clearly fit enough to lift TWO ENTIRE SACKS OF GIANT GOLD
AND RUN WITH THEM
GET A REAL FUCKING JOB YOU CRIMINAL
but anyway yeah with their stolen gold jack and his mom are officially rich
there is no record of jack asking his mom if his dad was killed by the giant
presumably because he’s afraid she’ll say no
and his thievery will no longer be morally justified
oh yes
there is definitely more thievery

so Jack and his mom don’t have to worry about food or anything anymore
they are rich as fuck
but Jack cannot stop thinking about fucking over that giant
so one day he climbs up the beanstalk again
and he rolls up to the giant’s castle
and the wife is there again
but she doesn’t recognize him
because he’s dressed like the fucking pimpmaster general
and he’s like hey
can i get some breakfast up in here
and she’s like what does this look like
a goddamn breakfast nook
the last kid who came by looking for breakfast ROBBED OUR HOUSE
and Jack is like look at me
do i look like I need to rob your house
and the giantess is like good point
welcome to breakfast

so jack eats some breakfast
and then they hear the giant coming
and the giantess is like QUICK
INTO THE KETTLE
so in he goes
and then the giant comes in like YO
FLIBBITY BLIP BLAP A BOBBITY BLOUSE
WOMAN I TOLD YOU TO GUARD THE DAMN HOUSE
I’LL ROAST THIS POOR FUCK ON THE END OF MY SWORD
BECAUSE HUMANS ARE THE ONLY MEAT WE CAN AFFORD
and his wife is like CHILL OUT MAN THERE ARE NO HUMANS HERE AT ALL
and the giant is like SERIOUSLY?!
fine whatever
and he sits down and eats a TON of food
and then he’s like WOMAN
BRING ME MY MAGIC CHICKEN
and his wife brings in the magic chicken
and the giant is like HEY MAGIC CHICKEN
LAY ME AN EGG
and it does and it is an egg made of GOLD
and the giant is like LAY
and the chicken is like MORE GOLD
and the giant is like LAY
and MORE GOLD
and then the giant falls asleep for basically no reason at all
what is he out doing all morning that makes him so tired at fucking breakfast time
but anyway Jack again takes this as his cue to fuck everything up
he jumps out of the kettle
grabs the hen
and runs down the beanstalk and back home
thus needlessly adding to their already stupid amount of riches

so time passes
and jack and his mom have so much money they don’t even know what to do with it
they are trying to grow flowers in it and shit but it is not working
because that is not what gold is for
gold is not really for anything
other than making certain kinds of wires and shit
and these people are too dumb for technology
but anyway jack gets bored and he’s like you know what
i know we already have more money than we could ever possibly need
but i just got this new diamond encrusted watch
and because this is the goddamn middle ages and watches don’t even fucking work
it only displays one time
and that time
is time to go fuck over some giants again

So Jack climbs up the beanstalk for a third time
but this time he figures the giant lady might not be too happy to see him
seeing as he has taken advantage of her hospitality TWO TIMES now
so instead he sneaks in through the back way and hides in the oven
now i know what you’re thinking
and no
no one turns on the oven with jack inside and burns him alive
even though they should
no he just stays perfectly safe and cozy in there while the giant comes home like YO
SHIMMY SHIMMY YAH AND HOW YOU DOIN’
SOME DICK’S IN MY CRIB AND MY LIFE IS RUINED
YOU NEED TO GET BETTER ‘BOUT GUARDING THE DOOR
FUCK, WE LIVE IN A CASTLE, HOW’D WE GET THIS POOR?
and his wife is like seriously this time I have no idea what you’re talking about
I know we sat down and had a discussion about bringing strangers into the house
but you gotta believe me i honestly didn’t let anyone in this time
CAN’T YOU SEE
THESE ROBBERIES ARE DESTROYING OUR MARRIAGE
and the giant is like bitch I will destroy YOU
he’s in the kettle isn’t he
i’m gonna look in the kettle
but NOPE!
JACK IS NOT IN THE KETTLE THIS TIME
HE OPTED FOR THE MORE DANGEROUS OPTION AND LIKE USUAL IT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL
so the giant is like fuck this
it’s not even like we’ve got anything worth stealing left anyway
woman
please bring me my magic harp that sings songs
it is the one thing we still have that brings me some comfort and joy
so the giantess brings in the harp
and the giant is like sing me a lullaby harp
and then the harp sings a mega sweet lullaby and the giant passes out
OF COURSE
and Jack is like YESSS
I BET I CAN SELL THIS THING FOR AT LEAST TWENTY BUCKS
and he busts out of the oven and grabs the harp

ALRIGHT
let’s try and contextualize this a little bit
what jack is doing right now
would be like if you invited someone into your house
and they walked out with your computer and your TV
then they came by later
and you invited them into your house again for some reason
and they stole all your credit cards and cleaned out your bank account
and then
while you were struggling to make rent payment and dig yourself out of debt
this same person came back
broke into your house in the middle of the night
and STOLE YOUR FUCKING IPOD
I don’t even have an ipod and this pisses me off

but this harp isn’t about to stand for this shit
see as soon as Jack picks up the harp
it just starts screaming OY
OY
GIANT
WAKE THE FUCK UP
IT’S THAT LITTLE SHIT’S BEEN STEALING ALL YOUR STUFF
and the giant is like WHAAAAAAAT
and he starts chasing after jack
this is it
this is his moment
is jack finally going to have consequences for his actions?
NOPE
he makes it all the way to the beanstalk
and he slides down
and the giant starts climbing down after him like FEE FI FO FUM
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I CHECK THE HOUSE DIRECTLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BEANSTALK
and jack gets to the bottom
and chops down the beanstalk
and the giant falls like several miles out of the sky
probably crushing a lot of the surrounding neighborhood
and jack and his mom live happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if you have some magic beans
i don’t care how much you want a cow
hold onto those fucking beans
you can’t help but use them better than this jack asshole

THE END.

RedditStumbleUponShare

9 thoughts on “Fuck Jack and Fuck his Beanstalk

  1. I like the accents! Can you do more than just "wiv" instead of "with"? Because I want more ACCENTS.

  2. Don't forget about all of the ecological damage caused by cutting down a giant beanstalk. Animals had probably made that their homes by then, not to mention the carbon-recycling it was providing. Considering how big it would have to be, Jack basically bulldozed the fucking Amazon in this one.

  3. Oh lawsy, I wish I could read these to my niece. Her parents would disown me, but man, would she love these.

  4. I think I read a thing like this where he kills the giantesses husband, steals his seven league boots, and then goes back to the giantess (who has been nothing but nice to him) and tells her, "Oh shit, some people kidnapped your husband".

    And she was like, "I know he's an asshole but I love him! What should I do?"

    And so he tricks the distraught woman he just widowed into giving him the rest of her money as ransom and runs off with it.

    So. Classy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>