Fuck you too, Hans Christian Andersen

What the fuck is wrong with this guy
Seriously
So far the lessons we have learned from Hans Christian Assersen are as follows:
you need to be a horrible bitch to succeed in life
and then old men will rape you in your sleep
TWO FOR TWO THERE HANS OLD BUDDY
but the story I’m about to tell you not only takes the cake
it bakes a second cake just to videotape itself farting into it

so there’s this duck right
she can talk
OF COURSE
man just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characters
where the animals CAN’T talk
watch I’ll write one right now
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK
“QUACK” SAID THE DUCK
THEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREAD
man okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duck
she has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over them
and then they all hatch
and look at all these adorable baby ducks
holy shit these ducks are fine
they are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troy
or narcissus and HIMSELF
but there’s one duck
who is more like if someone tried to make a salad
out of shit
yeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shame
and the momma duck is like uh whoa
how did that come out of me
I guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked up
anything could have happened
but damn

but it’s okay
because as ugly as this duck is
his ass can SWIM
he can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducks
but oh wait did I say it was okay?
I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first time
all the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLY
GET OUT OF OUR FARM
and then his mom is like well son
you know what they say
true beauty is on the inside
so either you can leave right now
or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homeless
a couple days old and fucking homeless
he wanders around until he gets to the marshes
and he runs into some geese
and the geese are like yo what up uggo
come be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuck
in fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing later
there’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTED
maybe you will get lucky
a little interspecies romance never hurt anyone
except maybe the mutant offspring
and the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DIS
when all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
THAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THERE
and then the other goose gets shot
and the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swamp
waiting to die
and a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITE
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and runs away
and the duck is like well that’s cool I guess
still traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking storm
and the duck takes refuge in a farmhouse
the farmhouse is full of three things:
a blind old woman
a hen that is as stupid as two hens
and an insufferable cat
and the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCK
I HOPE IT LAYS EGGS
but of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggs
because he is a dude
so then the hen and the cat start talking shit
the cat’s like BOY YOU USELESS
BETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIME
WORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOU
and the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or something
and the duck is like fuck this I’m out of here
and that works out pretty well for him
because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty cold
and the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sources
but then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVED
some farmer finds him passed out in a ditch
and takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kids
but what’s this?
turns out kids are assholes
they basically just start punching the duck in the head again and again
and he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THIS
I’M DOUBLE OUT OF HERE
and breaks a bunch of dishes and escapes
INTO THE DEAD OF WINTER
he sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join them
so instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUT
WHAT
HOW DOES HE SURVIVE?
this is one lonely-ass duckling
in the middle of the goddamn wilderness
with no food and all the water is frozen
and it is snowing and he has no shelter
guys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winter
it’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTER
but whatever
apparently he doesn’t die
maybe he chews off one of his own legs or something
in fact yeah
we’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legs
and huddles inside it for warmth?
sure
so then he survives the winter somehow
and the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond again
and there are more of those fucking swans
and at this point this duck’s mind is completely gone
he’s been abandoned by his family
he saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of him
he’s been physically abused by children
and he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winter
there’s no coming back from that
so when he sees some swans chilling out in the pond
he is like well
I really wanna go over to them
but they’ll kill me because i’m so ugly
but you know what
fuck it
better to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my life
yo swans whats up
kill me
and the swans are like what?
no way dude you are totally a swan!
and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re right
and then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERE
LOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE IS
PRETTIEST SWAN EVER
and from then on the swan’s life is great
despite severe psychological damage
because now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the story
is to all you ugly people out there
you better hope to god you’re just a late bloomer
because otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to death
while your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

Thanks, Hans Christian Andersen.

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8 thoughts on “Fuck you too, Hans Christian Andersen

  1. I always appreciated how this story basically gave all the awful awful characters a pass. It's ok to abuse the ugly! If they turnout to be pretty later you can be nice to them then. Don't resent your tormentors, kids, they're in the right!

    Seriously this one was worse than the The Steadfast Tin Soldier.

  2. Ah yes, I did always appreciate the tale of everything's-fine-if-you're-pretty. Fuck Hans Christian Andersen.

    I also like the tale of the ugly duckling who grew up to be an ugly duck but learned mad martial arts skills and kicked the shit out of all the pretty ducks until they looked as mangled as him. Now that's a moral kids can understand.

  3. This story teaches me about more than just ugliness. It says that whatever your shortcomings, just sit around and wait for them to go away and they will. It's universally applicable to virtually anything, like being:
    - an untalented artist,
    - physically handicapped,
    - retarded,
    - or black.

    Don't worry, little Timmy. You'll grow out of that Down Syndrome in no time.

  4. To be fair, that part about you watching your friends get executed in a frozen swamp is probably a pretty accurate description of European life in Andersen's day.

  5. So we should just forget about the whole "Don't worry, it's hard now but if you stick things out one day you'll find your place in the world – and then fuck those other guys" thing, then?

  6. Tom:

    "Don't worry, it's hard now but if you stick things out one day you'll find your place in the world – as long as you're pretty. And don't forget, if you're not pretty, you might as well die, because there is no place in the world for uglies."

    FTFY.

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